ds wants to cheat all the time

[Casual Storm]

Hi,

My 4 yr old ds is really into board games now like Chutes and Ladders, Candyland, etc. However, he doesn't like to play unless he is sure he is going to win. He will make up rules that apply only to him (ie. doesn't have to go down slides in C&L, etc) so he will almost assure himself a win. If he does lose, he gets very upset, even though I don't make a big deal about it. I've told him that the point of the game is to just have fun and not to win, and by following the same rules as everyone else, everyone has fun. I don't care if he changes the rules, but only if everyone gets to follow the same ones.

Is this just a phase? How seriously do you think I should be enforcing fair play, even if he is just playing with me? For example, should I refuse to play with him unless the rules are fair? Any suggestions on how to handle this?

Thanks for your advice.

[~member~]

For my family, the board game comes with specific rules, and everyone who plays that board game follows those rules. To change the rules would be unfair to my children if they are going to play with other people someday. Losing a boardgame is a part of life, and better that he learns at home where he can safely discharge his feelings, than at a friends or someplace that might make fun of him, kwim?

[maya44]

ITA with MITB.

He needs to be able to discharge his feelings of upset and disapointment in his loving and safe home.

He needs to know that he can survive the disapointment. Many kids go through this phase. Make it clear all must play by the same rules and don't worry about (but do be understanding about) the upset that follows a loss.

[4evermom]

I think 4 is too young to be playing games with winning and losing. There are tons of cooperative board games that involve all players working on a common goal. They provide plenty of practice with following directions, rules, and taking turns without anyone being a loser.

ETA Here is an article about effects of competition on children.
http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/tcac.htm
Here is a link to a site featuring cooperative games.
http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/tcac.htm

[Aura_Kitten]

when my son was 4 he started that phase too. for awhile i just played by his rules, and we'd just play crazy and have fun... but when he was about 5 we began introducing the "real" rules. he's almost 6 and sometimes we'll make up our own rules but most of the time we follow the "real" rules. i think it's important for him to be able to handle winning and losing equally... but i think it's too much to expect a 4 year old to be able to play fairly and understand how to handle their own feelings of frustration and disappointment when they don't win.

we're a "we don't play to WIN but to have FUN" family too. :)

[trmpetplaya]

I think it's a phase. I remember my siblings all going through that one. I would say that if you play by his rules then he should play by yours. So play by his till he gets bored (doesn't take too long, IME) and then he will probably ask about your rules. If you push your rules on him before he gets bored with always winning then he'll be even more insistent upon using his rules as opposed to yours. Besides, it's a creative endeavour to make up rules to a game, so he's just being creative (finding creative ways to win). In the meantime, you can teach him how to lose gracefully and that it really doesn't matter if he loses eventually playing with your rules by not minding when you lose playing with his rules :p

love and peace. :love

[Casual Storm]

Thanks for everyone's advice and help! I really appreciate it.

[lesley&grace]

At four Cam was really into winning, and my DP made the mistake of letting him. As a result, at almost 7, he still struggles with losing. He doesn't want to join soccer this summer because he is afraid that he won't win (even though at his level they don't keep score...we ended up keeping him out of soccer for financial reasons, and told him he can rejoin soccer school in the fall to practice more and feel better about his abilities). Cam will try to cheat, change the rules, or quit when he is not winning.
What we've done is set out the rules everyone is to follow before we play, no changing once the game begins, and if he tries to cheat then we simply put it away and refuse to play. He's gotten a lot better about it. Last time we played checkers he actually offered his hand for me to shake and said "Good game" when I won.:thumb
We also found a game called Cariboo (http://store.cranium.com/catalog/product_info.php?cPath=1_9&products_id=17), by the makers of Cranium. It's a co-operative game, where the players work together to find the treasure. I love the Cranium games because they involve all players, are really active. Cam has also played Hullaballoo(basically everone has a chance to win, it's a very active game) and we have Cadoo as well.
Board games are great to teach kids social skills like turn-taking, being respectful of other people and also how to win or lose with dignity (we're still working on the concept of being a good winner with Cam, that you can celebrate your win without making the other person feel bad). I used match games and board games a lot with my pre-schoolers when I worked as an ECE. We used a painted rock as a "turn taker", you could only have your turn if you had the rock and when you turn was over you passed it to the next player. That really helped the younger ones as well as made a huge difference for the child with special needs.
I personally don't believe in shielding children from competition or disappointment, because they will have to deal with it in their life. I believe it is our job to help our children learn to deal with those aspects of life, give them the tools they need to handle those situations, and it can start very early. I can tell you from experience that children who are shielded from those aspects of life get very hard lessons later on. I've seen it over and over again.
Good luck! Keep us posted!

[Dar]

When Rain was little I would give her a choice - play by the real rules or her rules? Or sometimes I'd ask if I should play my hardest or let her win for a while. It was up to her, because I really didn't care whether or not I could beat a 4 year old at a game. If winning mattered, she could win, but I think by modeling that winning didn't really matter to me, I helped her get past that. For a lot of games, after we "officially" finished we'd keep playing, like with Rummikub we'd keep picking tiles and playing them until there were no tiles left.

It never was a problem when she was older... she never cheated or anything, because it was clear from the outset that she didn't need to do that to win. When she was ready for the challenge of a real competition, we did that, but at 4 she wasn't usually (except at Set, because she could beat me).

When I was 11 and my brother was 9, we found out that our grandfather had been throwing chess games with us for years, and we were both so upset. We felt like he'd been cheating us by letting him win. Rain started playing chess at 2, and I never threw a game without letting her know I was doing it, and asking if she wanted that. When she was 6 or 7 she stopped wanting me to give her any special treatment. At 8 she beat me, fair and square, for the first time. It was cool...

dar