theboysmama
02-23-2006, 03:05 PM
I have posted my m/c stories in the memory thread but I am just feeling very compelled to post both of the stories in their entirity. I was not comfortable sharing everything that I had written. Now I feel like I want everyone to know how it can be so that maybe they can learn from my experience. The first story is about our loss that happened sept 9th 2005. We named that baby Sam. It is much longer than the second story because the pregnancy was longer and the birth experience was very different. The second story is about our loss that happened Feb. 13th 2006. We named that baby Morgan.
Thanks for letting me share. :heartbeat
In Memory of Sam
I am writing this because I want to make sure that I have an accurate record of a very significant event that just occurred. My husband and I were thrilled to be expecting our third child. We planned, dreamed, and thought of names.
At ten weeks we went to our midwives to check for fetal heart tones. She listened and listened but nothing yet. We figured it was still too soon. At 11 weeks we went in again. Still no luck. We figured that the baby was just stubborn maybe hiding. At 12 weeks I was getting very nervous when we didn’t hear the babies heart beat. I knew something was wrong. I didn’t want to be a worrywart and I didn’t want to worry my husband so I didn’t talk about it. After all I had had two healthy pregnancies so this would be fine.
The next morning after I peed there was blood when I wiped. I began to cry :crying and the more blood that came the more tears that came.:bawl I knew something was wrong! I tried to make myself feel better by saying some women bleed and their babies are ok. I know that this wasn’t the case I could feel that something was wrong. I called my midwife and she scheduled a sonogram for me later on that day. The waiting was excruciating. I took my 3 year old to mom’s day out and my friend came over to watch my 16 month old.
The appointment was at 1:00. Having to wait was so difficult. I just wanted to know so that I could deal. They had to do a vaginal sono because they couldn’t get anything with the belly sono. I know that at 12 ½ weeks the baby should have been big enough. I could see a blob on the screen and I didn’t see any fetal heart tones. I asked the tech and she said that she wasn’t allowed to tell me. I told her that I wasn’t an idiot and I could tell that there wasn’t a heart beat. I began to cry. :crying She brought me Kleenex and hugged me and said she was sorry. She told me to go meet my midwife at 2:30. I met my husband for tea and we cried and held each other. Then we headed to our midwifes. She explained that the baby had died at 7 weeks but it had taken over 5 weeks to signal to my body that the pregnancy wasn’t going to work. When the placenta went to attach on the wall of the uterus it didn’t take because all of the cells weren’t there to make a complete baby. Regardless of whether it was a baby or not I believe it to be very much a baby. My midwife explained that the birth could be anything from a heavy period to complete labor.
I didn’t really know what to expect. People don’t talk much about miscarriage and when they do it is usually a quick mention of a D& C or them going into the bathroom and having it in the toilet ALONE.
The next morning I was still bleeding heavy but I decided to go ahead and volunteer at my sons pre-school. My legs were feeling a little achy and I was feeling pretty sad.:( I headed home and put my oldest to bed. I nursed my youngest down and as he nursed I could feel period like cramps starting. I got him to sleep and headed to the bathroom. I had to pee and I just didn’t feel like getting off the toilet. After about ½ hour I had the urge to push and began pushing. I called my husband in because I wanted him to be there. I pushed and pushed and pushed. I was starting to get uncomfortable so I moved a towel onto the floor. Finally I ran a bath for myself and climbed in. I just figured I was supposed to be in the bathroom, on the toilet, by myself.
Once I climbed into the bath I realized this was going to be full labor and I needed to treat it just like my other two births. I had my husband turn on the hypnobirthing tape. This helped relax me but labor slowed every time they talked about “this wondrous event”, “my beautiful baby”, etc.
My 16 month old woke up and we stripped him down and put him in the bath with me. He nursed and really got the surges going. Then he pooped and I had to hop out of the tub, clean it out, drain it, and refill. It was just as well because the water was getting very bloody. My husband was coming in and out of the bathroom to check on me. He was having a very difficult time coping with the reality of it all. Neither of us had expected the miscarriage to be like full labor.
The blood was gushing more and more and the bathroom smelled like blood. My husband just couldn’t take it any more and he needed to take the kids out for a while. I just couldn’t imagine birthing alone so I had him call two of my very close friends. They were both able to come. The first arrived as I was refilling the tub again. I was trying not to have to sit in too much blood.
I was standing up in the tub as I refilled the water and I was nursing my 16 month old. Blood was dripping down my legs and I was in my most vulnerable state. My emotions were raw and someone else was witnessing all of this.
My husband left with the kids and the house was quiet except for the hypnobirthing music playing from the living room. The surges were stronger and stronger and Kristin was sitting by my side, encouraging me, giving me strength. There was a gush of blood and the surges subsided. Adrienne arrived and joined us in the bathroom. We talked and laughed and cried as we waited to see what would happen. I could feel the baby partially out of my vagina but it appeared to be stuck. I called my midwife because I was scared to pull on it for fear that I would tear it and leave some inside of me. She told me that it was safe to reach up and pull as hard as I needed to. I reached up, fished around and pulled. I repeated this several times but it still appeared to be stuck. All the while my friends were there making me raspberry leaf tea and offering encouragement. I kept apologizing. I felt guilty that they had to witness this sad even. I felt week that I couldn’t do this on my own.
Finally I reached up one last time, puncturing the bag of waters, blood gushed and my baby and the placenta were expelled. I retrieved the baby and the placenta and my friends helped me put it into a Ziploc. We looked at the placenta and it was the size of a quarter and perfect! We could see my side and the baby’s side. Then Adrienne took the bag, swaddled it, kissed it and put it in the refrigerator. This is truly the way my baby deserved to be treated. At that moment I was so grateful to my friends for the support that they had given me during this tough time. I was no longer embarrassed, just grateful. Four hours after the labor had started I was done. Kristen had to leave but Adrienne helped me into bed, fed me and loved me.
I am so grateful that I was able to have this experience. It was so sad but yet so beautiful. The female body is so amazing. It knows exactly what to do. I was able to be present and aware as I miscarried my baby. I can’t imagine having to have been alone or of having to have been in the hospital making this a medical procedure.
I made phone calls, sent e-mails, and grieved. We had told many people and will do so again because we were surrounded by love and support from all the people that knew.
The next morning I slept in, exhausted from the loss of blood. Amazed by the bright red blood every time I went to the bathroom. I hadn’t seen blood in so long that it was very frightening. We baptized the baby and buried the baby under the cherry tree in our backyard where we had the placentas of our two older children. I had several friends stop by to bring me flowers, check on me, and help me prepare for my trip. My midwife stopped by and brought flowers (we saved one for Sam’s memo box), she held me while I cried, and talked with me for about and hour. Her support was wonderful. We were very sad but we did not feel alone!
I was exhausted but we had a family trip planned to Hawaii the next day (2 days after the miscarriage). I couldn’t pack a thing because I was so exhausted and was so worried about the flight. I was bleeding pretty heavy and was very worn out. The trip there was difficult but well worth it.
While on my trip I took some time to write down the experience of my miscarriage. When I finished I went to the bathroom and passed another large clot or something. It was the size and shape of my pointer finger. I called my husband in and we said a prayer and then flushed it down the toilet. I had buried everything that I thought was the baby. The bleeding slowed way down and within 2 days I had stopped bleeding (one week from the birth).
Two nights later my husband and I decided to name the baby. We don’t know the sex so we decided on Sam. Either Samuel or Samantha but we would just call it Sam. It gave me great comfort in having a name for my wonderful baby.
We have created a box of things that help us think of Sam. In it we included video of our midwife appointments, a rose from my midwife, my pregnancy test, this story, and the washcloth that Sam was swaddled in. These help me to grieve and know that I will always remember and miss my precious baby.
In Memory of Morgan (A letter to Morgan)
I am writing this because I want to savor every memory that I have of you. You were with us only a short time but very wanted and sorely missed. We lost a baby before you whom we named Sam. We were so sure that you were going to be the one to come join us. It took a long time for my body to become ready to have a baby but finally that day arrived. The test was positive and we were so excited.
We told everyone. We talked to you and your papa kissed my tummy often. The day before Valentines Day I began to bleed. The bleeding got heavier and heavier. I got into the bath and began to cramp a little. Your brother’s were in there with me and I felt a little something between my legs. I reached down and it was you. You had silently come to join us way too soon. I was only 6 wks pregnant. I took you and put you in a Ziploc and swaddled you in a washcloth. I had and ultrasound done to confirm that you were gone.
I cry and cry when I think that we will never get to meet you. I have a box of your things to always remind me of how special you are to us. Morgan, we will miss you always!
I have also created a memory box for morgan that includes the wash cloth, a rose that dh gave me when we found out I was pg, the pg tests, baby booties from the clinic where I got my positive test, and this letter to Morgan.
Thanks for letting me share. :heartbeat
In Memory of Sam
I am writing this because I want to make sure that I have an accurate record of a very significant event that just occurred. My husband and I were thrilled to be expecting our third child. We planned, dreamed, and thought of names.
At ten weeks we went to our midwives to check for fetal heart tones. She listened and listened but nothing yet. We figured it was still too soon. At 11 weeks we went in again. Still no luck. We figured that the baby was just stubborn maybe hiding. At 12 weeks I was getting very nervous when we didn’t hear the babies heart beat. I knew something was wrong. I didn’t want to be a worrywart and I didn’t want to worry my husband so I didn’t talk about it. After all I had had two healthy pregnancies so this would be fine.
The next morning after I peed there was blood when I wiped. I began to cry :crying and the more blood that came the more tears that came.:bawl I knew something was wrong! I tried to make myself feel better by saying some women bleed and their babies are ok. I know that this wasn’t the case I could feel that something was wrong. I called my midwife and she scheduled a sonogram for me later on that day. The waiting was excruciating. I took my 3 year old to mom’s day out and my friend came over to watch my 16 month old.
The appointment was at 1:00. Having to wait was so difficult. I just wanted to know so that I could deal. They had to do a vaginal sono because they couldn’t get anything with the belly sono. I know that at 12 ½ weeks the baby should have been big enough. I could see a blob on the screen and I didn’t see any fetal heart tones. I asked the tech and she said that she wasn’t allowed to tell me. I told her that I wasn’t an idiot and I could tell that there wasn’t a heart beat. I began to cry. :crying She brought me Kleenex and hugged me and said she was sorry. She told me to go meet my midwife at 2:30. I met my husband for tea and we cried and held each other. Then we headed to our midwifes. She explained that the baby had died at 7 weeks but it had taken over 5 weeks to signal to my body that the pregnancy wasn’t going to work. When the placenta went to attach on the wall of the uterus it didn’t take because all of the cells weren’t there to make a complete baby. Regardless of whether it was a baby or not I believe it to be very much a baby. My midwife explained that the birth could be anything from a heavy period to complete labor.
I didn’t really know what to expect. People don’t talk much about miscarriage and when they do it is usually a quick mention of a D& C or them going into the bathroom and having it in the toilet ALONE.
The next morning I was still bleeding heavy but I decided to go ahead and volunteer at my sons pre-school. My legs were feeling a little achy and I was feeling pretty sad.:( I headed home and put my oldest to bed. I nursed my youngest down and as he nursed I could feel period like cramps starting. I got him to sleep and headed to the bathroom. I had to pee and I just didn’t feel like getting off the toilet. After about ½ hour I had the urge to push and began pushing. I called my husband in because I wanted him to be there. I pushed and pushed and pushed. I was starting to get uncomfortable so I moved a towel onto the floor. Finally I ran a bath for myself and climbed in. I just figured I was supposed to be in the bathroom, on the toilet, by myself.
Once I climbed into the bath I realized this was going to be full labor and I needed to treat it just like my other two births. I had my husband turn on the hypnobirthing tape. This helped relax me but labor slowed every time they talked about “this wondrous event”, “my beautiful baby”, etc.
My 16 month old woke up and we stripped him down and put him in the bath with me. He nursed and really got the surges going. Then he pooped and I had to hop out of the tub, clean it out, drain it, and refill. It was just as well because the water was getting very bloody. My husband was coming in and out of the bathroom to check on me. He was having a very difficult time coping with the reality of it all. Neither of us had expected the miscarriage to be like full labor.
The blood was gushing more and more and the bathroom smelled like blood. My husband just couldn’t take it any more and he needed to take the kids out for a while. I just couldn’t imagine birthing alone so I had him call two of my very close friends. They were both able to come. The first arrived as I was refilling the tub again. I was trying not to have to sit in too much blood.
I was standing up in the tub as I refilled the water and I was nursing my 16 month old. Blood was dripping down my legs and I was in my most vulnerable state. My emotions were raw and someone else was witnessing all of this.
My husband left with the kids and the house was quiet except for the hypnobirthing music playing from the living room. The surges were stronger and stronger and Kristin was sitting by my side, encouraging me, giving me strength. There was a gush of blood and the surges subsided. Adrienne arrived and joined us in the bathroom. We talked and laughed and cried as we waited to see what would happen. I could feel the baby partially out of my vagina but it appeared to be stuck. I called my midwife because I was scared to pull on it for fear that I would tear it and leave some inside of me. She told me that it was safe to reach up and pull as hard as I needed to. I reached up, fished around and pulled. I repeated this several times but it still appeared to be stuck. All the while my friends were there making me raspberry leaf tea and offering encouragement. I kept apologizing. I felt guilty that they had to witness this sad even. I felt week that I couldn’t do this on my own.
Finally I reached up one last time, puncturing the bag of waters, blood gushed and my baby and the placenta were expelled. I retrieved the baby and the placenta and my friends helped me put it into a Ziploc. We looked at the placenta and it was the size of a quarter and perfect! We could see my side and the baby’s side. Then Adrienne took the bag, swaddled it, kissed it and put it in the refrigerator. This is truly the way my baby deserved to be treated. At that moment I was so grateful to my friends for the support that they had given me during this tough time. I was no longer embarrassed, just grateful. Four hours after the labor had started I was done. Kristen had to leave but Adrienne helped me into bed, fed me and loved me.
I am so grateful that I was able to have this experience. It was so sad but yet so beautiful. The female body is so amazing. It knows exactly what to do. I was able to be present and aware as I miscarried my baby. I can’t imagine having to have been alone or of having to have been in the hospital making this a medical procedure.
I made phone calls, sent e-mails, and grieved. We had told many people and will do so again because we were surrounded by love and support from all the people that knew.
The next morning I slept in, exhausted from the loss of blood. Amazed by the bright red blood every time I went to the bathroom. I hadn’t seen blood in so long that it was very frightening. We baptized the baby and buried the baby under the cherry tree in our backyard where we had the placentas of our two older children. I had several friends stop by to bring me flowers, check on me, and help me prepare for my trip. My midwife stopped by and brought flowers (we saved one for Sam’s memo box), she held me while I cried, and talked with me for about and hour. Her support was wonderful. We were very sad but we did not feel alone!
I was exhausted but we had a family trip planned to Hawaii the next day (2 days after the miscarriage). I couldn’t pack a thing because I was so exhausted and was so worried about the flight. I was bleeding pretty heavy and was very worn out. The trip there was difficult but well worth it.
While on my trip I took some time to write down the experience of my miscarriage. When I finished I went to the bathroom and passed another large clot or something. It was the size and shape of my pointer finger. I called my husband in and we said a prayer and then flushed it down the toilet. I had buried everything that I thought was the baby. The bleeding slowed way down and within 2 days I had stopped bleeding (one week from the birth).
Two nights later my husband and I decided to name the baby. We don’t know the sex so we decided on Sam. Either Samuel or Samantha but we would just call it Sam. It gave me great comfort in having a name for my wonderful baby.
We have created a box of things that help us think of Sam. In it we included video of our midwife appointments, a rose from my midwife, my pregnancy test, this story, and the washcloth that Sam was swaddled in. These help me to grieve and know that I will always remember and miss my precious baby.
In Memory of Morgan (A letter to Morgan)
I am writing this because I want to savor every memory that I have of you. You were with us only a short time but very wanted and sorely missed. We lost a baby before you whom we named Sam. We were so sure that you were going to be the one to come join us. It took a long time for my body to become ready to have a baby but finally that day arrived. The test was positive and we were so excited.
We told everyone. We talked to you and your papa kissed my tummy often. The day before Valentines Day I began to bleed. The bleeding got heavier and heavier. I got into the bath and began to cramp a little. Your brother’s were in there with me and I felt a little something between my legs. I reached down and it was you. You had silently come to join us way too soon. I was only 6 wks pregnant. I took you and put you in a Ziploc and swaddled you in a washcloth. I had and ultrasound done to confirm that you were gone.
I cry and cry when I think that we will never get to meet you. I have a box of your things to always remind me of how special you are to us. Morgan, we will miss you always!
I have also created a memory box for morgan that includes the wash cloth, a rose that dh gave me when we found out I was pg, the pg tests, baby booties from the clinic where I got my positive test, and this letter to Morgan.