OT...did I do the wrong thing?

[MrsTC]

Two other moms in the small town I live in and I have begun a new playgroup, this was our second meeting today, which I hosted. My house is way smaller than theirs, so things were more cramped, and I don't have as many toys as they do nor as many age-approprite toys since their kids are older and my ds is 9mos old. I thought that it went pretty well, but one thing did happen that I am ruminating over. I don't know if I crossed a line...

One of the moms is due today with #3, big pregnant, and her kids are keeping her very busy (does anyone's kids not keep them busy??). Anyway, they were I think on the verge of meltdown, ready to go, and as mom was trying to get shoes on the younger kid, the older one was standing on my couch with his shoes on. All day long she'd been after him to not climb on or stand on the couch. I kept out of it, grateful that she was enforcing common courtesy rules with him. And she was then, during shoe time, telling him to not stand. He was then just trying for her attention, and so I stepped in, because it really did bother me that A) he was treating her that way, and B) that he was standing on my couch with his shoes on. So I asked him to please not stand on my couch when he had his shoes on. He sat down (with the help of mom) and I thanked him. He was back up in two seconds, mom told him again to sit down, when he didn't, she was sitting him down. Back up. Then I asked again and he ignored me, grinning at mom, obviously enjoying the attention...so I asked him one more time, reminding him I'd asked twice, and he said, "no," (this whole time mom's struggling with the younger kid to get her shoes on while dealing with older kid)...so she abandons shoe efforts and starts to pull him off...he's giving her a really hard time of it, and she's huge pregnant, so I get his other hand, and we pull him off the couch while he fights and protests.

We were all frazzled from the small quarters and we're all pregnant, so we're tired anyway...I couldn't read her for whether or not I upset her by "helping" her get her son down...and I know it's not that big of a deal, the couch thing, but I feel like he's plenty old enough to know better and was misbehaving in an intentional way. He's plenty old enough to understand what was going on, is what I mean. And he was chatting me up 10 seconds later on the way out the door, so I don't think I hurt his feelings...

So do I say something to her to make sure I didn't cross a line with her? Because if I did, I am not sure I am ready to apologize for what I did. He was in my house, not listening to his mom, and I agreed with her, and it looked like she needed help, so I helped. Yes, I did make an issue of it when I could've probably let it go (shoes on a person's couch are not the end of the world)...I just don't know what to think.

I think my house isn't big enough to host playgroup...and I think I'll be talking with the moms about this before the next one, this incident might come up then...? Or it's possible that she's thinking nothing of it... Would you have done something similar if it was in your house? I wouldn't have done the same thing unless asked (for a hand) if it were in someone else's home.

Thanks,
T

[pianojazzgirl]

I wouldn't worry about it. Sounds like she was pretty overwhelmed at that moment and I imagine she was thankful for your help. That's how I would have felt if I was her. You spoke to him respectfully and didn't yank him down or anything. If you're really worried that you might have stepped on her toes you could always give her a call and ask. But I'm sure she realized that you were just trying to help her. If you do speak about it with her I'm sure she would just be happy that you were thoughtful enough to even think about if you were "crossing the line". A lot of people would have done a lot more than just help (ie speak harshly to the kid or even yell) without even realizing or caring that they might have been out of line.

[crazycandigirl]

I think that you did just the right thing. I know that in that situation I would have been more then greatfull for the help. I have had people that try to help by yelling or swatting at DD and those people do cross the line and they hear from me right away. When someone helps to reenforce a point that I was trying to get across I love the help. Sometimes DD just needs to hear it from someone besides mommy. I would not worry about having offended anyone. You did the right thing.

[happyblessedmama]

I think you did the right thing. It was inappropriate that the kid was standing on your couch; did it repeatedly after being asked by both of you not to do it, and the mother was not able to immediately attend to him so you did it. You weren't hitting, speaking harshly, etc. I would've appreciated the help and would also have done the same thing if it were my house. I don't think she (should've) had any expectations of her kid standing with shoes on your couch being OK... but that's just me, and I have 2 crazy boys with crazy friends that I have no problem telling them not to (bounce on the bed, jump off the top bunk, etc. etc.)

[DecemberSun]

Personally I would probably send her an e-mail if it was really gnawing at me. (Don't know if she'll have time to chat on the phone with a newborn...) I think you were doing the right thing, but if you want to know how she feels about it just bring it up. No big deal. I think friendships should be built on honesty, so you should be truthful in your feelings, and so should she. (You: "I don't feel comfortable when anyone treats my friends with disrespect, child or not, so were you ok with me asking your DS to get off my couch?" Friend: "Well, to tell you the truth I was flustered at that moment and I was glad to have a hand." or "Actually I don't like other people disciplining my kids, so please just bring it up to me next time so I can handle it.") Some people are so particular when it comes to other mothers pointing out when their kids are misbehaving, and some kids are extra sensitive to elders other than their parents disciplining them. Doesn't sound like your experience was that big of a deal, but I'd bring it up if it was bothering me. It couldn't hurt! That way if you all talk about it beforehand you will know how to handle the situations that are bound to happen in the future, and everyone will be clear on everyone else's intentions. :)

[cinnamonamon]

You could also bring it up in an "I hope it didn't bother you that I helped you help him off the couch the other day," kinda way. Then maybe "if you'd rather I didn't just let me know, I just wanted to lighten the load a bit for you..."

Something like that, then you aren't apologizing, but you're letting her know it's important to you that she isn't upset w/ the situation, iykwim. And imo, you did just fine -- I'd have done the same.

[MrsTC]

Good, I'm glad to hear that others would do the same thing. I might bring it up to her the next time I see her if the timing's right or if I feel like I should. The more I thought about it, the more I thought that you have to do what feels right to you while respecting other people (little people too) and sometimes people don't agree with you, and that's okay. Just gotta get through it and move on.

Thanks, mamas.