littleteapot
03-03-2006, 07:29 PM
I stayed with my friend to attend her birth. Except I missed the actual birthing part due to unforseen circumstances. It's a long story.
I was staying with her for two weeks, and being her breastfeeding counsellor and new mama helper. She was there the night my son was born and died. It was such a strange coincidence that she'd come to visit right when I went into preterm labour. She saw him, and touched him when he was still alive. She was the only one who saw him move. Her saying that to me gave me so much comfort... knowing that he moved before he died. She said she saw him wave his arm and take a breath.
She ended up having a hospital birth, and on the day she was discharged I held her (three day old) daughter while she went and changed in the bathroom. I sat back on her hospital bed with the baby in my arms and she was awake at first, then she fell asleep deeply. Completely limp, and she didn't even make a sound, or a shudder.
I started having a panic attack, and checked for breathing, and touched her skin. I know I was hallucinating, because I didn't feel her breath, or her chest rise, and her skin felt cold. I tried to jostle her awake but she was out too deeply, and her arms just hung so limp.
As soon as someone came I handed her off, and I kept having a panic attack for the next two days. I didn't want my friend to know how much it scared me.
I started having nightmares about her baby dead in my arms, and her lips would turn blue and her skin would turn white. Or about being pregnant with my son again.
The rest of the time I was there I couldn't handle holding her when she was asleep so deeply.
She is the first baby I've held since my son, and I didn't think it would be so hard.
I love her dearly, she's beautiful - but I never want my friend to know how scary it was when she was sleeping. I kept seeing my son in my arms. I thought I'd forgotten what he looked like just after he died, but I guess I didn't.
I was staying with her for two weeks, and being her breastfeeding counsellor and new mama helper. She was there the night my son was born and died. It was such a strange coincidence that she'd come to visit right when I went into preterm labour. She saw him, and touched him when he was still alive. She was the only one who saw him move. Her saying that to me gave me so much comfort... knowing that he moved before he died. She said she saw him wave his arm and take a breath.
She ended up having a hospital birth, and on the day she was discharged I held her (three day old) daughter while she went and changed in the bathroom. I sat back on her hospital bed with the baby in my arms and she was awake at first, then she fell asleep deeply. Completely limp, and she didn't even make a sound, or a shudder.
I started having a panic attack, and checked for breathing, and touched her skin. I know I was hallucinating, because I didn't feel her breath, or her chest rise, and her skin felt cold. I tried to jostle her awake but she was out too deeply, and her arms just hung so limp.
As soon as someone came I handed her off, and I kept having a panic attack for the next two days. I didn't want my friend to know how much it scared me.
I started having nightmares about her baby dead in my arms, and her lips would turn blue and her skin would turn white. Or about being pregnant with my son again.
The rest of the time I was there I couldn't handle holding her when she was asleep so deeply.
She is the first baby I've held since my son, and I didn't think it would be so hard.
I love her dearly, she's beautiful - but I never want my friend to know how scary it was when she was sleeping. I kept seeing my son in my arms. I thought I'd forgotten what he looked like just after he died, but I guess I didn't.