Do you want to ttc but your partner doesn't??

[its_our_family]

I guess I'm just looking for someone to vent with who won't think I'm horrible for wanting to and not think that dh is horrible because he doesn't!

So, if you fit into this "tribe" PLEASE let me know!!! :D

[Chelly2003]

For the longest time I would have fit in here just perfectly!

My DS is 3 1/2 and I wanted to try for another baby when he was 2 years old....
Only now has Dh come around and decided that he is ready for another baby.......... I'm a little frustrated at how long it took him, as well as the fact that I wanted to space my kiddies a little closer together.
But at least we're trying now - if a year and a half LATE.

Good luck, I hope you don't have to wait as long as I did.

Chelly

[CookieMonsterMommy]

Hey guys....I can relate-DS will be 4 years old on March 18th, and well, in my ideal life I'd be ready to pop or nursing a little one right now. But I must wait... :( And it makes me sad because I really wanted them to be close, you know? Now we're talking about waiting another 2, 3 YEARS (!!) before TTC (and who knows how long that will take?!?!), so they'll be at least 7 years appart! (and that's if I get pg right away!)....By the time DS turns 7, I had wanted to be working on #4. Anyways, I guess I needed to vent about that. It's honestly causing a fair share of stress in the relationship. I kinda feel like I'm putting my life on pause, you know? Aggghhhh! Thanks for listening.
Best Wishes, Kelly

[sarahmae1]

I would've fit here until just this past month. I finally got my dh to start trying w/ me... but I don't think we were succesful this month. At any rate, I can understand how you feel.

[OhMel]

I'm not ready yet, but dh says so often how he only wants one, that I'm getting anxious. I know I want the munchkin to have a sibling. I'm not sure if he's ever going to change his mind. It makes me very sad. :(

[its_our_family]

My dh just want to go through another pregnancy. We talked before we were married about how we adopt and not have biological children. Well, we got pg by accident. Now I want another baby and dh wants to adopt....which we won't be able to do because it is so expensive. I told dh the cost and he got kinda sad...so I'm hoping he'll change his mind. Besides that I recently, after much self evaluation, that I had suffered from mild ppd....which would explain a lot of things.

The hard thing is knowing when I'm fertile...this past week....I know if we wanted to ttc it would have been the "right" time.....it sucks!!

[CookieMonsterMommy]

(sigh).....I would like about 4 kids...BUT he is content with one (our ds). Luckily for me, he's willing to have one more in a few years...I don't know if I'm willing to settle on 2 kids. (the 4 I just chose because of finances...if it weren't for finances, I'd have 6-some bio some adopted). I'm pretty sure I could talk him into a 3rd, but then I know his heart wouldn't be in it, and if we got into a financial (or other) jam, that'd be the 1st thing he'd say to me. I can hear it now-"See Kelly,this is why I didn't want 3 kids. You coulnd't just be happy with 2??" This is causing a LOT of friction (as described above...). Oh well....I guess I'll just deal with it.
Best Wishes, Kelly

PS-Pardon the follwoing, as my son is bored and I'm trying to keep him entertained by letting him click on faces.:banana :splat :coffee :inthet :af :moon :bf :lips :bolt :bang :duh

[its_our_family]

Just seeing how everyone is doing.

I'm making good progress with dh...but then sometimes I'm not. But I think I'm doing more harm than good!

He's starting to see how this pg would be different than the first!

[pumpkin]

This is the first month my DH and I have TTC. We spent a VERY long time with him being hesitant. He is still in school and I can understand his concerns but it was still hard for me.

There were some very real economic realities. Because he is in school DH makes less than it costs us to live in our modest rent-controlled home. I have to work no matter what as long as he is in school. We also knew that we would probably have to pay more for child care than DH makes. But the logical choice of him staying home would have sacrificed many many years towards his PhD.

There were also some very real physical realities. I have some health problems that are linked to infertility. Doc after doc has told me that as soon as I can get my life in a place where I can have children I need to get started trying b/c it could take many years to conceive. Well, we got to that place about 3 years ago. No, we wouldn't have had a lot of money but we could have gotten by. DH just couldn't understand how frustrating it was to have possibile infertility hanging over our heads; letting month after month go by when we could be trying - increasing our odds.

DH finally was started to get used to the idea last year, but then I was diagnosed with cancer. Okay, good thing I wasn't PG. I did my treatment and as of Jan 1 had a go ahead that it was long enough since the radiation that I could TTC. Guess what? DH wasn't ready. I was so frustrated but I knew that we both had to be there for it to happen.

Than last month I went for a checkup with my cancer doc. I thought he would want to be scheduling me for follow-up tests to make sure the cancer is still gone. NOPE. He says my results are so good that I should delay the tests and start making babies while I can. Not only does he think we should TTC but he wanted to start me on fertility testing and treatments immediately. I was in complete shock. After that appt DH and I had a long talk. Neither of us is ready for the long battle of invasive fertility treatments, but frankly, we think the doc may be over-reacting a little bit. (Since my cancer treatment I've been much healthier and the symptoms that pointed towards infertility have diminished) The net result is that DH saw that even with all of the reasons not to have a baby, there were so many more reasons for us to start trying now, especially since the odds are stacked against us.

But you should see his face everytime I get queasy lately. Its the medication I'm taking that's doing it but every time it happens he is more and more paranoid that we got pregnant the very first time we BD. We'll see in another week but my instincts tell me no.

Good luck, I know it is a hard decision for a couple to make.

[LizD]

Yes, this is a painful scene in our house, too. An irreconcilable difference. Puzzling through, is this something to split up over? I would like just one more child, just one, and our lovely daughter is 9. Huge age gap and there are certainly fabulous things about it being just the three of us. My husband never wanted any children and certainly doesn't want more than the one we have (unplanned). As much as I want to be pregnant, I dread it as living through another unplanned pregnancy and/or abortion would send me over the edge completely, and possibly destroy my marriage and family and all that that entails. Yet do I want him to "come around?" Agree for my sake to undertake parenting again, unwillingly? Of course not, but it really does become an issue of who gives in and who gets their way, because, of course, this isn't an issue anyone can be met halfway on. friends and even his family say, "the woman decides these things, just insist." Is that the kind of relationship I want? What about his rights to insist?

I don't criticize him at all for not wanting children, nor do I think it's something wrong with me that I do want more(just one more! :) ), but it is an impasse and how do we navigate these rough waters?

[its_our_family]

i don't know if anyone else will agree but I do not think it is something to split up over. I don't want to have a child that my husband doesn't want either.

When you decide to get married you don't get to pick and choose through what trials you get to go to. Do I think it is right for our husbands to just say NO and not discuss it.....no I don't. I think it is important that they know exactly how we feel. If they don't change their mind then we have to accept it. I don't want to sound like my dh runs over me with his opinions but I love him no matter what...and if I don't want to guilt him into it then I have accept his decision. Of course it would be nice if let me have my way :)

[Katana]

I'm having a really hard time with this right now, and I'm very sad.

I have two kids, a boy, 4 and a girl, 21/2. I want one more. There is no logical or reasonable explanation for wanting a third, I just know in my heart that I want three kids. Dh is fine with two.

I want the third to be close in age to the other two, so for me, that means in the next two years, I want to have one.

Every time I bring it up, dh and I get into an argument. It's mostly money related. We got married young, got pregnant right away, and have always struggled to pay the bills. He's at the point where he wants to play, and have money for another car, go on trips, and stuff like that.

He says when we have more money, we can have another one. Except I know we're never going to have the right amount for him to feel secure.

I don't want to make him have another one. I want him to want another one. Because I don't think it's right to have a baby if he doesn't want it.

So what do I do with my baby lust? And it's the worst when people say, you have a boy and a girl, why do you need another one? I feel like punching them.

I'm sad. :(

[its_our_family]

Allison~~I'm trying to figure out what to do with my baby lust too! I agreet ath I don't want to convince dh of anything...I want him to want it too....

The best thing I have done...and you might not care to do it...i've started praying that dh has a change of heart and I have asked several of my friends that I know are "prayer warriors" to pray also....It seems to be working cause dh has decided that having a second baby is a good idea...just not now...

[Katana]

Hi megan, :wave

Prayer is a great idea. I have been praying for the last few months, that if we're not supposed to have another, that my desire for one will go away. And I've asked some people to pray that too.

People have been praying also that he will be sensitive to my needs and wants, and just not his own. Which I feel is all right, because marriage is a partnership, it's not all one sided, you know?

He has gone from saying absolutely positively no more to we could have another one, but not right now. So, now I'm praying for patience. But it's SO hard.

I know, logically, that we have had a wild and very stressful last four years. So I understand his hesitation logically. I wish my heart could catch up.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and hope for the best, for all of us.

[Velveteen]

I am not sure how old this thread is, but I fit right in! I am probably a lot older than all of you, but I still want that next baby, and I have four! I feel like if I am going to have one, I need to get started right away. Lots of older moms these days, it is getting so common.
Anyway, dh said absolutely NOT forever. Last month, I was two days 'late' on my usual cycle and we both thought I was pg. Of course I wasn't, but I cried and cried when I found out for sure I was not. The good thing is, dh was not upset about it! It opened up this beautiful dialog that we just haven't been able to have until now. Now he is thinking about it! I am so thrilled, but at the same time, I don't know if I can stand it if he changes his mind.

The baby lust is killing me......seems like I SHOULD be ready to move one, but someone is missing from my family. Ever feel that way?
Finding this thread was perfect timing for me. I wish I could TTC right now, but at least I can dream. So hard to let the months slip away, especially when I know I am fertile. Hard.

[its_our_family]

I told dh that one of the most appealing things about him when we got together has turned out to bite me in the butt! We originally said NO children....then we had Tracy and now I want ONE more....actually 3 more but I'm working one babe at a time here!

Anyway, I had a chemical pg in Marcxh and dh wasn't happy but wasn't upset about the possibility....but last month I was 4 days late and he seemed kinda excited......but he still is sticking to his guns and saying NO....I still "feel" like we will add to our family. It's hard to sit here and know I'm fertile and ont be able to do anything about it....

It sucks!!!

[Velveteen]

Hey it's_our_family! It's good to talk to you!
So funny, when we married, we thought perhaps two kids would be in our future. I was never one of those baby crazy women. Then, I had my son and my heart was stolen! I couldn't imagine NOT doing this again. Fortunately, my dh was willing, and in time I had dd. THEN, the baby lust started up again........and I am happy to report that ds was born unexpectadly. THEN, I couldn't stand not having another! So here I am with four and the baby lust has reared up once again. I am at the end of my fertile years, so I really want to get hopping if there is a baby in my future. I do feel lucky though, at least I have the four.
Still, if dh is thinking about it, there is never a 'good' time to add to the family. There is always somthing that will keep life very busy. He did say 'not in the next couple months', so hopefully that means that after that we can ttc. I really wanted a winter baby though. A late summer pg means a spring baby, or later.
Maybe I should start a thread for big familys?
Take care its_our_family, I do hope your dream comes true. Actually, a lot of these posts touched me, and I hope everyone who dreams of a sweet little one gets their wish in time. I am running out of time.

[PiePie]

Or even a week ago, before DH has moved up his timeline. It was a huge issue between us. He felt like I was saying he was not enough and that I was unhappy with us...and on some level was unhappy with JUST us. But really what it is about is that I bring a great burning desire to be a mommy, with a flip side that I fear greatly that somehow it won't happen. He is confident it will happen and hence not as anxious about which month it happens in. Does that make sense? It helped me to be more gentle on him to realize that it is not that I want a baby more than he does, it's that my ASAP urgency is in part a proxy for definiteness -- a definiteness he already has. Be gentle with your pardner -- they do come around!

I must admit that when mine finally did, it meant that what was going to be our last hurrah trip to Eurpoe became (is going to become) an abstemious pre-conception time, I had a pang of missing my dreamed of red wines! Crazy, huh? I think the him-vs.-me battle lines obscured the fact that we both see pluses and minuses on both sides of the ledger. Not that the pluses don't ultimately win out!

[avalonfaith]

i am also on in this same club. i have thought about starting a thread like this 1000 times. I want another babe so bad and like OhMel said I am not ready yet but i want one some day and my DP does not want another one at all. Our DS was unplanned and he didn't really want kids to begin with i didn't either until i found out i was pregnant, now i really want another one. not now but in the next 3 years. Our DS just turned 1...I am going to get an IUD next tuesday.
I have also gone back and forth in my head over if this is a "deal breaker". To me i don't think it is, but it is not going to be easy and i hope upon hope and wish upon wish that DP will want another babe. we aren't married but we do talk about it every so often and this is the only issue that would make me hesitate.

[lovebug]

we are getting there... DH wanted to wait but i think now he has turned a new leaf...


but i know where you are comming from! DH and i have had it out more then once about this!

we will se what happens when he gets home from iraq

[RedFlyGrrrl]

I already know that I need fertility treatments to become pg, and right now we have the money, but DH says he wants to wait. :( It makes me so sad! I'm still young, but have wanted to be a mother since before I wanted to be married! It's so stressful sometimes wanting something so bad.

[its_our_family]

This is one OLD thread!!!

Well, I can say that less than a month after the last post I found out I was pregnant with Bryce and now he is over 2.5!!

Hubby was a bit "mad" about it at first but within about 3 days was excited.

We decided after Bryce that we were done. I had had 2 c/sections and didn't want to put my body or our family through a 3rd. Benjamin had a vasectomy in April 2005.

We did have a scare a few months back (he only did one check-up exam) and I was 14 days late. It turned out to be jsut a late period but Dh even expressed his disappointment!

Anyway, just thought I'd update ya!

[adamsfam07]

We just had our 3rd son and I'm willing to have one more in a couple of years. My hubby keeps changing his mind whether or not he wants to have another one though, I'm pretty set on it too. Sometimes he says that he wasn't really sure we should have the 3rd one because he doesn't think we have the "financial means" to take care of them all. I just think it's because I have to work parttime and he has to stop what he's doing to take care of them. But then sometimes he comes to me and says that it would be fun to have one more...so I don't know know, I'm getting pretty frustrated I don't want to keep thinking we'll have more babies some day and when the time comes to ttc he won't want to. I"ll be heartbroken. Guess I'll just have to wait and see...

[mags]

I'm glad this thread got dug up! I could relate to a lot that the ladies wrote here. DH and I have two boys who are only 18 months apart. Since our kids are so close in age, I think that ever since our youngest arrived that we've just beein crazy busy. My DH kept saying, "no more." Actually, I agreed with him, since I had another bad pregnancy (I barf throughout all of my pregnancies and last time I had back issues too). However, when my youngest was close to six months old, I started thinking about how it would be nice to have one more. I admit that one reason I'd like one more is for the chance to have a little girl, but I'm fine with a boy too. I just kind of feel like I was so stressed out when I had my youngest, that I did not really enjoy and cherish my experience as much as I should have. My DH still says, "no," but he's put off his vasectomy for almost a yr now and two months ago AF was late and we had a pregnancy scare. He actually took it in stride, saying it must be a blessing and just joked that the youngest one couldn't go to college (his main concern is college costs, he is already worried about college costs for the two we have). Anyway, it turned out I was not pg, BUT for the past two months he hasn't been using a condom and I haven't said anything either. So, I am hoping that if it's meant to be, I will get pg and obviously he must be ok with the idea of it, since he hasn't been a stickler about BC lately.

[Mom2fiya]

Hi everyone - I am happy I stumbled on to this thread, I fit right in. My DH and I have talked this topic into the ground and then some. I would really like to have a second, for many reasons and it just seems so sad to think dd will be the only one. No one to share secrets with or to boss around or to talk to when she can't come to us. The older our dd gets the harder it is to convince him, but I can see his point of view since he was a stay at home dad for the first 3yrs. It gets frustrating when he tells me it would be nice to have another.

[goddessgold1]

subbing:loveeyes: