I just got the saddest e-mail from my sister

[Nik's Mommy]

I just got an e-mail from my sister and now I am totally bummed. She was asking me what my dh got me for Valentine's Day. I responded and asked her what her dh was getting her. She sent me a note back about how she doesn't want to celebrate Valentine's Day, because a year ago she had a tubal pg discovered on Valentine's Day.... and she is still very upset about it. Her dh and her have been ttc for a while and are having no luck. She said she has had 5 people tell her that they are expecting in the last month alone and it is getting very hard for her. (She doesn't know I'm expecting yet. I was going to tell her this weekend.... now I'm not so sure....)

I sent her a note, asking her to still celebrate Valentine's a little. I thought it would help. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. I really don't know. I told her about all the great ladies here, and how comforting it was to know there were other people going through what I was, when I had my m/c in November. I'm hoping she may start visiting here - you will like her - but she's not really computer savy.... I barely even get e-mails from her.

My sister lives 800km away from me. She is my only sibling. I miss her terribly.... especially on days like this. I would love to hop in my car and drive the 8+ hours one way just to give her a hug. I didn't realize how much the tubal pg bothered her. Maybe she didn't feel she could share with me, till I had the m/c. Then we were both in the same "pg loss club".

If you read this....... thanks for listening...... I just needed to "talk" about this a little. I just feel so bad for her. She would make the most wonderful mother. I pray this happens for her someday.

[Eman'smom]

I'm sorry she is going through this and still having a hard time.
JMO but I'd wait on announcing your happy news until a few weeks from now, if Valentines is tough for her, this won't help. Just be there to listen to her.

[its_our_family]

I know what you're talking about! My sister is 12 hours from me since we moved 3 weeks ago and there are times I want to hop in my car and give her a hug and maybe a punch in the arm! I didn't realize how much I would miss her. :(

I think I would hold off on telling her too. BTW..I didn't know you were expecting again! Congratulations! :D

[abakerbird]

Holidays can be so difficult after loss like this--especially the first anniversary. I think your sister is fortunate to have you as a source of support! I hope that if she has access, you can direct her to these boards as another source to "lean on."

I don't know if it would be helpful to your sister, but one thing you might suggest is that when she's ready or able, she might find alternative ways to celebrate the holiday.

I lost my firstborn on 4/6/1980, which happened to be Easter Sunday that year . It was impossible to celebrate "new life" on a holiday that only reminded me of the loss. Although 4/6 is not always on the holiday itself, and my spirituality is not connected to that holiday in the same way anymore, it's still difficult, even after all these years. So, I intentionally spend time during that 'season' with my firstborn. I include a white rose in a spring bouquet in my home or take the rose to my faith community, along with a gentle reminder to care for any who have experienced such loss in a season of "new life." I go to a nearby lake sometimes, and take a walk, telling my firstborn how much I miss him, and about what things in my life remind me of him sometimes. I spend time late at night with his "keepsake box," sometimes in peace, and sometimes in tears. And I'm grateful for the brief joy that belonged just to that baby and me as for a moment in time we were together in a way that no one else will ever know.

OK, I'm rambling - anyway, I hope that your sister can find ways of reclaiming the day and still honoring her baby and her own grief, memories and experience. Please let her and her dh know how sorry I am for their loss.

April

[KatherineinCA]

Nik's Mommy:

Congratulations!

And my hear goes out to your sister. I know for me my tubal pregnancy was more difficult than my miscarriages, because it was so dangerous and complicated, in addition to being sad. It introduced an element of uncertainty in terms of future fertility (I lost one tube). It's also very scary to experience something that could kill you. I felt that I dealt with several issues in addition to the loss of my baby, and it took much longer for me to feel more stable afterwards. I'm glad she has your support and love,

Katherine