ChichosMama
02-21-2006, 06:58 PM
This is a post from my livejournal, but I find myelf needing more support and kind words.
I could lay in a ball and cry forever. I feel the blood flow from me and wish it was not so. Cry out to God that this isnt fair. Nothing I ever did warrented this. But I know it was nothing that was planned in spite. Its something I dont want to understand right now. Why the life inside me failed to thrive, why I invested so much into it when I knew I KNEW that this was going to come to pass- is beyond me. I dont even care to understand it. Ive heard m/c so early down played like nothing and why that is I know not. This the most painful thing I've had to live through, Im waiting for it to go away. Im waiting for this pain to be lifted. FOr someone to reach into my soul and tear it from me as was the life I loved and wanted so badly. Its so hard for me to believe I wont cry my life away. Its so hard for me to accept I wont be taking home a baby in september. I wish I could erase this event. This is something Id rather not brave. I want so badly to put her back inside me and to grow. I do not want to wait to see her in heaven. ALthough now I anticipate that very much. I will save her name for only you mami. I know the Lord is with me, but I still feel so cold. So lost. So angry. I'd be one for not going on if I didnt have so much to live for. I love you so much, it hurts. I wish I didnt. I want to manage to go an hour with out crying while alone. I feel so empty, I don't want to feel anymore.
words by others- felt by me:
"angels so much more than everything
oh hold for the last time then slip away quietly open my eyes but i never see anything
if only i had thought of the right words i could have hold on to your heart if only i'd thought of the right words i wouldn't be breaking apart ...
Looking So long at these pictures of you but i
never hold on to your heart looking so long for the words to be true but always just breaking apart ...
there was nothing in the world that i ever wanted more than to feel you deep in my heart
there was nothing in the world that i ever wanted more than to never feel the breaking apart ... "
I'm spinning, oh, I'm spinning How quick the sun can, drop away
And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass
Of what was everything?
All the pictures have all been washed in black...
All the love ... turned my world to black
Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I'll ever be...
I know [youre having] a beautiful life, I know [youre] a star"
I will post my story in the sticky when the DH and DS are asleep.
I could lay in a ball and cry forever. I feel the blood flow from me and wish it was not so. Cry out to God that this isnt fair. Nothing I ever did warrented this. But I know it was nothing that was planned in spite. Its something I dont want to understand right now. Why the life inside me failed to thrive, why I invested so much into it when I knew I KNEW that this was going to come to pass- is beyond me. I dont even care to understand it. Ive heard m/c so early down played like nothing and why that is I know not. This the most painful thing I've had to live through, Im waiting for it to go away. Im waiting for this pain to be lifted. FOr someone to reach into my soul and tear it from me as was the life I loved and wanted so badly. Its so hard for me to believe I wont cry my life away. Its so hard for me to accept I wont be taking home a baby in september. I wish I could erase this event. This is something Id rather not brave. I want so badly to put her back inside me and to grow. I do not want to wait to see her in heaven. ALthough now I anticipate that very much. I will save her name for only you mami. I know the Lord is with me, but I still feel so cold. So lost. So angry. I'd be one for not going on if I didnt have so much to live for. I love you so much, it hurts. I wish I didnt. I want to manage to go an hour with out crying while alone. I feel so empty, I don't want to feel anymore.
words by others- felt by me:
"angels so much more than everything
oh hold for the last time then slip away quietly open my eyes but i never see anything
if only i had thought of the right words i could have hold on to your heart if only i'd thought of the right words i wouldn't be breaking apart ...
Looking So long at these pictures of you but i
never hold on to your heart looking so long for the words to be true but always just breaking apart ...
there was nothing in the world that i ever wanted more than to feel you deep in my heart
there was nothing in the world that i ever wanted more than to never feel the breaking apart ... "
I'm spinning, oh, I'm spinning How quick the sun can, drop away
And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass
Of what was everything?
All the pictures have all been washed in black...
All the love ... turned my world to black
Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I'll ever be...
I know [youre having] a beautiful life, I know [youre] a star"
I will post my story in the sticky when the DH and DS are asleep.