need to change

[babygrant]

I am ashamed to post this....but you can't change what you don't acknowledge. I yell at my 2 1/2 year old a lot. I also have a 4 month old at home. DS yells at me, I yell back at him not to yell. It is absolutely rediculous. Some days I just break down and can't stop crying because I don't treat him very nice sometimes. Yesterday DS had a croupe attack....and was having a horrible time breathing. Him and I sat together until my husband got home from work to bring him to the hospital. I just cried because he was yelling before bed, so I read him one quick book and put him to bed. I didn't even take the time to make it an enjoyable bedtime. I just feel horrible :( I went to the library today to look for some of the books mentioned here...but they had none of them and right now I can't afford to buy a book. I just don't know where to start. My parents yelled at me and I remember being SO scared. I do NOT want my kids growing up with a mom like that (I love my mom, just hated the yelling). Not sure where I"m going with this post.....

[mamaginabean]

I don't have any words of wisdom, as I am pregnant with my first and haven't actually gotten to put my "research" into practice. But I have to say.....realizing and admitting to the problem is the first step to fixing it, so congratulations on that. Hugs to you:hug

[MPsSweetie]

(((hugs))) I know how you feel. I sometimes do the same thing, and then I hate myself afterwards.

[georgia]

I wanted to offer you a :hug Please go gentle on yourself. Knowing what you don't want to do is a start. Can you make a list of things you can do the next time you start feeling upset INSTEAD of yelling?? Can you change gears? Get silly? Whisper? Start singing? Lalalala, mommy's going crazy here.....Talking like a cartoon character? Anything to reframe things....that can really help me sometimes. Or, acknowlege that you're upset....and instead of yelling AT someone, just yell! Mommy feels really upset when there are toys everywhere and she can't find anything to eat!!!! I'm hungry and tired. Hmm, what can we do about that? Let's xyz.....or whatever :)

I think my youngest two are about the same age span as yours. It's so hard, especially when there's exhaustion/illness involved. I hope your little one is doing better!!! And, the next time you yell, apologize, and forgive yourself, too. It's a learning process. It takes awhile to break old patterns, that's for sure.

:hug

[Think of Winter]

:hug I'm going to be in your position soon enough, and I am already going nuts with just one to look after. You're in the right place for lots of new ideas about being gentle. Like Georgia said, be gentle with yourself, too. Is there any way for you to do something good for yourself? It's so hard to be there 100% for our kids when we're emotionally and/or physically drained. Take care and best wishes.

[sunnysideup]

I found a web site with some good articles (empathetic discipline (http://www.empathic-discipline.com/index_articles.htm)). I'm sorry I don't have time to post more, but I thought that might be helpful to you. :hug

[MommyTo3]

This sounds so simplistic, but it worked for me and is cheap. I have two sons, 6 and 3 (almost four). I am under a lot of stress (no excuse). I was yelling at them WAY TOO MUCH and MEANLY, and they did not deserve it. Finally I took a pen and wrote "no yell" on the back of my hand. It takes days for it to wear off, and I feel silly, but got mostly out of the habit of yelling. Next time, my older one alerted me when I yelled, and I apologized and wrote the thing on my hand again.

I feel so much better and in control...

Good luck!!

Andrea

[AidansMommy1012]

I know how you feel. I grew up in a house with a lot of yelling, and I always knew that it wasn't something I wanted to do when I had kids. However, it's so hard when it's the only thing you know. DH knows about my issues with yelling, and provides a reminder and support when I start getting close, but he's not always home. One thing that has worked for me is giving myself a time out. I step into another room for a minute and just breathe until I have myself under control again. I also really like the idea of writing it on your hand. It's simple, but if it works, it works!

Next time you yell, just apologize and try again.

[sassafras12]

I found a web site with some good articles (empathetic discipline (http://www.empathic-discipline.com/index_articles.htm)). I'm sorry I don't have time to post more, but I thought that might be helpful to you. :hug


WOW!!! I checked out the site and I love it! Some of those articles put into words EXACTLY how I feel!!!

Thanks for the link!!!!:thumb

[sunanthem]

Go easy on yourself, we all yell at some point, especially with 2 and 3 year olds, I think. I have a 3 year old boy and man do I yell. I'm trying to find different ways of disciplining, thats why I'm looking here, but most moms do yell. Remember we have feelings too! Its alright to tell your kids you are angry with them and dont like what they are doing... just like they are entiltled to their angry feelings. We may act like it, but we are not buddhas and this job of mothering can be a real button pusher at times. Just relax mom, we are all learning on the job- you are doing your best and that is so wonderful fdor your child! Good luck with everything... and also sometimes screaming into a pillow or a walk or shutting yourself into the bathroom for a few minutes can take off that edge when you think you are going to lose it.
Good luck with your parenting journey!

[mommyoftwo]

Could you be dealing with PPD? You don't have to feel depressed-it can show itself as anger or frustration. Can you go to your midwife or doctor and talk to him/her about the possibility? The crying is a symptom so is the guilt. I think if you go to the PPD forum there is a survey they you can take.

You could also try to increase your vitamin D (either by getting outside in the sunshine or by pill form if sun isn't a possibility). Fish oil or flax oil seems to do wonders for my mood.

Be easy on yourself. It is a stressful time for you right now. I had my babies two years apart and it is a difficult adjustment. I just wanted to offer the possibility of a different perspective especially if you didn't find yourself loosing your temper before you had your second child.

[babygrant]

well i believe i do have ppd. i posted before on mdc about it. i dont want to go to the dr cause i do not want meds...last time i was on prozzac it messed me up. i never thought anger was part of it. on that test i scored a 65.
Less than 40 =MILD adjustment difficulties;
41-69 =MODERATE-SEVERE Depression and Anxiety
70+ =SEVERE DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY

i go to the dr monday for a canker sore problem so maybe i'll ask then.

[faithnj]

I don't usually do this, because I prefer advice to condolences, but let me say {{{{hugs to you.}}}}} I really feel for you.

Now, as for the advice:
Please understand that this is what works for me. Feel free to take or leave my advice.

I'm a big believer in stopping the action or intention that comes BEFORE the unwanted action happens. In other words, for example, I keep reading about mom's who say their kids run away in the stores. I wouldn't stop a child at the running. I'd stop them at the getting their butts up out of the cart. So in your case, I wouldn't stop the yelling. I'd stop the action or feeling that comes BEFORE the yelling. Now......


I find I don't yell anymore, and I really had to think, think, think, to figure out how this came about. My guess is it came about when I decided to say "no" only half the time I really wanted to. To make that happen, you have to watch your child doing something you really would prefer them not to be doing, think about the action, decide whether they are endangering themselves or ruining an item or if you are allowing a bad precident to be set. After all that thinking-- whether you say no or say nothing, you will find you get in the habit of taking a real pause and your emotions will be much more in your control. I'm sure to my husband and my family, I look like a lacksidasical mother, just watching my DD chew on this or that. But in fact, in my silence, I'm thinking "Is this worth it?" I had no idea that the pause before the decision would not only lead to fewer no's. It would practically eliminate the need for yelling-- except if there was a serious danger that required swift action. The other benefit is I never feel bad about saying no, and I follow through with action if necessary. And yet another benefit is that when I say "no," my daughter listens, almost always obeys, and does not cry about it. (However, when my senile grandmother says "no", my DD ignores her or runs from her. Grandmother is sweet, but she says "no" all...day....long.)


Using this strategy does not work overnight. (Nothing will.) You have to build this into a habit. But if you believe in it, it will happen for your over time. And it will probably happen sooner than you expect.

Now I realize that you have a 2 year old-- so you may have to say "no" more often than I have to say it to my 14 month old who likes to put everything in her mouth. But still-- it's worth a try, even if you only reduce your "no's" by 1/4 or 1/3.

Last but not least, in the last two days I've been doing a "Please" experiment. I realized that I don't say please nearly as much as I should. And if I don't model it, how will my DD learn it? So I've made a point to say "please." I'm surprised at how much more compassionate I feel when I use that word. I'm sure I sound much more compassionate as well. But when I say please, understand that I'm being polite, not begging. For example, if I tell my DD to "Please give me the scissors," you better believe I will be taking the scissors from her- whether she hands them over or not.

Best wishes,

Faith

[katallen]

If you go onto La Leche League's website you can get articles on discipline on the web including some on dealing with anger.