i guess i have it

[laralou]

So should I call my doc and get drugs if I am really not being a good mom? What is safe to take while bfing? And will it really work? Because I need something to help me stop being an awful mom.

[Cakes]

Laralou,
I don't have any advise just lots of support and understanding. Please talk to your Dr and do whatever will make you "feel" like a better Mom. I'm sure, for your children, you at your worst is still preferable then not having you at all. I can empathize with your child combo as I have the same and have been there. It does get easier in certain ways once the twins reach 6 mos.
Please try and get some help, reach out to anyone who offers to hold a baby or take your older one for a play date. Rest, Rest rest any cahnce you get. I know all this is easier said then done but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Twins really do play much better togetther as they get older, leaving you some time for other things.
Julianne

[Elphaba]

most SSRIs are safe for nursing moms, it's the older stuff, MAOIs that aren't.
SSRIs include zoloft, prozac, paxil, celexa, etc.
i take paxil. i didn't want to, i resisted for a long time, but i had done a LOT of work in therapy and i just wasn't feeling better at all so i gave in and tried it. within 2 days i felt markedly better, like the black cloud of doom had finally been lifted.
hugs to you lara.

[OnTheFence]

Go tot he doc see what they can do for you, if meds are something you want to do then by all means try it, they worked for me and I would do it again. I took welbutrin but they say you are not supposed to use it during breastfeeding. I did. It didnt hurt my baby in anyway. One thing they were looking for was poor weight gain, etc. I have a friend on Zoloft and is breastfeeding. I think it will be up to you to make the final decision on what you feel comfortable taking if you are still nursing. Take the steps to feel like a normal person again. And you are a good mom, you realize you need some help and are reaching out to find it!

[mama2girls]

Yep, yep. I keep saying the same thing :D, I took Paxil through one pg and two bf experiences and am now switching to Zoloft while bf. It's been fine for the girls and wonderful for me! Please get help so you can be the mom you want to be.

[Jish]

I have friends who have been pregnant and breastfed on all the major SSRI's. The only exception being the one I'm on -- Lexapro -- because it's so new. I also know someone who nurses on Welbutrin, and correct me if I'm wrong, AM Mom, but wasn't that one of the meds in the Breastfeeding and Antidepressants study at the U of I?

Good luck, Lara. If you need to blow off some steam, or cry on a shoulder, PM me.:hug

[LizD]

Call your local La Leche League for drug contraindications and alternatives. In my experience they often have the most up to date information, and of course they are genuinely interested in helping you continue to breastfeed.

[joesmom]

hi, lara. i have a friend who is a lll leader; if you want me to check on certain drugs' compatability w/ breastfeeding, i would be more than happy to do so.

i looked at your album; the girls are beeyootiful!! taylor looks like a very proud big brother!

hugs to you; hope you are feeling better soon!

love, jenny:)

[laralou]

I can't even post my score on the scale because I am ashamed. Way over 70.

So what will drugs do for me? I don't feel depressed (though I obviously am from the results). I just feel like I can't take another second in this house with the babies. I am yelling at Taylor all the time (working on this) because he is the only other person here with me and the babies. I just feel so much anger and resentment about having two babies. I didn't want two. I wanted one. It is so hard to take care of two babies, much less ap them. I am doing such a crappy job. I feel like one is always crying because I can never do everything they need all the time. I really do love them and I wouldn't give them back, but I am really burnt out right now.

I feel like I have to show everyone how well I am doing so I can "set a good example". Like, if I can bf and ap twins, then anyone should be able to do it. So if I admit I can't, then I am setting a horrible example, kwim?

I guess I wonder what an antidepressant is going to do to make the night time colic more tolerable. I feel like I just need something for my nerves.

What kind of a doc should I go to? My ob?

I am afraid to tell my husband how bad it is because he already wants to quit his job (he travels all the time) and I am scared that if he quits he won't find a job that pays enough for me to stay home.

Anyway, thanks for the support.

[Elphaba]

your OB can definitely get you a prescription, but you might also want to see a therapist, just so you can have someone to tell all your dark stuff too without being judged.
the anger and resentment you feel are manifestations of your depression. people think being depressed means you are sad all the time, but that's not always the case.
hang in there lara.

[Jish]

Lara, I didn't feel "depressed" either. I think that is why it took me so long to be diagnosed. If I were you, I would go to a Psychiatrist who has experience with breastfeeding moms. My pdoc is wonderful and is up to date on how they interact with pregnancy and bfing. He is also able to sort of "read" how the meds are working for me.

If you go on meds, you will likely be amazed at how much of a difference they will make. If you are like me, you have no idea now just how different you are from the person you used to be. It all builds slowly until the real you gets hidden under all the layers of crap that depression lays on you. Depression doesn't mean you feel "depressed." It means that you have a chemical imbalance that causes a host of physical and psychological symptoms. The meds balance out the imbalance and make an amazing difference. It is so nice to feel "normal" again and to deal with things as myself. I know that Ekblad7 mentioned similar symptoms as you. Perhaps she would be able to help you.

[mama2girls]

Lara, I actually go to the same pdoc as Beth and I think he's done a much better job than my family dr (whom I love dearly for all other problems). It's nice to talk to someone who specializes in chemical imbalances in the brain (aka depression) and knows the scoop on all of the meds. I have also talked to a therapist a few times (she's a LISW) and I like that, but mostly because I have a lot on my "plate" lately and it helps to dump on someone that I don't "need" to like. (Instead of friends or family). She does have a good way of making me realize what I'm hiding from myself and any underlying resentments I may have.

HTH!

[ekblad9]

I didn't feel "depressed" either. Just, I don't know, not right. I scored 75 on that test. Please go to the dr. and if you're open to drugs, take some! I was so irritable with everyone and now I haven't yelled at my kids (or dh) since I went on the drugs. It made that huge of a difference in such a short time. I'm actually enjoying my kids now. My dr. was so great about it. I'm sure yours would be too. There's so much pressure and stress. Don't be afraid to get help. I was afraid for way too long. Please PM me if you have any questions/need anything. Take care! Hugs to you.

[OnTheFence]

There were times I didnt feel depressed. I did feel anxiety, yelled all the time just becaues. I felt like I had the worst case of PMS possible. Some times I would get sick of anything touching my body. Even when my baby was asleep I would think I would hear crying. I was one messed up mother.
Welbutrin did wonders for me. I am convinced it help ward off PPD with baby no. 3. I felt in control while on it. I enjoyed my baby and did not feel high levels of anxiety. I was better with my husband and children. It seemed to level off my moods and I felt as if I could feel my emotions more evenly, if that makes sense. I slept better.
I will be sending positive thoughts your way. There is nothing wrong with getting help or taking medication for something so serious.

[mama2girls]

You know, I think the most confusing part is the lack of "depressive" feelings! If I had known that ppd could manifest itself as it did for me (and a lot of the rest of you) then I probably would have gotten diagnosed quicker.

OT: I am completely off Paxil and upping my Zoloft and I think I made it through the day without yelling at anyone. Thank God, I have been waiting for that!:rolleyes:

[chellemarie]

there are meds you can take while nursing. please do see a doctor. There's no reason to feel rotten all the time. Or even most of the time. The meds can do wonders...for me it was like a thick curtain was lifted and I could see clearly again.

Best of luck to you.

Oh...And I think the only person expecting you to be perfect is you, honey. Do what's right for YOU and your family, not what you think you're supposed to do no matter what the circumstance. Please go easy on yourself and if you need to talk to someone who's far from perfect and won't make you feel judged, pm me.

Edit: I in no way meant anyone here thinks they're perfect or would make laralou feel judged. Eek. Thought I better clarify that just in case.

[mama2girls]

Originally posted by chellemarie
Edit: I in no way meant anyone here thinks they're perfect or would make laralou feel judged. Eek. Thought I better clarify that just in case.

:LOL That's half my problem! I want to be the perfect wife, mother, have perfect children, perfect house and I have no clue what excatly PERFECT is!!! :shake

[ekblad9]

I'm with you all. I set such high standards for myself and then get frustrated and down when I fail. I think I've decided that for me, it's impossible to practice AP, homeschool and have a perfectly clean house and homemade meals every single day. I have found since being on my prozac that I have relaxed my standards of the unimportant things and am FINALLY enjoying my kids!

[mama2girls]

Originally posted by ekblad7
I have relaxed my standards of the unimportant things and am FINALLY enjoying my kids!
YEAH ECKBLAD7!
:love :thumb :banana :wag

Life is so wonderful :D

[laralou]

I just want to say that all of your sweet words helped. I am feeling better though I still haven't gotten any meds. I keep forgetting to call until they are closed. I have gotten a lot more sleep. I have stayed off the computer so I could go to bed when they do and that makes tons of difference. I am also cooking dinner at their first mutual nap each day no matter how early. Tay can reheat for us so I don't have to put a baby down.

I do think that there is a drawback to these boards sometimes. While I find so much support, I also read tons of threads that make me feel like crap (you know which ones I mean, the ones that "would never use a _________" like swing, pumpkin seat, pacifier, etc and equate them with child abuse or neglect). I wind up walking around all day with some other woman's unrealistic expectations reverberating in my head. I am trying to accept that I can't parent twins the way I would a single baby, and that doesn't make me a bad mom.

Since I told my husband that I am thinking about taking drugs, he is calling really often. I think he is freaked. The only person he has ever heard of with ppd was Andrea Yates. Sigh...

[joesmom]

i think a lot of the women who say they would "never" use (insert whatever here) have never had a baby that needed to be held or bounced or moved 24-7. i put joe in a swing off & on when he was a baby, nothing wrong with it esp. if the girls enjoy it! i think back to when joe was a baby & can't imagine taking care of two joes!!

you are doing great; if you feel better,that is wonderful, but if you feel the meds would help, by all means, go to the dr. love you!

jenny:D

[Jish]

Since I read all those threads on the LWAB board, :wink I have seen the ones you are talking about. Please try to remember that if you pay attention, you will find that the women that post those types of threads only have one child. Throwing another child (or two:love ) into the mix changes things dramatically. I also feel like at times they are so strict in adhearing to what they think is acceptible AP that they forget that some babies may enjoy sitting in the swing, exersauser, bouncer, you name it. As long as these things aren't overused -- who cares? Don't feel guilty about it. My first child didn't like sleeping in my bed. He would sleep in my arms the first few months and that was it, but after three months, when it came to naps and bedtime, he only wanted to be in his crib. He was a great sleeper. To me, it would have been anti-AP to force him to co-sleep when that was obviously not what he wanted. Only we know our own babies and what they like. AP is honoring our babies, wants, likes and needs, not adhereing to someone else's strict guidelines of good parenting.

[mama2girls]

And remember as a wise woman once told me... "They don't live in your house!!"

The bottom line is that your girls will benefit more from having a happy mommy than they will somehow lose from spending some time in a swing/saucer/high chair/bouncy seat/crib. Please don't beat yourself up over that. I think two is overwhelming enough, much less three with two babies (who, btw, are beautiful!!)

[ekblad9]

And like I always say "I was the best parent ever before I had kids!" LOL! And I was really good when I had just Brandon and he was little. He was such a good baby that I judged all other mothers and thought if they had only done it how I did....Well, I got mine, let me tell you!

There's a time and a place for all of those mechanisms. I wish my babies liked swings! None of them did, darnit!

I'm glad you're feeling a little better!:)

[Jish]

I was the best parent ever before I had kids.

Boy would that make a great signature line.:D

[tara]

Coming to this thread late, but wanting to voice my support, Lara... PPD sucks, and you deserve big credit for noticing it, talking about it, thinking about your options... Medication has made all the difference for me...

Let your husband know that PPD is really, really common. Sure, Andrea Yates got the headlines, but 20% of moms get PPD. That's 1 in 5. Very common.

And, screw anybody that will condemn you for using a pacifier or whatever. Sorry to be so crude, but AP is not about tools, it's about attitude and openness to doing what is in your kids' best interest. And using a pacifier or a swing in moderation just may be in your children's best interest - nobody knows but you, the expert on your beautiful babes! One thing is clear, though - it is certainly in your babes' best interest to have a healthy, happy mom. Please seek some help.

And keep us informed - we're thinking of you!

[Jish]

Beautifully put, Tara.:love

[mama2girls]

Originally posted by tara
Sorry to be so crude, but AP is not about tools, it's about attitude and openness to doing what is in your kids' best interest. And using a pacifier or a swing in moderation just may be in your children's best interest - nobody knows but you, the expert on your beautiful babes! One thing is clear, though - it is certainly in your babes' best interest to have a healthy, happy mom.

Exactly! :thumb

[SarahShrader]

laralou,
i know what you mean about the boards and feeling bad... i feel that way too sometimes. but i think every mom out there knows that whatever makes her happy makes her children happy. if you need to bottle feed, go on meds, get out of the house more, go to the movies with friends, or whatever it is that makes you happy- your kids will inevitably be more happy b/c YOU are.

what has worked for me is reaching out to people and telling them like it is. i was so suprised when i got honest w/ others how many people had some sort of depression/anxiety/addiction etc. and could totally relate!

i am currently seeing a therapist and on zoloft and i feel really good. i still have problems (meds are not a cure), but i do not feel so terrible any more, like i just can't take one more day. I HATED that feeling. NO ONE should have to live that way!

pm me if you need anything.
sarah

[laralou]

Thanks everyone for the kind words. I am going to get my script today (really, that wasn't just a sarcastic response on the pacie thread). Dh got them to sleep for 7 hours a night for 3 nights in a row and I was almost normal again, but they woke up several times the last two nights.

For months I have denied it was ppd because it was so obviously caused by sleep deprivation. I realized this weekend it doesn't matter what causes the chemical changes in my brain- they are there so I need to deal with it.

[ekblad9]

:hug You'll be so glad you got a scrip. I have never felt better in my life!:D

[tara]

Sleep deprivation is absolutely part of my PPD. But, like you said, Lara, that doesn't make it less real! Unless you have some magical way to fix the sleep issue (and if you do, please tell me!), you need some other way to get out of depression... Good luck to you.

[Jish]

Lara, good for you. I can't wait to hear how things go for you in the upcoming weeks. Sleep deprivation was most definitely my trigger. After a year of only getting sleep in 20-30 minute increments totalling 2-3 hours a night, something had to snap. I'm glad you were able to get help before you got too bad. My situation was way out of control thanks to a less than helpful doctor, before I was diagnosed and helped. Keep on breastfeeding happily and know that you are doing the best thing for you and your family right now.:hug

[mama2girls]

Ditto what Beth said! And if you find a solution to getting more sleep, let me in on the secret, too! M was sick this weekend and up or needing to be held all night (or what seemed like all night) for about 4 nights. Last night I was close to losing it, I yelled at A for no good reason and sent myself to have a long hot bath and read a book. Little bits of therapy/self time combined with good drugs and great friends make all the difference.

[veganmamma]

I lurked on this thread before and didn't feel like i could post because I was sure I didn't have PPD. I am SO happy since having my dd. I have found that in cycles I lose my temper and have to work to control myself, which I do, but not without feeling out of control. I too, may have PPD.

Laralou, I just want to say that you are a great mom and I talk about you to friends and family as one of the amazing women in the world. "I *know* this woman who BFs and Aps twins and she is doing EC now too!" You are the amazing woman who does all and can do all. I was going to send you a pm, in fact, I've been thinking about it forever and just haven't done it, but I want to say that you are an inspiration to moms. I have actually thought to myself that if you can do it, i can. Those threads you read about devices being evil, please don't take them to heart. The devices are devices, it's parents who can be evil, kwim? The pacifier thread didn't have good options. "No they're for lazy parents" That's no good. I got a free baby monitor wiht a big purchase and there were times I really needed it, like when I went to the garage to get laundry but I was arfaid to use it because it was a neglect device. Now I know that I can neglect or not, it's not the moniter. Should I wake dd up to keep her with me while I shower or use the monitor and let her sleep? Please know that it's bad parenting that harms kids, and while many people use seats and pacis etc instead of being with their kids, they can be used without harming kids, and NO ONE thinks you're a bad mom. I only wish you had my in laws who tell me I'm the best mom ever all the time. I cherish that support. I understand feeling like a bad mom and I am so sorry that coming here has made you feel that way. You rock. We all think so.
Lauren

[Foobar]

Lara-

I'm a little late coming in to this thread, but I wanted to let you know that you are doing a great job. I was crying to my DH one day about how I feel about WOH PT and he said he feels the same way! (Although he works fulltime). It was as if I suddenly realized that I can't be perfect at everything (although I try ;) )

Anyway, using a baby device is NOT neglect. You would know neglect if you did it. TRUST ME! Mom's instincts.

Anyway, I hope the meds help. They have helped me a great deal....