Parenting after a loss

[sadie_sabot]

Is anyone else in a similar place to me?

My son died during delivery 2 and a half years ago, and my daughter is a healthy four month old baby. i wasn't too freaked out during pregnancy and birth, though I did have her in the hospital just to be "safe".

Sometimes I get really morbid thoughts, I get really just totally terrified about something happening to dd. I know all moms worry; it's in the job description, but I think that having lost my son i *know* that sh*t can happen and I *know* how it feels. ad I'm very afraid of it happening again. i treasure dd so much and can't stand the thought of losing her!

I'm not like a total wreck or anything. It's just something that happens now and then and I'm wondering if there's others with soimilarexperiences. I am very conscious of not being over-protective of dd.

[Jacque Savageau]

I can totally understand. Poor ds was poked while sleeping more times than I can count :rolleyes: Poor little guy!

I was usually ok, but sometimes I would have very overwhelming thoughts and an almost panic feeling in my heart.

Thank you for starting this discussion. I'm curious to hear what others have experienced.

Parenting after a loss does bring on some interesting challenges. As your children grow there are issues of sharing their sibling with them and incorporating it into your family.

Gently,

Jacque

[Eman'smom]

My situation is different but I understand where you are coming from.
Ds was a very sick newborn and we were told he might not live past two, because of this I still overract to certain things about his health.

Then I get pregnant and miscarry. Dh had to do all the parenting for a while, I couldn't be around him, I know how bad that sounds but all it did was bring up pain about what could have been and what I lost.

I'm now pregnant again and despite the fact that all seems to be going well I still get sinking feelings every now and again.

I think what you are feeling is normal, but I'd encourage you to keep reading and writing about your feelings and if you get worried seek out some help.

Lossing a baby is a very hard thing and it takes time to heal. Not that you get over it, but enough to carry on your life.

[XM]

I am also interested to hear what others have to say on this topic.

I knew when we lost Xiola during birth that it would be a real struggle not to parent our subsequent children out of a place of fear. I know, absolutely, that there are no garantees in life and that I can do all I can and my children may still become hurt or die. So do I freak at every sniffle and wheeze? Do I forbid bike riding, tree climbing, horseback riding? How can I justify limiting my childrens' lives -and my own- simply out of fear? I can't.

I know that it will be a real struggle when this baby arrives to not be overwhelmed by the fear of another loss. But I have to make the effort to contain my issues so they do not affect my children, I don't want them to be penalized by my paranoia because of the sister they lost. I can talk the talk really well now, but watch, my kids will be wrapped in packing foam to protect them when they go outside to play, LOL. I know it's going to be a difficult balance between honoring my comfort zone as a mother living with loss, and honoring their rights to be children unfettered by a tradgedy they had no control over themselves.

I think this is normal for any mother... but for us, we *know* how painful the loss of a child can be, it is more real for us then for most mothers and so of course we'll be thinking about it more. So many mothers comfort themselves with the assumption that the loss of a child cannot happen to them... unfortunately, we know otherwise. I would have laid down my own life to save my daughter... and even the strength of that kind of love could'nt have saved her. That's a very scary thing to live with as a mother... that you can do everything you can for your child and it still may not be enough. But all we can do is try... and hope.

XM

[KatherineinCA]

I've been thinking about this over the last few days. My son died during labor about 3 1/2 months ago. When I think of even trying to get pregnant again (probably not for another 9 months or so), I know that all of this will be such a challenge. How do I prepare myself to be willing to nurture and love a child for whatever amount of time they may be with me? It could be for 10 weeks or 9 months of a pregnancy, or it could be for only 2, 10 or 20 years of their life. Realizing that they can go at any time is a terrifying reality to confront.

I have found myself much more worried about life in general. I am more concerned when my three living children are sick, wondering if they're going to die, too. But I also am worrying about all sorts of little things, with this constant sense of foreboding that another "bad" thing is going to happen. I don't want to be this way. I want to live in peace.

Love,
Katherine

[Clarity]

I think everyone has a different reaction. For me, after facing the "worst" thing that can happen, I am more laid back about a lot of things and less nervous. (people say "is this your first child?" - well, know...but not they way they think. Most people don't let their kids eat cookies off the floor on the first go around. :) ) I just can't live waiting for the bad things to happen or losing the time spent worrying when I could be enjoying what I have. But yes, lots of parents both after losses and intertility, struggle with perfectionism and overprotectiveness...and fear or pessimism. And normal things, like feeling guilty when the baby doesn't sleep or has colic, and you're stressed.

I do find I have very little tolerance for rotten or apathetic parents...like people on daytime talk shows, people at Walmart, etc. When they're people I know, I just can't be around them.

Other people might think things I think about are morbid, but they seem normal to me...a while back I was discussing here how to birth at home if I knew my babe was going to die. I have an old daguerrotype of a deceased baby. Weird, but makes me feel a connection with my ancestors who also lost babies. My babies ashes are still in my home. I have Jizo memorial buddhas for them too. Pretty darn morbid to most people.
The book The Long-Awaited Stork : A Guide to Parenting After Infertility -- Ellen Sarasohn Glazer addresses some of this. I think some of my loss books do too...I'll see if I can find one.

Pregnancy After a Loss by Lanham has a chapter, so does Trying Again by Douglas (shorter.) Empty Cradle Boken Heart by Davis is probably the best, has two chapters, one on Protective Parenting (i.e. AP!) as a way to positively channel outselves instead of into overprotectiveness. This might be the best one to look at.

[carmen veranda]

This may be too mrobid to even post. But I going to because I have never told anybody this before.

**********Warning this may be too morbid*****************

************************************************** ***************


Sometimes when I can't sleep I still lay awake and think bad
thoughts. Like how would I tell d ex-husband if our dd was killed in a car accident. Like how I have to plan the younger dd's funerals if anything horrid were to happen to them because their father would just fall apart. Like what it would be like to go to dd's 2nd grade class room and get her things out of her desk. Like how could I live without snuggling in bed with all of them there? Like I wonder how much milk I am still making, would I be uncomfortable if the little died? Here in the light, with me at work, the radio on, this all sounds sooo morbid. But in the night, sometimes I imagine their funerals.
Sorry if this is too weird...

[Jacque Savageau]

Not weird at all. I think all mothers think things like this at times - even more so when we've had a loss.

When ds was born healthy and living I remember sitting on the couch nursing him in front of our HUGE picture window. I kept visualizing him flying through the glass? Not that I felt like or even thought of putting him through it - I think I was so amazed that I was finally at home, nursing my living child that I was overwhelmed.

Like you, my mind has often thought of things like that - planning a funeral, telling sib's and family. I think it's normal as long as we keep perspective on it. carmen veranda, I thought you were going to describe something horrific and graphic:eek That dosn't seem morbid to me at all.

Gently,

Jacque

[TrinitysMama]

Trinity died in-utero at 33 weeks. Lily is now 4 months.

Like Ms. Mom said, Lily gets poked a lot in her sleep. After talking to dh, I found out that he would poke her too whenever he woke up in the middle of the night.

I know that there are some things that I am pretty laid back about. If her paci falls on the floor, I don't rush to disenfect it or anything like that. I just make sure there is no visible dirt LOL. Also, we have never been to a pediatrician and when she has had a fever, I took care of her myself and was completely confident about it.

I absolutely will not vaccinate though. I *know* there is a potential risk with vaxing. Dh's aunt lost her baby as a result of his 2-month vax's. I am very conscious about what I will allow to go in her body. No vax's, no formula, and no antibiotics.

I think I am pretty overprotective when it comes to her medical care. I think a lot of that comes from my major distrust of the medical profession. After all, if I had listened to myself rather than my cnm's with my first pregnancy, Lily's big sister would probably still be here with us.

I think that another parenting issue that comes up after a loss is GUILT. Since the day that Lily was born, I learned exactly what I had been missing with Trinity. Even though I know that there is nothing I can do about it, I feel guilty for being able to parent Lily and not Trinity. I sometimes feel guilty for enjoying Lily so much, rather than continuing to spend my whole existence grieving for Trinity. I haven't been able to go visit her grave since Lily was born. I just can't make myself do it and it tears me up.

[sadie_sabot]

I know what you mean about the vaccinations. that is the thing which scares me the most. But I also think I am going to have to do *some* vaxing. Ugh. I'm not going to do any until I stop breaking out in a cold sweat everytime I think about it!

I don't thin I'm over protective really. mainly it's the morbid thoughts, and my reactions to them. Like, i'll think, what if I drop her down the stairs by accident? and then I'll break out in a sweat and stuff.

boy these big brains can be a problem, eh? I'm always trying to head off morbid thoughts...I have some thing about if I think about things too much it might manifest them.

by the way trinitysmama, my dd is also 4 months.

[sadie_sabot]

so I sometimes feel awkward posting things in this forum about my baby; not wanting to make people feel worse, you know? so since this thread already exists I figure I'll use it to throw some thoughts around.

because I just haven't felt comfortable saying this to anyone. Especially my partner.

My daughter is this absolutely incredible person. she just turned 6 months and she's amazing, and honestly, everyone who interacts with her responds like that, i swear it's not just me being a doting mama. Sometimes I feel like somehow she is so fabulous because of Misha's death; like somehow she got all of his good stuff, in addition to her own. sometimes I feel like I'm really really lucky (and here's where I'm getting unspeakable); like maybe he would have been a really hard child to have, and instead I have the wonderful baby that i have. Because had he lived, i would not have had another child (I've only ever wanted one); so if Misha hadn't died, I'd have never had Natasha.

this feels pretty weird because i am not glad Misha died, you know? I still mourn him.

Can anyone relate to this even a little? And....even if you can't this has been floating around in my head for awhile and thanks for being a space where I can express it safely.