My family not mentioning loss: RANT/wwyd?

[newcastlemama]

I am getting very frustrated. :irked: My family only comments on the physical aspects of my MC. I ended up in shock from blood loss and was hospitalized earlier this week, but that as really not a big deal to me. I have only been sad over the loss of my baby. I am the most sensitive person in my family and always have been, so this is no suprise. When my husband told my aunt what happened she just said, "yeah, I heard about that". (!!!!!)
My stepdad kept talking about how we should sell our house and I wanted to yell out "No, our babies were born there, and one is buried there." but I was just too sad and weak. They don't even know I saw her, named her Rose, and buried her!!!! My husband's family has been mourning/talking with us and mine is just glad I am not blacking out anymore. Noone even asks my poor dh how he feels and he feels as sad as I do!:(

I feel like I am going to explode! I will be around my family a lot the next two weeks because my dr said I really need to rest..I am not allowed to even drive or pick up my toddler so someone has to care for us.

I just feel like I can't go on pretending like she didn't exist around them. I am thinking about telling everone what happened on Wed night when we all get together for dinner at my mom's (a regular thing with all my siblings). They already think of me as the emotional hippie of the family so it wouldn't change that...What do you all think?
Jennifer

[BethanyB]

Ug! That's too bad about your fam! You absolutely need to say something to them! The thing is, before the loss of my son, and my recent m/c, I had no clue how devastating it could be. I had friends who had had m/c's, and I didn't realize what a big deal it was until now. So your family is probably the same way. Explain to them how hurt you are, and what a big deal this was, and hopefully they will listen and not judge you. And if they judge you, screw 'em, because they are not in a place to say how you should feel. I hope you are ok during the next few weeks! Keep checking in here.:Hug

[honeybeedreams]

yeah... my midwife told me 3 things when i called her to tell her what happened:

watch for infection, when you get a period you're ready to get pregnant again, and don't be surprised if people do not acknowledge your loss. if people never really felt a connection to your baby or pregnancy, they may very well pretend that it was no big deal.

all my friends have been really great. my mom (adoptive) on the other hand has been pretty unconcerned about the whole thing. she is usually really good with death... but she has said some pretty stupid things to me (via email mind you, she hasn't even called me). my MIL has not called me either. my birthmom called me right away and sent me a big vase of flowers, but has not called me since.

i think it's really hard to understand if you haven't lost a baby. and, oh yeah, people are just generally really terrible about dealing with death, of any kind. IMO.

:Hug

don't wait for others to approach you, if they are important to you, call them up and tell them how you are feeling emtionally, or just do for yourself what would make you feel better. or just talk to people who are understanding.

i'm sorry mama, this is just making a really hard situation harder. :(

[newcastlemama]

Thanks for your replies bethany and honeybee. The funny thing is my 2 best friends who have never even been pregnant, have been the most understanding.

One of their husbands even left a long message on our machine while we were in the hospital saying how horrible this was while he was crying. My friend said he was depressed and everything. I guess that's why I have the friends I do. They are truly empathetic people.:love They even call me everyday just to check in (one lives in TN and one in SoCal) and let me talk about anything I want. They are really great. Then the MDC mamas too! We only know eachother on the computer but I feel closer with ya'll than some of my family!

Thank you for your support...I hope you are getting support during this hard time, Jennifer

[GearGirl]

I'm glad you have friends to support you! I too would tell them how you feel, they already think you are the sensitive one, so that won't change but at least you can share your feelings and hope for the best. My BIL is a psychiatrist, and I spoke to him about problems I have with my family and how I want to spend time with them and feel like they are pretty distant, and he told me that they ARE just different from me, and that would be my cross to bear. I found it a little freeing because I changed from feeling hurt by their actions to really just being able to vocalize our differences. Its still hard sometimes, but easier now. I am so sorry for your loss, it is terrible.

[AllyRae]

:hug: I am so sorry.... My family (with the exception of 1 sister) doesn't mention my son ever. It makes me pretty sad that nobody ever talks about him. But, I've decided that *I* will incorporate him into conversations and I will mention him when I want to because he's my son. Maybe, if you mention your baby by name, people will see that it's ok to talk about her?

[coralsmom]

when we lost our daughter, eventually my parents came to be with us. i had read alot of books in the interum, and on a walk, i told my father that women who have had a m/c feel the loss of their child just like i did, and coral, my daughter, was full term, born stillborn. he was stunned and wanted to read what i read. i gave him the books and it totally changed his world. he had NO idea that m/c caused so much pain, so much loss, or that parents of babies who were m/c'ed often named thier babies, buried them, remembered them, or considered them members of their families. but after he read the books, he understood. my mom and dad lost a baby to m/c between me and my little sister. i don't think either one of them ever dealt with that loss in a healthy way, until then. i think my daughter dying enabled them to feel some of that pain from their own loss. he even mentioned their baby from almost 30 years ago during a prayer before christmas dinner in front of the entire family. it was sad, but appropriate, veru meaningful to all of us to remember and include this baby in our thoughts.

i guess what i'm writing is that people really don't understand, there is nothing in our society, our culture, to support the fact that losing a baby before the baby is born, at any stage, can be a traumatic loss. we, as a culture, are encouraged to 'move on' and 'try again- you'll feel better when you gat pregnant again'... and other ways of denying our feelings of loss for a m/c'ed baby. in my dad's case, all it took was a single reading of a book about pregnancy loss to change his view. and i'm sure it changed his life, as the father of a lost baby so long ago.

i think because our society is so ill-equipped to deal with this, it takes some bravery to even breech the subject. most people would expect you to say 'i had a m/c' not 'we had a baby, the baby died at x wks, and we named the baby ---'. its SO hard to share the reality! having a book to go as an inbetween was very helpful for me. there are so many good books out there written about pregnancy loss. your library may have a selection, or the internet. there is a sticky at the top of this forum that lists some of these resources, if you need them.
personally, i havn't even told my family, except my parents, about my recent m/c. it hurts too much to even speak of it.
i hope that if it is your desire to have your family know about rose, and what she means to you, you will be able to share her with them, and they will be able to receive her and have some understanding. i am so sorry for the loss of your little rose. :hug

[Mama8]

I am so very sorry for your loss. Our son died when he was 4 months 1 week old on March 24, 2004. The anniversary of his death is fast approaching and very few people even mention him. For some strange reason in our society it isn't acceptable to speak of death or really mourn very long. Strange. My mil and fil never even came to the funeral. It was shocking. So I empathize with you. For me I will always speak of Christian and keep him close in our memories and hearts and it is my wish and hope that one day that people will come to realize that death is a part of life and we who lose a child need to be supported and acknowledge along with our little ones. Hugs to you and a hand held out.

[KBinSATX]

Maybe they are waiting for you to talk? I never know what to do when somebody experiences a loss either (not limited to MC but any kind husband, etc.). Should I ask them about it or would they rather I don't, etc. It's not that I wouldn't be willing to hear or talk about it but I am never quite sure...
So if you want to talk, talk and I am sure they will respond?

[taradt]

With my family I just kept talking about my first 2 losses, they were still uncomfortable so i wrote a really long email about how it saddened me and hurt my feelings when they pretended that nothing happened, that seemed to work well. with my last loss most family members were much more open and tried to understand better.

I hope you get through to them

tara