Anyone else alone with AP?

[sewaneecook]

I was talking with a really good friend of mine last night who is wonderful enough to throw a shower for me. However, she was practically lecturing me on the decision not to want bottles! Her reply: "Do you realize that you will be the only one who will be able to feed the baby until solids are started?" She also had some comments about how messy and problematic cloth diapers are going to be (she's never changed a diaper in her life!). Luckily co-sleeping was not brought up! And my birthing in a birth center as opposed to a hospital is another topic I managed to avoid (I can hear her response now: "Are you aware of the risks involved with giving birth?"). I know she isn't the only friend who thinks this way, others just haven't voiced their opinions. Of my friends (high school, college, and those I've met in the 5 years since college), I am the only one who has ever been PG, so a lot of the things DH and I want to do aren't even things that others have had to consider.

I try to educate rather than confront my friends ... but my friends are just as stubborn as I am and I doubt anything I say will make a difference. Luckily I have a very supportive family with AP (unfortunately they are all the way up in MI and I'm down in TN!), but I feel very alone and unsupported in my circle of friends.

How do you other mamas cope with an unsupportive environment?

[lotus.blossom]

I don't deal very well on the inside, but I remain composed on the outside.

I am just disgusted with how people try to inflict their opinions on pregnant women. Especially people who don't have children themselves. There no way that they have done as much research and soul searching as I have on the topic. I have gotten flack for not buying/wanting a crib. That seems to be the number one horror that people express. Second is vaccines. Apparently my child will bring back polio and smallpox if I don't vaccinate. And, yeah supposedly I am going to HATE cloth diapering because its "gross." Also if I breastfeed too long I will "never" be able to wean them.

I usually shut my mouth and let them rant because there is no way that I am ever going to convince a closed minded person of why I am doing something. Its also hard to explain that I have all sorts of backup here at MDC, and written proof that these things do work!

So anyway, just commiserating with you. :wink

[tatgurl]

just visiting from the Aug. DDC and wanted to give you a :Hug .
I know how frustrating it can be to do what you feel is right for your baby when everyone around you is agianst it (usually due to ingnorance).

unfortunatly, I have grown apart from many of my friends for this reason. Most people don't understand why we would want to exclusivly breastfeed our babies, CD them, birth them naturally ("doesn't that hurt?"), or sleep with our babies close to us. Most of the support that I have found has been from online groups like this, or Le leche league. You could also see if there is an Attatchmet parenting International chapter http://www.attachmentparenting.org/, or Holistic mom's network www.holisticmoms.org in your area.
please feel confident in the decisions you are making for your baby. your baby will love you for it!!

p.s. neither of my boys has ever had a bottle in their lives!

[sewaneecook]

I was raised in the AP style and I think I turned out really well. I co-slept until I was 5, I BFed until 4, I never slept in a crib (another issue I won't even attempt to mention to my friends b/c we don't plan on having one either), and I didn't have a single solid piece of food until I was over a year old (I was a very sick baby and only wanted mommy). I think I'm a better person for the way my parents raised me and that's why I want to raise my children the same way. Luckily I have found a DH who is completely supportive of all this (he took some coming around, but he's finally here!). The vax issue is one I'm doing more research on ... I'm currently wanting to delay and do selective vaxing (but that won't even be mentioned to my in-laws and there's no way I'm getting in to that discussion with my friend who is a nurse and her doctor husband!).

[writermommy]

This is my 4th baby and I've learned to tune out stupid comments over the years. They affected me much more deeply with my first dd. Instinctively, I knew I couldn't let her cry, wanted to carry her around with me all the time and that breastfeeding and bringing her into our bed were good for her. But, everyone around me was telling me I "had" to let her cry it out, put her on a schedule, etc. I would feel defensive and like I needed to "prove" that AP was best for my baby. I think this was because I was a first time mom and most of the people giving me advice were parents already. They had this superior attitude that I felt I needed to argue against. Now that I have three kids, I know what works best for my family and what little babies need to thrive. I can ignore comments much more easily than I could in the past.

[JoyofBirth]

I have 1 friend IRL that's AP. Otherwise,l comme here to talk to mamas, get advice and get these things off my chest. I used to try to educate people, especially when they're childless, because you could change their mind. And you never know, it might, just not right now. So if it's worth it and you have the patience, educate. I've startred to learn, particularly with my family members, to just say in a sing-songy voice, my baby, my decision. And walk away. They tend to drop it at that point because it's still light and the only place to go from there is confrontation. When it comes to pregnancy and birth, if someone starts to tell me a story or their opinions, I ask them "is this a positive story or are you trying to scare me?" And then I tell them, my decisions are made and I onoly want to hear positive stories, even if they wanna tell me a great hospital birth story when I want to home birth(or whatever the case may be) that's ok. I've also heard the she'll nevers, none of them are true. When people starting saying that she'd never wean because I haven't weaned yet, I just tell people, "I know, that's my plan. I don't want her to go off to college without me." That helps people realize how silly saying never is. My mom often asks me is it going to be so cute if she's still asking for boobie at 4 or 5 or whatever her number of the day is. I just sure it will be. But I doubt Emma will nurse that long. Anyway, just know that you are doing the right thing for this and YOU are the parent.

[turtlemama77]

It's hard. I agree with pp's...find some groups who tend towards AP. LLL is a great place to find like-minded mamas. Other than that, I've just tried to be patient with people, explaining along the way as the opportunity arises. I like to think that my parenting style speaks for itself when people see that dd is generally a happy, cool toddler. :)

[momsmyjob]

It's hard not to let those comments bother you. I had to tune them out and follow my heart. If you're doing what you feel is best for your baby, then that's all that matters :love

[Mama2ABCD]

set the example. i don't have too many people telling me my parenting style is wrong any more as i'm going on my 4th child. they haven't seen any bad results from it! i've had the naysayers with my 1st, just like i had those that told me i couldn't give birth without an epidural (with birth #2 those people were my strongest advocates for med free birth).
it is hard when the people you associate have different parenting and choose to push it on you. but, your children are going to learn from you, not them. and maybe when they see that it works for you, it might change some of their minds and maybe influence them a little.
my strongest supporter through it all has been my dh, and that was all i needed.

[sewaneecook]

When people starting saying that she'd never wean because I haven't weaned yet, I just tell people, "I know, that's my plan. I don't want her to go off to college without me."

I love it! Sarcastic retorts help lighten the mood and avoid most confrontations.

What surprises me is that my friends are surprised by how I plan to parent. I never used birth control pills (we used NFP/FAM), I've never used chemical cleaners, if there's a more natural alternative I do it, and I don't see how raising a child should differ from the rest of my lifestyle! Not to mention I'm cheap (I prefer the word frugal!) and extended BFing, co-sleeping, and CDing are all a whole lot cheaper than the alternatives!

One thing that annoys me is the hypocritical type. The friend mentioned in my OP is very much the environmental supporter. However, she doesn't see that the environment is a strong enough argument for CDing!

I joined a local LLL group (if I hadn't I would have heard it from both my mother and my sister ... both LLL leaders!) so that I would meet others in my area who are more AP minded. Living in the south, this sort of person is hard to come by!

my strongest supporter through it all has been my dh, and that was all i needed.

Good to know! My DH is quite the supporter!

[carouselrider]

It's hard not to let those comments bother you. I had to tune them out and follow my heart. If you're doing what you feel is best for your baby, then that's all that matters :love

my thoughts exactly! It gets easier with time, really! You never have complete confidence in yourself as a mother - that's just the way it goes, but I think you do reach a certain amount of faith in yourself that is less shakeable by comments from other people. I personally cannot imagine suggesting the correct way for someone else to raise their children - so I find it very odd and tacky when people do it to me. But it doesn't really phase me anymore. Even though I think I am probably the only person who is AP-style parent in my group of friends, I don't think I've lost any friends over parenting views - my true friends are very dear to me regardless of differences in how we raise our babies, but I certainly have lost friends who were too judgemental or invasive with opinions on any subject, not just parenting. That is just not my style and I prefer to be around people who are accepting and nonjudgemental even if they are doing things differently. This philosophy has worked for me.

Keep the faith - in yourself. Trust those instincts, they will serve you better than all the well meaning or not so well meaning opinions in the world.

[Miss Juice]

What I really love is when these same people who question my parenting choices then comment on how bright/independent/thoughtful/well-mannered/healthy my kids are.

Yeah, that has nothing to do with the parenting choices I've made. It's all luck, really :thumb

I never thought twice about AP. To me AP is just natural, it's just the way it's meant to be. You're supposed to be attached to your baby - it makes biological sense. Babies left to sleep alone in the wild would be eaten. I could never let my child CIO because the sound of my crying baby causes my world to stop spinning. At that moment nothing else exists, and it's that way for a Very Good Reason. That is supposed to be your response.

It also makes me crazy when people try to attribute the differences in children's behavior/sleep patterns/etc. to some single factor in their upbringing - sometimes it's just a different baby with a different temperament and different needs! I've had one not-so-good sleeper, needing to nurse every 45 minutes, crying a lot in the night and so on, and one sleeps-like-a-rock baby. And it's not because of anything I did, right or wrong. It's because that is who they are, and my job as a parent is to attent to their individual needs. The idea that there is a recipe for a happy baby is absurd.

OK, another novel from me :innocent It does make my want to yell, though.

[Sandrine]

Like the ppl said, do what is right for you and your baby.

My sil did cio with her kids and totally recommend it to me. I said "no, she, dd1 is too sensitive for it and i'm responding to her need. Yes she wakes up lots but she at least know that i'm there." Even now, she can't beleive how close dd1 and i are together and how well behave she is. I"m sure that responding to her needs, even if i wanted more than anything sleep, her needs were more important, help in the closeness.

I also say to ppl, that's i'm doing my best for both girls and for me. If co-sleeping is what is right for her to sleep well and for me to get some sleep then i'll do. I don't like co-sleeping but i'll do it if necessary.

I do have one friend that has become more AP while looking at what i do. She is totally supportive to my ideas and I support her back with ap stuff.

[bfoster2000]

I feel your pain, believe me! I too have a supply of sarcastic comebacks but I find myself more and more saying "Because I'm the mommy and I said so" (especially to my mom!) or just leaving it at "We'll see."

Mom laughed when I talked about extended breastfeeding with DJ. She never breastfed at all but she kept saying that the first time he bit me I'd put him down and never nurse again...just wait and see. I just smiled and said "We'll see." I heard her talking to one of my cousins whose baby had just bit her and she was pretty shocked to find out that DJ had already gone through a biting phase and had actually drawn blood on a couple of occasions, but I hung in there and taught him not to bite instead of just putting him on formula.

Sometimes I try to educate people about my choices, but I'm learning that some people are never going to change their minds so sometimes it's easier to just avoid certain topics. Our sleeping arrangements, bedtime routines, feeding choices, etc. are really no one else's business. I'm more inclined to talk openly and honestly with someone of childbearing age than someone from my mom's generation because there is hope of educating and enlightening, but I guess I'm getting a little lazy even at that.

On the topic of bottles, I totally respect your commitment to breastfeed but I will tell you that my first son was born premature and his mouth was too small for my large nipples (sorry TMI!) so I wound up pumping exclusively for the first 6.5 weeks. I didn't have any bottles because I wasn't planning to use them so when we left the hospital, I wound up having to go and buy bottles even though I was breastfeeding. When my cousin had her baby a few weeks after mine, I put together a basket of things that I wished I'd had in the first week as her gift. I included in the basket a couple of bottles, along with the receipt. A few weeks later, when it was clear that bf was going ok for her, she returned the bottles and it was no big deal. So basically, I guess my advice on that one is don't ask for bottles, but don't freak out if you get some. You never know what might come in handy.

As far as the crib, we didn't want one of those either. When DJ was about 6 months old, MIL insisted on buying one for us even though I had two perfectly good hand-me-down cribs in the garage, I just never bothered to set them up. I told her I'd rather her not spend the money and that we were all perfectly happy with our sleeping arrangements but she insisted and now I have a $600 laundry hamper. Let me just say that cribs are WONDERFUL for storing laundry...they should market them for that! My mom still thinks it's a little wierd that when I want to keep DJ out of something, I put *it* in the crib and him in the floor. Makes a whole lot more sense to me!

I'm about the most "granola" person I know too and it would appear that I'm getting "crunchier" by the minute! I recently discovered the "Finding Your Tribe" forum on this website and it looks like (contrary to what my family and friends think) I'm not the only one out there. Turns out there are lots of kindred spirits in my area, I just needed to know where to look. You should check it out...maybe you'll find some other like-minded moms in your area too...it really does make a huge difference!

Good luck and hang in there...you know you're doing the right thing and that's all that matters!
Barb

[AidansMommy1012]

My MIL drove me batty the first few months after I had Aidan. She was constantly "reassuring" me that it wasn't going to hurt him if I left him to cry. I would tell her politely over and over again that we were trying something different with him (my awesome doc even said to tell her that she- the doc - had said not to), but MIL just kept at me, especially if I "seemed tired". I had a newborn, I was bound to look a little less than my best sometimes! She was also awful about the breastfeeding. Aidan has had a skinny, long-bodied build from the day he was born, and she was convinced he wasn't getting enough nourishment (which I found interesting as it was DH, her son, Aidan got that build from). She was constantly asking after my milk supply, suggesting I put cereal in his bottle, etc. I even caught her slipping Aidan some banana when he was two months old! And forget the idea of long term nursing! DH's whole family is wierd about that. From the time he turned seven months, I had MIL, FIL, and DH's grandma asking me when I was going to wean him. In the end, he ended up weaning himself at 13 months (a very active little boy, he just lost interest), but just a couple of weeks ago, FIL gave me a sideways look and asked, "He's not still....feeding...is he?"

I really don't try to educate them. Mostly DH just has to tell them over and over again to back off. That's just all they know. When DH was two weeks old, MIL took him to the pediatrician, who was concerned that he wasn't sleeping through the night yet and told them to let him cry it out until he slept through (poor DH!). Also, when DH began spitting up a lot, MIL was convinced that he was allergic to her milk and put him on formula. And I know that they used an authoritarian approach to discipline and were big believers in not letting babies and small children "manipulate" them.

The only thing they stand with me on is not circumcising. I'm hoping that they're going to pester me less with Nate since I have raised Aidan to young toddlerhood with no ill effects.

[sewaneecook]

AidansMommy1012 - I've tried to "train" my in-laws from day 1. I tell them about my very AP sister and some of the things she does so that they aren't too shocked when I do the same. Hopefully all my coaching will pay off in the end!

bfoster2000 - That's quite the fancy clothes hamper you have! I think I paid about $5 for mine! I hope my family would spend $600 on something that would actually get used (not that a hamper is a bad use, just a bit expensive for that purpose!:lol ).

[AidansMommy1012]

AidansMommy1012 - I've tried to "train" my in-laws from day 1. I tell them about my very AP sister and some of the things she does so that they aren't too shocked when I do the same. Hopefully all my coaching will pay off in the end!


I haven't really thought about what I'll do if they DON'T leave me alone. I'm the first sibling in my family to have children, and I was a CIO and formula baby, too, though my mom is now super-supportive of me and my AP style. And I'm the only mom I know - besides perhaps a Korean couple at church - who parents the way I do. My best friend is expecting and planning on practicing AP, but this is her first child, so she has no previous crazy AP antics for me to brag on. I'd just kind of decided to blow them off if they said anything. My mom told me a couple of weeks ago that I might just have to resign myself to being the "crazy crunchy mom" in the family. And I have more confidence in myself and my parenting skills since I've had Aidan, so I'm thinking it would probably just irritate me more than truly upset me, as it did last time.

[bfoster2000]

bfoster2000 - That's quite the fancy clothes hamper you have! I think I paid about $5 for mine! I hope my family would spend $600 on something that would actually get used (not that a hamper is a bad use, just a bit expensive for that purpose!:lol ).

Oh no, the clothes hampers I bought were only $1...MIL has more money than sense (just got a big settlement from when she got fired from her govt job...now she's on disability retirement...so in a sense, you bought me that fancy clothes hamper through your tax dollars!) I begged her not to buy it but she insisted and even went so far as to tell people that I wouldn't let her buy anything for her only grandson. I tried to tell her things that we really needed if she wanted to buy them but that fell on deaf ears. Finally I just gave up arguing with her. The worst part is, even though she knows that DJ has spent *maybe* 12 hours in that crib his whole life, she's already started with wanting to buy one for the new baby. She thinks we should convert that one to a toddler bed for DJ...nevermind that he has a perfectly good bed, with a perfectly good mommy and daddy in it! I've even told her that my plan is to take one rail off that crib and put it next to my bed as a sidecar for the new baby...so it will FINALLY get some use (for what it was intended...lol!) Oh well, it's her money so if it shuts her up, what do I care. The biggest problem now is that she tells people that I won't put DJ in the crib *because* she bought it. I can't win with her. When people tell me what she's been saying about me, I just roll my eyes and ask them what they think. They usually laugh and slap me on the back or something. If they don't know both of us well enough to see what's going on, I'm not going to lose any sleep over what they think!