SAHMs Let's talk here!

[ekblad9]

I have found that I need more support lately for being a SAHM. I guess sometimes I feel like I've failed in some way. I realized this the other day when dh emailed me an IQ test that he had taken. He told me what his score was and asked if I wanted to take it. Well, I did, thinking that I would score really low. I scored higher than he did! I couldn't believe it, literally. I was in shock. He was too, I think. That got me to thinking how much I undervalue what I do based on the fact that I don't get paid for it. Just wondering if others are in that boat.:)

[mcimom]

ummm, I don't undervalue what I do, but I hate that everyone around me (society, not particular individuals) does and that so many of my fellow moms undervalue themselves.

my best friend from HS has her degree in education and left her son at 6 weeks :eek to go back to teaching. mind you her mom is her teaching aide and would have been the one to keep her classroom in her absence and she could have gone right back to her old job the following schoolyear - she had him in november and went back in january instead of waiting to the following september. she could have kept her insurance w/this medical leave, but insisted the reason she "HAD" to go back to work was insurance b/c her hubby is self employed. UGH. Nevermind that they own 3 houses b/c he's in the building business - hey! maybe sell a house dumbass! OK, I'm getting OT now.

Anywho, point being, she says to me one night as we're discussing motherhood (or her nonexistant motherhood) - I don't think I'm ready to be a "mom", but I do enjoy being a "mother." WTF?!?!? You're gone 10 hours a day honey, 5 days a week and you don't HAVE to be. You can pull whatever semantics you want to out of your ass, you ain't either a mom or a mother IMHO. Don't have a kid if you're not "ready" to be a "mom." So, now she's a SAHM b/c her hubby bought a new business and they moved out of the country. And she's :blah about how she has a MA degree (hey! so do I!) and "all" she's doing w/it is making beds and doing dishes - what a waste she says.

WTF!?!?!!??!! She has a degree in EDUCATION. She is raising a small child. How could that be a WASTE!?!? I'm just disgusted by this attitude.

Just b/c you don't have to get a degree to "just" be a "mom" doesn't mean that being a GOOD mom isn't the MOST important job in the world!!!!

In my opinion this is what feminism has done for us. Made the MOST IMPORTANT JOB ON EARTH nothing b/c you don't get a paycheck or need a degree to do it. Women. Sometimes we're our own worst enemy.

OK, deep breaths, that sure was a rant. This is just an issue so close to my heart. I would live in a cardboard box to stay home w/my kids b/c I truly believe that it is the most important thing I can do. Yes, thank god I don't have to be in the position of a single mom b/c then I'd have most likely no choice other than to work, but so many moms work outside the home that don't need to. It is so socially acceptable to have kids in daycare that I'm almost the freak b/c I do stay home w/my kids.

And I think my worst pet peeve is the moms (or others) who claim that they're a better mom b/c they ARE out of the house. I mean, could you sell yourself a bit more short? Yes, I do WOH for a few hours a week after DH is home or I've left them w/MIL. Yes, I do love that time to be a true adult. And when I'm home, Yes, I have days when I'm grumpy. Yes, I have days when I yell. Yes, I have days when I have actually smacked a kid's bum (or even a face once or twice - yikes!). Yes, I have days when I am downright mean and I hate that. BUT I am the best mom my kids can ever have, will ever have simply because it is ME that is their mom. And I might not be perfect and there sure are a hell of a lot more moms (many on these boards) that are better moms than me. But they can never be "my kid's mom" to borrow a phrase from Dr. Laura. YKWIM?

[joyfulheart]

What can I say? I love, love, love being a SAHM. I, too, have a master's degree in education and do not feel I am wasting myself at all by staying home with my babies. To me, it doesn't matter what you do with your life, as long as you're doing what you do with joy...I don't have a case of the grass is greener on the other side, I guess. It's all attitude. Yes, it does suck that many view the SAHM negatively, but who gives a crap what others think? (okay, I do sometimes!) Avoid negative people at all costs! Find positive people to hang with. Or come here for support. And about that brain-drain thing of not being mentally stimulated, I make sure I get together with friends to do some "tribal" raising of my kids and read lots of non-fiction at night. Hope I'm not sounding like I think I have all the answers, 'cause I don't. I just know what works for me...attitude...attitude...attitude...:love

Peace and love,
Joyfulheart

[mcimom]

ugh, i sound so grumpy and I'm really not! it just really bothers me that SAHMotherhood is not more valued than it is by society and by moms.

My positive point w/my long-winded and not-so-positive sounding post is...

SAHMs out there - no matter what you are like on a day-to-day basis (a little grumpy here or there), no matter what you have "given up" (education, career, sanity :wink, etc.) to be home w/your kids, no matter what you DON'T get paid in $, you are doing the most important work on earth and don't you forget it! No matter what your IQ, no matter what your prior education or experience, no matter what moms you may see and think to yourself, "they're doing it better..." - YOU are the BEST mom your kids could ever have! (and despite what they might say, the ONLY one they'd ever want! :wink)

Yay SAHMs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[yoga]

MACMOM, I feel so rejuvinated, now! You can be my personal cheerleader! (do you make housecalls?)

Well, I might overvalue being a SAHM (is that possible?). I appreciate it so much! I often will get ready for bed and run the next day's schedule thru my head, feeling like there's something important I've forgotten or dreading getting up early to go to work. And, then, I remember that my home is my work. I never have to leave if I don't want. I don't have to stress about getting kids ready and fed and to a daycare. I don't have to worry about being late, again.


I'm so grateful for the opportunity/privilege to stay home and raise my kids, I actually thank my husband sometimes.

I love it. (of course, I wouldn't have had it any other way. maybe I should thank myself, too!)

:D

[Pigpen]

I know there are many reasons why some mom's work outside the home...I try not to sound to judgemental because every family is different. That being said, I am so grateful to be able to stay home with our children, sometimes I even feel a twinge of guilt :love I too, would live in a cardboard box, under a bridge or whatever for the privilige of raising my children day and night. I have been given talks by others who put money first who say that maybe I'm doing the kids a disservice by not providing them with the material goods others have. My kids want for nothing materially so I'm not sure what they mean. Oh, that's right, no gameboys, x-boxes, and the other oh so important nessecities of life. I love giving my kids a life of leisure right now, because that will change someday. I don't want them looking back and saying, "when I was 4, I had a math and reading tutor so I could get ahead, violin lessons, chess, soccer..." I want them to remember the feel of sand between the toes, the smell of the air after it rains. Waking up with absolutely no obligations, endless possibilities...I want them to be children, to have that innocence that only lasts for a short time. There will be plenty of time for adulthood. I don't care what others think about our choices, we're happy. We may never buy a home. People tell me it's important, something we need to do to leave to our children. I think a happy, carefree childhood is a better gift. I think it's just choices, what's important to me is not to someone else. If I was the mom who felt my "talents" were "wasted" on raising my own child then, I probably should work outside the home, not doing the children any good with that attitude! All in all, I feel extremely fortunate, and I want to be sure to make this time special for my kids.

[laf369]

I'm a SAHM and I totally dig it. I was one year aways from a M. in Public A. and there was never a question of going back to school right away. I love that I can go to work in my PJ's! It's neat that our days can vary as much as they can stay the same. Some days we're going, going, going and other days I push him around in his Little TYkes car FOR HOURS. Some days we spend outside playing, others we spend in bed asleep.

The "hardest" things tend to simplify our lives, like staying at home, breastfeeding, and cloth diapering. On the outside looking in it seems like soooo much work (it can be) but there's a freedom there that I don't think one can have in a "career". A lot of women don't stay at home (or BF or CD) because they think it will "tie them down". They're the ones who have to be somewhere at the same tme everyday, pay for (nevermind arranging) child care, commute, etc...I'm certainly not tied down by the demands of an outside organization, only by my own limitations. Being aware of what those are keeps me from feeling overwhelmed.

Today I learned that our neighbor just had a baby and she works so much (she's an anethesiologist) that I didn't even know she was pg. The baby is six weeks old and she returned to work last week. DH and I saw the baby and after we left we both exspressed regret that our neighbor couldn't be home with the baby, at least for a little while longer. DH said something like, "Well, my sister did it and her kids turned out wonderfully." They really did, too. Harvard kids with a lot of opportunity. But staying home isn't about how it will affect our children as adults, necessarily, it's about how it affects our children as children!!!
How cool is it that our babies are with us everyday, that we can take them to the park on a whim or spend a day at the zoo!! I think staying at home helps our children make the most of childhood.

P.S. My SIL, who must work, is so envious that I stay home. She's trying to figure out a way to make it work, but that looks doubtful. I take care of her baby, my 4.5mo nephew. If he can't have a SAHM, a stay-at-home aunt comes pretty close. I appreciate my SIL's perspective, though. She wants to quit her job, instead of breastfeeding, because she's tired of pumping.

[yoga]

Laurel, your SIL sounds like she's got it together! :D I quit working b/c I never knew exactly how long I would be away from my baby (due to traffic situations and weather). I've never regretted that decision.

Sometimes, I wonder what I'm doing here at home. I mean, my kids are intelligent, well-fed, and cared for, but every-now-and-then, I wonder if I'm not spending enough quality time with them. B/c I'm on the computer.

Gotta go...:p

[Stacymom]

I am loving this thread- it has seemed to come along at just the right time for me.

I love being a mom! I'm so glad that I can be at home with my beautiful dd, and that I can mange my home and help things run smoothly.

My question is- does anyone else find themselves needing validation? I think the hardest thing about going from a full time career to a full time wife and mom is that I feel like I'm not always appreciated for the thigns that I do. I'm not saying that my husband is a jerk, or that he doesn't support me int he things that I do, but I think that sometimes he and others just don't understand what goes into everyday. I mean, I miss the pats on the back, the accolades in meetings etc. No one seems to notice the loads of laundry that magically ends up folded in drawers, the dishes that are washed, the groceries that are purchased, or the healthy, balanced meals that end up on the table, the toilets that are clean (most of the time...), the errands that are run, etc... How do you deal with the lack of validation? I mean, I feel like I'm doing a good job keeping every thing together, but it sure would be nice if someone else seemed to recognize what I do everyday? Is there anyone else out there that can relate?

[ekblad9]

I know what you mean. Whenever dh gets a raise or has some sort of evaluation I get a little jealous. I mean, some days I'm glad there's no one evaluating me! :LOL But most days I wish someone would notice that I cleaned the toilet AGAIN, did the laundry, schooled the kids, went to the library, post office, made breakfast, lunch, and dinner, etc. I feel like I have to point it out sometimes. I hate that. :angry I know my reward will come when the kids have grown into what they are because of me and all the time I put into them :blah :D but I'm an immediate gratification kind of gal! Anyway, it's nice to be here and be able to share with everyone!:love

[Bladestar5]

I beat my mom on the i.q. test!!
I just feel really sad lately that all I do is cook, clean, and change dipes. Not to say I don't love my family, because I do. It's just that I think nobody realizes I was a person first.

[AnnaReilly]

You ladies rock!!!

I'm a (mostly) SAHM. Right now I am working about 12 hours a week on the days when DH is home to take care of DD but I consider myself a SAHM.

I LOVE being a SAHM. I think it is the greatest gift I can give to DD and my future kids. It really peeves me when people act like I stay at home because I'm lazy or because I can't do anything else. (My BILs seem to feel that way. :( )

The simple fact is that NO ONE knows and loves my kids like DH and I do! :) And I didn't have DD to have someone else take care of her.

I just feel really bad for people who feel that they *can't* stay home with their kids. I 've had so many people tell me that they wish they could stay home but that they couldn't afford it meanwhile they drive a brand new car and have a boat and a cabin and all these extras. DH and I might not have much money to throw around, but there are more important things than money. For us, one of us staying home with DD is a priority, having a big screen t.v. is not.

[yoga]

Amen, Anna Reilly! :D

About validation...I just take mine. Like, the other day, I was in a cleaning frenzy, so when dh came home, I asked him what all I had done that day (what he could tell by looking around). He only missed one thing. I felt really appreciated and noticed. :D (how needy is THAT?)

Of course, the house has been a mess all winter, so it's pretty easy to tell when I've been cleaning. :rolleyes:

I like it that way, tho. I like things to get horrible, and then, make them all pretty and nice, again. That way, I feel like I actually accomplished something. Otherwise, I feel like I'm just running around in a circle, cleaning just to clean.

[joyfulheart]

Thanks for bringing up the point of needing validation! I am a Pavlavion dog when it comes to validation. Luckily, dh is aware of this and sincerely thanks me every evening when he comes home for taking care of the kids and making dinner (when I happen to do so!) Anyway, these posts remind me of a favorite joke...

a dad comes home from work - the mom is on the couch in her bathrobe, the kids are running around still in their pajamas, there's dirty dishes all over the kitchen, crap everywhere, the house is in shambles, so he asks the mom, "What happened?" to which she replies, "You know how you come home everyday and ask me what I did for the day? Well, today I didn't do it.":D ---kinda corny, I know, but hey, I laughed when I heard it because it rang true for me!

Don't you all think being a SAHM would be so much easier if we weren't all alone in our homes trying to do things by ourselves. Don't you think it'd be so much easier (and much more fun) if we did 'tribal' mothering...where we raised our kids together? It sure would make going to the bathroom much easier without an audience of little faces...and the dog, too, of course..

Love and peace,
Joyfulheart:love

[mama2girls]

I wanted to quote at least four of your posts, so I know that I've come to a thread where I feel right at home!! I am a SAHM to my two beautiful dds and proud of it. And most of my fam is, too. But dh's family, well, not to make this a rant against the ils but they didn't value my education when I was getting it (finished a MA in May '02) and now are constantly asking me when I'm going to look for a job. Hello! :duh I HAVE a job! And frankly, to dh and I it's the most important job there is. I am raising and loving and caring for my children. AFter all, who better to take care of them than thier parent?

Whew, that came out fast! Anyway, I was in grad school when I got pg with dd#1 and that was hard, but ok. I felt like a sahm since I was with her most of the time. I spent a semester student teaching and that was soooo hard! I missed her so much. We planned for #2 to arrive after I was done so I could stay home and it's wonderful.

Joyful, yep about the bathroom, and the cats, too!!
MACMOM-let it out, it's ok! We agree!
omega--I too, try not to be judgemental. My favorite aunt is a single mom who must work. She left an abusive drug addict of a husband to make a better life for her kids. I feel bad that she has to work, but she has no option. That said, she does have my grandmother living with her to help care for the kids (anymore it's just a shuttle service :D). But the awesome part is that she totally supports me and validates what I am doing. :D :D

[mcimom]

OT - but I love the blah emoticon and I noticed many of you do too!

I second the validation thing. My dh is not the best at it, yet he constantly wants validation for what he does - working like a dog at a job he doesn't much care for to support his family. And when he does take the girls (older 2) for an hour or so, he is like nailed-to-the-cross in full on martyr-mode when I get home. puhlease. I do it every day and you treat it like it's no big deal. Why should I get down on my knees for 2 measly hours in which I pawned the baby off on my sis to walk around the mall with while I got a pedicure? A much DESERVED pedicure I might add. Ah well. DH is a whole 'nother story.

I do have to say my ILs are the BEST at validation. We see them 2x a week usually and I don't think I've ever had a visit where they didn't praise me to the hills as the best mom since MIL! And MIL claims I'm better, but FIL can't piss off the wife, right? :LOL

My family does okay, they are way mainstream and believe that daycare is no big deal and that many kids are "better off" in daycare. WTF?!?!?! But I think they do appreciate what I do. I constantly try to pump my mom up for SAHMing w/us. It is a big deal.

My kids are the best source of validation though. My almost 4yo is just starting to learn "manners" and when she's in a good mood is constantly thanking me for "fixing me cereal for breakfast, mommy", "for borrowing (buying) me this dress at the store mommy", "for taking me to gymboree and pizza hut, mommy" - SOOO cute! And there's nothing like a babe in a milk coma in your arms to say "you're doing the right thing, mom!" :thumb

[Pigpen]

Originally posted by joyfulheart

Don't you all think being a SAHM would be so much easier if we weren't all alone in our homes trying to do things by ourselves. Don't you think it'd be so much easier (and much more fun) if we did 'tribal' mothering...where we raised our kids together? It sure would make going to the bathroom much easier without an audience of little faces...and the dog, too, of course..

Yes! I've given this a lot of thought b/c I know quite a few stay at home moms. The tribe thing doesn't happen for us I think because there is so much stupid mother competitiveness (which in my opinion is just mom insecurities). We all need each other but when together it's all about who's child is doing what and how "early", how spotless is your house? What, he's not fluent in French yet?, hmmmm... It's dumb! I really try to be as real as I can with others. They see me, my kids and my house as it really is. BUT...even I catch myself doing it sometimes :rolleyes: Why???? Have any of you experienced the tribe as it should be? How'd ya do it?

[joyfulheart]

Oh, yeah, I have experienced the tribe thing with a couple of my SAHM friends. It can be soooooo wonderful. We just hang together with our kiddies from morning 'til dinner talking, knitting, helping each other organize, taking turns going for walks alone, even prepping dinner together and splitting the food into two parts and viola! dinner is served! I also hang out with a group of moms and our younger babes on Thursday mornings while our older ones are in school...want to talk about validation!! And I have to say, I immediatley disassociate from any group of women where there is competition or phoney-baloney going on. My school group is easy because it is a Waldorf school and if you're going to a Waldorf school, you sure as hell aren't in it so Johnny can read before anyone else! I do believe tribal mothering is where it's at and when I've experienced it can be blissful!

How'd I find these groups? Lots and lots of looking in the right places and lots of risk taking leaving groups and friends that weren't a good match -- left me drained, felt like I sold myself out by not being true to who I am...you know what I mean!

Any of you live in the Seattle area? I'd love to try tribing it with you!

Joyfulheart:love

[mama2girls]

Originally posted by MACMOM
I second the validation thing. My dh is not the best at it, yet he constantly wants validation for what he does - working like a dog at a job he doesn't much care for to support his family. And when he does take the girls (older 2) for an hour or so, he is like nailed-to-the-cross in full on martyr-mode when I get home. puhlease. I do it every day and you treat it like it's no big deal. Why should I get down on my knees for 2 measly hours in which I pawned the baby off on my sis to walk around the mall with while I got a pedicure? A much DESERVED pedicure I might add. Ah well. DH is a whole 'nother story.

I'm :LOL and :crying at that... my dh has the girls for two hours and needs a 15 min break by himself. I have them for 10+ hours every day and seldom even get time when both are sleeping anymore! Men are weird.

[Stacymom]

The ribal mothering thing would be a dream come true for me! And I laughed like crazy :rotflmao :bgbounce at the bathroom comment! I can't tell you how many times dh has aked me "Why don't you just close the door?" when I say that I want privacy in the bathroom- it's either have a small audience or listen to her scream hysterically on the other side of the door. Anyway, there are a handful of SAHMs in ym neighborhood that I am friendly with, but no one that I could spend that kind of extended time with, if you know what I mean. It does come down to competeitiveness, and a lot of negativity about husbands, families, kids, situations, etc and I can't stand that. I think that women are inherently more understanding of our need for validation, and that's why I love this board. Can I tell you that there are some days where I want to come here and list what I did that day and what I made for dinner, etc just so that someone can recognize what a day I've had!

Chaka- I loved your comment about asking for you own validation. I think I will probably have to use it often! :D

My cute mom ent came the other day though- I was completely exhausted and discouraged, and was sitting on my bedroom floor crying. My dear, sweet, 17 month old dd cam up to me, looking very ocncerned and started to pat my back rhythmically. I smiled a little at that, knowing that she was starting to pick up on all the things that we have done for her all this time. :love

[Pigpen]

Okay Joyfulheart, I'm completely jealous (in a good way :D ) and I'm moving to Seattle. Now, how to tell my husband...

[joyfulheart]

omegamama:hug Come on up, sister!

AM Mom and Staceymom - it is like a big party in the bathroom everytime we go, huh??...my smart-ass dh jokingly brings himself and our 90 pound dog into our tiny bathroom when I yell for him to come get out our babes...next he'll be draggin' in the fish bowl...sigh...

Peace and love,
Joyfulheart:love

[joesmom]

most people go to the bathroom alone?! i had NO idea!

love this thread. can't type now but i will check back!

love, jenny:hippie

[mama2girls]

And then there's the bathroom when you're out, complete with the double stroller, so the baby can sit while you're going, and the whining toddler who has finally decided that she wants to sit on the potty!! But enough potty talk...

[Pigpen]

Sorry, I have to continue the potty talk... I love taking both boys in the public restroom where the toilet is no where near the door, the same door that they are both trying to open while you're taking care of business. :rolleyes: Have you ever tried stopping midstream b/c you're about to be exposed to the world sitting on the pot? Ughh! Yet another reason to do your Kegals! :blush

[Bladestar5]

:LOL I hate taking kids into public restrooms!!

[Pynki]

Well all..

i thought i would join in.. I am a sahm of 2 ( to be 3 in July) and all boys.. ( WHAT WAS I THINKING???!!! JK)

Dh works from home right now, and the boys LOVE the access they have to him... He may not work at home forever, but they love knowing he is here too...

It also makes running to the groc store easier since i can leave them at home with him during their naps so i can shop alone!! HURRAY!!! Ah, the simple pleasures....

Well, that's all i have..

Warm Squishy Feelings...

Dyan
:D

[mcimom]

oh y'all, sometimes i have to remind myself to close the bathroom door in a public place or someone else's house b/c i'm so used to peeing w/an audience, it doesn't even phase me. half the time i do just prop the shopping cart in the doorway and go - who cares!
:inthet

[charmarty]

Totally glad this thread is here!Thank you for startinng it.
I love and really apreciate everything my dh does to enable me to stay at home(works 2 jobs)one at night and one 10 hours during the day).I love the oppertunity and could not imagine leaving my girls to daycare right now.Heck I cant even imagine them in school right now!
What I struggle with sometimes is I find myself spacing out alot,and seeking things to do away from them for a while.I dont know if this is normal or what?Anyone else do this too?
Oh and I feel sometimes too guilty for spending too much time cleaning ect.......My grandmother said to me today,"Charmaine I am just so impressed by how much time you spend with your girls"You really do put alot into playing with them"
When she said that I actually felt guilty.I dont feel like I spend that much tiem with them.I feel like I am always saying,,"just a minute,mommy is busy right now...or mommy has her hands full righ tnow..........."

[lisamarie]

I am a "new" SAHM (since January) and LOVE:love it. I cannot believe how busy I stay and our dd hasn't even arrived yet. Wish we could have done it earlier, but so thankful that we can have me at home now. My dh and ds are loving it too!:thumb

Warmly~

Lisa:hug

[ekblad9]

Charmarty - I think what you're feeling is totally normal. I can't seem to find a balance. I feel guilty when I play with the kids and guilty when I clean. Not that my house is very clean! I do try, though. Luckily I have a dh that doesn't notice the house and never really says much when it's a mess!:D

[galadriel]

I've been a SAH Wife for the last 2 years, and it's been so delicious-- just gardening, walking, thinking, whatever I want. (And cooking and cleaning...) And I'm about to become a SAHM any day now. I've gotten a glimpse lately of a few things; namely, working my butt off all day (nesting, you know) scrubbing and cooking and cooking (stocking the freezer) and all sorts of things, and there is nobody to acknowledge it, nobody to say "good job" or give me a raise or a promotion.

I know I will be working much harder with a baby, and I get jealous when DH gets raises and pats on the back and all sorts of praise at work. I mean, I love it for him, but I want that, too! I have no desire to re-enter the workforce, but I think that's why some women feel like better moms for it-- because it can be a great source of self-esteem and they get to use that other part of their brain, maybe.

We all know that mothering is incredibly important and all-- but if you're not part of a mothering community, where does your self-esteem and validation come from? Can it really just come from within, and be enough?

As it is, I give myself raises and performance reviews, and instruct my husband to praise me liberally (which he happily does). But I would like a bit more from society. I can only imagine how acutely I may feel this once the baby comes out!!

[Lucky Charm]

Can it really just come from within, and be enough?
Utimately, yes.
i am responsible for my own happiness....meaning, my children bring me joy, yes, but my happiness comes from deep within myself. hubby brings happiness and light, but he does not make me happy, kwim?

i come here to MDC to feel better

[RainCityMama]

I too am a full time Mama and I would have it no other way!
I was teaching before my son was born and I *Thought* I was going to go back part-time, but the minute I laid eyes on him I knew I could never leave him :love

I wish that as a whole our soceity appreciated all the work that we SAHMs do, think the world would be a better place if more parents (One of our neighbors is a stay at home dad!) chose to stay home and raise their babies full-time.

I also must admit that sometimes I could use someone OTHER than my husband patting my back for a job well done (at times my hsuband telling me what a great job I'm doing is like my mom telling me I'm pretty! :rolleyes: ) 'cause let's face it being a mama is HARD WORK! :Bow It takes a lot of patience and understanding and I think you have to give so much of yourself to little people that's it's easy to lose ones self altogether :bolt

That said, I do LOVE being a mom so much and all of the difficulties seem so small in comparison to the expereince of watching my babies grow and change and being a consistant person in their lives - it's sounds so corny but when I get that "I love you mommy!" out of the blue it reminds me why my kids are my life :crying

:blah Sorry this is so rambbley (is that a word?) I've been up since 5:00am with my beautiful angels :zzz

[ekblad9]

Whoever coined the phrase stay at "home" mom wasn't talking about me! LOL! We've had a crazy couple of weeks. It's winding down now, thank goodness. We're selling our house so it has to be kept clean and I hate that!:angry I also hate all the running I do. When these activities are done I don't think we're signing up for more for a while. How do you all balance activities and such?

[Irishmommy]

That's easy - don't do activities! Right now I only have my 8 yo in stuff - dance and Brownies, and that's hard enough. The others are all younger, but come September it will be harder, when they get into stuff (if they are here).

I hate that I don't get to talk to other adults. I have no friends. Just acquaintances that I can say hi to at school. I stopped calling people to see what would happen, and my phone doesn't ring. Tells me a lot. If it wasn't for here, I'd have no adult conversation (except for dh of course). Then again, it wouldn't be much different if I worked, and I'd rather be home.

[RainCityMama]

Oh Irishmommy, me too, my only adult conversation during the day is my husband and ocassionally my sister who calls me on the phone when she has a free moment from work - and my 3 year old talks SOOOO much that sometimes I can't even get a word in edgewise with either of them :rolleyes:

I so wish I had more of a 'tribe' where I live - My real fantasy however, is if we could make the money we make now but my husband could stay home WITH me and we could raise the kids together :thumb That would just RULE!

[ekblad9]

I am SO fortunate to have two really good friends. One comes to mdc too (tnrsmom). And another is such a wonderful friend. I talk to both daily. I usually talk to tnrsmom about twenty times/day :LOL I would surely go nuts without them! I know I would also go nuts without MDC!:D

[Stacymom]

Funny that this should come up tonight. I just got off the phone with a close friend who also spends quite a bit of time here, and we were talking about this exact issue- the isolation and loneliness that SAHM's can feel sometimes. I don't know what the answer is, although I did tell my friend that she just needed to move into my negihborhood! :D

[TigerTail]

hey y'all- glad i found ya- gotta boogie, but wanted to check in. what you said- double.

suse sahm to three- tandem nursing two in dipes, so my boobs are gonna explode- they've been asleep for hours, gotta go wake 'em up!

suse

[mcimom]

oh i agree. you've gotta find a tribe irl helps, but online has done wonders for me too. i don't get a lot of affirmation or appreciation from my dh and i'm tired of talking to him - mdc has saved me. i don't know what i'd do w/out it!

we have a playgroup that i've been in since my dd1 was 6 mos old. there are 5 of us moms and i don't have too much in common w/them, and probably wouldn't be friends w/them except for our kids, but having them go through first time motherhood w/me was essential to my sanity. i'm so glad i had them and it so helped that our kids are all w/in a month of each other. that was great as a first time mom staying home.

gotta go, crying babe...

[MamaMonica]

I'v been home with my kids now almost 4 years and I love being a mom but I wish I had more SAHM friends. I have two pretty good mom friends and my sister and the rest are casual. I lost most of my childlss friends just bcause I can't do things on their schedules.

My DS naps in the afternoon and some people with kids DDs age only go out in the afetrnoon, so that cuts out doing things right there. Also, I need to be home for their bedtime so I don't go out to evening meetings (joined a Homeschool group- but their meetings are 8pm).

It would be nice if moms could just talk over the back fence and not have all this scheduling stuff. I sometimes go days without talking to anothr adult besides dh if I can't schedule somthing like a playdate.

[Gemini]

I had my dd 9 weeks early and stayed home with her for 12 weeks AFTER she came home after a month the hospital. I went back to work part time while my hubby was home, but that lasted about a minute before I went to casual at work (thank goodness for flexibility) and am very glad I did it, and so is my hubby (he wanted it from the get-go). We have another dd now too!

I have the guilt of the house-that-is-so-messy-it's-a-fire-hazard, but whenever I get into cleaning something, it's the time when my 3 year old comes to me to play and I HATE saying "Not now, I'm cleaning." I just hate the feeling I have when I say that, so I play with my girls and have a messy house. My hubby is great at helping wih house work and not hassling me about it. I am truly blessed.
But I do have the feelings of isolation that you all are talking about, and the phone never ringing, I also get short and crabby at my girls at times but do love being home with them. My hubby does a great job of showing his appreciation for all I do, even though the house is a pit a lot.
My one true solice is my girlfriend from high school (who posts here...Nemmer) that I talk to very often (live in different states) either by phone (thank god for Sam's Club phone cards!!) or instant messenging. Our babies are the same age and it's so nice to talk to someone in the same boat.
It's also tough since my 3 yo was diagnosed with diabetes last year 2 months before I was to deliver #2. Can you say STRESS!? But it's finally incorporated into our lives now instead of our lives centered around the diabetes, and dd is a real trooper.
I wish I had more friends to do things with, but I just enjoy my girls while they're young!

[sarasprings]

I read your posts very quickly -- how do you have time for the computer with a little one? Mine is taking his 1/2 hour nap, so I have only a few minutes more.

I had DH last May, stayed home through the summer. DH and I are both teachers, so we had timed my preg. that way. After a stressful summer (with a beyond-colic baby), I started working 3 days a week in Sept. I made more than DH, so it was hard for me to SAH full-time. I felt many twinges of guilt, especially because DS had a very hard time adjusting to daycare. The first person he went to (well referenced), called me at 11:00 in the morning because he cried the whole morning and gave me our money back. We figured a daycare center might be a better placement because more people would be around. After his first 1/2 day at a national center chain, the director made the comment that they can't provided one-on-one care. The next week the caregiver told me he wanted to be held or near someone the entire day. Now, I've worked with at home and daycare providers. What do they expect a baby to do the first day away from the momma? How hard is it to sit down with a group of children so there are a bunch close by? Anyway, switched again (I know consistency is important, but so is being with people who want to take care of kids) to the Y. DS had great caregivers who were patient and kept him close by all day. He is a total flirt and enjoyed the interaction with other adults and children (I know he would have preferred being with me).

Anyway, DS had cold after cold and was just miserable, so in January, I quit my job. (We saw one of his caregivers from the Y at a store in March and DS reached out for her giggling and laughing -- I was shocked he remembered her after 2 months.) We are using savings so I can be at home, but it is worth it. We definitely need to come up with a plan so I can stay at home past next year. We're going to try to rent our house out for a few weeks this summer. Thought about moving into a smaller house, but the expense of moving, plus we just refinanced, to save $200 a month make it seem like a silly idea. I'm thinking hard of something else I can do to make that much money up.

I don't know many people in this area. We moved here 4 years ago, but a lot of the teachers DH and I know have families and spend their time doing things with extended family. For both of us, our best friends are still ones from college. I am lucky in that I met another momma from a near by town at pre-birthing classes and we both had our babies 3 weeks early, so we hooked up at the hospital. She is also a SAHM, so we get together at least once a week and talk almost daily.

I would love having a tribe. When I lived in Seattle, I remember that there were a few communities being built on one or two islands in the Sound where there were common areas that all families shared and everyone would have dinner together once a week (or so). I think that would be ideal. How wonderful it would be to live closely with like-minded people, knowing each other's children well enough to provide safety, guidance, and consistency.

RainCityMama, I love that DH is a teacher because we have the greatest time when the family is all together. 10 weeks until summer break!

Little one's awake. Got to go.

Glad you're all here!

[sarasprings]

Second nap of the day. My above post is very long, and I'm not sure is has the essence of what I wanted to say. So...

I'm glad my baby gave me the kick I needed to stay home. I love being with him and for me, it's easier than being a working momma. DH gives me all the validation I need because he doesn't expect me to get anything done, but help keep our baby healthy and happy.

Also, RainCityMama -- my little note to you looks so rude -- I just wanted to say that if DH could be home all year, I would love it, too. But, I feel lucky that he has a teacher's schedule.

[RainCityMama]

sarasprings, No worries, I totally understood what you meant :thumb
I was teaching before my first child was born and I loved having my summers free :nod

[doulamoon]

When people ask me what I do, I always say "I'm a SAHM" before I remember that I actually do have a job outside the house - 2 days a weeks I teach my dd's preschool class - do I qualify?

[smittenmom]

I love, love, love being a SAHM! I always knew that's how it would be when I had kids, and dh and I waited to start our family until he had a good job that could support us. I know it sounds a little critical of WOHMs, but I didn't have a baby to hand it over to someone else to raise. That's MY job. I think a lot of people are too hung up on their "stuff" and don't want to give it up even to raise their kids. But I realize there are some people who legitimately have to have a job.

As far as validation, it's very validating when I tell people what I do and the general response is, "You're so lucky!" Well, yeah, I think so, too! Dh is also pretty good at telling me that I'm doing a good job, especially when he knows I had a rough day (although I agree that sometimes it's like your mom telling you that you're pretty!). In the beginning he wasn't quite as supportive, making comments about all the things we could afford if I was working, or about how I don't use my brain. And when I'd complain about how hard my day was, his attitude was sort of "well, you asked for it". I finally had a conversation with him that went something like, "I know that you love your job, but there are days when you come home and complain about it. I don't tell you that since you wanted the job you shouldn't have any complaints. It's the same with me. I LOVE staying home with dd, but I should also be allowed to vent once in a while." He's been more understanding since then.

[yoga]

doulamoon, yes, you qualify.

OK, maybe this is as good as any to discuss this topic: husbands.

I know I'm not the only woman in the world whose dh refuses to think for himself. Am I the only one on MDC?

I often feel like I'm not only the mother to my wonderful children, but also to my dh. If he has to think of something or do something on his own, there is trouble.

Anyone sympathize with this? There's no changing him. I've tried. I just have to accept it and move on, I guess.

[Pigpen]

If only there was some way I could play the theme to the Twilight Zone...I was just thinking about this, those very words came to mind. But, I can't say much cause he's a member here, don't want to get in trouble :D Love you honey! But, Chaka, man oh man, if I could, I'd say, maybe we're married to the same guy!

[yoga]

:LOL
if I could, I'd say, maybe we're married to the same guy!
Let's hope not! :D He's got two amazing women thinking for him and he still can't get it together?

He's in trouble! :p

[Pigpen]

In a way, I think that's part of the problem...my husband wasn't actually raised by his mom, but by his grandma who was wonderful. So wonderful that all he had to do was play, no real responsibility, always the baby, taken care of. Fast forward 20 years and, thanks grandma! He still just wants to play!!!!! Other than that, he's wonderful (did you hear that dearest?) Ugh, I'm going to get in trouble, but it's not like we don't have this discussion every month or so :rolleyes: :hippie

[smittenmom]

Yes, my dh is the same way. Perfect example just last night.... I had asked him to call his mother to ask her a question. After I went to bed, I remembered that I didn't remind him to do it, so I knew it wouldn't be done (I was right!). That's how everything is. I can ask him to do something or tell him about something I've planned for us, but unless I remind him three or four times he won't remember. Sometimes I seriously wonder how he ever survived before we met. I know he was a fairly competent person at one point, but now that I'm around to make all the plans and remember all of our commitments, he seems to think he doesn't have to waste brain space on it!

[mcimom]

okay, we're all married to the same guy :LOL my dh was totally spoiled my his mom and dad - they act like he walks on water - and he expects this from everyone. ugh :rolleyes:

he is almost completely worthless. he will not pick up the baby. he will not change a diaper. he is just so lazy. and any little thing he does, he expects high praise for. bleh.

my sig should say "mother to 4: 3 beautiful girls and one lazy 33yo BOY" i have to "work around" and "please" him as much if not more than all 3 kids combined.

sheesh.

[yoga]

We should write "Return to Sender" on their foreheads and give them back.

:D

[mcimom]

ooooh, except his mom won't take him! he chased her away at Easter and now he's on her shit list too :rolleyes: At least he keeps the paychecks coming...

[ekblad9]

:angry This whole dh thing really burns me up. How did this happen to them anyway? I don't want to do this to my sons. My dh does basically nothing around the house as well. We're moving soon (well, in a few months) and I don't want to wait until the last minute to pack and sort and purge. So I've been doing it for a few hours at night when the kids are in bed and on the weekends. What do you think HE does? Watches TV, reads, sleeps. Whatever. I mean, why would he help? :confused: It's VERY frustrating! But, he does go to work and get paid so I have to keep him around!:)

He will hold the baby and change diapers so I guess he's not THAT bad. He's unconcious alot, though, so it's not much help!

[Irishmommy]

Amy, remind him that if he doesn't help purge/pack, then he has no right to complain if things get "lost" in the move!!

[yoga]

Excellent advice, Irish!

Ekblad, I go thru that too. That's why we won't be moving again for a few years. Last time, Carlos couldn't find certain records once we got moved in (music is his cherished belonging), and I reminded him that if he had packed his music like I'd asked, he'd know where everything was. After that, he stopped asking me where they were.

I no longer take responsibility for things lost or broken when he refuses to put them away himself. At least, not out loud. Inside, I feel sooooo badly for him. :(

:rolleyes:

[t-elaine]

I just had to share this e-mail I recieved with all of you fellow SAHMs.
Tina

In a message dated 4/27/03 9:41:47 PM,
birdlady1550@webtv.net writes:
A woman named Emily renewing her driver's
license at the County Clerk's
office was asked by the woman recorder to state her
occupation.
She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
"What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you
have a job, or are you
just a .....?"
"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a
mother."
"We don't list 'mother' as an occupation...
'housewife' covers it," said
the recorder emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found
myself in the same
situation, this time at our own Town Hall.
The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised,
efficient, and possessed of
a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator"
or "Town Registrar."

"What is your occupation?" she probed.

What made me say it, I do not know... The words
simply popped out.

"I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child
Development and Human
Relations."

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair,
and looked up as
though she had not heard right.

I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most
significant words.
Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was
written in bold, black ink
on the official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest,
"just what you do in
your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I
heard myself reply,

"I have a continuing program of research, (what
mother doesn't?), in the
laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have
said "indoors and out").
I'm working for my Masters, (the whole darned
family), and already have four
credits, (all daughters). Of course, the job is one
of the most demanding in
the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I
often work 14 hours a
day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more
challenging than most
run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of
a satisfaction rather
than just money."

There was an increasing note of respect in the
clerk's voice as she
completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered
me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my
glamorous new career, I
was greeted by my lab assistants - ages 13, 7, and
3. Upstairs I could hear
our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby), in
the child-development
program, testing out a new vocal pattern.
I felt triumphant! I had scored a beat on
bureaucracy! And I had gone on
the official records as someone more distinguished
and indispensable to
mankind than "just another mother."

Motherhood.....What a glorious career!

Especially when there's a title on the door. Ha !!

Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research
Associates in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations" and great
grandmothers "Executive
Senior Research Associates"? I think so!
And it makes Aunts "Associate Research Assistants"
too!

Here is wishing you a Happy "Research
Associate in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations" Day! (ie
Mothers Day)

[Stayathomedad]

thats not a good expression!I'm happy!

[yoga]

:w

[TieDyeMom]

"I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child
Development and Human
Relations."

I'm one of those too!!:D

I haven't quite mastered the field of Interior Architectural Betterment, though. Anyone have any tips on keeping my dishes and laundry at bay while ap'ing my 8 month old dd- I'm still trying to figure it out. Luckily DH is understanding and helpful.

[ekblad9]

I can't keep the laundry and dishes under control either. Although I will say that I recently purchased an Ergo carrier and can papoos ds3 on my back. It makes a huge difference in terms of being able to carry things and wash dishes. I also have a Maya Wrap, Baby Trekker, and REI backpack (yes, I'm a carrier junkie!) but the Ergo is really good for household tasks!:D

[brusselsproutgirl]

[QUOTE=Chaka Falls]MACMOM, I feel so rejuvinated, now! You can be my personal cheerleader! (do you make housecalls?)
.


I'm so grateful for the opportunity/privilege to stay home and raise my kids, I actually thank my husband sometimes.

And yes sometimes I feel annoyed that my dh gets to go to the bathroom by himself or listen to the music he wants on the ride home, but I'd never trade SAH for anything. My beautiful babies are so worth it. My oldest will be 5 in March and although he's in a tiny coop preschool now I'm planning on keeping him home through gradeschool at least. This is a recent decision because while I was helping out at my ds's school I noticed how far advanced he was compared to the other children. Then when I really started paying attention I noticed significant lack of creative spirit in the kids who go directly to daycare from school. My son brings home pages where he has drawn his own pictures around the picture he was supposed to color. The daycare kids seem content to mindlessly color in the lines. I say yeah stay at home moms we're being paid/rewarded in so many unnoticed ways every day.

Let's keep cheering eachother on! As well as the most important job I believe it is the hardest. Being an AP SAHM has isolated me a lot and refined and tested every skill I have!

peace, love and understanding, Kate