Almost 5 months...

[dziejen]

I haven't posted here in awhile. I used to "stalk" this forum night and day looking for people to reply to and hurt with but now I have been at MDC a lot less. I guess we have been busy. It has been almost 5 months since we lost Carrie and just last night I "remembered" our baby died. It almost takes my breath away instantly. I think about her constantly but sometimes it all still seems so surreal, like it was someone else that this happened to. Like my brain is blocking out the pain now because I am not crying every day but I still am not the same. Tomorrow I go my OB for my yearly GYN stuff and I couldn't dread it more. I feel like I am stuck in such a weird place. Right in the middle of indecision. Just wanted to see how everyone else is holding up.

[honeybeedreams]

:Hug

sorry you are hurting mama. it's good you are living your life... the memory of the departed is a blessing on the living... whenever you remember your carrie it's okay.

i would ditch the OB and go see a midwife, they are more gentle and understanding. i got all my well-woman care from a midwife years before my son was born. i remember my first visit, she made me a cup of tea and we sat on her couch and chatted like old friends for 20 minutes before she said anything about an exam or anything. it was very nice and put me at ease.

i think your hurting heart deserves a gentler touch.

[BethanyB]

dziejen, It's good to hear from you again! I am right there with you. My son Quinn was born a day after Carrie:( . It does feel weird being almost five months. Most people I know never mention him anymore. It sucks.:crying . Hope you are hanging in there.

[surf mama]

:candle Carrie Louise
Quinn :candle

[littleteapot]

This is right around the time you get into "It's only been five months" vs. "it's been five whole months".
It seems like forever ago, and yet almost no time has passed.

For us it's been four months, and sometimes it feels years away.

[Barcino]

My son died 10-8 - was born 9-30 so I am right there with you.
I bawled my eyes out last night and so did my husband because I became obessed with the fact that I want to know what he would look like now :(
I am doing better like you - not hurting everday - but I find that everday life is very difficult right now. I dont want to do anything - cook, clean.... nothing that takes effort. I would be happy to stay all day in bed and eve showering is a task for me. So I guess I am not doing so good.... but hey I am mourning I think I am entitled to lazyness :(

Hugs to you. Wow we have quite a few moms that lost angels around the same time!

[coralsmom]

dziejen,
it is nice to see you checking in. being busy is a good distraction, compared to living in a constant state of loss with no breaks. i wanted to let you know that i am experiencing a similiar thing in that i suspect that my brain is blocking memories out. i don't know how i feel about this. it will be a year from when coral died in a couple weeks. i am trying to address this inability to recall certain events on that day, well, i can recall them, but it is like my brain won't let me actually think about it for more than a second or two and then it shuts the memory off. i am going to try emdr therapy, which apparanty many people who have suffered post-traumatic stress d/o get help from, and losing a baby definately falls into that ptsd catagory. i am hoping it will allow me to precess some of the more painful thoughts. it isn't something that is signifigantly altering my daily life in any way, but i would like to proceed with the grief process in the most healthy way i can, and i think this is making me feel like i am stuck. do you feel like that?
i am thinking of you, and carrie. i hope you will continue to post when you can, your thoughts and feeling are so valuable and appreciated. also, i had a crappy follow-up post-partum visit, i was looking forward to it, but it ended up being rushed and it just bummed me out that my body had gone back to 'normal'. it could turn out to be a healing event, you never know.

also, i know there is sometimes a strong preference for either midwifery care or ob care, but if you like your ob, i personally feel like it doesn't matter what lisence they carry, if a woman is comfortable with her caregiver, and the care given is professional and makes you feel like you are being listened to and watched out for, than stay or switch or whatever you have to do. we have a cnm, and i love her. i would be just as happy with some of the home-birth midwives (except i couldn't do a home birth...) i have met as i would with the maternal-fetal medicine ob at the larger hospital. they have all shown equal amounts of care and concern and they all offer different perspectives and knowledge-bases. sorry to go off on a tangent...

[honeybeedreams]

coralsmom, i was just going to suggest EMDR. i have has some in the past and find it a really low-key effective way to deal with trauma. (it sucks when therapy re-traumatizes you... not very helpful)

another thing i just want to mention.... it takes around 3 years for the pain of a death to really lessen... any death that is tramatic or that deeply effects us stays with us strongly for at least 3 years.

if you have lost a baby that was full term or almost full term, i would strongly suggest you give yourself at least 3 years to grieve before you start thinking about tme limits for your grief.

that's not to say that you will feel your pain and trauma everyday just as strongly as you are now for 3 years, but just that it will be something like 3 years before you feel like you are really recovering.

and of course this is just a generalization, you may feel it less or longer, it's just a general guideline about how long you might want to give yourself for grieving.


:grouphug

[dziejen]

This is right around the time you get into "It's only been five months" vs. "it's been five whole months".
It seems like forever ago, and yet almost no time has passed.


That's exactly it. Sometimes just having people know how you feel helps. Thanks guys. :grouphug I am lucky to have so many close friends IRL too which has definitely been helping me through.

My appt this morning was ok. It was quick which is the way I like it. My doctor is compassionate enough for me -- really I seek most of my info and support elsewhere but the true emotion that he showed when our daughter died makes me feel comfortable there.

It's nice to hear from you all. I think of you all often and wonder how you are coping too. I still check in and read a lot of the posts but don't respond as much as I was. Sucky that we all have reason to post in this forum but nice that we are together in this.

[lestouffer]

I am sorry for all of your losses. I remember 5 months after the deaths of both my sons and don't envy you a bit. As we approach what would have been their 6 and 3rd birthdays (2/19/00 and 3/24/03 were their due dates) I am constantly amazed at how much loss I still feel. No longer pain, just a hole. As I look at my 2 beautiful daughters that have been born since, the reminders that they are not boys and will never replace their brothers...is no solace.

I too think that it is "sucky" that we are here, but glad that we have such a nice support system.

[flapjack]

Hi, I just lurk here from time to time to see how you're doing, Jen. It's a long time since my first daughter was stillborn, but I know how dreadful the surreal feeling is. Take care of yourself, OK?

[HoosierDiaperinMama]

I was just coming here to check you, Jen. :hugs

For us it has been 6 months and that 6 mo. anniversary passed and I found myself looking at other 6 month olds I knew and thinking to myself, "What would Reagan have been doing? Would she be like her brother and not be sitting up? Would she babble on and on like Ross?" I mean, these are thoughts I have every day, but on the anniversary of her birth, things are more vivid.

There is just nothing easy about this and I hate it that any of us have to have this common connection. I'm glad your OB appt. went well. My OB is also very compassionate. I've never seen a more "human" dr. than my OB.

I just wanted to let you know I think about you all the time and I wish you much peace and love. :hugs

:candle Carrie Louise :candle

[RachelGS]

:candle Carrie
:candle Quinn
:candle Reagan