Overcoming fear (mine)

[gaialice]

Well, I have posted so much about my issues with my kids that I think I have a bored audience. But recently, I have been thinking that the real real issue is that when I get home at 18:00 I rarely think "Wow! I am finally going to relax and enjoy my evening" rather what is on my mind is "Will I be able to put the kids to bed by 20:30"? "Will I be able to get to pre-school at 9:00 am"? I would like to parent in a more consensual way, but our situation is what it is (my family far away - I work full time - dh with us only 3 days/week) and things just have to get done.
I make a point of making the evening enjoyable for the kids, spending some time to play with them before I prepare dinner, involve them in the dinner preparations, make getting ready for bed playful and enjoyable for them, make going to sleep peaceful... my full attention is on the kids. I just never even give a scant thought to the idea of enjoying my dinner. That seems like just not attainable....
I think that this is getting to me. I am constantly in tension, afraid of not being able to get things done, without yelling, being always gentle, bending over backwards to meet all their needs.... When dh is there it's different but on my own it seems sooo hard to remind myself that the evening is mine to enjoy, not to serve the kids...
Does anyone know a magic formula to break this spell?

[bellona]

I've been there. DH went almost two years where he was home an average of 1 1/2 days a week. I was going to school full time and watching upwards to 7 extra kids as many as 12 hours a day in addition to my own two, and part of the time i was pregnant. No family that could help nearby...no friends. I got into the same rut as you and I know its discouraging.

I did a couple of things that helped. First, I kept a note pad with me everywhere. Any time I had something I was trying to remember or something I thought of that I needed to do, I'd write it down. Or any idea at all for that matter. It cut down on my worrying that stuff wouldn't get done ALOT. Another thing I did was try to get ahead of the game. I realized that much of my stress came from the fact that I was playing catch up all the time and just reacting to things. I sat down when the kids were in bed and made a list of things I was having problems with. Then one by one, I brainstormed ideas about how to make them better. Mornings went smoother when I made sure the night before that the kids clothes were laid out and breakfast was planned. Bedtime went smoother when we started a real bedtime routine that included as much fun as we could fit. I could sit and enjoy dinner with my kids when I made a checklist (how nerdy is that) to make sure that I wasn't forgetting anything when we sat down. I kept food and drinks as well as extra forks at the table and a towel nearby for anyspills. And I turned off the phone :D For me, the key was becoming more proactive than reactive.

[gaialice]

I could sit and enjoy dinner with my kids when I made a checklist (how nerdy is that) to make sure that I wasn't forgetting anything when we sat down. I kept food and drinks as well as extra forks at the table and a towel nearby for anyspills. And I turned off the phone! For me, the key was becoming more proactive than reactive.
Thanks for all your points and especially this one about dinner. The same is true of bedtime, really, because a lot of the time I have to go and find the bottle of water or go and find the pacifier and it really does save energy to be better organized and more proactive