I'm in desperate need of some advice. My daughter turned 3 in March. She has always been a big pacifier girl (her binky). Slowly we weaned down to her only using it for going to bed (she hasn't napped for a year now). Well in the past couple months, she started asking for it to lay down and rest. And in the last couple weeks, every time she gets upset (which is a lot lately) she asks for it to "settle down with". She will cry for a long time unless I give in and give it to you.

One reason I really, really want to get rid of it is because the dentist has said her top front teeth are starting to come forward (which I can see) but that if we stop using it, the teeth will go back to normal. We've talked about this. She has agreed in times of feeling okay, but quickly reverts back when she is very upset.

I don't know what to do. Please help me. We were doing so well only using it at bedtime and now I feel like we've backpeddled a thousand steps.

I am very supportive of her when she is crying and upset. I just don't want this artificial thing to be her only comfort anymore.

I should also mention that I was due with #2 a couple days ago. Yes, I realize this could be affecting her, but at the same time, i dont' want to backpeddle on this issue. Can I avoid it somehow?

Also, I'm thinking about #2 and how I am wondering if it's such a good idea to use a pacifier with him? Lauren nursed until she self weaned at 2.5. She was never one to nurse for comfort though. She used to get REALLY mad when I would nurse her if she wasn't hungry. Around 6 weeks I gave in and gave her a pacifier (she was exceptionally colicky and my husband was in Iraq) and it made a lot of difference.

Any advice on all of this? I am feeling really worried about how this is going and how to handle it all. I appreciate any and all advice. TIA.

I would not try to do anything until #2 is at least a few months old. It would be devastating to #1 to loose her comfort system and her mommy's attention at the same time. Perhaps you could talk to her about how it is affecting her teeth and talk to her about getting something else to cuddle with instead of the binky? She might like to pick something out at the mall, like a bear or a doll or a blankie? That Build a bear store might be a fun idea. You could plan a "going away party" for the binky with presents and cake and all, to celebrate her move away from it? Include her in the planning so she knows that it is going away and why. Let her have it for now, until the babe is sleeping and eating well enough for you to be able to concentrate some attention back on her.

As for giving #2 a pacifier, I swore I was not going to give my dd a pacifier. Then, she got colicky 10 hours a day and the doc recommended a pacifier since my boobs could not handle being sucked on all day long. It worked and she used it quite a lot until she was 1 when I just stopped fetching them after they were lost. (I would throw them away when I found them during cleaning.) Eventually, she did not have any left but she had learned that she did not need them anyway.

In the Australian magazine Natural Parenting, there was an article explaining why pacifier are emotionaly harmful. The article made so much sense to me that I got rid of the pacifier of my youngest that day. It is called "dummy" in AU.

You can find the link to the article here:

http://www.naturalparenting.com.au/index.php?id=225&no_cache=1

You may have to sign up or order the issue. Anyway, your girl needs to cry.
By giving babies pacifier we teach to supress tears. The result is the the child becomes addicted to putting something in the mouth when flooded with uncomfortable emotions. Today the pacifier tomorrow the cigaret, sugar or drugs. Also, the stress or sadness do not find a way out. She needs to be listened to, held and loved while she cries. she is not crying because of needing the pacifier. She has some stress that must be expressed and listened to.

Once the #2 is here, if she cannot fully express herself she will likely be aggressive toward the baby at some point. If you cannot get your hands on that article, read Dr. Aldort's book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves.
There is a lot there about siblings jealousy, the need to cry, and how to deal with these kindly and effectively. The whole book is incredible. It will save you much trouble. Also get the CDs Babies and Toddlers to Tame or to Trust which you can get on AuthenticParent.com. I fear for your and your daughter.
I highly recommend that you do not start on a pacifier with the baby. It will do the same harm to the baby, and your daughter will use it for even longer.

I hope you get these CDs and book, because they will save you so much trouble, I just cannot tell you.

I mean this respectfully, but your dentist is a quack. Sucking on a pacifier (or thumb or anything else) does *not* mis-align teeth. That is a myth.

I admit that I am very pro-pacifier (I think they should make them for adults!), but sucking is a basic human desire and it is not harmful.

I think you should let your baby keep her binky. It brings her pleasure and it doesn't hurt her.

AE, I wonder how that theory would apply to BFing?

Tammyw, I feel you. DC didn't even start using a pacifier until she was 2.5 (no longer nursing) and still has it now at 5 years. We have pretty strict boundaries about it because we just started with them when she showed interest in a pacifier. What I've noticed is that asking for the pacifier during times that it normally isn't used is a good way for DC to test boundaries. For her, I really don't think that it's even that much about wanting it (although this is part of it) as it is about figuring the whole boundary thing out.

But, I'm also really flexible about boundaries. For instance, we have the pacifier for sleep and resting/snuggling. I try to view it as a substitute for nursing...except for the fact that she is allowed to have it when she's tired during a car ride (we drive rarely).

Anyway, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. I think you should try to be a tad more flexible AND a tad more consistent...if that makes any sense. : )

Or, if you're all under major stress with a new baby coming, maybe just let the thing go and deal with it in 6 months. I hope you're feeling well with your pregnancy and I wish your family a happy birth!

In the Australian magazine Natural Parenting, there was an article explaining why pacifier are emotionaly harmful. The article made so much sense to me that I got rid of the pacifier of my youngest that day. It is called "dummy" in AU.

You can find the link to the article here:

http://www.naturalparenting.com.au/index.php?id=225&no_cache=1

You may have to sign up or order the issue. Anyway, your girl needs to cry.
By giving babies pacifier we teach to supress tears. The result is the the child becomes addicted to putting something in the mouth when flooded with uncomfortable emotions. Today the pacifier tomorrow the cigaret, sugar or drugs. Also, the stress or sadness do not find a way out. She needs to be listened to, held and loved while she cries. she is not crying because of needing the pacifier. She has some stress that must be expressed and listened to.

Once the #2 is here, if she cannot fully express herself she will likely be aggressive toward the baby at some point. If you cannot get your hands on that article, read Dr. Aldort's book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves.
There is a lot there about siblings jealousy, the need to cry, and how to deal with these kindly and effectively. The whole book is incredible. It will save you much trouble. Also get the CDs Babies and Toddlers to Tame or to Trust which you can get on AuthenticParent.com. I fear for your and your daughter.
I highly recommend that you do not start on a pacifier with the baby. It will do the same harm to the baby, and your daughter will use it for even longer.

I hope you get these CDs and book, because they will save you so much trouble, I just cannot tell you.

Ayala, I will respectfully disagree with you on this point. Children naturally have a strong sucking instinct. It certainly isn't emotionally harmful, it is a coping mechanism. The sucking instinct usually disappears between 2 and 7 years of age. There isn't a correlation between binky usage and cigarette smoking, for certain.

Today the pacifier tomorrow the cigaret, sugar or drugs.

I think this is a bit extreme. Although it did make for a nice morning chuckle. Not just that pacifiers are gateway drugs, but that sugar gets lumped in with drugs and cigarettes. Oh, that evil sugar.

Anyway, I think the idea that pacifiers can cause malformation of the teeth, gumline, and bone structure is pretty old school.

Babies and toddlers have a need to suck. Its not about releasing pent up emotions (although it may help comfort) - even if they did not have any emotions, they would still need to suck, and some babies more than others, which can be really hard on the mother's nipples.

I agree with a PP who said don't try to make any changes til the sibling is older and she feels secure again. She seems to need more comfort right now, and the pacifier is what she is choosing. You can try to meet her needs for comfort in other ways, as well, but I don't think there is anything concerning about her increased need for the pacifier.

Moving this to childhood years

Ok we had a major binky user here too. I would liken his obsession with binkies to that of a crack addict. It was BAD!:lol


Your dentist is not a quack. We had the same problem with my ds's teeth being pulled forward and they did go back to normal a few months after we stopped using the binky. Before that there was a huge space just the size of the binky. He looks like he has fangs in alot of pictures because his top teeth were pulled so far forward you could not see them when he smiled. It was not so much the sucking I think but the intensity with which he sucked. When breastfeeding or bottle taking his sucking was never as hard as that with the binky. With #2 when he was asleep the binky would just pop out, with #1 that thing was in there tight.

This happened after #2 was already here and I think it might be better to wait until then as well as a PP said. You don't want her to lose her comfort object as well as her mother. However if there are months to go before your second is due, it might be ok to try and get her off of it now when you can totally focus on her and her needs.

My son did cry the first two nights when he woke up, but since we co-sleep I was able to soothe him and remind him that it was bad for his teeth and it was ok. Eventually after a few nights he didn't wake up anymore.

We talked to him and also let the dentist talk to him. And we put all the binkies out for the binky fairy who was bringing them to babies who needed them and the fairy left him a new lovey to sleep with.

Hang in there.

My DD never took a paci - but believe me, I tried!!! I agree with maybe waiting til after new baby though - my DD is now 4 and DS is almost 3 weeks old and DD has adopted one of his pacifiers and sucks on it when I am nursing DS!

My niece on the other hand, was a binkie junkie - had to have it everywhere. My SIL got the best advice ever. Cut the nipple. The next time her DD sucked it, "uh oh! It's broken!" and that was that - her DD was 3-1/2 BTW. We were amazed that she gave it up so easily because she was really attached to it.

We just recently managed to completely get rid of :blah 's binky. It was a very long hard journey though. When she was 2.5 we limited it to bedtime, car and couch, then only bedtime and car. She did great with that for a while but then began to regress and have it ALL THE TIME. If she would have limited it to bed only we probably would have still allowed her to have it but she refused...and the reason it needed to go was b/c it was affecting her speech. She's been binky free for a few months now and her speech issues are basically gone now.

First I would wait until #2 has come and she is OK with their presence. Then what we did was poke holes in them and "lose" all buit one of them. WE told her when that one was gone, it was gone...no more binkys. I also told her that I would take her to Build-a-Bear and she could put her binky inseide of one to have with her always. After about a week her binky completely broke and that was it...she had a rough night or 2 but we had been talking about it so much that she did great. 3 days later we went to Build-a-Bear and put her nbinkys inside a Koala named Skyla (we bought new ones to put in) She has been completely fine since then.

As far as #2...:bouncy never really took one...her jerk father tried to push it on her and she took it a little but only from 4 months - 10 months and then wanted nothing to do with it.

I mean this respectfully, but your dentist is a quack. Sucking on a pacifier (or thumb or anything else) does *not* mis-align teeth. That is a myth.

I admit that I am very pro-pacifier (I think they should make them for adults!), but sucking is a basic human desire and it is not harmful.

I think you should let your baby keep her binky. It brings her pleasure and it doesn't hurt her.

I agree. According to dd's dentist, some children just have a really strong need to suck and will often start sucking their thumbs if their binkies are taken away before they are ready. He says that thumbsucking is far more damaging to the teeth and developing jaws than a binky because of the slight pressure that the thumb puts on the back of the front upper teeth. Basically, over time, he says that pressure can cause the teeth to move, not unlike the way that braces do. For this reason, he strongly *dis*couraged us from taking dd's binky away before she was ready.

FTR, dd (5.5 yo) just gave up her binky at night a few weeks ago. Despite all of the dire predictions, her teeth are fine AND she nursed like a pro until she was almost 4.5. She also does not have a weight problem (if anything she doesn't eat enough,) and she doesn't put inappropriate things in her mouth. My only regret about the binky is that I think that it had a negative effect on her ability to say certain sounds, but she is getting better at that as she grows.

All of this is a long way of saying that, if I were the OP, I would not press the child about the binky, especially when a new baby is coming.

the double post fairy strikes again. sorry.

Ayala, I will respectfully disagree with you on this point. Children naturally have a strong sucking instinct. It certainly isn't emotionally harmful, it is a coping mechanism. The sucking instinct usually disappears between 2 and 7 years of age. There isn't a correlation between binky usage and cigarette smoking, for certain.

Well, have you read that article? Can you really know that it is emotionally not harmful? Where is your research coming from? You know, it has been sceintifically proven!!! The link to cigarets and other oral addiction too, how do you know better than researchers?

The need to suck is cared for by breastfeeding. So you are right, without the breast, the pacifier may be a good substitute, but not if we teach a child to use it instead of feeling her emotions. It is easy to think that the baby needs to suck when she may really need to cry. We give her the pacifier and she learns, "when I want to cry, I should suck."

There is a lot of evidence for the harm of the pacifier. Believe what you want. It doesn't change the evidence.

We have boobs. Babies aren't born with pacifier. nature doesn't think they need it. It doesn't grow on trees. I raise four children without it. They know to cry, to feel, and to recover. I can say a lot more, but it will get too long. Let me just say, I will never know anything for sure. These are my thoughts and the research I have read. You can have yours and I invite you not to be so sure that you really know.

I don't agree that letting a child suck a paci when they are crying makes them want to eat or smoke when they are adults and upset. Interesting theory though.

My ds is almost 4 and still using the binky. He was breastfed but self weaned at about a year. He uses his binky at night mostly. But as far as him wanting it when he's upset, I give it to him. If I was still breastfeeding him, I'd let him nurse if he was sad or tired, so why not let him suck on his binky, if that's what comforts him? Sure I'd rather it have been my breast than the paci the past few years, but that need is being fullfilled with the paci, and cuddles from me. I figure he'll only be little for a short while longer...

And yes, his teeth are pushed forward. But my mom took my paci from me at age 2.5 and I needed braces anyway (and all my siblings), spaces in my teeth and a big overbite. As did dh. So braces seem inevitable regardless of the paci.

Neither one of my kids took pacifiers. But my mom said when I was 3 she made me throw mine out the car window while driving down the road (yes I was a littlerbug). It worked! I knew it was gone and couldn't get it back. I think she said I cried for a while and then got over it in a few days.

I also don't think sucking on pacifier will make the permanent teeth come in crooked like the baby teeth are. I've never seen it before anyway.:wink

I'm pretty convinced a binky will move the teeth, but if it's not going to affect the overall jaw like thumb-sucking, I don't see the big deal. Personally I think with a new baby coming, 3yo is just not that old to be still enjoying that comfort. Aim to be rid of it by the time the permanent teeth are coming.

I would probably try to gently wean the child from the paci in the same way I gently weaned my child from the breast - one feeding (or usage) at a time, with time to get used to the new order of things before losing another.

As to whether or not sucking on a pacifier later leads to an oral fixation that can only be sated with cigarettes, drugs, what have you, child development experts will tell you that a need not fulfilled in childhood lingers into adulthood. Therefore, it would seem to me that the premature weaning of a child off his or her pacifier would cause a problem while allowing a child to fully sate his or her need to suck on something would do just the opposite. I've got no scientific evidence to back me up, though. Just logic.

Shel - kind of funny you say that, as MIL says the reason she smokes is because her mother never breastfed her.

Somewhat OT,

But have any of you seen the teens who walk around with pacifiers in their mouths. or the ones that obsessively suck lollipops/chew gum? maybe there is something to this oral fixation concern? Or maybe it is because they weren't BF, or maybe their moms took away their binkies before they were ready....? :p

Well, have you read that article? Can you really know that it is emotionally not harmful? Where is your research coming from? You know, it has been sceintifically proven!!! The link to cigarets and other oral addiction too, how do you know better than researchers?

The need to suck is cared for by breastfeeding. So you are right, without the breast, the pacifier may be a good substitute, but not if we teach a child to use it instead of feeling her emotions. It is easy to think that the baby needs to suck when she may really need to cry. We give her the pacifier and she learns, "when I want to cry, I should suck."


Just because one article "proves" one theory, doesn't make it fact. anecdotally, i was a HUGE pacifier user until about age 3. i have never smoked, nor felt the need to smoke. No oral addictions that i'm aware of. And, i can cry at the drop of a hat, and am very very very capable of expressing myself fully.

I just can't fathom that this theory could be applied in a blanket way across the board for babies. some babies need to suck more than others. My dd never wanted a pacifier- we tried them all. She found her thumb around 8 weeks of age & never looked back. She uses it when she's tired & to settle herself when she's finished crying & expressing herself quite fully. :shrug:

Somewhat OT,

But have any of you seen the teens who walk around with pacifiers in their mouths. or the ones that obsessively suck lollipops/chew gum? maybe there is something to this oral fixation concern? Or maybe it is because they weren't BF, or maybe their moms took away their binkies before they were ready....? :p

AFAIK, pacifiers are considered drug paraphanalia when used by teens.
From http://www.focusas.com/Ecstasy.html:
What are other signs of use? . . . Possessing a baby pacifier, a pacifier made of candy, lollipops, and candy necklaces. Some club drugs cause the users to clench their teeth tightly which causes discomfort. The pacifier eliminates this discomfort.

QUOTE: You know, it has been sceintifically proven!!!


Yeah, I might buy this if scientifically was spelled correctly.

Plus, you don't "prove" things using science. You test hypotheses and build a body of evidence. The whole concept of "proof" is overblown.

Show me a significant body of evidence that binkies lead to cigarette smoking, and I'll read through it and lyk what I think. I doubt seriously there's much there.

To the OP: I would let your child have her binky when she wants it. Huge changes are afoot, and her binky brings her comfort. Maybe after your baby is a year old or so, you can work on getting rid of it. But right now is probably not the best time.

Both of my kids have binkies, mostly b/c their dad slings them for naps and bedtimes and he's always pushed the binkies on them. If they don't fall asleep that way, they nurse to sleep....which is the world's most natural binky. :)

The need to suck is cared for by breastfeeding. So you are right, without the breast, the pacifier may be a good substitute, but not if we teach a child to use it instead of feeling her emotions. It is easy to think that the baby needs to suck when she may really need to cry. We give her the pacifier and she learns, "when I want to cry, I should suck."

There is a lot of evidence for the harm of the pacifier. Believe what you want. It doesn't change the evidence.

How is nursing for comfort any different than a paci if your argument is that we are teaching them "when I want to cry, I should suck." To me, it would still send that message. You are providing something to suck when they cry be it paci or breast.

The article is no longer linked properly so I can't read it. Ive read similar and I think their "evidence" is shotty. The basis of AP is also not "scientific" as far as I can tell. I think some of the principles are good, but I do not believe that we are making "decisions" in babyhood or during our birth that affect our lives. Nor does it make ANY sense that a child would do drugs because they had a paci. How in the world could that ever be scientifically proven? There are a zillion sociological variables there. You could never do a decent study on that or isolate that variable.

I've heard AP parents refer to the way AP kids turn out over and over again as "evidence" for AP. However, I would posit that ANY parents who care enough to subscribe to a parenting philosophy, read about parenting, and post on message boards about how to be a better parent are already 100x more conscientious than 99% of the parents out there. I work in a public school and the majority of my parents don't even think about how to be a parent, feed their kids cheetos every night, let the TV raise them, and are wrapped up in their own lives. Its hardly fair to compare AP kids to the average kids because clearly anyone who is trying to practice AP at least gives a damn. Does that make sense?

Not everything is some emotional drama for our little ones that will set the course of their adult life. When my DD cries, I comfort her. She has a sucking reflex. One could just as easily make the argument that sucking breastmilk every time she's upset could make an association that she should eat when she is upset. Of course that's hogwash, but it follows the same new age logic.

Our babies were not born with pacis. But they were also not born with slings, swings, blankets, or anything else for that matter. If my daughter is more comfortable swaddled or sucking a paci because it stimulates a deep calming reflex in her, then I think its nice to provide it. Currently, DD does not take a paci, but i would like to acclimate her to one for the car. I cannot breastfeed her when I'm driving. She wasn't born with a car seat either....but she benefits from that too.

XOXO
Beth

How is nursing for comfort any different than a paci if your argument is that we are teaching them "when I want to cry, I should suck." To me, it would still send that message. You are providing something to suck when they cry be it paci or breast.

Our babies were not born with pacis. But they were also not born with slings, swings, blankets, or anything else for that matter. If my daughter is more comfortable swaddled or sucking a paci because it stimulates a deep calming reflex in her, then I think its nice to provide it.

:yeah:

Our daughter never took a pacifier (hated all artificial nipples really) and I would have dearly loved her to be able to take one when we were driving. Or in the 18th middle of the night waking when she was teething. She reversed cycled and nurses more when she teethes.

To the OP: Our son took a pacifier -- like you we limited it to night time and car rides. And then the slow creep began. We made a deal that he could only have the pacifier if he were upstairs (i.e. not playing) or snuggling on our laps. He'd sit on the top stair with his pacifier and blanket (we only have 5 steps, so it wasn't far), talk to me while I was cooking/in the living room, and then after a few minutes, recover enough to go play.

When he was 4, his daycare insisted he give it up for naps. He was fine with it (he never napped anyway!). We'd been talking to him about giving it up in the new year, but not pushing hard. And then one day we lost the last one. Seriously. He had a tendency to toss them down when he was done, and who knows where it went that time. Dh looked for over an hour with him before they absoluletly had to go in the car. Our son cried a bit that night, but went to sleep fine. Cried a bit the next night. Expressed a bit of sorrow the following night. Several weeks later, he found the missing pacifier in a toy bin, sucked on it twice and never went back. (Since then the pacifier fairies have been scattering them about the house - I've found FOUR -- or maybe we just need to clean more :lol )

Anyway, my point is -- there is still time to give it up. This is a BAD time. When she's older and more able to deal with the momentary stress. I knew it was an OK time for ds because he didn't cry long, he'd given it up at daycare, and he fell asleep just fine without it.

She'll get there, ignore your dentist (who is misinformed from all I've read) and make sure she gets some extra love and cuddle time with you when the new baby comes. In 3 years, you won't remember that you stressed about this!