Dilema- Doula's please read and advise

[katzmark04]

I am having an issue i need your oppinion on... I am a doula in training, I was supost to take my DONA training class recently but it was cancelled, so i have to wait and travel to a larger city to do it.
My issue. My aunt has a friend who has a daughter who is 16 and Pg and giving the baby up for adoption, the mother is pushing the daughter to give the baby up and i am not all that sure that the DD is on board. The mother has asked me to be the DD's doula even though i have told her i have gone through no formal training. I am in school for Masasge Therapy, so i could help her throuhout in that aspect. I am also 19 and a pg mother myself, i am not sure if i should even get involved or if i am even at a point where i should. The fact that she will not leave me alone about it has got me thinking that maybe this is a sign, but i dont know. Any opinions?:o

[GrrlyElizabeth]

I was surprised when I did my ALACE training at the number of women who'd already started getting clients before they even trained. The training is valuable, for sure, but you can learn a lot from reading and watching some positive birth videos, if you can get your hands on them. I'd say if you want to be this woman's doula, then you shouldn't turn it down.

But do you want to? It sounds like she could use a supportive outsider to help her out during this time. OTOH, if it would be too much of a drain on you emotionally to be involved in their situation, you should respect that as well.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

[onlyboys]

Well, I'm a birth junkie, but I would go even if it is just to be with her while she births. It will be a traumatic event for her, since she is feeling pressured to give her baby up for adoption, and you could simply be available to her so that she not feel so alone, you know?

It sounds like a sad situation all the way around.

If you are pregnant yourself, then be really sure to take good care of yourself--eat and drink--while you care for her.

[doulaterri]

How does the mom who is pregnant feel? Does she want to have a doula? I would start with her first. You said her <Mom> wants you to be her doula. I would ask her first. If she is open to it and it seems like a good fit, and you want to, why not? You don't have to go through training to be a good doula, you just have to have a doula heart! Good luck.

Terri

[memiles]

If you do decide to attend mom, be sure to order your certification packet first. As long as you have it in hand, you have several years to finish your requirements. However, if you don't have your packet, you can't count the birth toward your certification.

::::::::::learned that one the hard way:::::::::

[katzmark04]

I should say... the mom wants me to be the DD's doula, the mother is not PG

[Lizzo]

I believe they meant how does the pregnant mom feel about you being her doula....
Last year, I was 16 and pregnant and felt A LOT of pressure (not from my mother, per se, but pressure none the less) to give up my DS for adoption. It ate me up everyday. I signed up for a birthing class and the womyn who taught was a doula. After a couple classes (it was just myself, my DP and the doula) I became very clear that I was not going to give my son up. And this womyn became my doula. And she was a bright shining light through the rest of my pregnancy and she continues to be in my life. I cannot say enough for what this womyn has done for me on so many different levals and I am so glad she came into my life.
I in fact became a doula as well. This all changed my life.
As a doula, you can ask her how she feels about everything. If adoption truly is the route she wants to go. Her mother doesn't have to be at the meetings.
Also, from a doula's persepctive, not a teen mama's, any birth is experience that you grow and learn from even if you don't get to use it as credit. And sometimes doing something for someone else is the absolute greatest gift and training experience, one that benefits you the most.
:love

[Midwife Kris]

Any opinions?:o

Certification plans aside, to me this sounds like an early lesson in deciding what type of clientele you would like to serve AND getting an idea of how difficult family dynamics can be sometimes. I would recommend that if you are interested in attending this woman as her doula that you ask her mother to pass on your contact information, leaving it up to the pregnant woman herself to initiate a relationship with you.

Best wishes...

[MommyBear]

If you do decide to attend mom, be sure to order your certification packet first. As long as you have it in hand, you have several years to finish your requirements. However, if you don't have your packet, you can't count the birth toward your certification.

::::::::::learned that one the hard way:::::::::

This actually depends on who you will be certifying through. With DONA you have to have completed the training workshop before attending births to count for certification.

Go with your heart on this one. It could be a way to gain some experience but if it isn't something you're comfortable with, just tell them. You could also offer to find another doula for them.

[courtenay_e]

I have a couple suggestions that you may wish to consider.

First, as previous posters suggested, be sure to get it from the pregnant mama's mouth that your support will be appreciated, or you won't do her much good.

Second, will you be paid? Why exactly is the baby's granna so fixated on YOU? Is it because she thinks you'll be free or lower cost? I would certainly charge something, if this is the case. Whether or not you are certified, if she values you for the service you will provide then you should be paid for it. If she's only asking you b/c you're not certified so you'll be free, then I suggest you point her to the doulas advertising on bellywomen.

Third, I agree w/ pp's that this experience can be extremely educational, but I highly suggest that you read up on this type of situation before you get involved so that you can really be of help. If she will indeed be giving the baby up for adoption, I would suggest contacting a social worker who's experienced in that field and see what kind of resources you can point her towards, as far as support groups, etc. If she really doesn't want to give the baby up, then try to find some resources to help her in that direction, as well. You are there for the laboring and birthing mother, not so much her family!

Lastly, I highly suggest that you have meetings INDEPENDENT of the granna. You need to listen very, very carefully to the type of birth the MAMA wants, not what HER mother wants. It is your job to facilitate the type of birth that the laboring and birthing mama hopes to have, and that includes working with and/or around the family and staff to meet that objective. The woman laboring and birthing is your responsibility, not so much her family!

Good luck. It sounds like a difficult situation all around. Keep us posted, though!

[pumpkinsmama]

I believe they meant how does the pregnant mom feel about you being her doula....
Last year, I was 16 and pregnant and felt A LOT of pressure (not from my mother, per se, but pressure none the less) to give up my DS for adoption. It ate me up everyday. I signed up for a birthing class and the womyn who taught was a doula. After a couple classes (it was just myself, my DP and the doula) I became very clear that I was not going to give my son up. And this womyn became my doula. And she was a bright shining light through the rest of my pregnancy and she continues to be in my life. I cannot say enough for what this womyn has done for me on so many different levals and I am so glad she came into my life.
I in fact became a doula as well. This all changed my life.
As a doula, you can ask her how she feels about everything. If adoption truly is the route she wants to go. Her mother doesn't have to be at the meetings.
Also, from a doula's persepctive, not a teen mama's, any birth is experience that you grow and learn from even if you don't get to use it as credit. And sometimes doing something for someone else is the absolute greatest gift and training experience, one that benefits you the most.
:love

You got me all teared up with your story! She sounds like a wonderful woman, I am glad you were blessed with her when you needed someone the most. :love

[Paige, CPM]

It sounds like working with this mom could be a great experience for both of you. If you decide to work with her, I would have to really back up what the other posters have said. Make sure you meet with her alone. And reach out to others for their advise or experience and share this with your client...say it is a new situation for you too but you can look into things together (support groups, counseling, books)...this is empowering her and helping her with her journey.

May I offer another suggestion. As doulas or midwives we want the best for our clients...so if you are feeling like this might be too much ...like you don't have the experience as a doula or with this subject matter or that it is too heavy to take on during pregnancy...that, one of the best things you could do is talk to other doulas in the community and see if you can find the best person to work with her and then facilitate making sure, if the young woman wants a doula, that it happens. And maybe you could even work with her still ...so she has two support people.

You will always win respect from clients and fellow birth workers for reaching out and looking for the best for your clients. Just like you are doing here by discussing these issues...you are going to be a great doula!

Good luck with your decisions! Paige

[Victorian]

there is some great advice here. I worked for many years with teen moms and if I were in your shoes I would

* make sure the mom wants you

* make sure that the mom (and grandma) knows that you are there to support the mom and NOT push anyone else's ideas or agendas on her. If that means helping her to find resources to keep the baby then that is what you will do

* Make sure that they both realize that you practice with a confidentuality clause...what the mom tells you will NOT be related without her permission

* meet her alone just like you would otherwise do

* find out if there is a boyfriend that wants to be involved

* * remember doulaing is in your heart, not your credentials * *