Hitting in tender moments

[loraxc]

I must shame-facedly admit that I thought we were "done" with hitting. DD went through a brief phase with it around 18 months, and it passed...till now. (She is now 25 months.) Recently, though, we have had some mild hitting and kicking during moments of emotional anger. I understand it, it's really not terrible as far as these behaviors go, and I am comfortable with how we are dealing with it (the standard moving away/not allowing it, plus "I know you are angry, but hitting is not okay. Hitting hurts people and makes them sad. I don't like being hit.")

BUT...what's getting me is that she has started hitting during moments of tenderness and cuddling. We will be happily snuggling or physically playing (she likes a certain amount of gentle roughhousing, like rolling around on the floor) and she hits--not at all hard, but very deliberately, with this thoughtful look on her face. She sometimes gives me the "We don't hit" speech herself AS she does this. (She is very verbal.) I have been reacting as I would if she did this when angry, with moving away and again the "no hitting" reminder. She instantly bursts into huge tears and asks sadly to be picked up, and then she calms down right away.

???! This is so confusing to me. It is weirding me out. Has anyone else been through this? All I can think of is that it's yet more of the classic 2yo dependence/independence stuff. I feel kind of weird going through this cycle with her--it feels almost fake, as opposed to when she hits in anger, which feels very genuine-- but is she working through something or what? It feels kind of like the classic "testing boundaries" thing, but I'm particularly struck by the odd timing.

[maya44]

I must shame-facedly admit that I thought we were "done" with hitting. DD went through a brief phase with it around 18 months, and it passed...till now. (She is now 25 months.) Recently, though, we have had some mild hitting and kicking during moments of emotional anger. I understand it, it's really not terrible as far as these behaviors go, and I am comfortable with how we are dealing with it (the standard moving away/not allowing it, plus "I know you are angry, but hitting is not okay. Hitting hurts people and makes them sad. I don't like being hit.")

BUT...what's getting me is that she has started hitting during moments of tenderness and cuddling. We will be happily snuggling or physically playing (she likes a certain amount of gentle roughhousing, like rolling around on the floor) and she hits--not at all hard, but very deliberately, with this thoughtful look on her face. She sometimes gives me the "We don't hit" speech herself AS she does this. (She is very verbal.) I have been reacting as I would if she did this when angry, with moving away and again the "no hitting" reminder. She instantly bursts into huge tears and asks sadly to be picked up, and then she calms down right away.

???! This is so confusing to me. It is weirding me out. Has anyone else been through this? All I can think of is that it's yet more of the classic 2yo dependence/independence stuff. I feel kind of weird going through this cycle with her--it feels almost fake, as opposed to when she hits in anger, which feels very genuine-- but is she working through something or what? It feels kind of like the classic "testing boundaries" thing, but I'm particularly struck by the odd timing.

I am just guessing here, but maybe she has gotten caught up in the intensity of the reaction both that she has and that she gets when this causes her to burst into tears.

I wonder if it would help to discuss this at a calm time. Like "earlier today you hit me....I know that you know its not OK to hit" and I hope you know that you don't have to cry to get great big hugs from me. I really do not want you to hit me. And I am not going to be able to pick you up after you hit me

And then when she does hit, I would repeat it. I would not 'ignore" her. I would pat her on the back and say "I know you are sad, because you know you are not supposed to hit" "I am not going to pick you up bit you know I love you very much."

[Quagmire]

BUT...what's getting me is that she has started hitting during moments of tenderness and cuddling. We will be happily snuggling or physically playing (she likes a certain amount of gentle roughhousing, like rolling around on the floor) and she hits--not at all hard, but very deliberately, with this thoughtful look on her face. She sometimes gives me the "We don't hit" speech herself AS she does this. (She is very verbal.) I have been reacting as I would if she did this when angry, with moving away and again the "no hitting" reminder. She instantly bursts into huge tears and asks sadly to be picked up, and then she calms down right away.

My DD (same age) is going through something similar. She is doing it to the cats instead of us, but we get the same pre-verbalization to the act, e.g. "we don't hit the kitty!" :: WHACK! :: It seems like she's trying to work out where the lines are, and perhaps trying to internalize the message. In a sense I feel like she's trying to warn us that she's feeling out of control, so if I'm not close by at the time I beat feet over to where she is and help her touch the kitty gently, then redirect/ lead her away so she's not tempted to try it again.

Incidentally, this seems to be going on with a lot of activities. "We don't do x...." followed by immediately doing x. I basically do the same thing as above, reiterate the message and help her physically move away from whatever it is while redirecting her to something more appropriate.

She's definitely working some things out right now. It's a tough and, I'm guessing, very emotional phase, especially where she is learning that her actions cause other people to hurt. Sounds like your DD is developing empathy, which is wonderful :Hug

[abac]

I'm thinking of this differently. You say the hitting is not done in anger and is not at all hard. Then why is it a problem? Are you concerned that she can't differentiate between angry hitting and playful hitting? We often have playful, light hitting in our house, (I pretend to "spank" ds, or tell him we're going to beat the sillies out) and everyone, including 23 mo. ds understands that we don't hit.

[abac]

Sorry, double post.

[loraxc]

Thaanks for the replies!

I am just guessing here, but maybe she has gotten caught up in the intensity of the reaction both that she has and that she gets when this causes her to burst into tears.

I have wondered this too. It would be really unlike her to do this, but they change all the time...I like the idea of talking to her after the moment has passed. I always forget to do that.

It seems like she's trying to work out where the lines are, and perhaps trying to internalize the message.

Yeah, I kind of agree. It's just so odd to me that it happens *especially* at times of affection. But maybe that's sort of a coincidence?

re you concerned that she can't differentiate between angry hitting and playful hitting?

Yes. It's tricky, because she never hits hard...I don't want to confuse her more, you know? Also--she did do "play hitting," where she would laugh afterwards, at about 18 months, but this doesn't seem like that--her face is quite serious and thoughtful when she hits.

[PikkuMyy]

I would make sure that instead of just saying "we don't hit" I would say what we DO do. If she is trying to figure out what the boundaries are and what it means, it would help her to have a dialogue to follow that gives her some instruction on what she should do.

I would think this would help with the kitty things as well. You can even leave out the "we don't do ____" and just phrase it positively. "We touch the kitty gently/stroke the kitty's fur, rub the kitty's back."

[loraxc]

PikkuMy, I should have said--we do do that, too. I say "We touch people gently." We also show her how to touch gently.

[Fuamami]

Yeah, I kind of agree. It's just so odd to me that it happens *especially* at times of affection. But maybe that's sort of a coincidence?.

I don't think so. My dd went through a phase like this, too. In fact she's still kind of in it. Here's what happens:

Sometimes, when my dh or I are hugging, kissing, or snuggling her, she will hit or pinch us. Sometimes it hurts. I think that this has something to do with her developing independence/awareness of herself as a separate person. It also coincides with more emotional maturity, which in turn causes more intense emotions. Sooo, I think she feels a little bit of resentment towards us, because she feels love for us more strongly now. This probably makes no sense at all. I guess I think it's a little bit disconcerting to feel a whole lot of love for someone, you know how you feel almost beholden to them? Well, I don't think my dd knows how to process this yet and cope with it in a healthy way, so she occasionally lashes out to try and diffuse the stress.

Sorry if I'm not explaining this very well, it's hard to verbalize.

[loraxc]

I absolutely see what you mean, natensarah, and I appreciate your thoughts. I actually posted less for "What do I do about this?" than "What is going on here?" and your post is very thought-provoking. DD is definitely going through some emotional maturity changes (becoming aware of social "scripts" and the feelings of others) right now.