Personal Revelations.......

[its_our_family]

Well, about 2 months ago I toyed with the idea that maybe I had suffered from a small amt of ppd. I hadn't really thought much more about it until just recently.

As most of you already know my dh does not want to go through another pregnancy. He said that I was "not myself from about 6 mts pg till just recently". At first it made me mad. I couldn't understand why he thought this about me. I know I hadn't been myself but what do you expect.

I was depressed because I was so tired and working f/t. Dh would go to school f/t and then come home and want to run around and do all kinds of things and the only thing I wanted to do was to go home and go to bed. Our pg was a surprise. I didn't think that dh was happy about it. So, I didn't tell him all the things I was feeling or thinking because I didn't think he wanted to hear about it. I distanced myself from him. In my mind I decided he was mad about the pg when in reality he wasn't. He just couldn't figure out what happened to his bubbly fun wife. Then ds was born. Delivery was nothing like I had imagined and blah blah blah.

So, today I'm in the nursery at church. I'm in there every sunday because ds is not ready to be alone. I'm sitting in the floor playing with a 4mt old girl named Eva. I was sitting there and I realized that I had never played with ds like this when he was a newborn. I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to sit on the couch. Of course I had a c/s so that made a difference but I just didn't want to do anything. I jsut wanted ds to let me put him down. i didn't want to play with him.......I felt like it wasn't fair that I was the primary parent that I was the one who did everything. That whether or not I had fun with friends was based on ds's mood. And dh could do whatever he wanted......

I am the one who caused this stuff to happen. I'm not meaning its my fault but I imagined half of the things i was upset about. I feel like I missed out on so much because I was out of my mind (thats how i think of it now) I caused myself and my dh pain because I was afraid of what he really thought.

When we got pg with Sweetpea dh seemed excited in his response and how proud he annouced it to friends. I got so excited because I knew I could tell him everything and things would be different. I knew what had happened with ds and things would be different. Then we lsot her and I feel like i lost my chance to be happy. I loved being pg but I jsut feel like it wasn't right and that somehow it wasn't the experience it shoud have been.

Does this make sense at all??

i know part of the reason I was miserable was my weight. I weighed 183 before i got pg and that is on a 5ft frame. I'm in the 160's now. i know that I had a problem with depression now that I'm on my way out of it. Dh commented today about how I'm becoming myself again. i feel like myself again...for the first time in a long time.....

I jsut know that a second pg would be so different because of what I know now. I've been talking to dh about all of this and I think he is starting to understand.....it jsut makes me so sad......

You're terrific if you read this whle thing....but you;re even terrific if you just skimmed :)

[mama2girls]

I read it all. :D Megan, you're doing ok. Repeat that three times.

Misperceptions between spouses are so common. Still, after 9 yrs with this guy (and married for over 6 of those), whom I love very much, I misinterpret what he says and feel like I don't need to burden him with my feelings. Number one in a marriage is communication. Keep talking with dh until you help him understand why you got into a funk during pg and after. Let him know that YOU understand you weren't yourself and have taken steps to recognize ppd if by chance you get it next time.

If your dh is like mine he was just so confused and scared for me, not disappointed that I had "changed" but knowing that something was very wrong and that I needed help. It was 4 mo after dd#1 was born that I got on antidepressants and I don't think I really fell in love with her until then. I tried to do it all, grad school, bought a house and moved 3 weeks before she was born, etc. I was so stressed out I didn't even know I was stressed out.

Both pgs were planned, but with dd#2 it was so much different. I was so anxious for her to come out and get to meet her and I fell in love with her before we left the hospital. It was an awesome experience and it brings tears to my eyes even now to think about it. Most of #1's early days are a blur to me. I tried to play with her, but was so tired and overwhelmed and clueless.

I hope that this commiserating helps you understand that you are not alone in your thoughts, and that you are correct in realizing that pg#2 will be totally different. :hug to you.