What's next?

[MoonBabiesMomma]

I was 16 weeks pregnant on Monday when I went in for my routine exam. I thought everything had been fine but after an ultrasound we saw that the baby's heart had stopped beating and the baby was not moving--the baby had died. The doctors tell me it was a genetic problem and the baby was not developing normally and there is nothing that could have been done to prevent it.

It was such a shock because I thought I had passed the "magic" 12 week mark when you are suppose to be safe from miscarriage. I even took my 3 year old and my 1 year old to the exam with me so they could hear their new baby brother or sister's heartbeat and they were all excited. I feel so guilty that instead they heard nothing except the dr. tell me the baby was gone and that they had to see me have a breakdown in the ultrasound room when I saw the lifeless baby's image on the monitor.

I had a D&C this morning--3 days after I found out the baby was gone. It was so painful waiting and not knowing what to do or how to feel during that time. Now I am faced with telling everyone, especially my 3 year old that our baby is gone. I told her that the baby was sick and could not be born but she keeps asking me if I am crying about my baby and says she wants the baby to be born and wants to hold it. I do not know what else to tell her and I am trying so hard not to be so sad in front of her. My 1 year old is too young to understand but I am sure she knows something is wrong.

We do not even know if the baby was a boy or a girl so I can't even give him/her a name. They said they sent the baby to the pathology lab and I was very upset by this. I just wanted closure and for him or her to rest in peace.

Does anyone have any thoughts on how to remember or memorialize such a loss? I feel like I need to do something but I do not know what that is. Any other advice would be appreciated as I have no idea how to handle any of this.
Thank you.

[Jacque Savageau]

Lara, I'm so very sorry you lost your precious baby.

Your in shock now and yoru melt down in the ultrasound room is totally understandable.

Your poor daughter. She's so confussed about the baby and why her mommy is so sad. I read a story once where a grandmother took a rose bud and explained to her young granddaugher how some flowers bloom into beautifull flowers and others for reasons unknown, never bloom. That the baby inside her mommy was unable to live in our world. Nobody knows exactly why, but everyone is sad because they wanted and loved the baby very much.

You asked for some ways to memorialize your child. I would suggest you make a memory book and wright down your thoughs about the baby and the joy you and your family felt knowing he was there. Many mothers find planting a tree in the baby's name comforting. Find something that symbolizes your baby - like a fairy, angle, butterfly, rainbow. Use that symbol as a private reminder of the love you felt for your child.

This is an especially hard time to loose a child. Please be gentle with yourself. Be aware of what you can handle during the holiday season. Take care of your health; eat good foods, drink plenty of wather, and exercise (when you feel up to it).

If you need something from family or friends - ask! Most people don't know what to say or do, but are willing to listen to what you need.

I'll hold you in my thoughts.

[abimommy]

I cannot imagine your pain.....

I am sure your family wants desperatly to be there for you...sometimes it can be so hard to know what someone would want in such a situation.

you can go to www.starregistry.com and have a star named for your little one.....that is what dh and I did for our neice...we gave the papers to my BIL and SIL and they really loved it.

A lot of people find comfort in creating a garden for their child....

[Julie]

I'm so sorry for your loss I know words dont help any at this stage but {{{{HUGS}}}}
I found planting a tree helped, Sometimes I go sit under the tree to be near my lost one. Looking back I wish I had kept a journal of my thoughts and feelings, a way to express my Saddness (and Rage) Join a support group, it does help to have other who understand this special pain and who offer a shoulder to cry on. Use that shoulder its there to help. Find some one you can vent at, because you will need someone to yell at, it helps. And remember that is Really does happen for a reason, It was important for your baby to have this little bit of love and always remember you gave your baby all the love it needed.

If you need to talk or to vent or anything pm me.

[Sierra]

{{{{{{{{MoonBabiesMomma}}}}}}}}

[milky smiles]

(((((((hugs))))))) your post made me cry....i can't fathom how horrible you must feel, I'm so sorry :(

[Jacque Savageau]

I have to agree. Joining a support group is a wonderful way to move through your greif.

We found one at our local hospital that was helpfull. But I also found SHARE and The Pregnancy and Infant Loss Center VERY helpfull. They have a monthly newsletter full of stories and information. Let me know if you'd like the information and I'll post some links.

Writing is a WONDERFUL way to heal. You can move through so much. I wrote a lot of poetry after I lost my daughter and it really guided me.

Wishing you all a gentle Thanksgiving.

[jordmoder]

MoonBabiesMama-

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. A very similar thing happened to me in May - I was 13 weeks. What helped and comforted me was the knowledge that my child had the wisdom and love to know that for whatever reason it wasn't the right time to be born for her (I think she was a girl - I don't know) And that it was a blessing to have had her under my heart for the time I did have her.

My DS was 19 months at the time, and wasn't too openly affected by this (even though he was in the ultrasound room too...) I think the suggestions given by these other wise mamas are good for helping your 3 year old if not understand your sadness, at least know that sad things happen but that she and you and the baby are all right.

If you can open your heart to sorrow, your pain will lessen...

much gentleness

Barbara

[MoonBabiesMomma]

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for sharing your stories and suggestions with me. It is comforting (although so very sad) to know that at least I am not the only one who has had this happen to them. Your words of encouragement, sympathy and inspiration are so very much appreciated. I am so glad that this forum exists.

Abimommy-Your idea about naming a star really warmed my heart. It is just the kind of thing I was searching for but could not find.

Ms. Mom-the idea of using something like a fairy or angel as a private symbol to think of the baby is so beautiful and so very helpful in my circumstance.

jordmoder and Julie-Thank you for sharing your stories

I am so very sorry that you all had to lose a special baby, too.

milky smiles and Sierra-your hugs were so sweet

All of the other ideas and suggestions are helping me focus on ways to heal my heart and to help my daughters understand--instead of being lost in a sea of pain and seeing no way out. For this I thank you.

[Jacque Savageau]

I was glad to here from you again Moonbabiesmom. I thought of you a yesterday and was wondering how you were handling the holiday.

Your pain is so deep right now. Your in our thoughts.

[kcstwinangels]

I can feel your pain as I have been through a similar loss, except that I went all the way through my pregnancy before my babies died.
All I can tell you is to do what you feel will help you heal. This is going to take some time and the baby will never be forgotten. He/she will be in your heart forever, watching over you.
Talk with someone about your loss. What really helped me get through my loss was my family, my friends and finding a counselor to discuss it with, someone neutral who you can share everything with.
If you ever want to talk, please feel free to e-mail me. I know that this is a very difficult time for you. You may even want to have a memorial service for them. Just a private family memorial, releasing balloons and writing notes on those balloons about how you felt about your baby. That is something that also helped me cope a little better.
May God Bless you and you are in my thoughts and prayers.