here I am......(long)

[Graceoc]

Well - after denying it for almost 10 months now I think I am finally at the point that I can admit that there is *something* wrong with me.......I just don't even know where to begin......:(

I have always had a difficut time dealing with stress (who dosen't) and have had panik attacks sine I was a teenager - but never that freqently. My upbrining was far from ideal, yet I was able to pull out of it and get the dream life I have always wanted.......but of course nothing is perfect.....

The past few years have been nothing but one major life change after another - here is a brief timeline:

Aug 28th 1999 - Married the man of my dreams in the wedding of my dreams.....:)

Sept 1999 - return home from honeymoon and next day move to a new state that I have never seen, into an apartment I had never seen. DH and I decided to start a new a wonderful life together!

One week later - find out I am pg with ds - Literally a wedding night conception :)

October 1999 - find a job, buy a house, hate job, quit job...

November 1999 - find a new job

May 2000 - ds is born, happiest day of my life,

August 2000 - decide to move back home to be closer to family, put house up for sale.

October 2000 - move back to MI, move in with IL's until the house sells...

January 2001 - house in NC finally sells, now time to find a new house to buy....

April 2001 - put offer in on new house!

May 2001 - Ds turns one! One week later find out we are pg with #2 - happy because we had been TTC!

June 2001 - Finally move into house - only 9 months of living with inlaws....

July 2001 - Loose our much wanted baby, mc....
:(

August 2001 - Find out that we are miracously pg again only 3 weeks after m/c (and no cycle in between) happy but nervous!

Over the next few months we determine that DH is miserable with his current job situation, and decided to make a drastic move to a different career.....will need to sell the house before any type of job switch is possible.....need to totally renovate the house in order to make any profit off of it.....start working on the house......start preparing for a natural waterbirth at the local birth center.....

April 2002 - Have the most AMAZING birth experience I could ever imagine!!!! DD is born!

June 2002 - start to realize that I am just not feeling 'right' am extreamly irratible, fatigued, irrational, moody......chalk it up to typical baby & toddler life and go on. Do put a call in to mw for some dietary advice - she gives some suggestiosn and then asks for me to call back after 2 weeks....I do not follow up....

July 2002 - February 2003 - contiue to struggle with being a mom of two....HATE co-sleeping, but stick it through for the sake of dd....contiue to stuggle with ds's new found intependence....work continues on the house.....figure that I am just not that great at being a mom of two and contiue to just do what I can.....dreams of having a large family get squished..... feel like I am drowning....put house up for sale and need to keep it clean 24/7 ( and I am VERY domestically challanged :( ) Constantly feel like I am about to go over the edge, have trouble containg feelings of rage and anger - espically towards the kids. Totally freak out when I have visisons of spanking my 9 month old dd - and find myself holding on to the kids extra tight for fear that if I don't I will hurt them...........and now here I am.......

Even now I am having the most difficult time writing this down - I feel like a total faliur and a whiner - for every problem I have I know that someone out there has it MUCH worse - so what gives me the right to complain? I have a wonderful Dh, 2 healthy kids, a nice house, wonderful IL's who help out whenever I need it, a great group of friends......so what's my problem, why do I feel like I can't go on.......I just SUCK as a mom!!!! I am so embaressed and ashamed to have to admit that maybe I just can't cut it......

Since my dd's birth I have just been feeling so off - and I always figure it is just stress from life, that this is normal, the kids will do this to me and everyone else is handling it just fine.......so so will I. I have had breakdowns and have shut myself in my room on a number of occassions while dd crys in her crib and ds screams and pounds on my door - I fear for them I fear what I will do to them if I leave the room.......and I am sick to think such thoughts.......(I came from an abusive family, so it is all the worse....)

DH has been wonderful throughtout - but he comes from the perfect family and the perfect world, and is just the type of guy who justs wants everything to be all better. He has been saying - just eat healthy, just take some time to yourself, just work out - and is willing to 'let' be do all those things......but I am just at such a low point that I don't even want to do those things, it is if I just want to wallow in my sorrows, I can not get motivated to do anything for myself.......After a VERY rough and eye opening (and scary) week, dh and I have realized that there has to be more going on then not enought 'me time' and I have called and made an apt with my mw for next week.......

I never thought something like this would be going on with me - and althought I have always been supportive of those people going through PPD, I always had the attitude that I wasn't one of *those people* I feel like I made myself this way and that it is all my fault.......

On a positive note, I am an active member of our local MOMS club - a pretty mainstream group (yes I am one of those khaki pants sweater set moms! - except mine have nurisng openings LOL!) - I am a board member and do the monthly newsletter. I skipped out on the meeting today because I just couldn't go, I didn't get the newsletter done and felt like I just could not show my face......Well, 3 of my friends called wondering what had happened to me! I had always just viewed these people as 'aquaintence friends' but there were all guinelly worried about me and offered to help out in any way they could! I felt so loved! I also called my sister yesterday and admitted to her how I was feeling - very hard since she is a perfectionist and was literly baking homemade muffins not one week after her dd was born and her 17 month old was at home UGH! She is like superwomen and nothing ever phases her.....I don't know what she really thinks, but she sounded supportive and has offered to have ds come over for a slumber party this weekend - yes I feel like crap, because she has a 6 week old and an 18 month old and sees no problem with taking on my 2 3/4 year old for 2 days - something I would never consider doing myself! But at least that is a break for me............

so that's my sob story, I still, feel like a big flake.....:crying

Grace

edited to add - sorry for the typos......:confused:

[Britt]

(((((((Grace)))))))

I'm so glad to hear that you made an appointment with your midwife! I only had PPD for a couple of months, but I can relate so strongly to what you write, and I'm quite sure you're not a bad mother, no matter how you feel right now. It's so good that you've started talking to people openly about how you're feeling. I'd like to write more but I have a little one crying---I just didn't want to wait to reply to your post. I'll be thinking about you!

Brittany

[Jish]

Grace, I feel for you. I went undiagnosed for nearly a year and got so bad that I couldn't get out of bed, told my dh I couldn't go on like this much longer (didn't mean suicide, I just wanted someone to figure out what was wrong with me.) He took me to the ER that night and I was immediately diagnosed with depression and I was admitted. I stayed for six days. I was put on an antidepressant (which I take daily) and an anti anxiety med (which I very rarely have to take now) and began to feel that I finally knew what was wrong with me.

It was very frustrating that I had to go through months of tests on my heart because of the PVC's and racing heart I was having. I suffered extreme anxiety to the point that I thought I was going to drop dead at any moment from a heart attack because surely there was something wrong with me that my doctor was missing. My doctor wrote me off as a hypochodriac and treated me like crap. It was miserable going through every day constantly worrying that I was going to die and leave my children without a mother. Not all doctors (obviously from my story) are equiped to deal with depression. I thank God for the psychiatrist who was on call the night I was admitted. He is wonderful, caring and makes me feel safe when I admit to feeling like I'm not normal. He is also very knowledgeble about pregnancy and breastfeeding with depression and how all the different medications affect them both.

If it helps you feel more "normal" I am the last person anyone who knows me would have thought would suffer from depression. I am a very strong woman. Not to say that I don't have my flaws or insecurities, but I have always been the strong one that people lean on when they are in need. It was a real surprise to those who know me well when I was diagnosed. I even had a friend who suffers from an anxiety disorder (and who is also a member of MDC) tell me that it makes her feel good to know that someone as put together as me suffers from depression and anxiety. I don't hide my "illness" from anyone. I wear it as a badge of courage so to speak. I think people need to know that depression is a chemical imbalance, not a flaw in ones personality. It's like breastfeeding, if we hide when we nurse, we can't expect people to accept it as the norm. If we are not willing to educate people on depression, people will continue to live with a flawed image of what the face of depression looks like.

Of the people I hang out with now, about 50 percent of us suffer from depression. We all have young kids and are sahm's. That is a startling statistic. Find a health care provider (preferably a psychiatrist you trust and feel comfortable with) who can help you out of this. Depression is a difficult road regardless, but doing it on your own is more than anyone should have to do.

Good luck and keep us posted on how you are doing. PM me if you want to talk.:hug

[ekblad9]

I guess we're going through this together. I feel so much better just having called the dr. I'm nervous to go in tomorrow, though. Looking back I think I've suffered from this for years and years. Probably since the birth of my first daughter. It's a shame.

I hope that you will get help at your mw appt. PM me if you want to talk or email me at ekblad7@mothering.com. Good luck!:hippie