Freaked out about something somebody said to me.

[chrissy]

A mom of a little boy in my son's preschool class said this to me, about my loss:
"Well, you know, they say that God or the universe never gives you more than you can handle. Maybe something is going to come up and you'll see that it really wasn't a good time for a baby."

What the hell? So that means either (1) some terrible tragedy is going to strike that will make me thankful that i didn't have a sweet baby that i had planned for and wanted, or (2) i would be a sucky mom to 3 and i couldn't handle it so God decided to take my baby so i wouldn't screw everything up.

At first i just shook it off, like, that poor woman put her foot in her mouth and she probably feels like a moron. But now I can't stop thinking about it and wondering if she was right and what horrible thing is about to happen or if i really would suck as a mom to 3.

I don't even know why I'm putting this out here. I know she isn't a prophet or anything like that, but it just upset me and I'm sad and thinking about it tonight.

I know you all can probably understand.

[tiffany21074]

I am sorry you had to hear that. If she knew how that sounded, she probably wouldn't have said that. You would have been a wonderful mother to a 4th child. I would chalk it up to just like you said, putting her foot in her mouth.

[Mom4tot]

(((Chrissy))) What a terrible thing to say. I'm sorry for your loss.

When I read it, it sounded like she may have meant some "wonderful oppurtunity", not a tragedy coming. You know, like some people see kids as "getting in the way" or hindering our lives.

That's just the way I read it. People say thoughtless stuff because they feel inadequate and uncomfortable with feelings.

[mama4gals]

Chrissy, I think that often people say things that are meant to be comforting, or meant to give you some kind of answers, but they don't realize that those things can be hurtful. I have no idea what was on this woman's mind bc I don't know her, but I'm guessing she really meant to be kind, it just didn't strike you that way. I happen to be one of those people who believe that while bad things can and do happen to good people, we can choose how we respond to those things. We can turn angry or bitter or afraid to ever try again. Or we can try to take the pain and find some good from it. I know that after my 1st m/c at 13 wks, I was devastated. But I tried to comfort myself by looking at it in a different light. Of course I never wanted to m/c, but I did have a very demanding nursing 9 month old who never slept. I knew it would have been very difficult to be pg and have a newborn, w/ such a small one, plus my 3 older girls. And w/ this 4th m/c in Sept at 8 wks, looking back I can see how difficult it would have been to be pg at that time. My mom was dying, and did die in Nov, and I was grateful to be able to be there for her and for my dad, and I might not have been able to if I was pg.

I do think that when the pain of a loss is new and fresh, people shouldn't try to comfort you w/ explanations or theology. They shouldn't try to make sense of it. They should just be there for you, and let you grieve. Of course you would be a wonderful mother to three, and I hope you will be able to have another one. I'm sorry about your little one, mama. I wish you peace.

Liz

[trini]

I am sorry her comment, which was probably meant with the best of intentions, made you feel bad. It is so hard to know what to say to someone who is grieving.

I don't recall if anyone said to me "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" when my ds was stillborn at 38 weeks, but I told MYSELF that many times. I was not there to hear the comment, but my guess was that she meant it more like you will be strong enough to handle the grief, not that you "couldn't handle" parenting another child. Does that make sense? Obviously she didn't say it well if that is what she meant...

However, I find the second half of her comment EXTREMELY insensitive.

Here's a :hug for you.

[dziejen]

Chrissy,
In the past few months I have learned people sometimes don't know what to say or they think their comments are helpful or comforting when really they are not. Several times I have gone home screaming and crying over something so stupid someone has said about the loss of our daughter. That woman was probably trying to say something nice or to even make sense of this in her own mind but it is still hurtful just the same. That's why I like coming to MDC -- people here really understand. Sorry you are going through such a sad time :hug

[honeybeedreams]

people say foolish things when there is a loss. they have no idea how they would deal, so they just say whatever silly words happen to be on their tongue. imagine if you said something like that to lost and older child. people would tell you you are nuts.

i posted on one of my earth mamas groups about my loss and one young mom said "everything happens for a reason, there was probably something wrong with the baby." and "you can always try again." WTF??

instead of going off on her, i wanted to educate her about how to help someone who has had a loss, so i explained that not all people share the same spiritual beliefs. not everyone believes in a god that controls everything that happens and some believe in a universe where random things happen. and that's it's condecending to think everyne believes the same thing she does. and number TWO, i DO NOT want ANOTHER BABY, i want THIS BABY! i asked her if her spouse died, would she run out and get another? :angry

i sent her the link to the sticky on this forum about to say and not say. chrissy, may you can print it out and give it to the mom and say how hurt you felt by what she said to you. (so she won't say it again to someone else)

i have compassion for people who say these things, because it is motivated by a desire to help, but i think part of being a grown up is being able to stop and listen to what you are saying and decide if it's really helpful or not. (before the words leave your mouth)

:grouphug

hang in there mama.

[mom2mimi]

Unfortunately people in trying to help are only hurting us more. Even more unfortunate, we will always know just what to say or do if this happens to someone we know, we are all members of this awful club now. I finally had to venture out last week to pick my daughter up from school. As I was walking towards the school one of her classmates moms saw me and was so amazed that I didn't even look pregnant. Obviously I had to tell her why and the only thing she could think to say was how it almost happened with her last child but thank god it didn't. That has been the worst comment so far, how could I even respond to it. Yes, thank god your baby was spared and mine wasn't. I guess she was trying to empathize with me or something, I don't know.

[trini]

Unfortunately people in trying to help are only hurting us more. Even more unfortunate, we will always know just what to say or do if this happens to someone we know, we are all members of this awful club now. I finally had to venture out last week to pick my daughter up from school. As I was walking towards the school one of her classmates moms saw me and was so amazed that I didn't even look pregnant. Obviously I had to tell her why and the only thing she could think to say was how it almost happened with her last child but thank god it didn't. That has been the worst comment so far, how could I even respond to it. Yes, thank god your baby was spared and mine wasn't. I guess she was trying to empathize with me or something, I don't know.

:irked: I know just what you mean. My MIL made a similar comment about how her 3rd son was born with the cord around his neck. Well, he is now a 30-something grown man. My son died. I can hardly see the comparison.

I also have to say that while I can unfortunately relate to my dear friend who recently lost her ds, I don't always know "just what to say." It is just such a difficult situation no matter how you look at it...

[lrlittle]

i think some people just don't know what to say. and they are thinking too much of themselves and 'saying the right thing' then they are of just being there for you and empathizing. we ought to realize that NOTHING we can SAY will actually make the situation better, but that we need to just be there for the person and love them through it.

so sorry you had to experience that!

[mom2mimi]

:irked: I know just what you mean. My MIL made a similar comment about how her 3rd son was born with the cord around his neck. Well, he is now a 30-something grown man. My son died. I can hardly see the comparison.

I also have to say that while I can unfortunately relate to my dear friend who recently lost her ds, I don't always know "just what to say." It is just such a difficult situation no matter how you look at it...


I guess more what I meant was we definitely know what not to say! I don't think there is a definite right thing to say, and my family has made many comments about it being because something was wrong and stuff like that. It didn't offend me or upset me in the least, because what they were doing was showing me compassion and trying to show me they cared. It wasn't about the words but instead the feelings behind them, I guess.

[BethanyB]

In my experience, the people that say the dumbest things are the ones that can't relate in any way. I wish these people just stopped at "I'm sorry for your loss" and left it at that!

[chrissy]

thank you mamas. :hug :love

[theboysmama]

Chrissy - i wanted to respond bcs i had a similar thing happen. I had 2 healthy boys and we want a 3rd child. I had a m/c and 5 months later had a second m/c. After the 2nd a woman said maybe god is trying to tellyou to stop at 2. If that was the case then i wouldn't have had these last pg. Part of me is scared that she could be right and i won't have another. But most of me knows that she just felt she had to say somethin.
The best thing that people have said to me is i am so sorry for your loss and i don't know what to say.
I am so sorry about the loss of your sweet baby and that you have to deaL W/ dumb comments also. If you think you will be a good mom to 3 then you will!!!!

[dziejen]

i posted on one of my earth mamas groups about my loss and one young mom said "everything happens for a reason, there was probably something wrong with the baby." and "you can always try again." WTF??

instead of going off on her, i wanted to educate her about how to help someone who has had a loss, so i explained that not all people share the same spiritual beliefs. not everyone believes in a god that controls everything that happens and some believe in a universe where random things happen. and that's it's condecending to think everyne believes the same thing she does. and number TWO, i DO NOT want ANOTHER BABY, i want THIS BABY! i asked her if her spouse died, would she run out and get another? :angry



I posted in this thread Monday and then Tuesday when I went out to the grocery store and someone said almost the same thing to me as they said to honeybeedreams. This woman I barely know told me "God does things for a reason" and "You can have another baby". And she was so certain. And my response also was WTF?!?! but I unfortunately was unable to handle it as well -- I spent my last 5 minutes in the store with my dd trying not to cry because who wants to explain why you are crying in the checkout. When dh got home and asked me how my day was, I started bawling. I guess it made me realize that even after 5 months it still really stinks when people are so insensitive. :hugs to you all.

[Barcino]

I really hate how people seem to think what God is thinking?
Funny because the Bible says nothing about giving sorry advice and a lot about comforting those who grieve by doing practical things and crying with them.

Ugh!

[busybusymomma]

I'm sorry someone said that to you. I really don't understand what goes through people's minds. They feel like they have to say something but the worst crap comes out of their mouths.

When my 14mo brother died, a very nice old lady told my mom that maybe he died because he was going to grow up to be an axe murderer or something. :confused: :dropjaw :hammer Not in the least a comforting thought.

Many hugs to you. :hug :candle

[Ruthla]

Ugh! Why can't people just say "I'm sorry for your loss" and leave it at that?

[mamaroni]

chrissy, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss. :hug

[Adensmommy]

sorry people have to say such mean things. Id like to say she meant well but people who say crappy things like that dont even think before they speak.


(((((hugs))))):love

[ChristineIndy]

Chrissy - :hug, mama

I wish I could say something to just erase her insensitive comment, but I know I can't. You're hurting, you miss your baby, and some people just refuse to get that. Be extra-gentle with yourself - you need to make up for the people who aren't as gentle with you as they should be.

:hug again. I'm thinking of you.

Christine

[chrissy]

thank you all for your kind, understanding words and support. it really means so much.

busybusymomma, that is absolutely horrible! i cannot believe that anybody would say such a thing. :hug

i don't think this woman meant any harm, but man did she cause some. i can't get the thought out of my head, but i'm working on it.

thanks again mamas. :hug