Have you forgiven yourself...are you healing? [Archive]

MarcyC

06-17-2006, 02:44 PM

I know, to different degrees, most of us with breastfeeding challenges struggle with guilt.

I didn't BF my first and I don't think I struggled with guilt over that decision. I did decide to BF my second, but I struggled with supply issues. I went to my ob/gyn to see if she knew anything about BF'ing issues and she just offered me free formula and said, "not every woman can do it." I had one BF'ing friend and she was no help. She was like, "what do you mean you're having problems? Just put the baby to the breast and nurse." However, in the next breath she said, "only nurse her for 10 minutes every 3 hours. If she cries in between, make her wait...a very hungry baby will suck harder and more effectively." Yeah right! I was afraid to call LLL because I'd always heard of them referred to as "nursing nazis". I was doing a lot of bottle-supplementing by then and I was afraid to take a bottle to a LLL meeting. Finally, in desperation, I called and the leader told me about an SNS. I bought one through LLL and tried it awhile, but by then DD was so accustomed to bottles she really resisted BF'ing so after 3 months I gave up.

I was sad. I mean we're totally in love! Totally bonded. But I was still sad. I wondered if I'd done all I could.

So with my third, I decided to give it all I could - I researched, researched and did more research. I thought I knew exactly what do to. Nursed on demand - no time limits, co-slept, tons of skin-to-skin, I ate oatmeal, took every herb imaginable, got a script for Reglan. I even ordered domperidone. Nothing worked. We tried bottle supplementation for awhile but I got paranoid about nipple confusion so around 8 weeks we went to SNS-supplementation only.

I think supplementing her at the breast and knowing that she's definitely a "breast girl" has helped with healing and getting over the failed BF'ing relationship with my second child.

The one thing I haven't given myself "permission" to do is stop. Even though she's 14 months and a lot of people would have weaned by now...it doesn't feel right. I don't know why. I just haven't given myself permission to go there. I feel like if I weaned now, I'd have to give reasons and excuses, even though several real life and internet friends have told they'd have given up a LONG time ago. I just can't bring myself to wean.

My emotions this year have been so up and down. I've had to go on zoloft of anti-depression which I totally feel was brought on by the "nursing" issues!

How are you feeling? Need to vent? What kinds of emotions are you feeling? Have you given yourself permission to give up? I know at times I've felt like a total failure. I feel like I've failed my children. And I feel like God gave me "broken breasts."

GatorNNP

06-17-2006, 03:17 PM

First I must say that as a breastfeeding mother which you are, you are not a failure. To be able to overcome so many difficulties with your first attemtps and be able to nurse your children to the best of your ability is amazing.

I don't think you have anything to be guilty over, guilt is what you feel when you are ABLE to do something and CHOOSE not too. You are more likely feeling ANGER over not getting the support you needed when you needed it. Please allow yourself to GRIEVE the loss that you feel over your breastfeeding relationships that did not thrive for you.

Weaning is something that is very personal between you, your child, and your family. I would try to only base the weaning age on your individual child and not the history of the others. Do talk about your feelings and get professional help for grieving the loss that you have experienced. Hope you have comfort in your healing process.

MarcyC

06-18-2006, 03:41 PM

I just wanted to be sure everyone knows this thread is not about me! It's for everyone. If you've had any feelings you need to vent here, vent away!

Polkadots

06-18-2006, 04:43 PM

I've done all I can - researched and tried every option, seen lactation doctors and breastfeeding counsellors, take the Domperidone and we have worked up to a 60/40 bfeeding/formula relationship.

No I haven't forgiven myself. I don't know if I ever will. I still burst into tears when talking about it and I've never felt so much like a failure about anything before in my life.

I am so so disappointed that I am unable to exclusively breastfeed my boy.

I try to focus on really enjoying the nursing we do together and the bonding when he has a bottle but I'm still ashamed and embarassed to feed him in public.

I feel really depressed about it sometimes. I still feel like there should be more that I can do and that maybe I'm just lazy. I feel like I have failed my boy.

sehbub

06-18-2006, 05:17 PM

I totally understand the failure feelings, mamas!! Mine are a bit compounded because not only are my boobs broken, but my whole body doesn't know what the he** it's doing with this baby! I went in to labor for no reason at 28 weeks, and delivered my girl at 30 weeks. She *can't* nurse, so I'm EPing, and there are days I just want to throw in the towel because it is SO exhausting and frustrating and draining. Then all of a sudden I'll be able to pump a quarter of an ounce, so I'll keep going.

I hate feeling this way, but I hate even more that I'm unable to provide the nutrition my baby so desperately needs.

Definitely feeling like a failed mama sometimes, yes.

williamsmommy2002

06-18-2006, 05:27 PM

I know how you ladies feel. My oldest was born with poor suck. He couldn't empty the breast until he was 5 months old. I pumped after almost every feeding before that time. He had to be supplemented and I took domperidone until he was almost one. He's now 3.5 and still nurses for a coulpe of minutes a day. He was diagnosed with a moderate speech delay and the speech pathologist said his trouble nursing was due to poor oral motor skills. She was surprised we even made it all nursing. When I heard that I finally forgave myself after three and a half years.

Please do yourselves a favor and realise that you are doing the best you can for your baby. Grieve your loss and forgive yourself.

Robin926

06-18-2006, 05:58 PM

I had tremendous guilt for a long time. I struggled with low supply from the beginning. I was on a regimen of nursing and pumping (and using a cup to give the pumped milk) at least once per hour, eating oatmeal, taking Reglan and Metformin, taking Fenugreek, etc. At six weeks old, my DS was only two ounces above his birth weight. I had to do something to get him to gain some weight.

When he got that first bottle of formula, he became a different baby. No more constant crying, he actually SLEPT that night. My nipples were able to heal (half the skin was missing on the left side from a bad latch in the beginning and wasn't healing because of the literally constant nursing/pumping). He gained a pound in just a couple of days!

I continued to nurse him while supplementing for months, but little by little he began to refuse the breast. I started pumping exclusively and kept trying to get him latched on. In hindsight, I should've looked into getting an SNS but I was overwhelmed and didn't think of it.

He is 20 months now and hasn't nursed for a while. I felt like a huge failure in the beginning. I cried my heart out when I was told it was time to supplement, and when he got that first formula. When he stopped latching on, I really beat myself up. I wouldn't tell anyone who didn't have to know because I didn't want to be a failure after all my insistence about nursing. I hated when people would ask why I was giving him a bottle after he nursed.

But now he is a healthy, happy toddler. I gave him every single drop of breastmilk I could produce, and I know that had benefits beyond measure. The formula was there to help him grow when I couldn't produce enough.

I also learned a lot about being judgmental. When I see a mama with a bottle, I don't jump to conclusions. I do feel a little irritated with women who give up too easily (without real problems) or never try, but it's not my place to judge. I think that this entire ordeal taught me a very important lesson that things don't always go the way you planned, and you have to do what's best for your child even if it's not what you thought that would be, kwim?

At this point, I've let go of my guilt because I know I couldn't have changed anything (except trying an SNS). I do still wish I could be nursing my DS, but we bottle nurse and get to snuggle that way. I also know now that I have PCOS, which is most likely why I had supply issues, and it might happen again. Next time I will be prepared, and I won't wait until it's a health issue if supplementation is needed again.

:hugs mamas, for all your struggles.

mama-a-llama

06-18-2006, 06:22 PM

I don't think I've forgiven myself. I have two failed breastfeeding relationships. My son's problems aren't my fault at all, he has a genetic disorder that has a high rate of feeding problems. I do feel a little guilty for not trying more, but when he started really refusing the breast, I didn't want to make him more upset by offering. I'm struggling now with my supply and pumping, and wondering if it's worth it. I hardly get to care for my daughter at all, and even he doesn't get as much attention and holding as I would like. But he desperately needs those extra IQ points.

My daughter, for that I don't know if I'll ever really forgive myself. I know that she was going to need supplementation; my milk dried up, I was pregnant, I can't change that. But maybe, just maybe, if I had listened to that little voice in my head, and seen an LC early in the pregnancy, we could have used SNS and maybe she would have kept nursing and not changed her latch so it was incredibly painful and gone on a nursing strike b/c I kept saying ouch, and I couldn't get her back on. And if I hadn't blocked out the fact that she was getting skinnier, she wouldn't have lost so much weight that she had to be hospitalized and then get a feeding tube b/c she WOULDN'T take a bottle. I still have traumatic memories of her being there, so pathetically skinny, and having all these tests to make sure there wasn't some strange reason for her losing weight, having to be cathed for a urine test.
I wonder now if maybe my body just can't make enough for a baby older than 6-7 months.
Hugs to all you mamas. This stuff is so hard.

sehbub

06-18-2006, 09:19 PM

I think the worst part of all of this is that there are so many of us. It's just not right.

When I got pregnant, I had these idyllic images of birthing at home, in water, and immediately pulling my baby on to my breast and gazing at her as she nursed for the first time. Instead, I was lying flat on my back on the most uncomfortable bed imaginable (seriously, you'd think birthing beds would be at least slightly comfortable) for 16 hours, strapped to monitors and IVs, waiting for the magnesium to leave my system enough for my body to deliver my baby 10 weeks early, and then had her rushed out of the room. I didn't even get to touch my baby until 8 hours after her birth. I didn't know which baby she was in the NICU. My DH had to show me where our daughter was. I didn't (and sometimes still don't) feel like I deserve her, because I feel like I failed her from the very beginning. All I've heard since I was 16 is that I'm built to have babies. Birthing hips, symmetrical reproductive system, ample breast tissue to produce milk. Instead, everything went wrong.

I'm just waiting for it to stop hurting. Because honestly, it hurts a little bit every time I look at my beautiful baby girl. It's just not fair that we mamas who so desperately want to do what's best for our children can't, and women who *choose* not to breastfeed because it will make their breasts sag complain about how long it took for their milk to dry up. I know it's not fair of me to judge them, but it's infuriating. If they only knew how lucky they were.

Polkadots

06-18-2006, 10:33 PM

Sehbub I had exactly the same visions during pregnancy and ended up with a C-section and on it's gone since then.

I relate to so much of what you said.

Kaitnbugsmom

06-18-2006, 10:39 PM

Have I forgiven myself? Not really, not where it counts. It still haunts me even as I'm finally having some success relactating....

Am I healing? Again, somewhat, but it's going to be a long process. With the older girls, there was always a chance that I'd 'make up for it with the next baby' Now, there are no more next babies... and I know I have no real fault other than horrid timing and a rotten reproductive & nourishing system and a lack of professional support or any real support beyond V, but still...

bdavis337

06-18-2006, 10:43 PM

No, I've never forgiven myself.

I've not posted in this forum, but I've been an avid lurker for a long time. I had a drastic breast reduction as a younger women, well before marriage and children, and I did not understand the implications and possible limitations of my decision. My oldest had breastmilk for 1 week. My 2nd child had breastmilk for 3 weeks. Neither of them had more than 4 oz of breastmilk daily. I had to pump after every nursing session, and would save that 1/2 oz or so in a bottle with a special red marking so my husband wouldn't use it! When I had 3 or 4 oz, which usually took about 24 hours, I would feed from that bottle to supplement. I had to nurse, supplement and then pump each and every time we fed. I had such engorgement it was terribly painful, but my breasts couldn't get the milk to my babies.

At age 34, I regret every minute of my decision at age 23. Given the chance to go back in time, I'd wait until my kids were born and while my surgeon was fabulous I don't feel she did enough to truly make me aware that I would face serious nursing hurdles.

This is a raw subject for me presently as my youngest is just 13 months and we're working on bottle weaning.

corysmilk

06-19-2006, 12:21 AM

Nope I haven't forgiven myself. And it has been 12 years!!!
DS was small and my nipples were inverted, Plus he had a "lazy suck" he could barley get anythin out of the bottle. I used nipple shelids. ABout 6 diffrent kinds of bottles. I pumped every 3 hours for 3 months. and one day the milk was just gone. I hated giving him ff I always told complete strangers that i did try And I couldn't. he did nurse at about 4 weeks for 2 weeks, only with a nipple sheild. ANd I wasn't pumping, and my supply was almost nothing and he started to refuse the nipple sheild. I was determined to pump untill I could convince him to nurse. But I used to get 11 ounces from one side and after using the sheild I could barley make enought for a 3 ounce bottle.
It is hurts. It did take us longer to bond. I know that now that I have had 2 sucessful bf babies. I had terable PPD, I love my son but osmething was missing. We are close, now, but it was extra work for me, to really feel ok with the ff and our relationship got mixed up in it too(PPD dod NOT help either):gloomy:

MaryJaneLouise

06-19-2006, 09:35 AM

Yes, I think I have finally forgiven myself. Although I still have anger over the fact that I had cancer and that is the primary reason I couldn't exclusively BF, I treasure the times I now have bfing. Both my boys are really getting into the BFing now, and they really enjoy it.

I think my situation was/is different because I had an external enemy in the form of the cancer, vs. an invisible internal enemy like many of you have (insufficient glandular development, invisible hormonal problems, etc.)

Though here is my rant for the day. I woke up this morning when DS that does NOT cosleep/nurse all night woke up, changed his diaper and of course he wanted to nurse. DH was perturbed over something else and started to rant at me, "You know he's 15 months old. You don't HAVE to rush to BF him right away!"

I was very :( that he chose to lash out at me in this way. I just said, He's had a long lonely night and he wants to say hello to me in this way :(

a_work_in_progress

06-19-2006, 09:57 AM

With my first, I was young. I tried everything I knew at the time, such as Mother's Milk tea and fenugreek, lots of water and nursing often. Still she was diagnosed as FTT when at two months she weighed less than she had at birth and she was showing serious signs of dehydration. I began supplementing, and by 6 months she refused to have anything to do with breastfeeding. I couldn't pump more than 1/10th of an ounce per half hour session, so I gave in.

With my second, she had lost almost 2 lbs during her first 3 weeks of life (she went from 9lbs to 7lbs 4oz and was still losing), and wasn't showing any signs of gaining. So, I tried major dietary changes, every galactagogue herb in the book, nursing constantly, kangaroo care, and even Reglan. The Reglan seemed to work, but the doc wouldn't keep me on it. So, I ended up supplementing with the SNS until she was about 10 months, until a family crisis occurred which forced sudden weaning. I continued to pump, never getting more than an ounce per session, but I'd collect up all the milk and give it to her for supplements.

With my third, I knew from the get go that I wouldn't be able to nurse exclusively. By that time I'd been diagnosed with insufficient glandular tissue. I had the SNS from the get go. I still used methods to increase my supply, but I tried not to obsess over it. I was able to enjoy my baby much more by being prepared and accepting our breastfeeding fate. He nursed for 19 months, and I wish he would've nursed longer, but he self weaned completely.

Now I'm pregnant again, and my OB/GYN is willing to prescribe medication so I can hopefully nurse exclusively! You have no idea how happy that makes me. I'm going to be prepared in advance, though, with the SNS and formula, JUST IN CASE. I want to get a better baby scale so I can really keep track of this. I'm scared of having another FTT baby.

I still experience guilt, even though I went far beyond what most other mamas would do. I mean, I could have made even more dietary changes. I could've figured SOMETHING out. I could've found a way to earn extra money to order domperidone online. There are so many coulda' woulda' shoulda's.

madmacksmommy

06-19-2006, 10:01 AM

I have a little quilty feelings. I nursed my first dd for 2.5 months. I began giving her a bottle of formula when she was around 3.5 weeks old b/c I didn't know any better. I was told by my grandmother that she "needed" formula and that it would help her sleep. Me being a first time mommy I listened. I figured my grandmother new better than I b/c she has raised 2 kids. Although she didn't bf. I went to my 6 week pp check-up where my OB suggested the deprovera shot for birth control. We also talked about what I could take for my allergies and he told em any antihistamine. So at 2 months I was barely producing any milk. I think the combo of the allergy meds, the depo shot and the formula suppliments are what did us in. I stopped nursing her. It was a very hard decision for me to make. Especially since I had met a new friend and she was nursing her baby girl. I never told anyone how jealous I was of that. I wanted so badly to nurse my baby girl too!

Now fast forward to where I am now. When I got preggo with dd2 I KNEW that I was going to nurse no matter what!! I had a repeat c/s and as soon as I was in my room. (1.5 hours after delivery) my baby girl was in my room and nursing away. She has never had a drop of formula and is doing fantastic on my milk alone!! She will br 8 months old at the end of the month. I love nursing her and I have no plans on weaning anytime soon. I wish that I had been able to nurse my dd1. But I learned and was more prepared the second time around! I also have a better support system this time. I am a memeber of a local moms group and there are lot of nursing mommies there! We also go to LLL every month as well.

CherryBomb

06-19-2006, 11:18 AM

I'm healing, but I definitely still feel a lot of regret. With my first I was just uneducated on breastfeeding and unknowingly sabatoged our nursing relationship. I understand on a purely logical level that I did the best I could with what I had, but on an emotional level, I still regret it deeply almost 5 years later, and it still makes me cry. Nursing my second daughter (even though that was a rocky road as well) has helped me heal and I love it, but it's also shown me exactly what I missed out on with my first.

BecBayGrayMad

06-19-2006, 11:23 AM

My guilt issues are I am nursing both ds who is 30 months and ds who is 11 months. Nursing both has been quite hard for me and I get the feeling I don't want to be nursing both...But my 30 month old son is not ready to wean...So I nurse him and try to be happy about it. But I have been trying to get out of nursing him more and more...

GooeyRN

06-19-2006, 12:01 PM

Another greiving mommy here, but I am finding peace. DD was born a few weeks early, and low birthweight and unable to latch or suck. She was very sleepy and jaundiced for about a week. My milk was very slow to come in. I eventually got her to latch but she was still was unable to suck effectivly, and tired easily. I KNEW that she was not getting enough from me, despite what the LC said. (Why would I get the same amount of milk when I pumped regarrdless of if she nursed or not. There should be less milk if she nursed well.) So I had to BF, feed her my pumped milk, then Pump.

Fast forward, after 3 months she completely refused my breast. She is now almost 8 months and I have been EPing. What gets me so upset, is my body knows exactly what to do. I make TONS of milk. 70+ ounces a day. (Baby only takes less than 35 oz on average a day) So I have all this milk, and baby is uninterested in BFing. So I feel like I failed my baby, since my body knows what its doing. I used to feel rejected by dd, but I am getting over that now since she prefers me to anyone else.

I am at peace with having to EP now. I am doing the best that I can. Others think I am nuts for EPing. "Why not just put her to the breast?" I hear a lot. Well... Don't ya think I already thought of that? Do you really think I enjoy having my nipples tugged at by a pump? Do you think I enjoy being sore and having blisters from the pump? Do you really think I enjoy having to wash bottles, take bottles with me, take the pump with me, etc? I really didn't want the hassles of both bottle and breast feeding, but atleast she is getting my milk. So I am at peace.

BecBayGrayMad

06-19-2006, 12:04 PM

That is great! At least she is getting mama's milk!!!

Mama Poot

06-19-2006, 12:29 PM

I got pregnant with DS#2 when DS#1 was merely three months old. By the time DS#1 was six months old my milk was gone and my life was in turmoil. I was guilty because I felt I had cheated my son and myself out of this beautiful relationship, and got even more upset when I was told by an LC that even though I had to supplement I didn't have to stop nursing. DS#1 is 10 months old now and DS#2 is due July 31st. They will be less than a year apart. I feel horrible sometimes thinking that DS#1 will have to watch his baby brother be close to HIS mama and getting mama milk. But the door is open to him should he decide to return to nursing. I have been encouraging him and trying to re-introduce him to the breast, but not much luck so far. I also started dealing with the guilt better when I realized that this was not the be-all-end-all I was letting it be. I fully intend to pump milk for DS#1. We will use Mama Milk instead of cow's milk or soy milk. And that makes me feel a lot better :) However I still feel guilty that DS#1 is pretty much getting a baby brother for his first birthday :( I'll try to have a party, but I doubt we'll be up to it when the time comes. His birthday is August 10th. But we'll do our best.

fireant

06-19-2006, 07:27 PM

I struggle with it every day. I think I'm too new to the situation to be right with it.

My dd was born 6 weeks early and was given the bottle and a pacifier in the NICU. I wasn't able to hold her for the first 3 days of her life.

She struggles latching on so I give her the breast before the bottle as often as I can. Right now I'm able to meet her demands on pumped milk but I had a point where my supply was down and I couldn't. She can never take the breast long enough to complete a feeding. She just gets frustrated and screams.

I have a lot of shame pulling out a bottle in public. I always feel like i need to explain myself.

I have pumped for her since she was born and my nipples have just now begun to lose their feelings. I know when she nurses that she is causing some damage but with the 6 weeks+ of painful pumping that I went through it doesn't register as hurt anymore.

I know that I'm missing a wonderful relationship with my dd. I feel guilty but I also feel exhausted. Nothing with this birth and begining baby weeks went how I had hoped it would. I feel like my body betrayed me.

MarcyC

06-19-2006, 07:37 PM

I'm just sitting here crying reading these stories! It's so heartbreaking to want something so bad and then not be able to do it. It's also comforting to know I'm not alone with my feelings.

sehbub

06-19-2006, 08:38 PM

hopefulfaith

06-19-2006, 09:52 PM

I am working on it.

I truly didn't know that pregnancy could decrease supply. And so I didn't plan this second pregnancy well -- didn't use bc every time after my first pp af -- figured I was still exclusively nursing, so what were the chances?

And I got pregnant, and nursed through the 1st trimester nausea and bit my tongue through the nipple pain ... and then lost my supply when my ds was only 9 months old.

All because it never occured to me that something like that could happen. I felt so stupid and ignorant and just plain dumb, and my stupidity left my ds without breastmilk and the comfort of our nursing relationship.

He has not had any breastmilk since May 9th, and I am still sad and still guilty. Wrapped up in the guilt is the incredible guilt of not being thrilled about this pregnancy like I was for Adam's because of this issue. I'm working through that and sending my little guy inside lots of happy vibes - but I am sad that I was sad that I was pregnant, if that makes sense.

leahida

06-19-2006, 10:30 PM

Thanks for starting this sorrowful but much-needed thread, Marcy. I can so relate to the guilt, the what-ifs, the shame at pulling out bottles, etc.

I haven't forgiven myself, although I am really trying. I know that I did everything I could to try to salvage our nursing relationship, short of making myself completely insane. I won't go into the gory details of my bf saga (some of you on the Low Milk Supply Tribe may recall), but my son stopped gaining weight at 11 weeks and I had to start supplementing with formula. Today we nurse with an SNS and I also give bottles. I pump 3-4 times a day and take dom, ds gets maybe 8 oz of mm a day. Reasonably I am doing everything I can. So why am I so hard on myself? I just can't let it go.

Not being able to ebf my son feels like a low-grade nightmare. Sometimes I can actually forget about it when it's just the two of us and we're having fun being a mama and a baby, but when I am around nursing mamas (which is EVERY mama I know, and I am around them quite a lot) the wound opens again. It's so hard because I love my bfing friends but part of me just feels jealous and sad around them - yuck! I don't like feeling that way. I've recently started an amino acid regimen for some depression related to the bfing thing.

May we all, in time, forgive ourselves and find peace and healing.

fireant

06-20-2006, 08:15 AM

Marlow's mama, I know what you mean about the pain going away. It took about six weeks of EPing for me too. DD STILL can't latch at all though. And I'm down to only getting about 10ccs every 3 hours. Still pumping though. Just can't give up on her/her health yet.

Marlow's latch has gotten really bad. She only slightly opens her mouth now so she just sucking on a small part of my nipple. I assume it's nipple confusion.

I have been following your struggles from our due date club as we are in a similar situation (and I think your baby looks a little bit like mine!). You are a terrific mama and have given me tons of hope. I admire you and your strength you've put into your relationship with your baby. I just wanted to thank you for that!

MaryJaneLouise

06-20-2006, 04:57 PM

"Why not just put her to the breast?" I hear a lot. Well... Don't ya think I already thought of that? Do you really think I enjoy having my nipples tugged at by a pump?

:dizzy: people are so :lol :(

missab

06-20-2006, 11:08 PM

I am trying to give up the pump. "Just return it to the rental place," I tell myself. "...and this era will fade away. Just like last time."

I am a disgusted owner of defective, insufficient-glandular-developed breasts.
I am pretty happy about the way I look & my body in general, but I hate my stupid defective breasts. I hate them. They may not be nearly as underdeveloped as some pictures I've seen (of other women's breasts) but I hate them anyway. They look pathedic & they wouldn't let me breastfeed my kids 100%; they suck. Nothing anyone says can change my mind about this.

When my 1st was born, the culprit of my low supply was revealed, and I strugged with pumping for 5 and a half months. My husband was so supportive, my LC is great, but pumping round the clock is a lot of work - especially with a colicky kid (as my son was) a horrible sleeper. A real screamer. I had to use a hospital grade pump. Big, heavy thing, not adaptable to car outlets. Pumping was difficult. Nevertheless, I managed about 18oz per day.

With my second, I jumped right in to pumping, tried to refuse to beat myself up. I busted out the formula on her second day of life, reminding myself over & over that I was NOT going to beat myself up...no, no, no.

I tried the SNS many times (what the hell with that thing?)

And when she stopped nursing altogether at around 8 weeks, I was so dissappointed (my son nursed for 4 months). But I keep pumping, my electric, hospital pump travelled with me, my Pump in Style set up for car pumping. I pumped like a maniac - every two hours - for several months. At night, I'd pump 3 times or more. This time, I got about 20 oz per day, more in the beginning, but when she stopped nursing, it dropped to about 20 on average. We didn't have to buy formula very often. It went well, considering.

Finally, about 3 weeks ago, I stopped pumping at night. Then stopped pumping every two hours. S L O W E D the pumping down to now, where I've only pumped four times today. Not much coming out.

I should just stop. It's been 7.5 months. I did my best. I want to forgive myself. I try not to think about what I WISH I could do when I am in public & I bust out the formula.
I wanted to so badly, you guys. I really, really did.

Do I return the pump tomorrow? Or wait another day...

sehbub

06-21-2006, 07:13 AM

Mama, I'm so sorry.

If you're torn over the decision to return the pump now, then I would wait a day. Reassess tomorrow. See how it goes.

You've done a wonderful thing for your kids. No matter what you decide, they're very lucky to have a mama who cares so much about their well-being.

widemouthedfrog

06-22-2006, 08:16 AM

Nope, haven't forgiven myself. My dd is currently solely BFing, but at the beginning she couldn't suck (early, small mouth - really!), so we gave her some formula to supplement, as she was losing weight and at a critical point. Although she then went on to BF, I have a hard time thinking about the formula. This is because I have Type 1 diabetes (unknown at the time), so she's at higher risk, and early milk exposure might be able to trigger it. There's a diabetes study that helps people get alternative formula, and there's Milk Share...I wish I had known about these, because if she does get diabetes, some part of me will feel it is my fault.

Generally, I'm very happy, don't get me wrong. But I do feel a lot of guilt still. And anger at the docs, who fed her formula in the hospital without asking me. Oh, if I had been as crunchy then as I am now....

mamato2boys

06-22-2006, 09:15 AM

I am healing, but I don't think I'll ever forgive my body. I feel like my babies and I were betrayed by my body, my breasts. I think about if I was living and making babies before formula was available my babies could have died. Thankfully my kids are older now and no longer need supplimenting; there were days that I cried everytime I made a bottle or brought out the SNS. My youngest two rejected the breast (even with an SNS attached) long before their 1st birthdays and I still get upset and feel sad for them when I see them watching my youngest BF, or when they ask me about when they BF.

I wasn't diagnosed with insufficient glanduar tissue (IGT) until my second child was born. I assumed I hadn't recieved enough support BF my first and I surrounded myself with BF moms, met with a LC before my baby was born and read ALOT. I still remember my appt with the BF specialist so clearly. I cried a little at the appt., and then had to stop driving several times on the way home b/c I was crying so much. I had never heard of IGT; never knew that there were women that were unable to exclusively BF. None of the BF women I surrounded myself with had heard of it either, and several of them cut ties with me b/c I was supplimenting. I live in a very pro-BF area, which is wonderfull; but I've had to deal with several strangers making comments or walking past me shaking their head in disgust while I fed my baby with a bottle. I've had two women comment negatively on using the SNS b/c it had formula in it. The judgements from others made me mad, and at the same time made it harder to heal.

I'll never forgive my defective breasts, they betrayed me, they betrayed my family, but I can forgive myself because I know that I did everything that I could possibly do to give my kids the most BM that I had to give.

operamommy

06-22-2006, 03:23 PM

I still have a lot of guilt over weaning ds at 5 weeks. Though we've relactated, I beat myself up a lot over it. I know there were very good reasons for weaning him at the time, but they're hard to live with sometimes. The other day I was telling dh how guilty I felt and he just looked at me and said, "Look - we couldn't do it anymore." That made me feel a bit better, because I know it's true. We really couldn't do it anymore. Baby was barely sleeping (as in 2 out of every 7 hours), crying, losing weight, and I was a PPD zombie who could barely get out of bed. He had some sensory issues to boot, and hubby and I were averaging 3 hours of sleep per night.

But it's still hard. I can't help myself from thinking that if we'd just gotten it together enough I wouldn't be working on my supply right now - I'd already have one.

2 in August

06-26-2006, 12:55 PM

Oh mommas, I just discovered this forum. I'm so glad I did. My dd is almost 5 yo and I still am sad and angry about my body not being able to feed her. She was 5 wks early, they gave her bottles and a bink at the hospital. She had a tight frenulum that they didn't do anything about. I struggled for 5 months bf her until she would scream and then reluctantly giving her formula. When she was 5 months old she caught a cold and refused to take the breast at all. Of course it was on a Friday. I had a small hand pump but I could never pump much. By the time I got ahold of a lc on Monday and got a decent pump, my milk was pretty much gone. I knew nothing about the supplements and drugs that could have possibly helped us. I wanted to nurse her so bad and I'm so upset with my body for first failing us during pg and kicking her out early and then by not making food for her.

Right now I'm 33 wks pg. I'm hoping and praying that this baby will be able to nurse. But my body is already betraying us again (starting pre-e again). I'm afraid he will be early and we will have the same problems all over again. This time though, I have my good pump so even if he has problems with latching or nursing I can pump and now I know about SNS so even if I have to use formula (I sure hope not) he will still be at my breast. I'm going to be a pain in the neck patient but they are not coming near my baby with a bottle or pacifier. Our nursing relationship is far more important than the staff's feelings.

melbb

06-27-2006, 06:32 PM

I don't feel like I need to forgive myself because I did everything I could. DD BF for 2.5 months off and on during her first 4 months, and now just flatly refuses to BF. I still try, but she just screams at me. I EP now instead. I maybe would have done some things differently, but I made the best decisions I could and unfortunately got some bad advice from a LC that led to our downfall. I used to get upset and always cry when she would scream at my breast, but I don't have any expectations anymore and it has been 3 months since she as EBF, so time has helped. I still grieve the loss, but don't feel any guilt about it. I was just one of the unlucky ones.

pookel

06-27-2006, 10:42 PM

Myself? Yes. My doctor who forced me to supplement, sabotaged my nursing relationship, and made me feel like an inadequate mother for even thinking I could try to breastfeed exclusively? No, never.

tash11

06-28-2006, 09:29 AM

a lot of people have low supply and have to supplement just because. because of things they didnt do. things like werid hormone levals, or a difficult birth, or bad advice about bfing a newborn, things they had no control over...... I chose to have a reduction. :(

I did the research. I knew what could happen. I knew about lact-aid/sns, and formula. I knew about milk banks. I knew about the herbs/meds. I read bfar stories. And I figured that as long as I could make at least half of what she needed I would be ok. There were a few things I didnt know. Like that the actual experince of formula sucks (I had never really been exposed to the details of it, I had seen friends whip out bottles, but that was it). But I was still fairly well informed, and I still did it. I chose to formula feed.