This is what has been happening with me...

[geogirl]

since my last post.

I am still down, angry and irritable. I even yelled at the baby today (that makes me so sad to write) and so am having those they would be better off without me feelings... ugh.

Went to the midwife last week and she said that I was having signs of PPD. She sent me to the doc (walk in clinic because I have no gp), He said that I need to get out away from the kids, go to the mall for a couple hours. Well, I am not really happy with this advice, although getting out would do me good I can't see it fixing this..

I talked to a public health nurse who deals with PPD and she gave me a number for another doc.. so we;ll see. I just feel like things are never going to get better..

My ds turned 3 yesterday and I barely planned a thing for his birthday and it took all I had to not be mean or irritable toward him that day and I did explode near his bedtime. Last year I planned a party and everything.... I feel so guilty.

I took the self test above here and scored 66.

Please tell me that this will turn around. I can't take this much more.

Rebecca

[mama2girls]

:hug Rebecca,

Things will get better in time. Please go to see the doc that the ppd nurse recommends. I can remember after A was born thinking that my dh was doing just fine and that they would be better off without me. I even went so far as to get in my car and drive around (leaving dd with dh). I didn't even get out of the country but the drive made us both realize that something was really wrong with me--I was not the person that I had been before she was born. It was 4 long miserable months for me before I was diagnosed and started on meds. Within another month or so I was begining to remember the person I used to be! It also probably took me 5 months to fall in love with A.

You're not alone, and it will get better, but I hope that you can find some one to talk to about it.

[StandswithStrength]

Don't give up the fight to find a dr who understands what you are going through. The first dr who told you to go to the mall should know better. Any pt that expresses concerns of having depression (especially after a baby is born) should be taken seriously and thoroughly assessed. Fight to stay healthy mentally and find someone who will take you seriously. Also remember that there are many crisis lines in the event that you think you can't handle it anymore. You are a worthy mother and your babies want you around for many years to come. Medicine will help you get back to your normal.

[ekblad9]

Please find a dr. that will give you meds. I know I just started mine but I swear I feel so much better already. I haven't snapped at my kids or my dh once since I got them! That is a major record for me. Things that would have driven me nuts before don't even phase me. I fought it for over six years. Please don't wait as long as I did. I wasted so much time.

Good luck!:hippie

[Jish]

Geogirl, find a psychiatrist that you can see, or a doctor who is VERY experienced with dealing with depression. My regular doctor is an internal medicine doctor and she misdianosed me as a hypochondriac form months. I was finally told I was having a panic attack one night I went to the ER with symptoms of a heart attack. That ER doctor left a message with my internist and told me to go in to her the next day. I did and she put me on PaxilCR and Xanax. Neither of them did anything and I was scared to death of the xanax cause I had heard that it was very addictive. I kept calling her office because I just kept getting worse and her advice was to take a xanax. It didn't seem to matter to her that I had just taken on an hour before and it had made no difference. If you read through my other posts you will see that a week and a half later I was taken to the ER by my dh and was diagnosed with clinical depression and admitted to the Psych unit (unlocked unit with wonderful nurses -- it was exactly what I needed at that time.)

The whole point of that is that many people will tell you that an internist is the next best thing to a psychiatrist for PPD and depression, but unfortunately I'm a prime example that isn't necessarily true. They need to deal with it often and not just to diagnose it once and let you go. A psychiatrist will see you as often as needed (I go every two to three months -- more if I need it) talk to him for around 30 minutes about how I'm feeling, any questions I have, whether I feel the meds are working, etc. It isn't touchy, feely therapy (although you can do that too:) ) so it isn't anything to be afraid of. They are simply specialists in diagnosing and treating depression and other disorders. This is your brain and your emotions we are talking about -- why not go to a specialist if you can.

You need to get help not just for your family, but for you. This is no way to live when it can be helped. Things will turn around, but you need to find someone to help you through, to diagnose you, advise you of how to help yourself, and to prescribe meds if that is what is needed to get your brain chemistry back on track. I wish you the best of luck and will keep you in my prayers.

BTW, Amy, my heart is bursting I am so happy you are feeling better.:love

[Jamiemama]

I totally agree with the above post. It can be very difficult when you are the person with symptoms of depression to drag yourself around to medical personel until you find someone who recognizes that you need immediate help, so enlist the help of your dh or a good friend to make the phone calls and drive you where you need to go if possible.

If you ever get really desperate ALWAYS go to your ER and INSIST on seeing a pyschiatrist. You are definitely in need of intervention and help - if you have a list of "preferred providers" call down the list of psychiatrists and ask their nurses if they specialize in PPD, make sure you find someone who can see you ASAP - say you are getting to a crisis point. It is the greatest irony that when you most feel you can't cope and can't do anything you are suppposed to get out there and advocate for yourself to get the help you need but please do it so that you can be healthy and happy again.

Much love xxx

[OnTheFence]

After my first baby I had terrible PPD. It was almost immediate. I knew I wasnt right but no one would listen to me, not even my husband. At my six week post partum check up I spoke to my doctor and she told me she would not give me anything because I was breastfeeding. That was six years ago. She also said I just had the blues and it would pass. I had PPD for almost 9 months. 9 months of hell. I had audible hallucinations from sleep deprivation, I was severely depressed, I would sit and breastfeed my baby and felt like that was my only reason for living. My husband thought I was just crazy and even though people knew I was depressed, well, they ignored it too.
My second child was adopted. I thought I would be spared from PPD because hey, I wasnt the one that was pregnant and given birth. WRONG. It was just as bad that time as well. HAd it not been for my neighbors and the Marlboro man I would ended up in the mental institution. (smoking was only temporary) I even went on vacation without my baby for 8 days to "recover".
When I found out I was pregnant with baby no. 3 when our second child was nine months old the first thing I talked about was PPD and how the new doctor was going to handle it. At this point, I was ready and educated enough to go the medication route if that is what it took. I actually requested Welbutrin for various reasons even though it is contraindicated for pregnancy and breastfeeding. I was willing to take the small risk. At 34 weeks I began taking welbutrin. I felt great, had a great birth exprience at 38 weeks, and went home feeling better than I ever had. I looked for any signs in me or the baby that the Welbutrin was having ill effects. I kept in contact with my doctor, who was more than supportive and her nurse. I quit taking Welbutrin when my baby was a month old for a trial period. I did not suffer from PPD at all and discontinued the use for good. I would do it all again.
I am very anti medication, but in cases of PPD, when you, your children, and your marriage is online I think its something to consider. There are options out there and there are doctors who are willing to work with you and take precautionary risks if need be.

[mama2girls]

Originally posted by OnTheFence
I am very anti medication, but in cases of PPD, when you, your children, and your marriage is online I think its something to consider. There are options out there and there are doctors who are willing to work with you and take precautionary risks if need be.

Well stated! I will reinterate that I don't think I bonded with my first until she was 4-5 months old due to the ppd. Everyone else seemed to love her and I didn't even miss her when I was gone from her. After the meds I couldn't believe how much I could love another person and I fell in love with dd#2 so much faster (before we left the hosptial). Isn't a happy mommy the best gift we can give our children?

[OnTheFence]

Originally posted by AM Mom
Well stated! I will reinterate that I don't think I bonded with my first until she was 4-5 months old due to the ppd. Everyone else seemed to love her and I didn't even miss her when I was gone from her. After the meds I couldn't believe how much I could love another person and I fell in love with dd#2 so much faster (before we left the hosptial). Isn't a happy mommy the best gift we can give our children?

Jenni, Sad but true I have had a much better bonding with my third baby than the other two. Things were off to a great start between us and I felt elated to have him. After I got home I felt good and did not have the blues at all. Before him I really did not like the first 6-9 months of baby hood but with him I have enjoyed every moment. I believe the things I did during my pregnancy and after to ward off PPD, including the taking of medication made this experience so wonderful. Sometimes I feel Jack was my saving grace! I wish I could have had the same experience with my other two.

[mama2girls]

I forgot to add that I was on Paxil from when dd#1 was 4-5 mo until last week--I'm switching to Zoloft. I was on it all through pg and bfing twice!!!