friend had mc - what to say about MY baby?

[jillc512]

A friend of mine had an early m/c about 3 months ago and is TTC again (BTW, thank you to anyone who posted on the sticky about what to say after a loss - very helpful). When I get together with her, what do I say about MY baby (6mo) when she asks how she is? If you were her, how would it make you feel to hear "good" stuff (DD laughing, reaching to be picked up) vs. "bad" stuff (wants to nurse every 2 hours all night)? I don't want to make her feel worse by emphasizing how great it is having kids, but I also don't want to come off as complaining when she would give anything to have a baby who kept her up all night... Or should I not worry about editing my conversations with her?

Thanks so much for any input!

[carla72]

my gf told me she was expecting so I shared my news with her. Our due dates were 5 days apart. She hada very early mc. I feel like I am trying to hide beeing pregnant around her as to not upset her. (preg with 2nd) On the other side of it. I tried for my first for 4 years. I had one mc. I had another friend who was afraid to tell me she was pregnant as she didn't want to hurt me. I was nothing but thrilled for her and enjoyed hearing her pregnant stories. Once the baby was born I loved hearing all about the baby. I wouldn't have wanted her to sensor that. I hoe that helped

[Mearaina]

I m/c at 10 weeks this past June - my friend was 5 weeks ahead of me. For a few weeks I didn't want to hear much about her pregnancy, but after that I wanted to hear it all. I wanted to know that her baby was doing well. It meant a lot to me that she shared things with me, but she took my lead and let me set the pace as to how much info I wanted. I cared for her baby as her own person, too, and didn't want anything to happen to her daughter - I had been ready for her to have a baby for years - so it wasn't as hard as it might have been.

Mommy to 2 dd's, 1 angel, and Baby Lovebug edd 6/16/06

[coralsmom]

you're so sweet to take such consideration to your friend's feelings.

i'd play it by ear. if it seems like your friend is hesitant, you might want to limit the baby talk. if she is inquisitive, answer her questions. it may be appropriate to just breech the subject straight out. ask her to be open with you about how she feels. you are a very caring friend...:thumb

[ColoradoMama]

I agree with Coralsmom. I'd be up front with her. Let her know that you'd love to talk about your child, but you also want to be considerate of her feelings. If she wants to know about your child, then I'd say answer her. But, I'd also add that I think it would be totally appropriate to say something like - if I'm talking about my child and it just gets too painful to hear, please tell me, I won't be offended.

[saintmom]

It can be really,really hard to be around people pregnant or otherwise when you've misscarried.In time you find out life goes on,but for a while emotions can be just painfully raw.
You're kind to care about your friends feelings,just play it by ear,you'll know if she's sad.Theres other stuff to talk about besides the ups and downs of mothering.

[Barcino]

I would say keep it short and sweet. I would say she is doing good. If she wants more giver her more but I always appreciated when people did not go on a 1hr long description because it does hurt even if we do wish the best for others. It is so sweet that you are so aware!