Should I Wait to Decide or?? Really need some input

[Outofmymindyo]

Ok so DH and I have been having a semi discussion about what to do for birth control after Jayda is born, but since I'm not sure whether I really want to only have one I'm afraid to really decide on anything permanent.

I have a lot of my own personal reasons on why I would only like one child, but then I have reasons for also wanting more later down the road. I absolutely will not go back on Depo due to the fact that the entire 5 years I was on it before getting off to conceive Jayda NOBODY in the medical world told me that it could cause fertility problems for users. I'm not sure I want to go on hormonal BC at all because even DH can see a difference in my mental and physical self when I'm not on them...and the difference is always for the better when I'm not on them.

Anyway, we had been tossing around the idea of a vasectomy because he's 100% comfortable only having one child, seeing as he was one of 5 children. I was one of two. I loved how much time my brother and I spent together as kids and teenagers, but I also do not plan on having another child (if I decided to) for at LEAST 3 years after she is born...me and my brother were only 18 months apart. I don't want to deprive her of the possibility of having a younger brother or sister and they adore each other, but I also can see exactly why it's nice to have only one, such as they get attention when they need it. As a teen I was often put on the back burner due to my mom trying to deal with my brother who LOVED to get in trouble with the law. It left me feeling bitter about those years and I've always had this deep-down jealousy whenever ANYONE has made me feel less important than him even after those years, but mostly because while he was voluntarily ruining his life, my life was being shut down by those who didn't quite feel it was necessary to get me real psychological help at that age.

Anyway...I just am not sure what I want later in life. I am SO open to the option of adoption once DH is out of the military (only have 3 years left, by then we're still under 30) but I'm just afraid that my husband looks at adoption as something that's easy and always works out for a family, but I know better. I know that there can be problems during adoption and that families can be literally torn apart by the process.

Anyway...if anyone has any stories or feelings they can share that might be able to think of other ideas that we haven't contemplated yet I would REALLY appreciate it. I think I just need another perspective on the entire discussion to give some fresh light to it.

Thanks to all those that respond and share.

[Lousli]

I've heard the Mirena IUD is really low dose hormones, so it doesn't have the same effect as the pill. It works for 5 years, I believe. That might be an option for you. I would really not do something permanent until you are sure. My dh and I are 99.9% sure we're done, and we're still not getting a vas until the baby is 4 or 5. We just want to be 100% sure before we do something that is hard to undo. Plus, adoption may be an option for you, but it is a long involved process, and can be expensive, so you might want to find out more about it.

[maybebaby]

If *either* of you have any doubts about being done (like you do) then I wouldn't do anything permanent either.

I definitely wouldn't do anything until this baby is around a year old or so. Seeing as your dh has never been a dad before, minds can change! (Coming from a large family of 9, I always said I'd never have kids, but then here I am having number 4 :love That first one sometimes changes your mind on things :wink )

What about using FAM? Temping and everything can sound daunting, but once you get a few cycles in you really get in tune with your body.

Good luck whatever you decide!!

[ellymay]

I as well will never take the depo again bc I had really bad side effects of it
and when I got back on reg. BC the s/e didn't go away so I won't take horomonal bc pills either and this is our last one but I refuse to do anything
permanent and dh is to big a wuss to get a visectamy so I am going to be
using a diaphram again and that worked well for me it was easy to use and
I didn't even feel it and beats condoms any day.

[busybusymomma]

I agree... wait to do anything permanent. My parents were 100% sure they were done with #3 and my mom had a tubal the next day but when my youngest brother died in infancy they mourned the fact that not only was their baby gone but there would never be any more babies for them. Not that he could be replaced in any way, shape or form, but you KWIM.

So take my advice with a grain of salt because it's obviously a charged subject for me. :wink I would recommend waiting a year before doing anything permanent, in the meantime you could use barrier methods.

I'd like to use a diaphragm, but since my pH levels are easily thrown off just using soap on my parts I don't think I could use anything that has to be left in for hours afterwards so we're stuck using a certain brand of condoms that don't make me itch. :eyesroll

[Bellasmom]

busybusymama - I used a diaphragm between dd and this pregnancy, and I too am prone to nastiness if I use any chemicals in my vagina. I used an aloe gel and lemon juice spermicide (acidic pH, like the vagina) and had no problems. I made the spermicide myself according to a protocol tested by a british gyno. He is the medical advisor for a yahoo group "diaphragms and caps". In addition to the aloe/lemon recipe many members of the group favor a commercially available (but only from Europe) lactic acid spermicide. Both are natural and have none of the harsh N-9 spermicides.
It might be something to consider.
Angela

[jenmk]

I'd wait to decide until you're absolutely 100% certain that you do not want any more children.

One other thought . . . I know a lot of people who have only one child and are very happy with that. But I also know some adult single children who, when their parents died, didn't have any family left who knew them all their lives. It's kinda comforting to know you'll have a sibling or two when your parents are gone, IMO. That is one reason I wanted to have more than one child, personally.

Good luck on whatever you decide! And congrats on Jayda! What a cool name.

[busybusymomma]

Angela- I've considered that (was it you who sent me in the direction of the yahoogroup where that recipe is posted?). I'm not going to be insured for awhile I don't think (darn premiums are too expensive! :o) so I'm nervous about paying to be fitted and then finding it doesn't work out for me. :scratch I don't think insertion would be any difficulty since I'm used to using the Mooncup and checking my cervix etc. I'm just concerned about the itchies. I know I can't use spermicide, it would have to be the homemade version.

<sigh> Sometimes I wish we were quiverfull just so I didn't have to think about it! LOL

[cicerosum]

I'm not big on hormonal b/c either.

Try charting, using it in conjunction with a diaphragm? We were going to do that until we decided on the vasectomy. But we are SURE we're done. I wouldn't go that way if you even have the *tiniest* doubt. We thought 3 was it, but DH decided he wanted another one...

[JuicyPakwan]

Bellasmom-I would love the recipe for that could you point out the website it is on? BC has been on my mind as well. Can't use condoms (Yuck). But have used Diaghram successfully betweent 2&3 and 3&4. But the spermicide was starting to bug me just before we ttc this one. We use it in conjunction with charting when I get my cycles back so not 100% use but was 100% effective for us.

[saritabeth]

I completely hear you. We are having our second and may be done. I want to wait *at least* a year, maybe two. The IUD thing has pros and cons but it can be removed at any time with no supposed impact on fertility. I am thinking of going that route myself once AF returns after this babe. I haven't had great luck with the charting myself, but I have friends who have had great success with it.

You are having a new baby. Your life is changing so much. I, personally, believe you need to give yourself a lot of time before doing something permanent. My DH was ready for the vasc. 2 weeks after dd was born! It is just his personality and how he reacts to the hardness of the demands of a new baby. We have decided not to make any real decisions for 1 yr +. You want to give yourself all the time in the world to make a rational non emotional decision about this...besides you are really young!!

Good luck, I know what a hard decision it is to make.

[Mamabeakley]

There is also the fact that if you breastfeed ecologically (co-sleep, no paci, no bottles) your chances of resuming cycles and/or concieving before resuming cycles is VERY low before your baby is 6 months old. I don't have the info here with me, but the details are out there (on-line? LLL books?) That would give you some time to think about what you really want without having to make the decision right now.

Personally, I didn't get my cycles back until 15 months, and I was charting just to kinda see what happened when I got pg. at 17 months. But I knew I wanted more babies and I wasn't trying not to get pg! I used FAM successfully for about 7 years, with condoms as back-up for fertile time, before getting pg w/my DS (on our first try.)

Chemicals make my vagina very unhappy, too, and I was never willing to use hormones, so that worked well for us.

[luckylady]

I was absolutely CERTAIN that i DID NOT want another child - until my OB told me I need to get a hysterectomy to stop my 16 - 17 days HEAVY periods. And then I realized I DID want another baby - and here we are.

I think you are smart to not do anything permanent yet.

as for BC, I also cannot take the pill - makes me super depressed and bitchy. We pretty much went by my cycles until they stopped being regular and then we used "party hats" LOL.:lol

This time I am not sure - I will be nursing and if my periods came back how they were I will opt for the uterine stripping - they do it with a laser and it causes infertility before I do anything as major as a hysterectomy.

[momsmyjob]

Hi..visiting here :)

I think it's a good idea not to do something permanent. Until you've had 1 child and know what it's like. There's a chance you and your dh could totally fall in love and want one or two more children, who knows, but at least if you wait you know you have that choice and it won't be something you're sorry you decided too soon, make sense?

Charting is an option, a diaphragm, condoms, then there is an IUD. You've been give some good advice, good luck with your decision and with the rest of your pregnancy.

[TechnoGranola]

He is the medical advisor for a yahoo group "diaphragms and caps". Do you have any more information on this group? I searched on yahoo groups and couldn't find anything under this name. I then searched just for "diaphragm" and didn't come up with anything that seemed like this group.

[Brinda]

I had the same feelings after my last, and I opted for the Mirena. I really liked it, but I was one of the rare people who had it eventually corkscrew into my uterus. I would try it again, though, except I'm sure this is it. I'm going for a tubal.

[Bellasmom]

Here is the link http://groups.yahoo.com/group/DiaphragmsAndCaps to the yahoo "DiaphragmsandCaps" but it is age restricted so you must log into yahoo first; it is also a members only group so you need to request permission to join.

"Angela- I've considered that (was it you who sent me in the direction of the yahoogroup where that recipe is posted?). I'm not going to be insured for awhile I don't think (darn premiums are too expensive! ) so I'm nervous about paying to be fitted and then finding it doesn't work out for me. I don't think insertion would be any difficulty since I'm used to using the Mooncup and checking my cervix etc. I'm just concerned about the itchies. I know I can't use spermicide, it would have to be the homemade version."

busybusymama - If I were you I would try the aloe/lemon recipe after pregnancy with either your mooncup or one of the "Instead" menstrual cups and see if you have irritation. That way you wouldn't have to spend money on the fitting if the natural spermicide didn't work out for you.

Finally, the recipe for aloe/lemon spermicide:
Aloe Vera and Lemon Juice
* 1 TBS (20ml) pure Aloe Vera (though 1 TBS is actually 15 mL, but I cut and pasted the recipe directly from the yahoo group)
* 4 drops lemon juice from a fresh lemon (do not use bottled or processed lemon juice)
Mix well and store in the fridge up to two weeks.
~This recipe, which appears at cervcap.com has been adjusted to 4 drops instead of 3 lemon juice per the advice of Trevor Wing.

[TechnoGranola]

Thanks Bellasmom!!

[Jeni_Houston]

I also would give a big thumbs up :thumb to charting (Fertility Awareness Method). My husband and I used it for over a year (using condoms during fertile week) without any problems. Once we decided to get pregnant, it only took one try since I knew when I was ovulating. There's a great book out called Taking Charge of Your Fertility (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0060937645/sr=8-1/qid=1142972517/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-2901160-8443204?%5Fencoding=UTF8) by Toni Weschler. It has a chapter devoted to FAM while breastfeeding.

Good Luck!

[busybusymomma]

busybusymama - If I were you I would try the aloe/lemon recipe after pregnancy with either your mooncup or one of the "Instead" menstrual cups and see if you have irritation. That way you wouldn't have to spend money on the fitting if the natural spermicide didn't work out for you.


Oh... good thought! :thumb I'll have to try that and see what happens. :D

[Outofmymindyo]

Jeni, I actually have TCOYF and used the FAM method to GET pregnant, hence why I know my due date :D but I for some reason am terribly mentally against condoms between DH and myself.

I'll see about an IUD, but my next appointment with my OB isn't until the 28th, so it's still gonna bug me until then I guess. Anyway I thank you all very much for posting and sharing experiences and thoughts. I always appreciate when I can get a good spread of experiences about a question I have.

Thanks again and if anyone wants to post anymore I will be here to read.