mom and dad have different parenting philosophies

[berrymom]

This is a serious problem that is really affecting my marriage in a negative way so I need some help. What do you do when you and your husband have different parenting philosophies?? This is something I've never heard people talk about before, but my husband and I do. I have come to believe in attachment parenting (didn't plan it that way, but my daughter seems to need that) and my husband disagrees. Our daughter is 2 and is still nursing. He is okay with that, but isn't thrilled about it. The biggest problem he has is that she and I sleep together, and he sleeps in another room. This started when she was about 6 months old and I brought her into our bed to nurse so I could get some sleep--she really resisted going into a crib though I tried many times. (Also the irony of this is my DH NEVER ONCE got up to feed her in the middle of the night... practically guaranteeing that I would do whatever I could to get some sleep!) My husband has a bunch of sleep issues that would wake her up--snoring, nightmares, pressing the snooze button a lot. He was also afraid of rolling over on her ( he is a big guy) so he started sleeping in the other room. So we tried the family bed, but with no success. I know other parents that sleep in separate rooms and it's fine, but my husband is not okay with it. He feels it is a statement of something larger in our marriage, that I am choosing our daughter over him. That is not necessarily true, I mainly started to sleep with her out of necessity to get some sleep so I could function, but have kept it up because I feel a strong instinct to be close to her at night and both of us sleep best that way. I believe in the philosophy of co=sleeping now, although I never dreamed I would before I had her. Our master bedroom is kind of far from her room and it would be a big change sleeping far away from her versus having her right next to me. (Although I am willing to give it a try) Anyway, I just feel that DH and I disagree on a lot of parenting philosophies and he is determined that he have a say in everything we do in raising her. We even disagree on discipline and little things that I allow her to do but he doesnt' think she should do. Truthfully we have a lot of problems in our marriage and this maybe is just a symptom of the fact that we are very different people and have lost trust and belief in one another. (We are in counseling right now to work through this.) We would have these problems whether we were sleeping together in the same room or not, I think. We had problems even before we were married and before our daughter came along, but once she was born it has been extremely hard on our marriage.

Sorry this is so long! If anyone has been through a similar situation, or has any advice please let me know... I am afraid that my husband is at his breaking point and is ready to call our marriage quits.

Thanks,
berrymom

[blessed]

My hubby isn't crazy about having our 25 month old in bed with us either. He's afraid it will perpetuate into her being there as a child.

Here's what we do, which is working pretty well.

Baby always falls asleep in my arms in our bed. If I wait long enough, she's in a deep enough stage of sleep that we can transfer her without waking her up. It's really important to make sure she's deeply asleep first. Then papa takes her and tucks her into bed.

We use a baby monitor. Usually baby will stir and I have made sure that I was very responsive (luckily I'm a light sleeper). I never wait until she's upset, but if I hear her whimpering or rolling around in the bed, I tiptoe into her room and quietly soothe her with soft words and touch. Usually she just needs to be covered back up and is waking up from being cold. Because I'm so quick to respond I think it's helped her to feel safe and secure even though she's in a different room than us.

Sometimes she wakes up and wants to come into my bed, and in those cases I do take her back to bed with me. Hubby doesn't like it if it's happening a lot, but is tolerant of it as a now and then thing.

The nice thing about this is that hubby is in bed with you, where he belongs. I think that especially the part of being able to fall asleep together, without the baby there, is conducive to a tighter bond between the two of you as a couple. However, Baby's needs are still being met, and it's a nice compromise.

[jrose_lee]

Seems like some people on this board have their babe on a smaller mattress on the floor next to their bed instead of actually in the bed with them. I haven't really tried this myself, but it seems to work for a lot of people. Would this still be too much for your husband or could it be a compromise without your daughter being too far. The snoring could still be an issue though, hmmm? Sorry I'm not more help. Good for you that you are in counseling together. It shows that you really care about making your relationship work. :thumb

[CariS]

Hey there -

I'm right there with ya mama! Our story is very different but the same.

Our story (quickly) cosleeping has been OK. At first dh was freaking me out about it - he was afraid he'd hurt dd in his sleep or something. But I did research and convinced him. Since then that's been OK. Our issue though is that he resists so many things. He's not one for routines and structure (nor am I - we didn't grow up with it) but I want it for us and dd. So getting him to read to her before bed (so I can have 15 minutes to myself too) was a struggle. He still resists it. Also - I've given up now - but I used to try to get him to help sooth her at night. Won't do it.

I've tried to encourage him to read as I am doing to educate ourselves. Also resisting. It's really hard.

So you are not alone. Ya know, my parents divorced when I was very young. As a result I grew up not wanting to get married for fear of getting divorced. I used to be so stressed about it. Now I feel like I can't tell the future. Who knows. But I think it's important to try to find joy in every day (my dd helps with that BIG time!) and to keep at it.

I think it's great you're in counseling. Hope your therapist is good. I also want to mention several things in case helpful.

You mentioned he is determined that he have a say in everything we do in raising her.

This makes me wonder if he might feel a bit lost in the shuffle. Maybe he feels left out. So if you can find the energy to write him a card or make a special dinner and make a toast to say how great of a father he is (giving some specifics). I've read a lot about dads feeling left out. Maybe he's coming across as upset about specifics but the big picture is he's scared the two of you have such a deep connection that he's not a part of.

Also if there are ways you can ask his advice. Being sure it's things he can't go 'wrong' with. "dh what should dd wear today? Is it going to be hot out or cold today?" Maybe he needs help to feel 'control'

Also sounds like he may need to hear that this too shall pass. You may only have a few more months of this sleeping arrangment. She'll be in school soon. Things will change.

Hope this makes some sense. Good luck to you. It's so hard. I feel like these are the happiest days of my life with my dd and my dh is being a jerk all the time. So I try to focus on the good things, keep working on myself and my issues, and keep trying to find energy to work with him. It's hard. Good luck!

[Alkenny]

If your DH thinks something bigger is going on, there just may be. I'm not saying that you're choosing your daughter over him (which, btw, is only natural) but that his feelings need to be addressed too. I have no advice on how to "win him over" as my DH has alway been on the same page with this sort of thing, but I offer you the best! :hug

[Evergreen]

Have you thought about getting a toddler bed and putting it against your bed? Our bed got to be too small for the three of us when mine was about 18 mos. the toddler bed system has worked very well.

[mom2owen1]

i am in a very similar situation!

dh didn't choose ap, i did - but it is very natural to me and i try to explain to him that if i parented in an unnatural way it wouldn't work very well. i don't think i could do things that felt wrong. he does respect the way i parent, as he sees i am patient, have ds' best interest at heart, etc.

he doesn't understand it and doesn't make an effort to - i do lots of reading and analyzing and thinking about different parenting aspects, how things effect ds emotionally, mentally, etc. dh doesn't want to read about it. he doesnt' want to discuss it. when i try to have a conversation about something i have read he tunes it out. when i try to explain that 'this and this' work better in this situation, he feels i am criticising.

he feels that i make all the decisions and he is left out - i do make most of the decisions since i am with ds all day. i have in the past asked him what kind of decisions he wants to make and he only mentions things like what food we give ds next, etc. i don't think we have gotten to the root of this issue yet.

he didn't want to cosleep in the beginning - but i, like you, needed sleep. we all slept peacefully in one bed until dh's snoring got worse. i couldn't handle being woken up by ds 8 times and dh another 8 times a night. so dh moved to another bed. he has tried to come back to our bed a number of times, but his snoring just isn't better. when we talk about it he seems to always say that he isn't in bed because of ds, but that isn't true. i remind him, but he still seems to block it out. i think the main issue with him not being in the bed is sex. he feels that if he were in the bed he would get sex more. but that just isn't true.

this has gotten really long (sorry!). things are still not perfect by any means. but the one conversation that he seemed to understand was when i compared my job to his (nuclear power). i asked him to assume that i knew enough to do the minimum at his job. if i was at his job working on a task and it was going to take 5 hours, but he knew a way to get it done in 3, he would tell me. he has trained and studied for his job. and so have i. i mentally prepare myself all day every day. i live the experiences and know what works. ds and i are so in tune that i know what he wants and what he needs. so if he is interacting with ds and i know a better way i am going to tell him.

i also mentioned that it is my number one job to protect ds mentally, emotionally and physically. he needs consistancy and predictability. he deserves to get the same treatment from dh as he does from me. dh isn't around all day, and there is no way i can 'give him an update' when he gets home as to all the things we have been through. so as things come up, i have to mention that 'i let him play in that cabinet', or 'it is ok if he climbs on that', etc. it is still hard on dh, but i think he tries to be easygoing about it.

it is great you are in counseling. do you strictly talk about the marraige or does parenting styles come up too?

if you think the cosleeping thing is the straw that could break the camels back, i would certainly compromise. as a pp mentioned, what about a bed for dd in your room? can you move her crib in there? will she even sleep in it (my ds would never from the day he was born sleep in that crib)? what about getting dd to sleep and sneaking out to sleep with your dh (with a monitor of course)?

after all this, i am not sure i have offered anything other then an 'i know how you feel'. hugs to you!

kris
owen, 16 months
edd 10/14

[MonsterBoy]

First off, :Hug !

So we tried the family bed, but with no success.

You don't day why this didn't work... or did you mean the part about him being fraid of rolling over? If the latter, I can understand to a point; I had similar fears with dd1, and even a bit returned when dd2 was small (woke up a LOT, sometimes half-asleep and thinking that she was squished... ::shudder::. Still, a 2-year-old is pretty spry; there's no real reason to fear crushing her, she'll let you know! :)

I can relate all the more now, becase wth dd1 at 4 and dd2 at 1, the bed is pretty crowded now when dd1 wakes up at night and joins us (pretty much every night, at around 4 a.m.); I often found myself then going over to *her* bed on the other side of the room, because I felt squished myself. Dw liked that even less than I did.

So now we've moved the beds together into a "bed-complex" filling one end of the room, and everything is great; dw, dd2 and I actually sleep on only on a matress, so dd2 is still on a different level, and when she joins us it's no big deal if I go to the other bed, or even put dd2 in it and let her sleep alone for a bit.

You could achieve a similar thing by putting the beds in the same room and spacing the beds a little apart (or using the toddler bed idea); have you tried putting your dd in abohter bed nearby recently? Dd1 was around that age when we introduced the idea of her own bed, and she's had varying levels of enthusiasm for it; she's sometimes slept the night in it, but mostly (like now) starts off there and ends up with us.

[lumasmama]

:hugOh Sweetheart. Thanks so much for your honesty. I find it so hard that there aren't very many people talking about how difficult their relationships are now living with a new baby.... My dd's father and I are not married, but close enough, and we are in counseling as well. I've been close to leaving in so often, I can't tell you.... that thing you said about feeling frustrated, disillusioned, disapointed... yes, sadly I often feel the same... The thing that keeps me here is watching my dd's face light up when he comes in a room.... I want her to be able to go to bed and wake up in a house with both her parents.

We, too have very different ways of parenting. Unless it's something that is extremely important to me (like no vaccinations, homemade food, no sugar and tv...etc. ), I choose to do what I do, and let him do what he does. And he does the same for me. For instance, I have one day off a week, where he cares for dd all day.. On that day, he never takes her out of the house, and he makes her take naps, even when it seems to me that she is not tired.... but he does eventually get her to go to sleep... When I care for her, I take her everywhere with me, and I hate trying to make her sleep, except when it's obvious that she is exhausted.... This is his way, I have my way, and they are just different. We accept those differences in each other. It has taken the help of our therapist to get there... so maybe thats something to talk about/ negotiate with someone else "in the room".

Now, for sleeping in particular, he doesn't really like co-sleeping, and for various sleep issues, many of which you list, we also sleep seperately now. One of us sleeps in the bed with dd, the other in a seperate room--our old shared bed. It actually works out pretty well. This way, on the two nights he's in charge of dd all night, he makes the descion to co-sleep, or put her in the crib (he does sometimes co-sleep if she won't sleep in her crib...which is often the case...) On the other 5 nights, when it's my turn, I co-sleep with her... on my two nights off, I get a full nights sleep, and the other nights, we are undisturbed by his snoring, snooze pushing, rolling around (and an over-full bed).

I also didn't think we would co-sleep, but here we are, and I love it. I think theres no way to make any descions about how you're going to care for your baby, until you meet them, live with them, and feel what they need, as individuals. I didn't know this either, until many things we thought we'd do just haven't worked with my very sensitive and stubborn (already at 9 months!) dd.

So this is a very long post, but take heart, know you are not alone, and I think it's fairly common to be struggling with your relationship right now. I have heard most divorces occur in the baby's first two years... NOT that thats where you are headed, just to say that it's a hard, hard time....