Negative comments

[Free Thinker]

I am due in 3 weeks, and I am getting so tired of all the advice I keep getting. I usually just let it slide, but for some reason it's really starting to bother me. Mainly when my mom laughs at the things I have gotten, or rolls her eyes at me. A few examples are:

Boppy pillow- everyone who comes over notices that wierd thing that they've never seen before. "what is that???" they ask. I explain that when BFing it raises the baby to a higher level, and can also be used to prop baby up for play. Everyone thinks this is the biggest waste of $$, and a total joke; not to mention the "Well, you'd better be sure and have formula and bottles incase you don't like BFing! It hurts! I tried, but it just wasn't worth it"

Pacifiers- I have one pack that was a gift, and I'm not buying anymore unless I decide that the baby really needs them. My BFing instructor said they are the biggest cause in BFing not working, besides latch. My mother thinks that this is just rediculous, and that I just *have* to give the baby a paci!

Cloth diapers- I got the good ones, FB, kissaluvs and a few WAHM dipes that are just soooo cute. I have some CPFs too. My mom just thinks this is the biggest hoot she's ever heard of, and refuses to use them while she's here. Not such a big deal since I don't plan on using them for the first few weeks, but I would like a little encouragement. Mom also thinks they will have to be soaked in bleach to be really clean.

And the thing that makes me the maddest is telling me I won't be able to do something, especially bf! My mom also thinks I need to give the baby formula half of the time so that others (read she) can watch her. I keep telling her that no one will watch the baby for more than an hour or so for a long time, and even then I will be less than 5 minutes away, and reachable by cell phone!!! I don't know what she's going to say about my sling!!! I can just hear the laughter now. I am not even going to bring up the topic of vaccinations, and I hope she never thinks about it. If I say anything at all she tells me I read too much, and think about these things too much. I guess I'm supposed to just go with the flow, and not learn about everything first. Anyone have any good advice for a first time mom? I am worried about the BFing thing, now. I don't plan on supplimenting w/ anything. I"ll be at home w/ baby all of the time, so I don't even have a pump. I went to a class, and I think I will be able to do just fine. The LC will be at the hospital, or I can call her w/ any questions.

TIA :)

Can you tell I'm getting nervous:(

[galadriel]

Ugh!! I'm so sorry you have to put up with that. I hope you have some support elsewhere!!! I'm due in the next week or two, and I've had to set boundaries with family myself. If I had to, I would just lay down the law, like "this is the way it's gonna be, I'M the mom, and this is my house; if you wanna see your grandchild then you'll respect that". (But then, I'm kind of confrontational.)

Have you talked to her about it at all? I told my mom preemptively not to give me any unsolicited advice, or else chances are that I would get really mad at her. She's been pretty good about it!

Of COURSE you can Bf!!!! It'll be great for your mom to see you sticking to your principles and setting this kind of example. If I really thought my mom would give the baby formula, pacis, and perhaps even disposables without my permission, she would not be welcome!

(I hope I remember this if I become a grandmother someday!)

:hug

[christymama]

Take a deep breath!!! It will be ok i promise. People who say things like that in a neg form are either not comfortable with it themselves (which is just fine) or not very educated. There are so many ways to take care of a baby and who is to say your way isnt the right way or your way is the wrong way! You cant ! If everyone in this world raised their kids the exact same then this world would be very BORING! you learn from every mother which i think is a wonderful thing. You do what you want to do. You never know if you will like any of the things unless you try .. If not then great you learned for next time if you do then great you will already know what to do with the next one!! Dont let other people bring you down on your happy moments ahead!! God Bless!!:love

[Evergreen]

YOu sound like you are going to be a great mother! I have an 8 week old and experianced something similar, although everyone, (esp. my mom) was incredibly supportive of bfing. By the way, it did hurt (but only a little and only for about 5 days, my nipples did scab up, but it is such a wonderful experiance. Formula is gross!Even only giving it 1/2 the time will decrease your milk supply.
i was never worried about being able to breastfeed, it is such a natural thing to do, BUT I found myself in difficulties the first few days. It was tough, she was so small and wobbly it took both my husband and I to position her correctly. Plus, I thought I was doing it wrong due to the scabs. After 4 days of struggles it just clicked. I think you'll be just fine, remember the more comfy (physically and mentaly ) you are the easier bfing is.

#1-Boppy pillow. I have one with a cute cover, so do most mothers I know of, however after dd outgrew the football hold I havent used it, but I think I will try again to have more handsfree time.

#2Pacifiers. never used, yes, they do interfere with the bfing relaitonship/latch.

#3-Cloth diapers, my mom said the same thing. I said, "I guess you'll never watch her then." Guess who now comments on how cute dd looks in her cloth diapers. She's never watched her (noone will for a while) but has changed her, and honestly, has changed her stance!

She does have vaccination issues, but I gave her a few books to read and told her she can debate me all she wants when she has information about boththe pros and the cons! Stick to your guns.

[Bladestar5]

Some people are so ignorant.
I never have used pacifiers...I tried it once and neither baby wanted them. Their hands are good enough chewy things....

Bleach would really hurt the baby's butt. What does she wash her underwear in?? My goodness...we all have had bodily fluids on our clothes....It isn't as if the baby is going to chew on the diapers anyhow for goodness sakes.

Breasts are made for feeding babies, not for men to play with...but don't try telling them that:LOL

I never had a Boppy, but heard wonderful things about them....and it is your baby, not theirs....you should have someone pretend to pick on you so you can think of some tactful but witty remarks.

[mamaley]

Oh yeah, I totally dealt with that stuff. But the great thing about these comments is that, in most cases, you get to prove them wrong! Especially with the breastfeeding. I hardly knew any women who had done it, plus I was 20 so I think a lot of people didn't think I'd be able to stick with it (whatever). My stepmother was always saying how much it hurt and how she just hated it and how I probably wouldn't want to stick with it either, but I did it for 6 months--which was too short to me, but you wouldn't believe how much these people shut up! They were honestly impressed. Not that I cared by then.
My mother was way overbearing--totally thought something was going to go wrong. But, she sees how we're fine, and that I've stuck with what I believe in, and she's totally mellowed (and has even said that I'm one of the best mothers she knows!).
I'm assuming this is your first child--just to warn you that you end up putting up with this crap for a while--everyone thinks they can tell you anything about how they feel about your parenting. But you learn not to care, to trust yourself, and it's pretty empowering, although a pain in the neck. :)
Good luck, and keep being tough! :)

[maudlin]

I can totally empathize! I am hearing a lot of the same things, not from my mom, but from my inlaws. We just basically try to ignore them and just let them talk, but when the time comes we will do things our way. I know that is a lot harder to do with your own mom because you really want her to share in your excitement. I'm sorry you have to go through that.

You will be able to breastfeed! The difference is that you have decided to. You are committed, and when problems arise, you know where to turn for help. I think that lack of support is one of the biggest problems, but you have been educating yourself, which is a great thing, and you will be able to see it through! Good luck. (This little pep talk is for myself too!)

[mamaley]

PS--our boppy pillow was a lifesaver. We used it a lot when the baby was learning to sit up, and we also had problems with him on his belly--he hated it, and doctor was concerned that he wouldn't life his head--so that helped with that a little too. Not to mention for breastfeeding, sitting on after birth, etc! Sometimes the most useful things are the simplist.

[becca29]

I"m due in 5 weeks, and I'm just sick of all the comments I get about natural childbirth. Many of the women at work just give me this look like "yeah, right" like I'm being stupid for even saying it's what I want. The worst thing is that now I feel this even bigger pressure to be able to come back and say I did the whole thing drug free. I want to make all the right choices for my labor, and I know my DH and doula and doctor will help me do that, but I also want to be able to say to them "I told you I could do it!"

[panda]

I'm not looking forward to being in your situation!

I dread telling people where I work that I'm expecting. Several of them are moms, and they've frequently expressed their opinions about drug-free childbirth (pointless, stupid), breastfeeding (too hard, a hassle, definitely only for the first few months), and my word, did it ever hit the fan when they heard about someone having a homebirth (that can't be legal, so reckless, do you know all the things that can go wrong, and we're not living in caves anymore!).

I never say much since they have kids and I don't yet, so they always say "just you wait." I don't care to argue about it. I'm just going to hold off until I'm showing, and then say as little as I can. I'm planning a homebirth, would love to cosleep and ebf, and do cloth dipes. I almost hope they just talk behind my back so I won't have to deal with it.

My family is more in line with my way of thinking, but the day we shared our good news, MIL was already on me about how bad co-sleeping is. It's difficult to discuss these things, because all moms know more about parenting than I do, from experience, but I'm still going to do what I feel is right.

Well, good luck to you, I hope you can find a place of inner peace and strength, and just let your mom's comments slide off. If she's going to be helping you right after the birth, though, I think it's very important critical that you trust her to follow your wishes. If you don't think she will, can you find someone else to stay with you?

[gurumama]

Boppy: tell them it's a donut for your butt after delivery.

Pacifiers: Babies who use pacifiers have *50%* more ear infections than babies who don't. See http://www.drgreene.com/21_608.html for the specifics. Even this statistic FINALLY got my MIL off my case too!

As for breastfeeding, cloth diapers, slings, etc., if your mother gives you some ultimatum like "Well, I'll be feeding her formula when she's with me/using disposables/letting her CIO" and so on, state firmly but with love, "Then I won't be leaving her alone with you."

And then stick to it. She's demanding that her decisions be yours--and that's invalidating you as a separate person.

As for breastfeeding, yes, it's hard. So is formula feeding. So is parenting. But breastfeeding is so much easier than formula feeding--take it from someone who does both (because of breast reduction). Your body is designed to produce milk to sustain your baby. Keep the baby away from pacifiers, supplements of ANY kind, and let her nurse every 2 hours or more often, and you'll do fine. Sometimes I had sore nipples--for about 2 days, with both kids, it REALLY hurt--but with lanisoh (a cream that helps with soreness) and determination, I breastfed my first to 10.5 months and I'm going strong with ds2 now at 11.5 months.

You can do it too.

[Free Thinker]

Thanks so much for the encouragement! I think my mom will be mostly supportive of what I want after the baby is here (fingers crossed) but if not, then she will just have to deal with it I guess. She will probably only be here a few days, DH says just to let her do all the housework, and leave the baby stuff up to me... then new mama! That sounds like a good plan to me.

Big hugs to those that are going thru the same thing, or dreading going thru it. I'm sure we will all be great mamas!

Oh, and what I tell people about BFing is that I don't want to have to worry about all those bottles b/c I don't have a dishwasher. That is about the only thing that seems to work. All of the stuff on how much better it is for baby is "only more of that stuff you read on the internet:rolleyes:

[crayon]

Honey I hear you!!

I have been hitting a wall with both of our famlies too. The first thing that was brought up was the fact that if we have a boy we will not circ- WOW did that open a can of worms!!:D My dad was the only one in my family that had an educated view on it, even if he wasn't sure either way about the issue. Then, we had the BF issue with DP's family. His dad thinks that EBF is a big NO NO! :rolleyes: So I plan on wipping my jugs out for a very long time :LOL And right in front of him. I just did a body cast the other night (39+ weeks preggo!!) and made sure that we got my breast real good and my nipples too. It is going right over my couch for eveyone to see- even my FIL!!!!! Then there is the pacifier thing, My MIL thinks that it is good for when the babe is tired- they have my 11 month old niece living with them and my MIL is acting as her mom, so she is giving me all these tips. I plan to have a breast for comfort if my babe needs it. I do have paci's I got as a gift too, but I don't plan on using them. I am doing the cloth diapers and both the grandmas are so upset about it. They think it will not last:rolleyes: DP even made me get AIO's for when the grandma's watch the babe- right like that is going to happen- not anytime soon! I am with you on the vac's too. But I have told them that I am not doing it and they don't really have a say anyway. The circ is a bigger deal to them then the vac's are. I haven't got nothing neg about the boppy- good thing. But DP loves it, and they used it for a prop for my niece to help her sit up so eveyone around here loves it. My sister used it to nurse and she loved it too. We got two of them!!! :thumb If you need to vent, e-mail me. I have so many stories and how we addressed them. Everytime we would get bashed down about a choice we were making we would find things to back us up and hand them to the family and tell them to read it. The newest thing we are getting bashed about is co-sleeping. And about having a home birth- we have just given up fighting that one and decided that we are staying home and we have told them if we feel the need to go to the hopstial we will. But I think my mom still thinks we are going to the hospital. I got a letter from her mom today (my grandma) saying how grateful she is that we have decided to go to the hosptial- so I am guessing she heard that from my mom. I just plan on calling her after the birth (UC) and tell her we had the baby at home and all is good!

Good Luck to you- I know the last few weeks are stressful!! I am due any day!

[RileysMom]

My mom and ILs were the same....and so were other people. I am naturally a bit stubborn, so in a way it was good...it strengthened my resolve! :)

But I was just quietly stubborn...kept doing my thing...eventually everyone shut up and my mom actually got a little bit positive about things....

[StarMama]

Oh no, the comments get worse? :eek Seriously thought I feel for all of you with the family making comments about your choices... I really don't even want my MIL to know we're doing a homebirth, or co sleeping... I was happily shocked when the same night I told her we were pregnant, she said "Are you breastfeeding? I breastfed all my children for 9 months." Wow, we agree on something?! Well at least I won't have to contend with her on that one (but hmmmm wonder what she will think when its EBF?)....

Guess I'll be watching these type of threads now so I've got a good amount of ammo for these dumb comments as they come!

And Free Thinker you're gonna be a WONDERFUl Mom!!

:love

[momatheart23]

First of all Boppy are one of my 5 must have items, they are a lifesaver for my back while nursing. Second try to keep an open mind about pacifiers, I didn't think I would want one but ds needed one and he still nursed all the time too. I know there is a whole debate about that one here, but just do whatever works for your family Hopefully she will improve when she sees you succeeding as a mother, but don't hold your breath. People have deeply entrenched ideas of how babies "should" be raised and they are so opposite of natural. I would also have to second having a manual pump on hand. I know for me having a little freedom here and there for dad to watch him was a sanity saver, and knowing that his nutrtion wasn't suffering because of it saved my peace of mind. Just know that you will be a wonderful mother because you are so thoughtful and intune. I am a supporter of drawing your lines, not in a way that puts others down for their parenting techniques, but lets them know that it is not for you. I would personally let her use disposables if she ever babysits, yet insist she never lets her CIO or any other treatment that you feel is "mean". I figure a little bit of time in a sposie won't hurt, but CIO will. So what I do is just pick your battles. I know with me now that everyone is seeing how awesome ds is turning out they leave me alone about my parenting more and more

[Chelly2003]

I look at most stOOpid comments as a CHALLENGE - I just LOVE proving people WRONG (its a gift :LOL)

My in-laws don't even say anything anymore......... they just expect me to do ANYTHING I please.

The whole vax issue was a HOT One, I swear they thought my son would die of a horrible disease before he was two months old! I heard it ALL and then whining......... they shut up a few years ago - my son is so healthy they can't keep up with him!

My MIL had the NERVE to ask if we thought he had ADD or something like that - cause he won't sit still, but HEAVENS, he's 3! Of Course he's not going to sit still - I chose to ignore the question, I was so dumb struck I couldn't think of one smart ass thing to say!

Chelly

[Viola]

Originally posted by Free Thinker
I am worried about the BFing thing, now. I don't plan on supplimenting w/ anything. I"ll be at home w/ baby all of the time, so I don't even have a pump. I went to a class, and I think I will be able to do just fine. The LC will be at the hospital, or I can call her w/ any questions.


Try not to worry about it. Maybe you could go to a La Leche League meeting before you give birth. It is great to see other nursing moms, and I found it to be quite affirming.

I had a pump and didn't end up using it much. Even when I pumped, my daughter hated bottles and wouldn't drink from them. She did use pacifiers for awhile, but gave them up for good when she was in the 4 to 5 month range. There was a point in time where she would cry and would not be consoled unless I let her lie on her tummy and I patted her back. She liked to suck on the pacifier at that point.

My mother was anti-pacifier, so that wasn't an issue, but both my mom and sister seemed to doubt that I would be able to breastfeed. My mom seemed a little worried about it. She said, "but how do you know you have enough milk? So many women don't." She was told that by doctors back in the 40s and 50s. My mom and sister had milk that dried up early, but talking to them I realized how they did things made the difference, so I stopped worrying that I would be like them.

It's really irritating when people around you are such naysayers and prophets of doom. It really aggravated me when people would do that kind of eye rolling and "yeah, well, good luck to that!" like they were just willing you to fail.

[owensmom]

:hug You are going to be a rockin' mom (all of you out there!!!), and god forbid you read!!! The horror!!:rolleyes:

I hated hearing about labor being painful, homebirth stupid and dangerous, etc. I too, waited until I was showing and people at work had to figure it out word of mouth. Unfortunately at 43 weeks I had (they say) low amniotic fluid and the laws working against me having a homebirth anymore so I had to be induced. But, I did that drug free too. So when all those naysayers were thinking that homebirthing doesn't work and I needed drugs, I could wow them with that story! Losers!

I can't beleive she is against a boppy? IMO they are really "mainstream"! And they are great, I could prop ds up against it in the kitchen and he'd watch me and the dogs and toys and I could actually make dinner! and he is 14 months and I still use it to bf (he falls asleep on it!).

I have a pump (manual) because he ended up in NICU 2 days after birth and they gave it to me. I though I wouldn't need one (midwives told me if I need to I could do it manually - whichI could but it would take 10 years!!) Anyway, I have found it handy on a number of occassions - breasts too full even with bf'ing so it relieved some pressure and squirtage, on the rare occassion I went somewhere (all of 3 times in the first year!), and most recently (currently) ds is sick sick sick and can't breath through his nose, I am pumping and feeding him the milk with a dropper!

Find some positive affirmations, talk to the naysayers less, and prepare to welcome your little bundle!

[tinyshoes]

Ugh. It sounds like your mom is being a real pain...and her comments and attitude make me wonder if she's having a little trouble with the idea of giving up her 'throne' as MOTHER.

NOW she's a grandmother...an older woman. YOU will be the MOTHER. You will be in charge. YOU have ideas of how you want to raise your baby, and that is something that can be quite threatening to people, esp. one's own mother!!!

I think so many of the crappy comments we hear are a result of people feeling threatened...those poor women who failed at breastfeeding (is it really their 'failure' because they live in the USA and we're such a non-bf society?!?! that's another thread!) and then they hear you talking confidently about breastfeeding.

THAT is a threat to some people--people who feel that if YOU succeed, THEY have failed yet again. But hey, if we're all in the 'breastfeeding is too hard, let's whip out the Enfamil,' no one is 'better', no one is 'threatening,' no one is proving that breastfeeding CAN be done.

I would second the idea of going to a La Leche Leauge meeting, asap. Just being around mamas who are OBVIOUSLY pro-bf will be a nice breath of fresh air for you.

[OneCatholicMommy]

I think a boppy pillow is a great gift for a new mom.....even if she's not breastfeeding....the little one can still use it, right?

Stay strong....and if you get any "useless" gifts, you can either donate them or keep them around in case (my kids sometimes used bottles instead of sippies.)

[gilnikche]

This may sound harsh, but here goes. Do not let her be around in the first week. You do not need this negativity! If you feel she must come visit; then keep it short.

With my first baby; my MIL was there when I went into labor & for a week after the birth. By day 2, I was in tears & refused to come out of the bedroom. She was driving me insane with her comments on what I should (& should not) be doing. I asked my husband to talk to her. I found out later that he told her bluntly "Stop it or you have to go home!"

Make arrangements to surround yourself with only supportive people for the first few weeks. In lieu of gifts; ask friends & relations to drop off food or volunteer to help with laundry, dishes etc.. Have you considered hiring a doula?

Here is a link to help find one:

http://www.dona.org/