Is wanting your child to have a sibling enough of a reason to have a baby?

[TranscendentalMom]

My son is only 3 and 1/2 months but already we keep wondering - will we have another? Sometimes we want to, sometimes we don't. But the most compelling reason that makes me "want to want to" is so that my child has a brother or sister. Do you think this is a significant enough reason to have a baby?

[sozobe]

I know what you mean -- we're going through the same thing. I'm an only, though, who didn't mind being an only one bit. There were certainly times I wanted a sibling -- when I was very little, when my parents divorced (when I was a teenager) -- but overall, I think it was good for me to get their undivided attention. I also was lucky, though, in that I lived in a neighborhood with a lot of kids, and grew up with several families who I am still in touch with to this day, and who I had a sibling-like relationship with.

[silving]

Hi there.

My son is 11 months tomorrow and we have dicided to try for another baby. We believe that ( IF POSSIBLE ) a child should have siblings.
There will be a time when it will be good for your child to have siblings. They can help each other in diffecult times, such as school, when a love one dies or simply to have fun with.

Single children are just as well ajusted as one with siblings.

I hope you will all the children you dream of. :D


Silving

[Meli65]

I have one 14-month-old ds, and we'd like to have another baby, and maybe adopt one, too. I have one brother who love dearly, and it is such a comfort to me to be able to complain with him about our parents! I would like my son to experience that kind of unique sibling friendship.
I would feel weird about having more than two of my own though when there are kids looking for homes.

[The Lucky One]

That's an interesting question.

My answer is no if that's the ONLY reason you want another child.

There have been lots of times I've thought about making ds an only child, but I think deep in my heart I will one day want another little one. Yes, the thought of ds being siblingless does weigh in on the equation, but it's definately not the only or even major reason.

Good luck!

lisa

[Pynki]

I think you should have children because you want more children, not because you think your current child/ren need a playmate...

Just my .02

Warm Squishies..

Dyan
:thumb

[Carla]

I decided to have more children for exactly that reason, and like you, felt weird and conflicted by it. My 2 ds's are now 28 months and 9 months and already have an incredible relationship. I could never have guessed how cool it is to watch my kids together. My dh and I always talk about how it's more than we imagined. My 2 year old wakes up every morning and says "Ma, where's my baby?" and Gavin instantly shrieks with delight. Then they play all day together.

I guess my rambling point is even though that might be your only incentive right now, you certainly won't regret it and will realize how wonderful it is after and your children will only benefit from having someone to go through life with.

Incidentally, I'm an only child who never once wished I had a sibling. I grew up in a divorced home but had lots of cousins and sibling-like relationships as well. I wanted only one child but (oops!!) now we're on #3:wink

Good luck to you!!

Carla
Mom to Brennan (10/00), Gavin (5/02), wife to Andrew and due in July!!

[gossamer]

I have to agree with Pynki. I don't think a newborn should be brought into this world with a job and responsibility already thrust upon them. If you have another child, have it because you want that child, not because you want a playmate for your current child. JMO.

Gossamer

[Carla]

Hmmm, I don't think being a sibling is a job or a responsibility. I think it is very much a blessing but I'm sure some people have had different experiences. lol

It's interesting, every Mom on this forum parents with full sacrifice, thinking only of their childs needs to the extreme: extended breastfeeding, giving up careers, co-sleeping etc, etc. I think it's very natural to plan your family by what you think would be best for your child.

Am I crazy?

[Tigerchild]

I would say the WHOLE family should want the child, instead of having a kid for the other kid.

Sometimes sibs will just not click. What if one has a disability, and the other doesn't handle that well? What if one child has pervasive problems with depression and/or other mental illness, taking time and energy away from the other child?

Would you resent the second child, if the relationship between sibs was less than perfect, if they fought like cats and dogs, if your first child resented the second?

If your *sole* reason is to create a ready made playmate for your other child (keeping in mind it's going to be at least a year or so before most kids will truly play together)...then to be honest, that makes me as uncomfortable as when I hear people wanting to have a baby so that "someone will always love me".

If you're just using the playmate excuse because you secretly really want another baby too, then go ahead. But in matters of children, I tend to think mom's opinion matters first, dad's second, other children's distant third.

There's lots of things kids want or fantasize about that even good parents think hard about giving to them, or hold off if the family situation is such that the time isn't right. I don't really think the very weighty decision of adding to the family should be any different.

[Carla]

I think "playmate" is a pretty empty word, its more like "lifemate".

Tigerchild, you bring up interesting points. Don't you think there could be just as many "what if's" in a positive light? Or the other way around? Most parents don't outlive their children. From personal experience, I was the sole provider when my Mom suffered and died of cancer. Even if I had a sibling who I fought like cats and dogs with, I sure would have appreciated someone to help and support my Mom. That played a huge factor in me wanting a bigger family. I have a HUGE extended family but their role was to bring me groceries and homemade soup not to change her diaper and give her medicine. I certainly don't expect that exact thing to happen to me, my point is, we all know life is unexpectedly hard and just the chance that my kids will have a large loving immediate family around them if life throws a curveball makes me feel like I've provided well for them in another way.

It sounds like we've all had different experiences and therefore perspectives. It's interesting to see where everyone is on this.

[Tigerchild]

...for my daughter to have strong connections with other people. In fact, I don't hang any dreams on if she and her brother(s) do or don't...that is really their business and not mine (though of course I would LIKE them to be close).

She has several other adults, friends of ours, that she is close to, and is close to their children. She has a whole network of second cousins. Family can be taken from you in an instant...we're trying to give her a strong sense of self, and trust her intuition in how she accepts (or doesn't) other folks so that she'll be able to build 'family' wherever she goes and not be restricted to blood-kin.

Again, I think it's a rare case that people really solely have a child for another child's benefit...because I think we all know enough perfectly nice sibs that don't get along, or only kids who are wonderfully grounded and cared for by many people. I think when people say they're having a kid for their other kid that what they mean is that might have been the factor to tip the balance (I hope).

But still, I don't think it's *enough* of a reason if a partner objects, if it would put a serious strain on the family financially, if the mom herself didn't really want to have more kids. Why not wait until there are more reasons, since most people have time in that regard?

[JavaJerri]

I think people really have to want another child rather than just wanting a sibling for their first. My first son was an only child for 8 1/2 years and was quite content in that role. Then, I came to a place where I was able and ready for another and so we had ds #2. Now, they have this wonderful relationship and really enjoy each other, but I believe my first son would have happily continued being an "only" had his brother not come along. I think the idea of a wonderful sibling relationship is nice, but that doesn't mean it will necessarily turn out to be as you picture it. My sister and I are 20 months apart and have never had that picture perfect relationship that I'm sure my mom envisioned.:)

Jerri

[somemama]

Well, not wanting child #1 to be an only child definitely played into our decision.

But now that we have child #2, of course we love him completely for the little person that he is. The fact that dd is happy about us having him, too, is just icing on the cake.

And now I realize that our family feels more complete, which is a much more complex issue than just wanting dd to have a sibling.

So, even if you think you just want #2 for the sibling aspect, you may want another child for additional subconscious reasons, as well.

[Sofiamomma]

Carla, I don't think you're crazy. I have a second on the way largely because I wanted dd to have a "lifemate." To say I'm just having a baby as a playmate for dd does ring a bit disdainful to me. They will be 6 years apart, so they will not be able to play together much anyway. I feel very strongly that it is important to have siblings. I have three and they are very important in my life. Also, since I am a single mom, I wanted dd to have someone in her immediate family besides me, esp after I am gone. I also wanted another child, but a sib for dd played a large role in the decision.

Life never works out as you plan and I am not naive enough to expect it to, but I can still think positive.

[Piglet68]

I voted "yes" because we all know that when you gaze upon the face of that new little sibling, you will be as blissfully in love as with your first and the "reasons" will not matter. Right now you are thinking about an idea, but when that idea becomes a baby, he/she will be as much a part of your family as anybody else.

[beanma]

no. have another because you want another and enjoy and delight in their sibling realtionship as it develops, but that "lifemate" stuff is...uh...not guaranteed. 'course i just read another thread on toxic family relationships and am in the midst of an email fight with my brother about the way we parent our dd and the way i am not living up to his expectations on caring for my dad during illness so i'm not coming from a very rosy place on this. carla, i'm so sorry you had to go that road with your mom alone, but having a sibling would not guarantee that someone would have been there with you. your sib might've lived across the country or had an antagonistic relationship with you or your parents or any number of possible scenarios. of course, you might've gotten along great and been a big help to one another, too, but there's just no guarantees so my advice is don't have another child solely based on the potential positives. recognize that the negatives are just as deep and wide as the positives and have another child if you truly want another child for his or her own sake.

hth.
:love

[daria]

I used to think I would only want one
child because it would just be a lot easier logistically and financially. Also I did not have (and still don't have) very good relationships with my siblings, but I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and so I don't think it's a good example. A few things happened to change my mind about having only one child. In college I knew a girl whose mother died of cancer during her sophomore year. She told me that the person who gave her more comfort than anyone else was her little brother, because he knew exactly what she was going through and had lost the same thing. That really made an impact on me. Soon after that I met the man who became my husband, and was welcomed into his incredibly close and loving family. He is the oldest of three, and while they all have different enough personalities that they weren't super close or "playmates" growing up, as adults they have very warm relationships and enjoy spending time together. They vacation together and spend several (non-holiday) weekends together each year just because they like each other's company. It is a beautiful thing for me to see, especially in contrast to my own family experience, and I feel like I want to give my future children the same chance to have friends for life who will always be there for them (as my husband's siblings are for him). I wouldn't have a second child with the idea that he or she would make my life easier by being a playmate for the first, but rather with the idea of creating supportive relationships to last a lifetime. The reason my husband and I want to have kids in the first place is because we are so good at loving each other and being kind to each other, and we think we'd do a really good job raising a little one to be loving and kind as well. And the world needs more people like that so why stop at one?

But since I'm only just now pregnant with our first, we'll have to see if I feel the same way after labor and delivery and coping with a newborn, heheh.

[USAmma]

I say yes, if all the other reasons a baby should be wanted are also there. For example if you can afford it, if you have the patience for it, and if your spouse wants it too.

I am NOT going to start a debate on only children, but I was one after my brother died, and I really feel I missed out. I wish I had someone for company on family vacations, to talk to after the lights went out-- even to fight with. Now as an adult I wish I could have a brother/sister to call for parenting advice, to help take care of my dad now that he's getting older, to give my child some cousins. I only have one cousin who was 14 years younger than me, so Christmas was a somewhat lonely affair (although I did get all the attention!). My dh's sister is unable to have children without fertility treatment, and so Abi is the only child in the family on both sides.

Of course I know lots of people who don't get along with their siblings and whose siblings cause a lot of problems with the family. Having another child does not promise a friend for life. It could also mean competition, no privacy, etc. But hopefully our style of family life will foster love, not competion or contempt.

Darshani

[Kirsten]

I have to agree with Carla and Sophiamommy. IMO anyone who considers a sibling to be just a "playmate" has missed out on the sibling relationship themselves (whether an only or an unhappy sibling). Siblings are our only lifelong relationships. Your parents die before you. Your spouse wasn't there for the first 20 years of your life. Only your siblings are there for the duration (or have the option of being). I know it is not a guarantee of a special relationship or someone to help you with aging parents or any of the other things but at least they have the opportunity.
I always knew I would have at least two kids. Discussed it with dh before he became dh. I would not have married him if he hadn't agreed to two kids as a minimum. I feel that strongly about it. But I come from the experience of having lost my parents to early death (they were 39 and 41). Sure, I had good friends and cousins and people I could call family - and still do. But there is nothing like the people who were there when you ate breakfast each morning, who helped you get the dishes done so you could play Monopoly one more time before bed, who sat next to you while you opened Xmas stockings, who remember that time you all laughed and laughed and couldn't stop. Who remember your parents.... in the way you do.
I love kids. I always wanted kids. But my primary (and maybe only) reason that really mattered was to give my first child a sibling. That is the best gift my parents ever gave me. We were all loved. It is not just someone for your first to play with. It is someone for them to go through life with.
My relationship with my sister and brother is priceless to me. It is priceless to my children. I am very lucky - they seem to already have the special relationship that I hoped for. Sure, they fight sometimes - but it is all worth it.
Just my opinion...
Kirsten

[Carla]

Kirsten, your post made me cry. You explained the way I feel much better than I did.
Before I get up to blow my nose I just wanted to say I'm very sorry about your parents.
Hugs to you...:(

[yoga]

I voted "yes" assuming that the parents also want another kid.

I had my second b/c I didn't want an only child. Ideally, I would like 2 of each gender. I believe it's good for kids to have siblings, same sex ones, too, if possible.

[mirlee]

We originally set out to be DINKS. Then we found out that Sam was on his way. When Sam was a little under 2 1/2, dh had himself broken. We had decided that one was plenty. We loved our family of three. It is/was very comfortable. Then in October, dh said that he was starting to have some regrets about his procedure and wished he had saved some in the bank just in case. Sam now asks where his brother is. He will be three in two weeks. I think this has caused some regret on our part.

Honestly, I only speak to one of my sisters now. I wouldn't trade her for the world, but my other sister is a totally different story. Lots of bad blood there. Dh does not have great relations with his sibs, but he still does talk to them on occassion. Growing up though, he and his brother were just dreadful to each other. Did not get along one bit.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you need to be sure if you want or don't want another. It is up to you to decide if you can deal with another child. Do I want another child, some days yes, some days, no. For me, it is a very very large decision.

[Cindi]

No, it is not enough. If parents cannot feel their need for another child, but have one anyway, the child's spirit will be affected. Most parents probably realize that they wanted a child afterall, but it is a dangerous place to start from. If your family feels complete with one child, it is not an obligation to provide your child with a sibling.

[Kirsten]

This has been an interesting thread. One thing I keep thinking as I read the "yes" or "no" answers is that I am really an "other". I would think it would be rare that a family would have another when the parents really didn't want to, just to give the firstborn child a sibling. I agree that that is a dangerous place to start from. That said, though I always knew we would have more than one, and planned to have them four years apart, when dd1 was three, I really didn't feel like getting pregnant at that point. Life was going well. That "baby fever" hadn't really hit again. But I knew I wanted that spacing so we went ahead. I have never regretted it for a minute. This time (expecting #3 in May) we did get baby fever (dh and dd1 worse than me!).

But for me, it is impossible to separate out my desire for the second child from the desire to give my first child a sibling. They are so intertwined for me. For me, (I know everyone doesn't feel this way) having kids was a two kid minimum. Reasons I wanted my first to have a sibling are in my previous post. But it was all very important to me - hard to say that I just had another child for dd1. But that was my main goal I think - the hope and opportunity of my kids having that special relationship that I have with my siblings.
Kirsten

[AahRee]

Immediately after my DD was born, I wanted to give her a sibling. We even tried for almost 6 months, with no luck. Since we have started taking a break, and the new mommy hormones are wearing off, I have been doing a lot of soul-searching about the reason why we were TTC, and when/if we'll start trying again.

I am not sure that wanting your child to have a sibling is enough of a reason to have another baby. I am inclined to think that the motivation has to come from the mother and father themselves, not from a desire to give their other child something.

I have a sister, and I have a great relationship with her. She is currently trying to conceive, and we are hoping it happens soon so that Katie will have a cousin near in age to her. So my feelings aren't based on the lack of a good relationship with a sibling.

However, there are a lot of things to think about, beyond just providing a sibling, and I don't think that that one thing should guide a decision that important. For instance, my DH is a teacher, and we can barely afford our current family lifestyle, let alone the addition of another child. We want to be able to send our DD to college, take family vacations, etc. someday, and I can't imagine how we could afford it with two. Also, my DD is the light of my life and the center of our world. I hate to think about the possibility of missing out on a single thing in her life, but when you have two children, it is inevitable. If both children have events on the same night, you can't be in two places at once. Sure, you can take turns or something like that, but I want to be there for everything, which just isn't possible with two children.

On the other hand, I love the baby stage, and as DD is growing out of it all to quickly, I start thinking about how nice it would be to have another baby around. Also, there are some things I missed out on with DD, and I'd like a chance to do those things differently with another baby.

So, I'm still up in the air about it, but I do think that there is a lot more to consider than just wanting a sibling for your first child.

[Foobar]

I personally want 2 children so Goo does have a lifemate. I barely talked to my sister growing up, and we aren't buddies now, but we do talk often. I have a great relationship with her kids and we do well.

However, I think we all should take a few minutes to think about why we had children in the first place. Why? To proprogate the race? We have too many people already. To have a peice of our selves left on the planet? A little selfish. To have someone else to love? Again selfish, there are many children that we could have adopted.

I often question why I decided to have a child and I can't find the answer. Therefore, I have no problem with the idea that some would want a child to keep their first child company through life.

[heartmama]

Our ds is an only child (he is 6). He was born with multiple heart defects, and we were told in the beginning that he would need at least 3 open heart surgeries before his 5th birthday to correct the structural problems. I knew right then I wouldn't have another child, and as time went on I felt relieved that I made that choice. With ds in and out of the hospital, any second child would NEVER have received the degree of attention ds had from me. Attachment parenting was so fundamental and important to me as a mother, there was no way to imagine myself 1) leaving ds alone in a hospital or 2) leaving my new baby in the care of relatives for days or weeks on end. And if I had a new baby with ds going through surgery, one or both scenarios would become a reality, and that scared me out of my mind.

One day when ds is much older and more independent, we will consider another baby. I always wanted several children, and having had ds when I was 20, I still have time to decide. I just do not ever want to feel I must choose between my children, or have the guilt of feeling one child is getting more attention than the other. I want to enjoy each child as much as the next, without having to compromise that. This was definitely the right choice for us at this point, and I think that is what you have to decide. What is the best choice for your family?

Good luck

Heartmama

[herblaunt]

i voted no. but this week I have been waffling. Wanting to hold another sweet infant close.
We also intended to be DINKs, but dd was very determined.
We have decided on dh being fixed. I love dd as an only child. There are many other kids her age here that we hang out with just about every day.
If we want another, then adoption will be the road for us. I would rather give another child a chance for unconditional love and a healthy lifestyle that did not have that opportunity in its birth family. (not implying that they could not get that in their birth family, b/c there are many reasons for adopting..just saying that it would be what we could provide.)

[busybusymomma]

Hmm, how to say this?

I knew I didn't want only one child... partly for our sakes and partly for the kids.

I'm one of three children and my youngest brother died of brain cancer at 14mo. It made me and my middle brother closer in a way. If I had only had one brother, that would have left me an only child... and when one child has died the parent is all the more protective, KWIM?

Anyway, I think it's good for kids to have siblings but that's my personal opinion. :D

PS- dh wants two and I want three, so we'll just see what happens in a few years, eh? :Winky