Now I'm a Little Confused

[QueeTheBean]

You'd think after experiencing previous bouts of depression, I'd know by now, but I am not sure . . .

Some days, I feel pretty good--all through the day, then BAM, the next morning I can wake up and for what seems to be no reason, I feel totally depressed again. May last all day and continue on for days and days, and then I'll all of the sudden feel ok again for a few days.

So, is this typical of ppd or depression in general? I get to those good days and think I'll be just fine, and then a bad stretch hits. Not sure what to do. It's like when you have a sore throat or cough or something and it goes away on the day you finally get in to see the doctor. Or that rattling in your car that never reproduces itself when you take it in to the mechanic. Know what I mean? Anyone??

[journeymom]

Yes, I know what you mean. It stinks. It's called cycling. Now, in my case it ended up that I have bipolar with cycling. Which means I feel up (not often enough, thank you very much! :angry ) for a day or two, then I'll crash and be depressed. This happens in relatively rapid sucsession, like over 1 to 3 days, then it starts over. The manic portion doesn't always manifest as happy exhileration, though. Most of the time it translates into severe irritation and short temperedness. So the kids suffer the most. :(

I no longer have post partum depression. You most certainly might not have bipolar disorder! My experience, and what the other ladies here describe, is that ppd is just ON. It is pervasive. You might have some better days based on circumstances in your life (a party, a hike, a day where you get all the things on your to-do list done.), but generally you just feel down all the time.

Of course take into account that women naturally cycle through out the month. I believe scientists are just starting to learn about "pre menstrual syndrome" and that someday they're going to find out that it's not just the 3 or 4 days before your period that is syndromatic.

I'd ad to your list of analogies: you know when your kid has had the sniffles all week and then Friday night after the doctor's office is closed for the weekend, s/he gets a fever and an ear ache?!

[Jish]

That's how my depression worked. Unfortunately, it eventually went on to the point where I couldn't get out of bed and had to be hospitalized. If you read my posts in other threads you can get an idea of my story. I hope that you can find help, it's hard to live life in a depressive funk.

[ekblad9]

I lived like that for years and years. It was a terrible way to live. I hope you can get some help. After getting help I feel a million times better. My kids and dh are much happier too! I haven't cried in a whole week! (I just started the meds a week ago!). The support here helped me alot so please continue to post if you need to!:)

[racechic]

I am finding pieces of myself in your post and am comforted but now where do I go...? Like you, I have days where things are fine--I get things done, am great with the kids, enjoy things and then---boom. I can't sleep, my temper is so quick and over blown, guilt just runs right over me, and I feel worthless to just about everyone. I have been reading the post in this forum for awhile looking for answers. I need someone objective---a professional--to help me sort this out. Who do you go to first? Ob/Gyne?
I want to get this worked out---I hate wasting parts of my life feeling so bad. I don't want my kids to have a mom like this!
Thanks for letting me jump in.

[ekblad9]

I went to my family dr. but only because that's who I felt most comfortable with. Actually, I was making ds3's 3 month appt. and it just kind of came out to the nurse that I had PPD. I asked her if there were any natural remedies and she said I should come in the next day. I did and I feel so much better. I would think that most people start with their OB, though. Good luck!

[racechic]

Thanks for the reply! My yearly check-up is coming up in a few weeks and I want to discuss it with one of the female docs in the Ob. group. How do they go about evaluating you? Asking certain questions? I really don't know where to begin in just explaining to them---I hope when I bring it up they just start asking me questions I can answer, KWIM?
ANy suggestions?

[Jish]

You might want to check out the sticky at the top of the board. It has a quiz you can take to evaluate your "risk" of ppd. Take it and then take that into the doctor with you. That way you won't have to try to think of what you want to say when you get in there. It will all be there in front of you.:thumb Good luck.

[QueeTheBean]

I'm still here. Had sort of an awakening experience. My mom and dad came for the weekend. Mom confided to me that dad seems depressed & has been for years--moody, irritable, snippy, etc. etc. Oh my god--it sounded like me to a tee. It was pretty distrubing. We also discussed that all 5 of the kids in my family have been diagnosed with some form of depression. I urged her to have him go get evaluated. Then, I spent the night htinking I should do teh same for myself before I end up misreable 30 years down the road.

I've had an ok week, actually, but like racechick, I'm always a step away from depressionland. I am so scared to make the call, but I am going to anyway.

[racechic]

dj~~~i am making the call tomorrow. you should try to do it for yourself, too. we deserve to enjoy our lives and families! i am finding the same thing about depression running in the family. i have always been supportive of others dealing with depression issues--but for my own self i see it as a weakness or failure on my part. like, i have so many blessings and a great life--what is my problem? i now know it is something i cannot fix on my own. i think we need to cut ourselves some slack and find the help that can make our lives happier. best of luck to you!:)

[racechic]

Thanks Beth---I took the quiz. I am a 46. I printed it out to refer to and use as a reference when I talk to the doctor. Thank you.

[ekblad9]

I'm glad you guys are going to get help. That was the hardest part for me. Hopefully it will work wonders for you too! I also view it as a weakness in myself but don't view others that way. I need to work on that.

Good luck!:hippie

[Lucky Charm]

Hi ladies,
First, i often click on the PPD threads to offer support. i read the posts and sometimes identify with the feelings of anger, tempers, and a few other things.

so today, i took the quiz. i felt stupid doing it, as my kids are 15, 12 and almost 5!! but still, i did the quiz.

my first score was a 42. i couldnt beleive it., so i logged off and poured a cup of coffee. thinking the quiz was wrong, i took it again, and my score was 56! can i have PPD with a 5 yr old? my huband thinks i am the happiest person alive, and although i consider myself "happy", i am finding it increasingly difficult to be grateful and happy all the time, kwim? i am often scared (of the boogey man in the furnace room, money), angry and frustrated. i feel like my days are spent shoveling sh*t against the tide.

any advise? am i nuts? is the quiz only for moms of newborns?

[ekblad9]

My dr. says the chemical makeup of the brain changes when you have babies. I guess PPD is more pronounced in people with newborns because of the stress and sleep deprivation but honestly, now that I'm on meds, I think I've had this depression since ds1 was born. That was 11 years ago. Mine was manifested in worry and fear as well. I don't think it's just for people with newborns. It's just for people, esp. women, in general.

[Lucky Charm]

Ek,
my sleep deprivation with my first, was so awful, that i am unrecognizable in pictures. that 1 yr of sleep deprivation, has become a "habit" of sorts, meaning, since that time i have never slept the same. i am in no way comparing my sleep habits now to those with a newborn, but what i am trying to say is, it is now a pattern so to speak. and although i am not walking around "moping" or "sulking", i am angry, frustrated, worried and scared. i do feel overwhelmed at times, and after 15 yrs, sometimes i still feel like i dont have the "hang of it". why is it so hard to put a meal on the table? why is it so hard to get through the day with out my temper flaring up? and on and on.

i called my girlfriend and told her my score. she laughed, saying she couldnt believe it, that i always seem like i am in the "zen garden". ha! not true. and i answered the questions honestly with an open mind. wow.

[ekblad9]

My dr. (whom I LOVE and is actually a homeopath) said that more than 50% of the population suffers needlessly with some sort of depression. I would say if you think you need something then go for it. Give it a try and see if it works. I'm generally a "no med" kind of person but this really worked. I had already tried St. John's Wort (for years), changing my eating habits, trying to change my sleep habits, eliminating TV/News and such. Nothing else worked. This has worked wonders. My family is so much happier and so am I!:)

[Lucky Charm]

Ek7...does st johns wort interfere with birth control pills? i would ask about sex drive, but i havent had one in 15 yrs!

maybe i can try the "natural way" first and see if it helps my symptoms.

[Jish]

Sweetbaby, you likely have clinical depression at this point. That is my diagnosis since I wasn't diagnosed until my second son was nearly two, though I had been dealing with it for a year (trying to get help, but my dr thought I was a hypochondriac.) Twenty percent of women who have PPD will continue to suffer from depression that will not clear up on its own. Could this be the case in your situation?

I think that test is a great indicator for depression in general. I score something like a 69 during my depression, but I didn't answer any of the questions referring to babies. Now that is a depressing score.

I have heard that B12 and Zinc are supposed to help with depression also. I'm trying that, but I'm also on an antidepressant at this point.

[Lucky Charm]

Beth,
i figured as much. i never felt i wanted to hurt my kids, and even by- passing those questions still gave me a score in the 50's. i am a bit freaked out, as i dont "feel" depressed, kwim?

i had no idea that what i was feeling could in anyway mean depression. its been an eye opener. i am going to try the b12, zinc and maybe some st johns wort. i just wonder if it will decrease the birth control pill i'm taking.

[mama2girls]

You know, I didn't feel depressed as much as out of control. Does that sound like what you are feeling? I'd be yelling or angry and in the back of my mind I be thinking-what the heck am I doing?!?

Depression is one wacky condition. hard to believe we can all have the same diagnosis when it manifests itself in so many different ways.

[Lucky Charm]

AM....totally.

[QueeTheBean]

Sweetbaby,

Did you know that the pill is actually not recommended for women with depression? Well, that's what I was told anyway--long ago when I was on it and depressed! Maybe things have changed, but you may want to check with your GYN about it. Is there a possibility you can switch you birth control method?

I can't remember WHY, but you night want to look into it anyway.

also--this time around, my "depression" is much more anger than the hopelessness I felt in my 20's. And I am irritable to the point I can't stand to hear my poor husband's voice--some nights, he has to whisper!!

[Lucky Charm]

dj,
i had heard about it. about 2 yrs ago i was on depo provera, and had to go off it. i gained 26lbs, but worse, was my mood change. i actually noticed one day i wasnt "the same". i immediately stopped, and that has helped.

i am definitely angry, mad and frustrated. never hopeless, kwim? i hate to go off the pill though, because my periods are so heavy without taking them. my husband has offered to use condoms, but still.

i am going to try some st johns wort, b12 and zinc, and see what happens. today was a perfect example of my anger....trying to get 3 kids to school on time, cant find shoes, my daughter holding me hostage with the bathroom, and all i wanted to do was stick my head in the oven. i am still seething nearly 2 hrs later.

[mama2girls]

Not to make light of your frustrating morning, sweetbaby, but my Grandmother has been trying to convince me that she read a study where they rated stressful events and getting your kids out the door was right up there with losing a spouse. It really is that bad. And to have a strict deadline like school really stinks.

[Lucky Charm]

thanks, AM.
i could eat a windshield thats how frustrating and mad i get.

[mama2girls]

Oh yeah, i'm right there with you. Getting these two out of the house is about impossible. It makes me not want to go out... well not really, but you know what I mean!

[Jish]

Not sure I want to post with all the frustration here. I don't want it to rub off on me.:LOL

i am a bit freaked out, as i dont "feel" depressed, kwim?

I never felt depressed either. You would think with a mother that suffered from depression as long as I can remember, I would have know what to look for. But, she always had the "depression" that went along with it, meaning she was often depressed as the general population defines it.

At my last Psych appointment my doc said that depression manifests itself in different ways with different people. For me it is in anxiety about my health, for some it is social phobia, for some it is extreme rage, for some it is anger and irritability. There is a whole spectrum of ways we can experience this darned disease.

Remember, it is a chemical imbalance, not a personality flaw.
:love

[mama2girls]

Originally posted by jbcjmom
Remember, it is a chemical imbalance, not a personality flaw.
:love

Thanks! I needed that!! :D

[ekblad9]

Me too!:)

[Lucky Charm]

Me three!:)

[racechic]

It is helpful to see all of these previous posts. I made my yearly appt. to see the ob/gyne but they can't see me til June.I was hoping to discuss everything that is going on with me at that appt. Should I call them and ask if they can reccomend anyone to see for depression? Psychiatrist?
You know~~I was feeling really good the last couple of days. I went to dinner with girlfriends over the weekend, exercised some this week, was nicer to the kids...then I was looking up some things on circ for a friend and I was overcome with guilt because I circed my first son. I was bawling and thought, certain things can just set me off and send me plummeting. This is the cycle I have been in for years. I always think I can get a handle on it.

[geogirl]

I really appreciate hearing the *truth* about how depression is/has affected you. I can see myself in so many of these posts and although I wish with all my heart that you would all be magically healed, I am so glad to see that it is not just me. This anger that I have and irritability is so overwhelming and looking back on the things I have done is hard. It is not easy to look at it as a disease, on the other hand I am not planning to be a bitch at the time. Anyway, I just appreciate you guys and wanted you to know.

Rebecca