Introducing Children...

[ExuberantDaffodil]

I've been seeing someone :o for a few months now (talking since August), and we are taking things very slowly because of past relationship mistakes and children being involved.

This man has already met my almost two year old ds (the two get along fabulously! :) ) but we both agree that we need to wait a while before I meet his 7 year old daughter. His daughter has never seen him with any other woman but her mother, and we want to take her readiness into consideration when taking this huge step forward. His plan is to start mentioning me "I have a friend..." until she gets used to the idea, and then set up some kind of activity for when we meet (i.e. he lives by a little theme park that she enjoys going to).

What I'm wondering is, when the time comes for us to meet, would it be better for her to meet me and my son together, or would it be better to introduce one person at a time...?

On a side note, this man is a terrific guy. He adores his daugher whom he sees regularly, loves kids (wants like five... :blush ), and is fully enthusiastic and supportive of my natural lifestyle, including extended breastfeeding! The guy even regularly asks me about benefits of breastmilk, and never bats an eye when I nurse my toddler (not even the first time he saw me do it!). He's hardworking, ethical, and genuinely compasionate. What's more is I have never, ever heard him complain about paying child support; in fact, he regularly slips his exw extra money for his daughter. He is pretty disgusted over the fact that I had to fight my X tooth and nail for c/s and that DS's dad hasn't seen him since the beginning of December ("How can a dad DO that?!?! I can't go TWO DAYS without seeing my daughter!!").

Despite the excitement of a new relationship (I've been single since DS's dad and I broke up over two years ago when I was 12 weeks pg), this man and I are dedicated to taking things slowly and making our children a priority.

Any advice on easing children into a new relationship would be helpful.

[Kierdan'sMom]

Well can't say as I have any good advice on the subect since the BF has known DS since he was born and on our second date DS named him "Daddy" :innocent BUt I just wanted to say congrats!! And how are things going with the X??

[MsChatsAlot]

My first thought was that she might find you less of a threat with your child there too.

However, she could also see how her dad interacts with your child and realize she may be a bit of the 'odd man out.'

Tricky, but I think my first instinct was for her to meet both of you someplace like a park or something, where she can meet you, but you would also have to be off helping your little one and not all focused on the fact that you are there to get to know each other.

[ExuberantDaffodil]

Thanks for asking!
I haven't heard from X since the summons. I call my lawyer every two weeks (per his suggestion) but my lawyer hasn't heard anything from X's lawyer ever since we answered the summons. Back in December, I emailed X three times asking if he was at all interested in seeing Ds while the "court process took its course" and offering to let him see ds on Christmas day. X never responded to any of my emails. I stopped trying to chase him down...

[woobysma]

hmmm.... it was easier for me and dbf because his son and his neices are the same age as my oldest son, so we did a "pool party" the first time we all met and the kids played and it was very low-key.

I will say that I'd be careful with your bf and your 2 yo in front of his dd, as a pp said. Bf's ds was fine with my oldest (for the most part), but the first time his dad started cuddling and loving on my 1 yo, we could all tell that it made ds uncomfortable :o

I'd meet as a group, but make sure bf's dd gets lots of attention from her dad.
:wink Good luck, this is a huge step, IMO.

[morgainesmama]

If it were me, and he's mentioning you casually for a while, then the meeting might also be casual -- for example, in the park example, he might say, "Hey, I was thinking of going to the playground later." "Oh, cool." "Yeah ... you might meet my friend; she was thinking about going there with her little one also."

I think both at once actually is less assimilation -- then she sees you as a mama, absorbs who you are and your family is all at once. I am assuming the meeting will be casual, and you will hold the "Friend" role for at least the first meeting or few? Then, by the time she starts assimilating you into her schema of her life, she'll assimilate the both of you. If there's not a big deal made of it at first, I don't think she'd feel too threatened by your little one. Most 7yo's aren't looking for much adult interaction at the playground, at least that's been my experience.

I don't know if that makes sense? Just my thoughts though.

I'm glad things are going so well. Your kids are so lucky you're both so thoughtful of their needs.

[Raynbow]

I'm GREEN with envy! :)
I'd recommend just YOU first time meeting her - that way you can concentrate on her and her subtle reactions - not just the dramatic ones. Get to know her that first meeting, then bring your son the next time. Make sure you do mention him, but don't focus on the subject of your child - don't want to surprise her, but you also don't want to have her walk away thinking, "Geez, all she's interested in is HER son!" :) Good luck!

[trinity6232000]

If I was in the same situation (haven't dated anybody with children....
yet) I would be more comfortable with both children present. Making
it more friends than this is my friend.
I don't know if that made sense. I guess it allows his daughter to
warm up to the idea that you are more than a friend. I would make
the meeting all about the kids. Find a activity that both would really
enjoy.