I feel like I'm drowning

[icare4much]

Yesterday I finally hit bottom with a major meltdown. I suppose I should intro myself first since I haven't posted before. I'm a SAHM of 4 children (7,6,2 and 5 mos). I've been desperately trying to hold it all together and I just can't do it anymore.

I went to the doctor in January and had my thyroid tested and it came back fine. He said I was sleep deprived and to try to get more rest and to exercise. Well getting more rest is simply not an easy option. We do not have any family nearby and my attempt to rejuvenate myself by spending the winter break w/ the kids at my parents was a total bust. More stress and no rest.

The few friends I have I simply cannot admit that I've failed at managing this too. They are pretty much oblivious to the extent of it even though I have mentioned that I think I have the "baby blues". When I told them I just don't feel like being around people they have respected that and left me alone. Probably not the best thing for me but I just can't cope with the demands and needs of others.

I have none of the awful thoughts about my children or myself. My anger gets vented on my poor husband who finally has recognized that this is something I can't "snap out of". I actually have the most peace when holding or nursing my baby.

What kind of things should I be asking my doctor tomorrow? What kind of anti-depressants are safe to take while nursing? Is there any other way to get through this besides meds? I never take meds for anything.

Thanks for listening to my ramble I needed to put this somewhere. Seeing it in words before me is so hard. I feel like such a failure as a Mom, a wife and a woman of God.

[Jish]

First of all, don't feel like a failure. Depression is a chemical imbalance, not a personal flaw. Go to the sticky at the top of the thread and find the test for PPD. Take it, print it out, and take it to the doctor with you. That way you have it to refer to and it should answer most of the doctor's questions.

It is thought that the SSRI's are all safe for breastfeeding, with Zoloft commonly thought to be the safest. I am on Lexapro right now and it has made such an amazing diffrence in my life. I'm hoping to be able to go off of it and get pregnant again one of these days, but I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that my depression is likely something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life.

I think someone posted here about B12 and zinc being good for depression also. Keep us posted on how things are going for you.

[motherkins]

You are so not a failure! My favorite quote is one by Roseanne Barr (or whatever her name is now) in which she says "When my husband comes home, and the kids are still alive, then I've done my job." You know something isn't right and are looking into getting help. That is way more insightful than I was after my first and having ppd.

Are you able to afford to see a therapist? It may be a way to get help and avoid taking medication until you are evaluated by a mental health professional. Medication doesn't have to be the first treatment, but don't be afraid of taking it either. There are just more issues you'll have to deal with when medication gets started (side effects, etc) that maybe you could delay. Just a suggestion.

I hope it goes well for you tomorrow. :hug

[Jish]

How did it go, icare?

[MOmama]

Time for your self. Insisting on doing your grocery shopping by yourself when hubby can be with the kids so you don't have to worry about who is taking care of them.

I had a real tough time with ppd and I found that I am a better Mom when I have a little me time. It is almost like by being a Mom I lost my identity as a person.

I went back to work part time, I'm sure with 4 that is not a realistic solution but pick some kind of activity to do once or twice a week where you can be out of the house by yourself. Things will look sooo much clearer.

[icare4much]

Thanks Ladies.

Well we the doctor agreed that we should try some meds. He had really been hoping that I'd turned a corner since we did the thyroid testing in January. He was very happy that I came in. I'm taking 10mg of Paxil for the next 2 weeks and then we will re-evaluate. I get pretty zonked from over the counter meds so we hope that this low dose will help.

My dh has been doing some reading about ppd and is doing the best he can to help. He told me today to concentrate on getting rest when I can and not to worry about laundry and housework.

I am part of another board and I've been struggling on whether or not to share this with my "imaginary friends" there. I finally decided to take a leap and do so and they have been so very supportive. I was also amazed at the number of women who have been touched by some form of depression not necessarily ppd.

It's so nice to be able to seek the support of strangers. My pride and shame have yet to allow me to talk to my real life friends and family about this. I have been debating speaking to the counsellor at our church. One step at a time I guess.

:eek

[Abylite]

Hello..I'm a little late to post but I wanted to say welcome and I hope things get better for you. The other ladies said things so beautifully. You are welcome here and feel free to vent anytime.

[Foobar]

I just want to repeat that you are not a failure.

I am glad you are getting help. If you decide to talk to someone at your church, trust that more people understand this than you think....

[SarahShrader]

I just want to say that you are amazing for your strength! I have a 6 month old and I have been on the lowest dose of Zoloft since he was two weeks old. I am so much better for it- I had REALLY bad depression during those first two weeks, I felt like I was in a black hole. Horrible anxiety as well. I am nursing and things are fine; my little guy is perfectly healthy.

Hang in there. You are so strong!

:)

[mama2girls]

icare, I hope that things are getting better. It takes awhile for the meds to take effect--don't look for immediate results. That's the bad news. The good news is you WILL feel better, more like yourself and less stressed and cranky! I just switched to Zoloft from Paxil, which I've been on since 10/00 when dd#1 was 4 mo old. I really love the way I feel on this new med. I am not nearly as angry and overwhelmed. Hang in there, it'll pick up and get better. Keep posting to let us know how it's going...

:hug

[mrsinchworm]

Hello....I am a new Mom (dd is 11 days old) and I think I am struggling with post partum depression to a certain extent. I had a very difficult birth including having to be taken to a nearby hospital from the birthcenter where I gave birth to a very healthy little girl and because of severe tears inside and out I had to get a spinal and it took the doc 3 hours to sew me up and then I had to have a blood transfusion and spend 3 days in the hospital barely able to care for Rayne. Anyway...I thought once I get home I wouldn't have these anxiety attacks or feelings of not sure I can do this. I hate being scared I won't be able to be a good Mom or even sometimes feeling I don't want to be...which is absurd cause I know I do and I know I love my daughter immensely. Anyone else feel like this and what did you do about it that helped (besides drugs)? Thanks
Shilowe

[QueeTheBean]

Sorry to hear about your traumatic birth--I'm sure it was a big letdown compared to what you imagined it would be.

Your feelings seem pretty normal considering what you went through! I think some of those feelings are probably normal even with the ideal birth. I had one "bad" birth and one fantastic one, and still had ambivalent feelings afterwards with both.

I'm guessing this is your first? It is such a major event--going from being woman to being mama. Your hormones are probably all whacky & I'm guessing you are also not getting enough sleep--right? All of this can make you feel crazy & emotional & out of control. I know I was like that with both kids to some extent. I think the problem comes in if it continues on for weeks at a time, or if you find yourself unable to get through the day & care for your baby now. Do you have any support?

I often tried to get through1 hour at a time. Treat yourself to a hot shower. Let people take care of you--don't do too much. It is tough, but should get easier. If not, you should think about getting some help.

[mama2girls]

What a frightening experience that must have been! DJ put it well, but I will add these words: When you are making a list of things to do each day, make sure that "feed baby, change baby, rock baby, and get some rest" are at the top. Those are the most important things to accomplish each day. :hug :love

[SarahShrader]

I can completely relate; my little guy had a collapsed lung when he was born and I was a complete mess for awhile. When we got home it didn't get better. I couldn't sleep because I had such terrible anxiety. It was truly one of the hardest times in my life. I would call your doc/midwife and chat with them; if you're still feeling bad after two weeks post partum, it is prob time to get some help.

Let me know how it goes. You're NOT alone in this.

Sarah

[mrsinchworm]

Hi again....seems the emotional lows are directly related to my sleep deprivation. I still get down even when I'm not tired, but not to the extent. Now we have to figure out why our little Rayne is projectile vomiting everytime I breast feed her. We just got her to latch on yesterday with the aid of a lactation consultant and I've breast fed her 3 times and each time she has vomited. And I cry everytime she does. Now I'm afraid to breast feed until I talk to the consultants again so I'm back to using the bottle. She doesn't_vomit as often with that.
I am sorry to hear about your son being born with a collapsed lung....that must have been so scary. I am very thankful that everything was fine with Rayne and will be even more thankful when we figure out this vomiting stuff. Yesterday was a rough day...very little sleep and very weepy. I'll be glad when this post partum stuff goes away. Hope everyone is doing well...take care,
Shilowe

[SarahShrader]

mrsinch, it sounds so hard for you right now! it will get better. i remember those 1st six weeks being so hard. hang in there!