8 days later...

[chellemarie]

I was feeling miserable last Tuesday. I was in every way ready for my baby to be on my outside rather than my inside. I couldn't sleep, I was disappointed my uterus was once again hanging onto a baby past our due date, my legs were swollen and I was in general, all-over pain and misery.

So he's here now and I'm madly in love with him. But I can't stop crying. My mom and sister and dh have listened to me talk it out again and again but it hasn't helped much.

I miss him even while I'm holding him. I want him back in so bad sometimes. I can't believe I wrote those whining, complaining posts on the pregnancy board. I walk past the full-length mirror in the hallway and miss my belly so bad it aches.

My delivery went so quickly. I pushed for about five contractions. I said, "Is that the head?" when he was born...ALL of him. I told dh I was waiting for the next contraction 1/2 an hour later.

I know I won't be pregnant again. I know this is the last time I"ll have a newborn and the last time I'll be nursing a baby. I can't stand it that those thoughts are keeping me from enjoying my baby as much as I could and should.

Seeing him...so little and needy...and then looking at my older children, I'm unable to recall what they were like as babies. I can't remember what they looked like or felt like when they were that small. It makes me panic. I didn't sleep for the first five days because I was afraid I'd wake up and he'd be grown. How ridiculous is that?

I feel like I should be all glowing and happy and wanting to show my baby off but most of the time I just want to be left alone so I can focus on him and not miss one second of his babyness.

Leaving the hospital was very difficult for me. He roomed in and as long as we were in that room, I had the sense he'd stay a baby forever.

We saw our niece and nephew this weekend. 8mos and 4mos. They looked enormous and like kids rather than babies. And weren't they JUST born?!

I know this gets better eventually and that crying IS healthy. I keep thinking maybe I haven't hit on the one thing that's really bothering me...and if I just keep talking it out, maybe that one thing will surface and I can stop feeling so blue.

[lilyka]

I can totally relate. I hated. HATED being pregnant. It was awful. I have never enjoyed it but it seemed particullary taxing this time. I swore i would never have another baby it just wasn' worth it. Then Ihad her. 3 hours of pre labor and about 5 contraction of pushing. I truely feel like I missed out. I never even knew I was in labor until the very end. I got to my prenatal appointment and I was 10 cm. i can't belilve I am sad about missing labor. I feel cheated in a way though because I didn't have those hours of antisipation (she was early even so it all came as a complete surprise) All that excitement building. Also I couldn't understand the feelings of wanting her back inside me. That was just so wierd aftetr wantng her out so bad. I loved being in the hospital, just her and I. Every moment was so perfect. When I cam home I swear my 2 year old had grown six inches and gained 50 pounds. They were so big. On the one hand I misse d thier babyhood but on the other I wanted to lock my self in a room with Ava and not miss one minute. I cried all the time. Still do. I saw a little newborn today and relized that in few short weeks she had become this big baby. She was growing so fast and I hardly remember much of it. We watched home videos the other day and cried. there were my babies. they all looked identical and sound the same. it was sureal. It really could have been any on of them on the sceen. I just can't believe how fast time is going. She is sleepingnow. She doesn't nap well so this is a rare treat but still every time I walk past her I want to wake her up just to spend time with her.

Anyway, i just wanted to let you know I understand how you feel. it is wierd how it all comes together. One minute you wish they were old enough to do whatever and then the minute they are you want to go back in time.

[Foobar]

I can't quite relate, but I wanted to give you a :hug.

You did a wonderful thing and adjusting afterwards is hard.

Thinking of you!

[mama2girls]

I can relate, too. I think it's probably due quite a bit to the post-pg raging hormones. If your "blues" last longer than 2 weeks, it's probably ppd. Are you getting any time to yourself? It sounds like you are bonding with your new baby, and that's terrific. Don't forget to pat yourself on the back for what you've done... you just brought a person to LIFE! :hugs

[QueeTheBean]

Ah, man--totally sucks, doesn't it??

My current baby is turning one in a few weeks, and I still feel pregnant with him, KWIM? The year went so fast I am still catching my breath from delivering him (a qucik one, too, by the way). He is our last and it is so bittersweet. At 7 weeks, I asked him to stay as he was, but alas, he kept growing.

Than only thing that helps me at times like this is to think of my son and all the fun things he'll be able to do--color with crayons, run, pick a book out at the library, ride a merry go round, collect shells on the beach with his grampa. I want him to stay little, but he has to grow--and so much of it is going to be great for him--I can look at my big son now and see where the little one is headed. He wants to be off and moving like his big brother, and as much as I want him to STOP and stay littlw for me, I know it is best for him to move on.


How lucky your little boy is to have a mom who loves him so much and cares about his whole little self!

[mama2girls]

Originally posted by chellemarie
II feel like I should be all glowing and happy and wanting to show my baby off but most of the time I just want to be left alone so I can focus on him and not miss one second of his babyness.


This is NOT ridiculous! I wondered when A was born if I would ever want another baby. I mean I couldn't stand to think that I would for sure miss out on part of her growing and not be able to give her my full attention. And I didn't think I could possibly think a baby was as wonderful as she was. But she grew and needed me a little less as each month would pass.

And now I have M and she's just as wonderful, in fact some days I love her more (I love to bf and the toddler stage is not one of my favorites, but then again the hugs and I Love yous are worth it! :D).

And I am less afraid of missing part of her growing and enjoying it so much more... is it the second baby or is it the ppd meds?

[its_our_family]

I can kinda relate too.....

I missed being pg about 2 days after ds was born. i loved it.....I still have phantom baby kicks 10 months later....its kind of a nice reminder of what once was. I cn't believe how fast they change...I want my baby to stay a baby...but some days I want him to grow up........ahhhhh the joys of motherhood??

[gurumama]

My youngest is about to turn 1 and I've felt that way all year, except for the "put him back in my body" part! We're not sure if this is our last, but I'm ACTING like it is, getting rid of his stuff as he outgrows it, giving away baby gear, etc.

We're still nursing, which really helps.

I think what you're feeling is very normal. Just feel it--don't try to fight it or guilt yourself.

Good luck,

Mel