never stopping

[launa]

I have a 1.5yr old and he is very very buisy. He is very loud, asertive, distructive and gets into everything over and over again. My husband and I have tried time out, slapping his hands, talking at eye level and removing him and getting him involved in somthing else, just for him to turn around and do it again or get into something else. I am getting very frustrated and tired. I also have a 3yr old daughter and I feel she gets less attention because I am always running after my son. Would like some new suggestions.


Thanks
Launa

[lechepatito]

I would recommend heavy child-proofing, so that everything that he can reach is "okay" for him to touch. Give him lots of outlets for his energy - physical games, playing outside, a really splashy bath with the shower curtain closed, sensory activities like sand, rice, or water play. He sounds like a perfectly normal toddler to me, and the more you can tailor his environment to his developmental needs, the easier it will be for all of you.

Here's a good link with more tips that might help you:
13 Ways to Encourage Toddler Good Behavior (http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060800.asp)

And I'd receommend you check this out:
10 Reasons Not to Hit Your Child (http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T062100.asp#T062101)

[coloradoalice]

Thank you so much for posting those links. I have a sister that spanks and hits/slaps hands. I do not know how to breach the topic, but I really want to send the link to her.

[Fuamami]

Good link, lechepatito!

I agree, childproof all you can. It's unfair to punish him for being a toddler. He can't help it. Time-out is inappropriate at this age, his memory is too short and his self-control to small for it to do anything but anger him and damage your relationship. Hand slapping is inappropriate at all ages.

Can you give us more info about what kind of things he gets into? I take it your three year old was a little less active...I think I'm going to have the same situation. My dd was easy to keep up with, but my ds is already very busy.

[launa]

sarah,

Thank you for responding, I agree slapping his hand is not appropriate and it does not happen often but once is too much I agree. The time out works to get him to stop the behaviour and if he does have to have a time out it only lasts about 20 sec and I am there the whole time. This is why I am asking for help, it all gets to much at times.

You asked for more info on what he does: When I am in the kitchen cooking or cleaning he will get into the dishwasher, I will tell him to close it (there is no lock) and help him and he will open it again this will go on a few times then I will move him and he gets very mad.(I have tried to give him something from the dishwasher [safe] but he will throw it on the floor and gets mad. He will come back right away and get into the drawer and bang it open and closed over and over, I will remove his hand and tell him to stop and he will cry and try again untill I remove him and try and get him interested in something else. He will then cry again and come back now more mad. He will then go to the doors that have locks on them and just bang them over and over again. By this time I am at my end. This can and has gone on for 20min. I know that attention is what he wants but at times I just can't leave the stuff on the stove. We have the same problem with other areas of the house. The day seems non stop as I try to keep him occupied and happy. I know that his persistence and couriosity now will make him a very succesfull person in the furture. I want to embrase and nuture him but at the same time he is very frusturating.

About childproofing, my house is vey child proofed. There are things I can't find ie: lock for our dishwasher, there is no room between the wall and the DW. My husbands game (PS2) we need shelves high enough to keep him from getting into it but that is big $. The lamps in the living room one is broke because he is very courious and persistant.

Yes my daughter was much quieter and very patient most of the time. I have challenges with her as well but I feel it is all typical.

Let me know what you thing,
Launa

[Maiasaura]

i don't know if this will help any.....but maybe he would like being in a backpack while you fix dinner? my ds LOVED that at 1.5yo. maybe your ds is frustrated that he can't see/be into/help with what you are doing.

my ds was the same way. still is, but in a different way, and now he's 5 and it's a LOT easier, in many ways. he has *always* been super high-need, but man, when he was smaller, i thought there would NEVER come an easier day. i thought my only good thing was that at least i was used to it, literally from in utero. i had friends whose kids flip-flopped on them, behavior-wise, at like 2 or 3 years old, and they had no idea what to do about it!

so in this way, i do feel for you having had an easy dd by comparison. spirited kids are HARD. but you will find your unique way of parenting him that you and he can both live with and he will thrive. and you will survive! :)

oh...also....my babyproofing of last resort (and sometimes of first choice, cosmetics be damned) was duct tape. i had to use that on the dishwasher control so my ds wouldn't turn it ON at that age.

the playstation might have to be removed at all times unless DH is in active play. and for the lamps, i might get cruddy ones or give up on those ones while your ds is young. or get some of those clip-on desk lamps and put them up high, till he grows some.

there was another thread about getting a teen or tween as mom's helper some days. is that something you might be willing to look into? someone just to help and play with him while you give your dd one-on-one, or get something done that you need to do uninterrupted.

just some thoughts. hope it helps!!!

pamela

[bellona]

I have three children and all of them were (are in the case of the latest) like this at 1 1/2. It was hard with my first because we lived in a very child unfriendly place and it did take alot of work to make sure he was safe all the time.

I agree that childproofing is the way to go when at all possible. We have a playstation2 and a nintendo64 and I keep these up on top of our vcr or tv. 1.5 is old enough to start understanding that some things (like the dishwasher) are off limits. It just takes alot of patience. I think that timeouts or other puntitive things can make it take alot longer though. My youngest loves buttons and he can reach my computer. He used to love to restart it when I was in the middle of something...and a hundred other times a day. Every time he got in there I just told him that pushing those buttons would mess up the computer and take him out. I would offer alternatives. He had fits at first, but it didn't take long for him to learn (lucky for me...most of the time I was working on homework when the screen went blank :( ). Now he will even play by my feet when I'm using the computer and not touch the button.

If your dc is anything like mine consistency is key. I would figure out what I wanted to say about the dishwasher and try and say it every time. For example "Oh, baby, it's dangerous to play with the dishwasher" and then offer an alternative. He may have fits at first, but they shouldn't last long. I always just say "I know you really wanted to _______ and you're really upset. I'm sorry I can't let you, it's dangerous (or whatever) and I want you to be safe" and offer hugs.

[bellona]

OOPS double post:blush

[Fuamami]

You asked for more info on what he does: When I am in the kitchen cooking or cleaning he will get into the dishwasher, I will tell him to close it (there is no lock) and help him and he will open it again this will go on a few times then I will move him and he gets very mad.(I have tried to give him something from the dishwasher [safe] but he will throw it on the floor and gets mad. He will come back right away and get into the drawer and bang it open and closed over and over, I will remove his hand and tell him to stop and he will cry and try again untill I remove him and try and get him interested in something else. He will then cry again and come back now more mad. He will then go to the doors that have locks on them and just bang them over and over again. By this time I am at my end. This can and has gone on for 20min. I know that attention is what he wants but at times I just can't leave the stuff on the stove.

Sorry I'm just now getting back to this. It sounds like you got some great advice here, a backpack might help during dinner. Another thing that you may have already thought of is having a "special" basket or box of really interesting toys that he can only play with when you really need to do something and will keep him occupied for a certain amount of time.

So here are some "non-practical" ideas. I think someone mentioned that you need to offer alternatives. A toddler this old is not really able to just "stop" that easily, especially when they're persistent, determined little fellow like he sounds to be. So say you have a drawer full of fun, baby acceptable stuff and you see him heading toward the other drawer, or the dishwasher, or maybe you have a drawer-dishwasher? Anyway, before he gets there, you gently guide him toward the other drawer and say, "You may play in here." or "Dishwashers aren't for babies, they're not safe. Look, here's a slinky!" or whatever is in there. If you tell him what he CAN do, instead of focusing on what he's forbidden to do, he'll probably feel less thwarted and angry.

I think one thing that has really helped me, one of the best things I've picked up on this board, is a way of reframing MY perceptions of what's going on. I don't know if I can explain it very well, but it's like instead of thinking,

"She's intentionally testing me," I think

"She wants to do what's acceptable and follow the rules of our family, and she's just making sure she knows exactly what the rule is."

or

"I've got to teach him he can't do that (or get away with that)." I try to think,

"He's having a hard time learning this, maybe he's not quite developmentally ready. I'm sure he'll figure it out eventually."

I think another thing that has helped live more harmoniously with my chilren and really think creatively about various discipline strategies is to eliminate the options of punishment. Actually, I think this was absolutely necessary with my temper. So I decided that there was no way I could slap their hands, spank them, etc., and it really forced me to think, "Well, what WILL I do, then?"

And then, instead of spiralling into stricter and harsher punishments, we've progressed toward more cooperation and less frustration. My friends who started with "gentle taps" or occasional time-outs seem to have gone the other way. I'm not saying that this will happen to you, but it seems like it's more likely if your relationship is frequently adversarial.

[launa]

Thank you everyone for your input. I needed to know that there are other moms and children going through this as well. I love the idea of using a back pack even though my son is close to 30lbs, a little while when very needed will work well. Thank you again.

[Maiasaura]

kelty makes a backpack that holds a child up to.....i think 50lbs?
i can't imagine holding my 43lb, 44" child in one now! but that's cause he's 5 and tall. when he was 30lb it was not that big a deal, for me.
theirs is very well made and distributes the weight on your hips, not your back and shoulders. if you can find one on freecycle, or in your local classified plus-type-paper, all the better!

best of luck to you!

pamela

[annab]

My kitchen looks like some freakish bungee circus. We have bungee cords that keep the dishwasher (no lock here either) tethered to the cabinets. We have a cord that reaches from the handle on the stove over the top and hooks to a space in the back.

I try to put locks on as few cabinets as possible. There is no logic to the layout of our house right now. We put almost all toxins in one cabinet in the bathroom and lock it. We lock one cabinet in the kitchen--booze, breadmaker and crockpot on one side; dishwashing detergent on the other. Everything else is fair game that is floor-level.

We have the locks that run through the handles of the cabinets. If I tighten them all the way, the banging seems muffled.

My husband says that we need a six-feet high shelf all around the house to keep our kids safe. That may not be enough.

[bellona]

I have an Ergo that I love...holds up to 60lbs. When it came my baby was sleeping but I really wanted to try it, so just for kicks I put my 40something lb then 5yo in it. Normally I can't carry him up the stairs even once...I ran up and down the stairs about three times putting laundry away :) My back/shoulders/neck didn't hurt at all and I wasn't even winded. Its easy to use, soft enough to roll up and take with us anywhere, and all my kids love it. The baby is the only one I seriously use it with, but the older two like to be silly and get rides every now and then (at least in there they aren't cutting off my air supply when they're on my back :) )

I got it on ebay for $80, which was alot for me, but I can tell you that it is so worth it.

[jrayn]

I have had this suggestion made to me, tie the lamps to the ceiling with fishing line get one of those screw in hook things for plants for the string to tie onto. I lay all my chairs on the ground, I emptied one cabinet except for the toys that I sometimes throw into it and the other cabinet is full of plastic containers the rest are locked, garbage is in one.
I like the bungee cord ideas.
Make sure the duct tape is out of your dc's reach, mine figured out how to peel it as soon as I applied it.
Put the playstation ontop of the tv get a cordless controller
gate off what you can't remove

I still have a problem with the buttons on the tv I try to block it w/ a large box that has her old baby seat init to keep some weight to it but she can get around it or move it so I have to figure something new to block it off with.

the backpack idea is excellent, if only I could afford one!

[Soundhunter]

Dr. Sears says in his discipline book that he thinks 15-18 months if the most challenging age of all childhood ages for discipline, and woo wee....was that ever true for us. I never wanted to spank, never wanted to be a punisher, but I slapped Emma's hand 3 times in that window, and will regret it for the rest of my life. Since then, she's a joy, an easy kid, there are rough days here and there but never where she does hundreds of crazy things over and over for every moment of the day like during that time frame. It happened over a few idely spaced days in that three months she'd have a day where she'd test over and over, all day, really fast, with no stopping! I always warn parents frazzled with kids at this age not to think that this time in their development indicates a lifelong tendency for manic unruliness, it's just really common for many toddlers to cram as much testiness as any primary caregiver can take in really short periods of time, driving us crazy with stress. (testiness, or whatever is the description others in other gd schools of thought want to call it, but what happens to many toddlers at that age as they search for whatever limits there are and give 500% effort in testing them over and over and over again)

What I learned from then that I think will help me handle the next 15-18 monther I may be lucky enough to have in my life, is to be very conscious of my own stress management. I don't believe there is a disicpline tactic that will make this period of time magically easier for parents of kids who really give it all they've got during this window of time, short of terrifying them with beatings and torture. Slapping Emma's hands did nothing but hurt both of us, yelling the same. I really realized that it was my own short fuse with overwhelming stress that needed work, and I've been working on it ever since. I'm sure not every kid fits this precise 15-18 month stereotype Dr. Sears and I refer to, but for Emma it fit to a t, in her 19th month she chilled out, she still was a normal toddler who's difficult to "coerce" sometimes but not all day repeatedly a dozen times a minute, it's all at pace that is easy to deal with and doesn't throw me into a dangerous stress zone. So my advice, if you're interested, is to learn how to be in control while extremely stressed out, and have hopes that your son will chill out a bit shortly :p

(I have bad carpal tunnel, this post hurt my hands, will not be editing typos)

[Soundhunter]

Oh, screw hand pain for one more comment.

I noticed the ergo mentioned, and gotta say that "time ins" with te sling helped at that age, when I was going nuts cause she was unrelenting, I'd strap her tightly to my back and keep cooking/cleaning and let her down once she calmed down, usually she only complained for a moment, then would rest her head on me and watch what I was doing. I'd let her know once she reached this calmer state that she could go down when she wanted to. The full body contact not only calmed her down, it calmed me down too.

[Fuamami]

kelty makes a backpack that holds a child up to.....i think 50lbs?

Yeah, I have one of these, but if you're going to spend the money, I'd get an Ergo. They sound so cool. My Kelty sticks out so far that it's not really very practical in the kitchen. It's very nice for hikes, but the frame takes up lots of space.

Good post, Soundhunter! Stress management is always a good strategy! I like any solution that focuses on ME!:wink

[abac]

I agree slings are a great idea. If price is an issue, try these.http://www.mamatoto.org/Default.aspx?tabid=148
I've "made" 2 of these for less than $10 each. Check out the rest of the site for video demonstrations. (It's way easier than it looks!)

When you're cooking, could you let your ds help you? My ds helps me with everything (and I mean everything) I do. When I am cooking at the stove, I pull a chair up and give him an empty pot, (maybe put some water in it,) and a wooden spoon so he can cook with me. I use the burners on the other side of the stove (so this wouldn't work if you needed all 4) and am watching him closely the entire time, of course. Add to the fun with some empty spice bottles with some flour or sugar in them so he can shake some into his pot of water and stir. If I need to step away from the stove, say to get something from the fridge, I pick him up, plunk him down in front of the open fridge and ask him to get whatever it is I need.

I always try to think of ways that ds can help, while having him stay as much out of my way as possible. Cleaning is VERY fun for children. My ds sweeps, helps wash dishes, (which really means splashing in the water and getting me soaked,) helps wash the floors and vacuum, and he loves cleaning the toilet.

So while I think the suggestions to distract him and offer alternatives are good ones, I think it would be even better (if maybe a little more work) to have him help you with what you're doing. And just think how much he'll be learning!

[Soundhunter]

So while I think the suggestions to distract him and offer alternatives are good ones, I think it would be even better (if maybe a little more work) to have him help you with what you're doing. And just think how much he'll be learning!

Her son sounds a little like my Emma, a speedy gonzales who moves constantly and quickly. I always try and involve Emma in what I do, but at that age she moved constantly, rarely focused on anything for longer than 3 minutes, and just wanted to get into everything, climb everything, take apart everything, unplug everything, throw everything around, and more, really quckly, all day long. When Emma was in that stage of things, she was incapable if focusing long enough to enjoy helping me with things. For example, giving her a swiffer to sweep with was something she'd love for a few minutes, then she'd start wacking all of our furniture and cupboards and walls, and often cats with it. I wouldn't have dared let her clean the toilet at that age, it would've meant toilet brush & toilet water all over everything throughout the bathroom, and likely house. Closer to two years old, a different story, she was interested in learning to do things properly, she had more of an attention span, she is still a speedy, action packed kid but listens better and is more interested in integrated with our household rythms, as opposed to acting like a tornado destroying everything as quickly as possible.

So, if her son is like Emma was at that age, involving him in helping with household tasks might not work so well for another few months :lol Not to argue with you, just to let you know some kids aren't developmentaly ready for that until a little bit later, no matter what their parents best intentions to involve them may be.

[abac]

For example, giving her a swiffer to sweep with was something she'd love for a few minutes, then she'd start wacking all of our furniture and cupboards and walls, and often cats with it...Closer to two years old, a different story, she was interested in learning to do things properly, she had more of an attention span.Ah, how quickly I forget. Yes, I remember ds swinging the broom around like a wild man. And sure enough, ds is currently 23 months and thinking about it, I'm sure it wasn't as easy to enlist his help 6 months ago. It goes by so quickly, yet that seems like an eternity ago. So it may be some consolation to the OP to know that it will get easier in the near future. Lots of good ideas out there.