The relationship

[allgirls]

It's all about the relationship...in order to effectively discipline and raise a child you have to have a strong trusting relationship with them.

sometimes I think that's why I have such a hard time with my older girls..it's because the trust and the relationship went through such a strain when I left their father and then their father has destroyed all his trust. My DH can't discipline my oldest at all because she refuses to build a relationship with him because her father hurt her so badly. He can discipline my 12 year old quite effectively because she loves and respects him as a father figure because she has built a relationship of trust with him. She trusts he is looking out for her best interests.

My 2.5 year old completely trusts her dad and I and we have relatively few problems with her that aren't completely normal and age appropriate. And hopefully we can maintain that trust.

It's all about the relationship you have..that's what I have been thinking about lately.

Spanking, detachment, CIO all damage the relationship and that's why they are not good discipline. That's why they don't work.

Attachment, sleep sharing, responsive parenting, engaging your children often and regularly throughout the day, respecting them and their needs(and their wants) builds trust.

I am just thinking out loud here.

Cheers

[USAmma]

That is so true! I loset my temper sometimes, but my kids are okay, our family is okay. Because we have a strong relationship and lots of love. My dd2 has major eating issues (no hunger cues, no full cues, small stomach, feeding difficulties, tube-fed). Last night after I spent 30 mins convincing her to eat dinner and she ate most of it, she vomited. I was so frustrated I said some four letter words. Dd2 probably thought I was yelling at her. I went to the bathroom and stripped dd2 down for a bath and put a smile on my face and within minutes she was back to her cheerful, chattering self. Then my dd1 came in and said, "It's not your fault. It's not Nitara's fault. It's nobody's fault, Mommy. You are the best Mommy even when you are upset." She stroked my head and then drew me a picture.

I am so blessed to have such a great couple of kids. I am not close to the perfect parent but I'm trying. I say sorry, I hug a lot, and tell them Mommy is still learning, too. There are times when my 5yo will be upset with me and shout things at me or go and slam her door. I tell her, "I still love you even when you are angry with me, because you are my daughter." It's starting to come full circle.

[irinam]

ITA! That's one of the reasons I cringe when I read/hear talk about "specific technique" or "1-2-3 something" regarding parenting.

Kids are not machines :p and 1-2-3's are not going to build the reationship.

And if trust is there and all the parties don't "perform" perfectly at all the times, the problems are much easier to handle.

[AntoninBeGonin]

ITA! That's one of the reasons I cringe when I read/hear talk about "specific technique" or "1-2-3 something" regarding parenting.

Kids are not machines :p and 1-2-3's are not going to build the reationship.

And if trust is there and all the parties don't "perform" perfectly at all the times, the problems are much easier to handle.

You're exactly right, some parents don't want kids, they want performers.

~Nay