planning vbac...need advice

[arianasmama]

okay, my dh and i are expecting our newest addition (child #2) in mid may and i want a vbac so bad that i can taste it. i told my dh that i don't want to go to the hospital until i can no longer stand the pain. i also told him that i didn't want to have an i.v. (if I can get away without it being a "routine procedure"). but my biggest don't want is that i don't want another epidural because it slowed down my last labor with our dd. when i said that i didn't want an epidural, he laughed... yes, you read correctly... HE LAUGHED!!!! can you believe that?? i just started to cry when he did that. i made him feel so bad for not believing in me and not being strong for me. I don't know what to do. it hurt soo much that i wanted to tell him that i don't want him to present in the room when i give birth. oh i feel sooo bad and like i failed him the first time and i know i didn't fail at all. any advice would be greatly appreciated on how to handle this situation. :(

[MamaOui]

Hi arianasmom, I think it's great that you are going to VBAC. I am sorry your dh is not being more supportive.:hug How do you feel about the person who will be attending/delivering the birth of your dc#2? Do you have a friend who has VBACed or labored without intervention that could attend your birth? How about hiring a doula? Maybe your husband could attend the birth, but be more or less on the sidelines while someone else attends to your needs. I hope that his attitude will change.

[arianasmama]

thanks for the encouragement about my dh. i know he will come around sooner or later... i just hope sooner than later. no i don't know anyone who has had a vbac but i do know that his aunt... who i am really close with... has labored without intervention. she arrived to late for them to do anything but tell her to push. i am considering assking her to be present when i go into labor. she will be with me... well, i will be with her because i will be staying at her house because the hospital is closer to her house than mine. but i think i will take your advice and ask that she be present and he be on the sidelines. thanks. :)

[dotcommama]

I second the vote for having a doula present for support during a natural labor - especially if your dh doesn't seem as supportive as you'd like (though I'm sure he'll come around). Having a doula during a VBAC increasing the likelyhood of a sucessful outcome by almost 50% from the stuff I've read - so look into it!

[Pynki]

We are going for our 2nd vbac in July.. My dh .. (i don't know how der he was at the time!!!) fell asleep during my 4 hours of pushing for 2 hours in the middle!!:angry :angry :angry :bang , and the nurse wouldn't wake him up!!!:bang :bang :bang

Not as supportive as i would like... SO now one of my friends is coming to the hospital with us to support me during labor and to make sure he DOESN"T FALL ASLEEP AGAIN!!!

Warm Squishy Feeligns...

Dyan

[arianasmama]

i also have read that having a doula present is very beneficial but i really don't know where to llok for one. should i look at the DONA website? do they list people who attend births or just the teacher trainers? thanks again. also, are doula's really expensive too?

[theflower]

The DONA website is a good place. Plus, if you take a birth class such as Bradley or Birthing From Within you can ask for recommendations from the instructor. Also, LLL meetings are a good way of getting word of mouth references.

Don't worry too much about dh. Once you've explained the reasons why you feel going med-free is better, I'm sure he will understand and support you. If he is anything like most dh's I know, they just have no idea about the problems that can follow from epidurals and only know birth as seen on t.v.

I still think hiring a doula is a great thing though. Studies have shown that women with professional labor support are much less likely to have a c/s, to have an epidural, and to have an episiotomy.

[gurumama]

our labor doula cost $400--that included an initial meeting, plenty of supportive phone calls, laboring atr home, driving to the hospital, being at the birth through the first few hours, plus one visit to our house a few days later.

www.dona.org and www.alace.org are good places to search for doulas.

one idea if $ is an issue: sometimes doulas-in-training will do births for a reduced rate or even free to gain experience for certification. You can contact DONA or ALACE (see links above) and ask them to refer you to such people.

good luck,

Mel

[arianasmama]

i will go and look at those sites that you have recommended. i might just find someone that is training and will attend the birth for a minimal fee or even free. that would be very good. it would definately help me to convinvce dh that i need to have a labor support person to help. he's kinda being stubborn when it comes to others attending the birth of this baby. he doesn't even want my mom to be in the room when I give birth... so, he's a work in progress. thanks for all of the advice.

[dotcommama]

Wow - I had no idea how lucky I was. The hospital that I'm going to be birthing at has a subsidised (sp?) doula program so you only pay $50 out of pocket. I didn't realize how much it normally would be!

[Luckymomma]

Arianasmama, I can totally relate about the unsupportive husband thing. Unfortunatley, my dh takes it even further. He doesn't even think I'm able to vbac. After all, the "the surgeon(male) was in there and he could tell, and when I asked him about future births, he just shook his head". I have been unable to educate him about what really went wrong with our birth. :bang He really is a brick wall about the whole topic. So, naturally, homebirth is out of the question. But I have found a cadillac of a doula who will help me get my vbac. In 20 years experience, all her vbacs have been successful, except for one cord prolapse. I'm also having a close friend attend. I figure, between the two of them, I'll have a wonderful wall against intervention. My doula costs $800, I know I could find cheaper, but I don't think I could find better. Sometimes money just doesn't matter. Having the peace of mind that this woman will be there, with all the wisdom that many years of helping birthing women brings...Priceless. *Sigh* It would be nice if my husband weren't such a schmuck sometimes though.:tsk

[mom2kay]

HI A's Mom,

I think your dh is typical in not understanding why we want to go through pain. I would give him a break on that and not expect too much. You may want to tell him that if he doesn't agree with something (the stuff that is your decision alone, I mean) that you would appreciate if he would keep comments/laughter, etc. to himself.

As for during labor, find a woman who's delivered naturally or a doula to be your support person. My sister had 5 kids naturally and I wanted a natural birth too so she was my support person. This left dh free to be my emotional support person. I personally don't believe men make very good coaches for labor. I'm sure you wouldn't want me coaching a hockey team since I've never played hockey.

At one point during the birth he told me to stay on top of the contraction (something my MW and sister had said on previous contractions and it helped) and I looked at him "like you would know." It just sounded so hollow coming from him. But I did want him within arm's reach at all times and that was great.

[Colorful~Mama]

we're going for our first vbac after 2 cesarean births this august. I am sorry your dh laughed at the no epi comment, but heres my take on it (and i didnt' read all the other posts so i'm sorry if i am repeating others)....

i think most men are just scared of seeing us in pain. I've tried to explain to my dh that labor is GOOD pain. that the pain is going to be helping the baby come. He was so frightened during my last labor... when the nurse started screaming "i need some help in here" and they shoo'd him and dd#1 out and then the cesarean... he is just pretty frightened.

my dh doesn't read, lol, but is letting me read passages to him. I've been picking out parts of birthing from within - and he does now understand a few things about natural birth and labor. He and i went thru some hypnobirthing stuff this week too cuz i want to try to do some of it (can't afford classes, but i have tapes and workbooks) and now he really seems to "get" why i don't want iv, pitocin, epidural etc.

i can't afford a doula and theres no subsidized program for us, so a friend who's attended lots of births is going to join us as a 'personal labor assistant'. lol - she's going to make it her business to not only help me, but help him to help me...and deal with (if necessary) the staff since i'm being made to birth at a hospital instead of the birthing center.

wow. this got long. anyway..hang in there and try to maybe help him see why you're saying the things you are about the birth experience you want?

take care

[arianasmama]

i feel a lot better knowing that other women are and have experienced what i am going through and we willing to share their opinions and advice with me. well, dh and i have come to an a compromise... i guess that's what you could call it. we have agreed that i won't take an i.v. or epi because that's what I WANT! I think he's finally hearing me after weeks of trying to get him to listen... Also, i think he wants me to relaxed and calm because we are approaching 31 weeks (tomorrow) and he knows the baby will be here soon. i also told him that if he says one more stupid comment that i will not ALLOW him into the room with me and have his aunt and my mother be my labor support. thanks again for all of your advice.

30 weeks, 6 days :thumb

[arianasmama]

Just a little bump to let everyone know that I DID have a successful hospital VBAC. Our son was born May 9th at 2:49 a.m. weighing in at 6lbs 14.6ozs and was 18 1/2" long. :binky I proved my dh and the ob wrong (my doc). I had a VBAC without an i.v. or pain medication. I went into full on labor at 7:17 p.m. May 8th and delivered my little man 7 hours later. To read his full story, check it out at http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/j/jordananthony
I just want to encourage anyone who wants to have a VBAc, go for it. Don't let doubt and hesitation stop you. Okay, I must go and check on my two little rugrats. Thanks for all of your support back in Feb. It turned out to work in my favor :thumb

[dotcommama]

Wow - how wonderful. Thanks for the great story! I'm gearing up for my VBAC sometime in the next month and I feel really inspired reading your story!!!

:) Oh and your baby is beautiful!

[AlohaDeb]

Wow, that is so great!

I'm planning a VBAC in a little over 8 weeks :) Here's hoping it works out as well as yours did!

*wiping a couple happy tears for you* :D