Ltlfaery
03-19-2006, 03:28 PM
I posted early Feb. (advise, have you been through this?)
Since then, I have indeed separated.
Things seemed to be better for a while. I spoke with ex about my feelings on a lot of things, he even agreed that future male children (if any) wouldn't be circ'ed to respect my feelings on the matter.
However, a couple of weeks later we had another fight. The reason we started figthing is unimportant. He admits he had just been picking fights because he was very unhappy.
He doesn't like coming home, "dealing" with us, "putting up" with me, etc. I should just be normal, mainstream, and then it would all be ok for him. I should vax, circ, spank, and baby train. I make the "wrong" choices all the time, and it stresses him out. I should just LISTEN to him, and go by his (much uninformed -do as other do-) ways. That my ideas to be a doula, and a midwife were just insane, that he couldn't accept them and I should just "grow up" and live in the "real world". I also should NEVER ask him for help with his daughter, he goes to work (ya know) and shouldn't have to help at home. That is "my job", and since he doesn't ask for help with his, I shouldn't ask for help with mine....He wants to come home and "relax", watch tv, play video games....not interact with his family. That is just stressful.
Hearing him say how much he dislikes coming home, and how stressful it is for him to "deal" with us, hurt me much. Here I was, trying to make it all work, and it felt like a slap in the face.
I sat on the floor crying, and I felt as low as I have felt in a very very loooooong time (my parent's separation). The thought crossed my head that perhaps cutting my sking (i did so as a teen) would make me feel better. And at that moment I KNEW. I knew I had to leave. I knew I had to get out, and I couldn't become that king of person. I don't want to be that kind of mother. I don't want to feel that low, that depressed, that bad about myself.
That night I gathered my strength, my courage, and with an aching heart, I asked him to take me to my parents house.
I've been here since. A month now.
I feel more free just to be. But it is still hard.
Ex and I have been 'talking', even gone out to dinner, but not getting much anywhere. We can discuss the weather, his school, his work....but that's about it. When it comes to what we want, things are very very different. I can't quite do as he wants me to, and viceversa. Last time we went out to dinner, I was eager to come home. I had had, in a few hours, enough negative attitude, I was feeling opressed in a way.
We both say we have some feelings for eachother, but the more I think about it, I have feelings for the person I WANT HIM TO BE, and same for him regarding me.
I'm not mainstream, and I can't be. I can't make the choices he wants me to. I can't live a life the way he wants me to. He admits he really can't accept who I "have become" and what Iwant in life.
I want someone who respects me, who cherishes me and supports me. Who takes into consideration what I say, and not just writes it off as "crazy ideas of the tree hugger".
He wants a wife that's got her own life does her own thing, doesn't need to be told she's loved, doesn't ask for help, and strives for material things in life. The bigger house, the better car, more money....and well, has a totally different parenting philosophy. THough he doesn't want any more children either.
We both agree that eventhough we 'miss' eachother sometimes, we are indeed, better off like this.
But that of course, doesn't make it easier when I see happy families out at the park....
However, I am starting to envision life with my daughter. What I want for US, how I will acheive it etc. and it makes me feel....happy. though it is still scary sometimes.
Thank you to all who repplied to my original message! It seems indeed, I am not a member of this forum, and that is ok.
Since then, I have indeed separated.
Things seemed to be better for a while. I spoke with ex about my feelings on a lot of things, he even agreed that future male children (if any) wouldn't be circ'ed to respect my feelings on the matter.
However, a couple of weeks later we had another fight. The reason we started figthing is unimportant. He admits he had just been picking fights because he was very unhappy.
He doesn't like coming home, "dealing" with us, "putting up" with me, etc. I should just be normal, mainstream, and then it would all be ok for him. I should vax, circ, spank, and baby train. I make the "wrong" choices all the time, and it stresses him out. I should just LISTEN to him, and go by his (much uninformed -do as other do-) ways. That my ideas to be a doula, and a midwife were just insane, that he couldn't accept them and I should just "grow up" and live in the "real world". I also should NEVER ask him for help with his daughter, he goes to work (ya know) and shouldn't have to help at home. That is "my job", and since he doesn't ask for help with his, I shouldn't ask for help with mine....He wants to come home and "relax", watch tv, play video games....not interact with his family. That is just stressful.
Hearing him say how much he dislikes coming home, and how stressful it is for him to "deal" with us, hurt me much. Here I was, trying to make it all work, and it felt like a slap in the face.
I sat on the floor crying, and I felt as low as I have felt in a very very loooooong time (my parent's separation). The thought crossed my head that perhaps cutting my sking (i did so as a teen) would make me feel better. And at that moment I KNEW. I knew I had to leave. I knew I had to get out, and I couldn't become that king of person. I don't want to be that kind of mother. I don't want to feel that low, that depressed, that bad about myself.
That night I gathered my strength, my courage, and with an aching heart, I asked him to take me to my parents house.
I've been here since. A month now.
I feel more free just to be. But it is still hard.
Ex and I have been 'talking', even gone out to dinner, but not getting much anywhere. We can discuss the weather, his school, his work....but that's about it. When it comes to what we want, things are very very different. I can't quite do as he wants me to, and viceversa. Last time we went out to dinner, I was eager to come home. I had had, in a few hours, enough negative attitude, I was feeling opressed in a way.
We both say we have some feelings for eachother, but the more I think about it, I have feelings for the person I WANT HIM TO BE, and same for him regarding me.
I'm not mainstream, and I can't be. I can't make the choices he wants me to. I can't live a life the way he wants me to. He admits he really can't accept who I "have become" and what Iwant in life.
I want someone who respects me, who cherishes me and supports me. Who takes into consideration what I say, and not just writes it off as "crazy ideas of the tree hugger".
He wants a wife that's got her own life does her own thing, doesn't need to be told she's loved, doesn't ask for help, and strives for material things in life. The bigger house, the better car, more money....and well, has a totally different parenting philosophy. THough he doesn't want any more children either.
We both agree that eventhough we 'miss' eachother sometimes, we are indeed, better off like this.
But that of course, doesn't make it easier when I see happy families out at the park....
However, I am starting to envision life with my daughter. What I want for US, how I will acheive it etc. and it makes me feel....happy. though it is still scary sometimes.
Thank you to all who repplied to my original message! It seems indeed, I am not a member of this forum, and that is ok.