Processing a traumatic birth and/or NICU stay

[Lousli]

I just thought this might be a good topic and kept apart from the birth stories thread. I know that some people had awesome births that were not at all traumatic, but the NICU stay afterwards was. I know that some of us had both a difficult birth and a NICU stay. Personally I loathe having to discuss/defend my birth with other MDC members who haven't BTDT in terms of interventions (many of them very neccesary IMO). I'm currently in therapy to deal with depression, much of which I feel is because of my pain and guilt over my daughter's birth. Anyone else want to talk about this? How you're coping, what sets you off, etc. Does anyone else who has been out of the NICU for a long time feel pissed off when people act like you should "get over it"?

[mimid]

Ooooh...don't you hate the "get over it" comment. My biggest issue is that I wasn't able to see my girls for 2 days after they were born and even though dh had said that no one would be allowed to see them, he ended up taking his parents and siblings. Then they all came back telling me how they were so pretty and there was even once that my bil complained that they wouldn't let him into the NICU and he had travelled all the way to see them. (I still had 6 hours until I got to see them.)

The last couple days have been really hard for me. I don't know if AF is around the corner or if it is because we just got the cameras from their NICU stay developed.

[Guinevere]

I think this might be quite therapeutic; I'd certainly be more than happy to talk about this subject, as I feel it's terribly underdiscussed in general.

There is, as you have so rightly stated, a huge tendency to sweep away the very intense feelings of grief, guilt, anger, depression, and helplessness some of us have had in dealing with the preemie experience by saying things like, "But you're all okay now, right?" "But you both made it through alive, that's what most important." Yes, it's very important, but it's certainly not ALL that's important. Did we both make it through *intact*? Why doesn't anyone ask THAT question? That's important, too, you know....

This is all still quite raw for me, as my 3rd preemie birth was only a few months ago, and we *just* finally passed a huge milestone: Sophia has now been OUT of the NICU longer than she was in it. It means so much to me to know that, from here on out, more of her life experience will have been formed by her family than by the nurses and neos and beeping machines.

As for my birth experience with her, I still can't talk about it without tearing up. :( I haven't processed it well at all, b/c I just don't know how anything I do is ever going to be able to make it "okay." The simple fact is that it was terrifying, painful, and everything I never wanted. And there's just no way to change that. Top it off with the great likelihood that she's my last child, and I am left with deep sadness and regret, and an ugly, still-tender scar --an unwelcome reminder of just how far away I am from the home waterbirth I longed and planned for.

Each of my premature birth experiences and subsequent NICU stays has been different -- different reasons for delivery, different medical issues, different hospitals -- but all have left their mark on me. I did seek therapy about a year after the birth of my 2nd preemie, and in the ensuing years had continued to work through my first two preemie experiences to the point that I was approaching my 5th and final birth as a mostly-whole, mostly-healed woman. Then life happened, and I'm still reeling from it all. I think it will be a long time before the feelings begin to fade.

Guin

[ApplePieBaby]

I don't think I'm even ready to start dealing with my daughter's birth! LOL

[mimid]

Well, I hacked off my hair last night an dfeel so much lighter and free. I've talked with a lot of people who believe that the hair carries a lot of the energy from the past. I've also been focusing on building my supply as that is the 1 thing about our NICU stay that I can change. I will provide milk for my girls until the day they decide they don't want to bf anymore.

Guin, I can't imagine going through that 3 times. Any tips or ideas that have worked for you to help get over the last 2? Other than therapy? I just can't figure out when I would have the time or ability to go to therapy. I have thought about it. I figure I'll do some work on my own and when the girls are older, I'll do some therapy. Not the best solution, but the only other oprtion is setting up a couple sitters which is a hassle!

[kwilki8]

There is, as you have so rightly stated, a huge tendency to sweep away the very intense feelings of grief, guilt, anger, depression, and helplessness some of us have had in dealing with the preemie experience by saying things like, "But you're all okay now, right?" "But you both made it through alive, that's what most important." Yes, it's very important, but it's certainly not ALL that's important. Did we both make it through *intact*? Why doesn't anyone ask THAT question? That's important, too, you know....

This struck such a chord with me. So often I just want someone, ANYONE, else to acknowledge that it is okay to struggle with my feelings about dd's birth. As beautiful and precious as she is, and as thankful as I am that she is all right, the fact remains that I worked really hard to have a mindful and empowering birth and I ended up terrified and out of control. And instead of blissfully bonding with my newborn, I spent the early days of her life watching the numerous procedures and tests, consulting with her doctors, struggling to breastfeed, and trying to learn to comfort her without being able to hold her. Could it have been a thousand times worse? Absolutely. But that doesn't mean my feelings are invalid or inappropriate.

My dd is 16 months old now, and I am only starting to really do the work of resolving these feelings. I've been so focused on dd's health that it was easy to push them aside. Dh and I have been talking about ttc, though, and I'm finding that I am resistant, mainly because I'm really scared. So I'm trying to find a kind of peace, but I don't know if I really know how to do that.

[mimid]

The only person who acknowledged that it was normal and I had a right to be upset about going home and leaving the girls in the hospital was my RE. Everyone else said that it was for the best or that it would be easier recovering from the c/s w/o them here.

I'm finding that I'm getting a bit obsessive about having another babe and having the birth I want with no intervention, at home, babymoon, etc. Like adding a pregnancy and baby would solve everything.

[Lousli]

I'm finding that I'm getting a bit obsessive about having another babe and having the birth I want with no intervention, at home, babymoon, etc. Like adding a pregnancy and baby would solve everything.

My first daughter was also preemie, but no NICU stay. However the experience of her birth was not what I wanted and hoped for, so I was so excited that my second pregnancy and birth was my chance to get a "do-over" and have the natural childbirth. Unfortunately, my second was even earlier than my first and her birth was wayyyy more intervention-filled and unnatural than my first. I have a lot of guilt and despair that I was not able to have a natural birth, and that since we're not planning on more children, there are no more chances. Just something to think about in terms of another birth experience. In my case, it was even more devastating the second time around.

[tanyaandallie]

I'm finding that I'm getting a bit obsessive about having another babe and having the birth I want with no intervention, at home, babymoon, etc. Like adding a pregnancy and baby would solve everything.

I feel the same way. Although I did have a natural birth with my ds as I went into labor and delivered super quick at 34 weeks, I still feel cheated out of the birth exerience that I so wanted. He was wisked away immediately and I was freaking out so they gave me demoral while they sewed me up. The darn demerol made me useless for at least 12 hours. I didn't get to have my baby pulled out of my and laid on my chest. I didn't get to nurse him right away. I didn't get to do all the things that I had so wanted to do. Not to mention amidst all the craziness, my mom was admitted to the hospital and passed away a week after my ds was born. There was just so much craziness surrounding his birth. It just was not what I had dreamed of.

I feel like if I had another maybe I could get it right this time. Of course, that's just a dream as it's very possible I'd end up with another preemie! Even scarier to me is that I have such quick labors I would be terrified of having a preemie and not making it to the hospital in time.

BTW, I am loving this board. Just discovered it today.

[twins10705]

I'm finding that I'm getting a bit obsessive about having another babe and having the birth I want with no intervention, at home, babymoon, etc. Like adding a pregnancy and baby would solve everything.

I feel the same way! :hug

[ApplePieBaby]

I'm finding that I'm getting a bit obsessive about having another babe and having the birth I want with no intervention, at home, babymoon, etc. Like adding a pregnancy and baby would solve everything.

That was supposed to be this baby- my homebirth, do everything right baby- and she came 15 weeks early & by c-section after the rest were all vaginal births!

[jkpmomtoboys]

I have to say that after having one 29 weeker (crash c/s and a hell of a traumatic birth and NICU stay) and one full term baby, the full term experience is nice and all but unfortunately doesn't make everything all better.

I don't think you ever get over having a preemie, traumatic birth, NICU stay, etc... It just becomes a part of who you are. After 6 years, I wouldn't say I'm still traumatized by ds's birth, but I still get angry when people spout off about their perfect births, can't watch birth shows, etc...

So what was my point? Oh yeah--I probably have the oldest preemie here and I'll tell you that having a birth like this is a lot like having post-traumatic stress. And everyone processes it differently and for different periods of time.

But make no mistake; you never get over it and it never goes away. It just becomes a part of who you are...

[Lousli]

Thank you Jen, that helps. I have thought about having another baby sometimes just so I could do it "right". I have ranted and raved and cried about people who post things like epidurals are child abuse. I have tried to bite my tongue about the mama I know IRL who told me that she was just so tired of being pregnant and was going to be induced at 40 weeks 3 days. I try really hard to remember that no matter what, nothing is going to change what has happened, even if I for some crazy reason end up pregnant again and have the "perfect" birth this time around.

[jkpmomtoboys]

My personal favorite is a friend who said, "You get the birth you deserve."

WHAT?!?

But in some ways, you know--I think we all did get the births we deserved and I'll tell you why. As a result of these preemies, these NICU stays, we are stronger women. We are more compassionate toward others who are going through troubles. We will undoubtedly have friends who will also have preemies who we can help. We are more appreciative of every moment. Because you know you might not have had it.

Yeah it would be great to be blissfully unaware, floating through life thinking epidurals and c/s's are the Devil. But you know, it must suck to be so stupid.

And we now go into every situation with our eyes wide open, ready to experience life for what it is: a miracle.

There is no perfection in birth besides the baby.

[bri276]

I have a lot of conflicting feelings about my dd's birth.

I had two miscarriages before DD. In the beginning I was very concerned about another one, naturally. But even after the first trimester, I could not shake the feeling that something would go wrong. I worried constantly; about late term miscarriage, about incompetent cervix, about preterm birth, about placental abruption, about cord accidents, and about stillbirth. I could not enjoy the pregnancy that I wanted so much. If dd wouldn't kick for a while, I'd poke and prod my belly, trying to get her to move again. I even rented one of those awful Doppler thingies, knowing the risk (only used it once per week max, for 2-3 seconds each time, from the 13th wk on)- because otherwise I would have gone to the doctors office demanding to hear her heartbeat because I felt all the time something was WRONG.

I educated myself on natural childbirth. I knew all the risks of the various interventions. I planned to labor at home as long as possible before going to meet my midwife at the birth center attached to the local hospital. I was 3-4 cm dilated for two weeks.

Finally, at 41 wks, I could not take it anymore. By "it" I mean the psychological trauma of almost constantly believing my baby either was already dead or would die soon. I cried hysterically to my DH and to my midwives that the baby would be stillborn, and while they were sympathetic, I could tell they were thinking I was acting a little nuts because of pregnancy hormones or something. I asked to be induced at 41 wks. I KNEW I was 41 wks because I'd had an extremely early ultrasound (5wks). I did everything known to God to induce labor naturally, besides cod liver oil. And I think that helped to get my cervix so ripe and the baby descended enough.

So finally I had the birth I did NOT want but felt I had to have. The hospital/pitocin/epidural (waited as long as I could, 6 hrs, 5 cm dilated when they placed it). Ah well. Labor itself was okay except for one midwife raising the question of meconium. (It wasn't. It was a bit of brown blood. MEDwife.) So, because of that, pediatrics and the NICU people had to come up because hospital policy dictated it in meconium cases.

After 3 hrs of pushing, Jessica was finally born- and slid right out before she could be suctioned and cried a weak little cry. That's where it went bad.

Now everyone is freaked out that she could have inhaled meconium (give me a break, there was NO meconium visible anywhere). So they immediately cut the cord, RUSH her into this little room next to mine and I tell DH "GO!" I'm asking "Is she ok" over and over and no one's telling me ANYTHING. A few minutes later, DH finally comes back and says "she's okay, but she has a cleft palate." I ask if she has a cleft lip also (shows how quickly she was taken) and he says no. So I'm laying there realizing the implications, that I can't breastfeed, when a girl who looks younger than me (I'm 23) comes over to tell me she's from pediatrics and

"The baby is breathing rapidly and we don't know why so we're going to take her down to the NICU."

I get to hold her for a few minutes, as soon as I look at her I wonder about Down's syndrome. Then they take her. And I am laying there while they stitch me up (only 5 stitches) and push on my stomach to help get the placenta out. That was the first time in 13.5 hours of labor that I cried. I cried because I felt everything I had feared was coming to fruition. I was terrified that my baby was either dead or dying, and I had no way of getting to her, and no one was making me feel any better, and I couldn't go see her until they took the epidural out which was about an hour and a half- I really don't know, it felt that long, maybe it wasn't. All the momentary elation and that huge gush of maternal love and awe at watching my first chlid be born was immediately followed by being crushed that my child is not healthy and is in an emergency situation and I am not with her.

I can't write anymore right now.

[mimid]

What gets me sometimes is that I knew I was having a c/s, the girls would probably be preemies, possibly have a NICU stay and read up and planned for it. I thought I was prepared and ready for it and wouldn't have the trauma because I knew al of this from 6 weeks when we had the u/s and found out it was trips. But, as they say, we make plans and G-d laughs at them. Everything went so well that I started believing I would definately make it to 36 weeks, take my girls home, let them room-in with me, etc. I didn't even have my bag packed at 33 weeks! Not to mention my birthplan. I had planned on bringing it to the OB the following Monday at my appt. I was totally unprepared! And it happened on a holiday, my family wasn't there, dh's family is nice and all, but I wanted my mommy and my daddy, yk? And then dh gets all caught up in it and forgets all his promises. What I needed was a doula. I needed someone on my side and I should have listened to everyone who said that dh and family aren't the best choice.

So now I'm obsessing. What gets me really going is that there isn't a reason to believe I will need another c/s or have another preemie. (Like that stops it from hapenning.) Chances are I won't have multiples and especially high order multiples. Pre-e isn't something you get with every pregnancy. So the OB saying that I can likely have a healthy, term baby next time really doesn't help. I'll probably be in a state of panic the whole time if I get pg again.

And Jen, thanks those words. I think I'll look up some info on PTSD. Maybe that'll give me some insight.

[LaughingHyena]

At the time I was going through it my pregnacy with DD and the NICU stay afterwards didn't feel that tramatic. I think I just went through the whole thing in a daze. Partly I think it was my way of shutting down just to carry on with the things that had to be done, partly I think due to lots of heavy bleeding and then the drug for the C/S I really just wasn't that aware of what was happening.

I had placenta previa and first started bleeeding at 26 weeks. Each time there was a lfood of blood I was scaredthat this was going to be it but 3 times the bleeeing stopped and I came home again. less that 6 hours after that 3rd homecomming I was back in hospital again. This time the bleeding didn't stop and DD was not handling it well. I could feel that her movements had changed. She was still moving a lot, more that I expected but it wasn't gentle movements anymore, more like a fish out of water, really fighting. I remember feeling a strange sense of calm that this time it really was it. DD was taken straight up to NICU where she needed cpap for a couple of days, after that it was mostly waiting for her to be awake and strong enough to feed. She came over 2 weeks later.

2 years on and I'm pregnant again. Never expecting to have the same set of problmes but it turns out I have. I;m now just over 23 weeks, some days I feel I can relax a little thinking as time goes by the baby has that much more of a chance but as that 26 week mark creeps up the memories are haunting me more. I realise how lucky we were last time and wonder if that luck is going to hold out. I feel an almost obsessive need to be prepared, have tiny clothes and nappies ready but somehow planning for another premmie seems like I've given in.

I don't think I will truly relax until the baby is home with us, whenever that my be.

[ApplePieBaby]

But even after the first trimester, I could not shake the feeling that something would go wrong.

I felt like that for this entire last pregnancy!
First they were certain I was having a miscarriage... then they thought my placenta was super low, and it just kept going.
At one point, when they thought I was having the miscarriage, I even wrote in my journal tha I wish if something was going to go wrong it would happen then and not later on because I wanted it over and done with! I'd had a blighted ovum the pregnancy before... and five years ago a stillbirth... I didn't think I could handle much else.

[sweetpeasmom]

I don't think any women can get over their birth, whether it be "normal" or traumatic. Especially in our cases, it's even more pronounced. I'm not over it and I know I'll never be.

I'm finding that I'm getting a bit obsessive about having another babe and having the birth I want with no intervention, at home, babymoon, etc. Like adding a pregnancy and baby would solve everything.

So am I! My first wasn't normal either, ptl, medical interventions. Second time i was determined to go all natural, full term etc... Well those dreams were slashed. I often dream of seeing my huge belly, not being able to see my feet, feeling what it's like to go through labor (i never had a normal labor) I wanted those "pains" i wanted to feel those contractions for hours, walking around, maybe birthing in the tub. But thats all it is, is a dream to me. I know i can't have a normal birth, no more kids for us. No way I can risk this again.

[Lousli]

I had the something is wrong feeling too! I started off with spotting, which hadn't happened the time before. Then I had an positivel first trimester screening, which led to an amnio at just 15 weeks. By 17 weeks I was having frequent strong BH's. I failed the one hour glucose test (as I had with my first) and had to take the 3 hour. I was in the hospital twice at 25 weeks, once at 28 weeks, and once at 32 weeks before I went in with the vomiting and contracting at 32.5 weeks that led to her birth. It was just so different than my first pregnancy.

In my first trimester, I went to the bookstore, and while looking at the pregnancy book I saw the Dr. Sears preemie book. I picked it up and looked through it and thought, "I really should buy this, I'm going to need it." it was like this sense of intuition. Then I thought, "No, I won't have a preemie again." and I put the book back, like I was trying to talk myself out of it. And when we went to buy a going home outfit, I bought a preemie outfit. I reasoned that she'd be a little early like her sister, and she'd be small even if she was full term since we're small people. But when I look at the outfit, it is about the size you would put on a 4-5 pound baby. She did wear it home from the hospital.

[CallMeMommy]

I have tried to bite my tongue about the mama I know IRL who told me that she was just so tired of being pregnant and was going to be induced at 40 weeks 3 days.

There was another board I where several women were due at the same time, and they were all talking about how miserable they were and how they wanted to be induced, blah blah blah (one was even talking about taking EPO and trying to induce herself at 36 weeks!), and it took every fiber in my being not to tell them how much I WISH that was me, how much I WISH I could have made it far enough to be miserable, to be glad they they made it far enough to be "miserable" because some people never get the chance, and the alternative is a hell of a lot worse. I never made it to "miserable" and it KILLS me that women would put their child's life at risk just because they're uncomfortable! It's like slap to the face of every preemie parent.

[jkpmomtoboys]

At the time I was going through it my pregnacy with DD and the NICU stay afterwards didn't feel that tramatic. I think I just went through the whole thing in a daze. Partly I think it was my way of shutting down just to carry on with the things that had to be done, partly I think due to lots of heavy bleeding and then the drug for the C/S I really just wasn't that aware of what was happening.

I had placenta previa and first started bleeeding at 26 weeks. Each time there was a lfood of blood I was scaredthat this was going to be it but 3 times the bleeeing stopped and I came home again. less that 6 hours after that 3rd homecomming I was back in hospital again. This time the bleeding didn't stop and DD was not handling it well. I could feel that her movements had changed. She was still moving a lot, more that I expected but it wasn't gentle movements anymore, more like a fish out of water, really fighting. I remember feeling a strange sense of calm that this time it really was it. DD was taken straight up to NICU where she needed cpap for a couple of days, after that it was mostly waiting for her to be awake and strong enough to feed. She came over 2 weeks later.

I had placenta previa too and a couple of bleeds before my abruption at 29 weeks. You absolutely know when it's not going to stop. Dh said oh it'll stop again this time. I said, you know what--I know it's not going to stop. It was like with every heartbeat, I was pumping blood out of my body (not to be too graphic). And wow could those doctors move fast--From the moment I started bleeding, to going to OR, to general anesthesia--it was 13 minutes from the time I started bleeding to the time ds was born.

With your number 2, once you pass the 26 week mark, and every day thereafter, you will feel better and better. NEVER relaxed, as I don't think a preemie mom ever relaxes during pregnancy again, but certainly better and better.

Anyway, just want to say that I know what you went through. There aren't that many of us previa abruption survivors; we have to stick together. ;)

[lunamegn]

:hug I can relate to what you're saying. While I feel like I had a great birth, almost perfect, my son was born at 35 1/2 weeks and we had to take him to the hospital because he wasn't breathing right and then other problems were discovered and we ended up being in the NICU for around 2 weeks and in the hospital for 1 and 1/2 months. It was very traumatic for me. We are facing another hospitalization that will come close in length to the last one and I feel like it's worse this time around because I know what's coming - I didn't before. It sucks.

[eilonwy]

I thought that I'd gotten over my son's birth ("the vaginal delivery from hell," i call it,) and even the NICU stay... right up until Bella landed in NICU. The smell of that soap they make you scrub your hands with just brought back all those memories, and I was horrified. I still can't believe that she went to NICU at all. She was only there for about a day and a half, but it was much, much too long for me; I'd sworn I'd never see the inside of that place again, and I was so upset and indignant to be back there. :(

On the other hand, I will say that my second birth experience (BooBah) made everything a lot better. I did feel vindicated, even though she was born by emergency c-section. She roomed in with me, nursed easily and well from the begining, and I really felt that it helped me to heal from BeanBean's birth. It knocked me for a loop, to have Bella go to NICU, too. :(

[flyingspaghettimama]

Yeah, I still haven't completely "gotten over it" and my daughter is six. A very wise doula told me that's because we (as moms) never "get over" our births - they become part of us and stay with us. We just learn to come to terms with them, and the pain lessens every year. The complete sense of powerlessness and frustration is what I still remember, and feeling like each day was never doing to end, and she was never going to get to come home until I jumped through all their hoops. And I was at a WHO-recognized hospital for BF support, with at least two very supportive nurses who were totally AP. But the docs on the other hand...

I had a homebirth the second time around despite having severe HELLP and preeclampsia the first time; and everything went really, really well. It helped me to heal, and to reclaim my body. Also, I liked feeling like I was Stickin' It To The Man by DIY homebirth. I had a lot of issues with The Man after the hospital and NICU experience. If you ever see The Man, tell him to watch his back.

[ApplePieBaby]

There was another board I where several women were due at the same time, and they were all talking about how miserable they were and how they wanted to be induced, blah blah blah (one was even talking about taking EPO and trying to induce herself at 36 weeks!), and it took every fiber in my being not to tell them how much I WISH that was me, how much I WISH I could have made it far enough to be miserable, to be glad they they made it far enough to be "miserable" because some people never get the chance, and the alternative is a hell of a lot worse. I never made it to "miserable" and it KILLS me that women would put their child's life at risk just because they're uncomfortable! It's like slap to the face of every preemie parent.

I was posting on a different site's message boards for women due in Oct... and they are already complaining about their pregnancies & I want to slap them all!

[Naiad]

The smell of that soap they make you scrub your hands with just brought back all those memories, and I was horrified.
So true!

This thread is really hitting home. DD was born at 30 wks, and even though it's been over a year I am still not past the grief, panic, traumatization etc., but I don't feel like I should express these feelings to others. The first few weeks at home with her everyone just kept telling me how happy I should be, because everything was all over. I was happy, but I was also really, really sad.

DS had been born two years prior by emergency c/s while I was under general anesthetic, and it hurt badly to not have been able to *be there* for his birth. I deeply resented DH for witnessing what I did not, and for being the first person to hold my first child. I felt like I had failed my baby, and those feelings were repeated with DD's premature birth.

I am terrified to have another baby because I can't go through all that again. It's emotionally overwhelming just thinking about the possibility.

If there is a positive to it all it's that their births and our separations due to circumstances have made me determined to form a close bond, and I think I'm a better parent than I would have been had things gone normally. I feel like I need to make up for their birth experiences in some way.

But there is no way to convey how it feels to hear the brady alarm ring off as you are walking by the NICU on the way to your first break away from the hospital in days, and run back just to check, only to find out it is YOUR baby, and you can see her color going green as the nurse tries to stimulate her back. And to go through that several times a week or every day. You can't explain those feeling to someone who hasn't been there. I still hear those alarms in my sleep.

[sehbub]

I think the main reason I'm so concerned and worried about DD's birth at 30wks2days is because there was no reason for it. I had no cervical funneling, no placental problems, no loss of fluid. Then at 27wk6days I was sitting in my office and realized I could time my contractions. I called my doctor, went in, and he looked up quickly and patted my knees saying, "Honey, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you're almost 3cm and your membranes are bulging. You're going to the hospital." One of the midwives in the practice drove me over there (6 blocks) while I frantically tried to get ahold of DH to meet me at the hospital. Luckily, his office is two blocks from the hospital. They started me on the magnesium sulfate...which truly is THE WORST MED EVER! and tried to arrange for ambulance transport since our local hospital couldn't handle babies earlier than 32wks.

Once I had made it to the University hospital 90 miles away from home, I was sent to the surgical recovery area with a curtained off section until they could get me a bed. I was immediately strapped to monitors. The mag was kept on for 2 days, and then Thursday (I went in on Monday) after 24 hours of no contractions or dilation, they sent me home on bedrest with bathroom priviledges. I was home for a week until I had my next doc appt the following Thursday (now 29w2d) where it was discovered that I was 3cm, stretchy to 4, and my membranes were ballooning. This time, they got my meds started at the local hospital, and then helicoptered me to the other hospital, where I was admitted until delivery. I missed Easter with my DH and 2DSDs. I had already missed my DSD2's 4th bday when I was in the hospital the first time.

At 30wks, they gave me the glucose solution to drink to do the stupid GD test, and it sent me in to labor with contractions 5min apart. That was Tuesday at 5pm. They started me on the magnesium again, but by wednesday at 11am, I was still contracting and dilating, so they stopped the meds. The only reason they kept me on them that long is because we were waiting for an isolette to open up in the NICU so that they wouldn't have to transfer DD to another hospital across town. Finally, we got the word that there was a bed with her name on it, so I allowed the doc to turn off the meds and let me deliver. Sam was born at 3:15am Thursday, 4/20/06, after essentially 33hrs of labor. They took her immediately, but DH went with her, and I saw her 8 or so hours later.

I beat myself up over the fact that for those 8 hours after her birth, I didn't want to see her. I was terrified that if I really saw her, and acknowledged that she was here, then I would be taking responsibility for her premature birth, and would essentially be admitting to her and everyone else that I had failed somehow. I was ashamed to admit I was her mother, because I was sure I had done something wrong to cause her to be covered in wires and strapped to machines. So instead, I feigned exhaustion (although the adrenaline prevented me from sleeping until Friday night) and received phone calls and flowers and pumped colostrum for this baby I was too terrified to admit I'd delivered.

Now, 3 months later, I'm terrified again. We got pregnant again 4wks after we had Sam, and as of today, I'm 10wks. Samantha should be one month old today, not 14 wks. I'm so petrified that I'll be reliving this experience. That once again, my body will fail me and will reject my child too soon for him or her to fight on their own.

I didn't get to hold Sam immediately after her birth. I never got to nurse her, because after her 27day NICU stay with no LC to help us, my milk started to dry up. We know now it was because I was pg again, and had trouble producing for the pump anyway. For the entirety of DD's stay, I was "lucky" enough to stay at Ronald McDonald House two blocks from her hospital. I was there for 12-14 hrs every day, and called DH frequently to update him on her progress. He was only able to see her 4 times while she was in the hospital due to his work schedule.

And yes, everyone tells us how lucky we are that she's okay. I actually had one "friend" tell me that I was lucky someone else was taking care of her so that I could think about myself and relax and recover. According to her, most women "have" to take care of their babies right away, and don't get the alone time that I was being granted. I have not spoken to this person since that conversation. I know we are blessed that we're both alive, and she's healthy, and we've been blessed with another child. However, I'm still reeling.

I am in a mom's group that is fairly mainstream, and one of the more pregnant women has scheduled her csection for 38wks because she doesn't want her baby to get "too big." Another mom can't wait to get pg again so that she can have another c/sec, because her vaginal birth of an almost 9lb baby was "really hard." And I'm "insane" for wanting a natural birth this time around, and for only asked for meds after 31hrs of labor with DD.

I'm sorry I rambled so long. I just don't know how to handle all of these emotions.

[abbieandlady]

I know that all of you have good intentions for this thread. I wanted to post a reminder that not all nicu stays have "happy" (I mean going home outcomes).

My first ds was born at 33 weeks and stayed in the nicu 12 days. Overall it wasn't a bad experience. We had 11 weeks to plan for a preemie, and prepare ourselves for the stay.

So when I got preg a second time we weren't too worried we knew we'd be fine. We had our top 10 why the nicu has advantages list in our head and we were good to go. But when I went into labor at only 23 weeks things weren't so good. My ds was born by e-section and whisked off to the nicu. Everything was fine for the first 8 days he was doing everything he should be and there were no apparent complications. Then they started solids. His belly ruptured. We had to make the choice to terminate life support. Duncan passed away after just 10 days with us.

[eilonwy]

There was another board I where several women were due at the same time, and they were all talking about how miserable they were and how they wanted to be induced, blah blah blah (one was even talking about taking EPO and trying to induce herself at 36 weeks!), and it took every fiber in my being not to tell them how much I WISH that was me, how much I WISH I could have made it far enough to be miserable, to be glad they they made it far enough to be "miserable" because some people never get the chance, and the alternative is a hell of a lot worse. I never made it to "miserable" and it KILLS me that women would put their child's life at risk just because they're uncomfortable! It's like slap to the face of every preemie parent.

:guilty I felt so miserable toward the end of my pregnancy with Bella, and I felt guilty about feeling miserable, too. I even posted about it in my DDC; that I personally knew women who'd gladly trade places with me and my third trimester miseries, and that I knew it was best to stay pregnant for as long as possible, but I was so freaking unhappy. The stress of everything going on around me was too much. Being pregnant right up to nearly 37 weeks and having her go to NICU anyway was just adding insult to injury, for me. :(

I know that all of you have good intentions for this thread. I wanted to post a reminder that not all nicu stays have "happy" (I mean going home outcomes).

:Hug

[CallMeMommy]

Being pregnant right up to nearly 37 weeks and having her go to NICU anyway was just adding insult to injury, for me. :(

Ugh, I can imagine! 37 weeks is supposed to be "safe", babies aren't supposed to end up in the NICU after that.

[ThatCrazyLady]

This topic has brought back a lot of the emotions that I know still resonate within me and contribute to my somewhat paranoid parenting. I've started a couple responses in the other preemie threads, but not finished or submitted them. Since my little one has just fallen asleep on my chest, I'm going to give it a shot in this topic--probably the most important one for me, 12 years later.

After an invasive birth with an unsympathetic OB with dd1, I decided to go with a birthing center for my second pregnancy. I miscarried at 10 weeks. Two months later, pregnant again, I continued with the CNM birthing center but held my breath to 13 weeks. All went well to that point, and I relaxed a bit. At 16 weeks, bleeding started, and I was referred out to a high-risk OB. They determined that I was having regular contractions but that all looked OK as far as they could determine. They gave me medications to slow/weaken the contractions, but that wound up not being enough and I went on bed rest, home monitoring, and drugs at 18 weeks. At 24 weeks I felt a gush of fluid and went to the hospital. They tested and thought it was not amniotic fluid, but I was having frequent and strong contractions. I remained in the hospital for 8 days on magnesium sulfate, which is, as a pp stated, a truly evil drug. I couldn't think straight, was consumed by the metallic taste in my mouth, and begged, begged, begged, for fluids (fluid restriction is part of the magnesium protocol). I was finally released from the hospital, and went home to nervous bedrest. While my husband and daughter were out of town at my brother's wedding, I felt another gush of fluid and called the doctor's office. Since I had done a home monitoring session less than an hour before that showed no contractions, they ok'ed me to drive myself to the hospital for a test.

Several pp's have mentioned just knowing when the baby was truly coming. I had that feeling, but was again tested and told that there was no amniotic fluid leak. They suggested that I might have peed myself without realizing it :rolleyes and sent me back home. Three hours later I felt a very strange sensation and decided to check my cervix (which I'd also been advised not to do). A limb was protruding from my cervix, which had been sitting at 1-1.5 cm since the hospital admission a month prior. I absolutely freaked out, but called my home health care company first (it was a sunday morning and I knew I'd get through to a nurse quicker than the doctor's office), then my OB. Both told me to get to the hospital as quickly as possible, but not to drive myself. I called my mil (whom I hated) and rode the half hour in her back seat with my hips elevated. By the time we made it to the hospital, ds's whole arm was out and he was able to shake hands with the hospital staff. We were quickly prepped for c/s and I was informed we didn't have time for epidural, so I had to have GA.

As soon as I awoke I was asking to see my baby. They tried hard to put me off, but finally agreed to wheel me in on a gurney to the NICU. I wasn't allowed to touch him, but at least got to see my wonderful son. The next day I convinced my mother to find me a wheelchair and got myself into it to go down to the NICU, where I remained until they kicked me out. This became a pattern. For the next six weeks, as long as he remained in this hospital, I was in the NICU for 12-18 hours a day, only leaving for shift changes, eating, pumping, and sleep. The staff was not terribly pleased by my presence and questions and refused to consider kangaroo care, which I found information on and asked to do as a trial. I also fought battles over human milk fortifier, which twice "coincided" with bouts of NEC, vaccinating him with the chickenpox vaccine, experimental at that time, and the loud, bright atmosphere of the unit. Finally, with lots of weepy phone calls to my sympathetic pediatrician, I had him transferred to a hospital closer to home where our doctor had privileges. I had a long meeting with my ped, the nursing and medical directors of the new hospital's NICU before the transfer to discuss how to work together on helping my son to grow.

The change in atmosphere, attitude, and access made a substantial difference. At the first hospital, my son had lost weight for nearly a month and then was barely gaining--he looked already starved at times (being NPO for NEC didn't help). We initiated kangaroo care and saw improvements in his heart and breathing functions as well as quicker weight gain. Less than a week after the transfer (at 35 weeks GA) he began to nurse. The staff at this hospital also allowed, nay, encouraged me to do as much of his care as I felt comfortable with. So I learned to tube feed, cleaned his nasal cannula, and would re-secure leads that came loose when the monitors went off (which they did far too often). All of these were important for our next step, which was going home as the then-smallest baby ever released from that hospital, at 3 lbs. 12 oz., with home health care nurses, 24 hours a day for the first week then dropping to 8 hours a day over the next couple months.

While my son has done very well and now has no obvious ill effects of his early birth and interventions, I developed severe anxiety and depression just after he was declared medically stable (I think I held it together before that because I had no choice). His father and I divorced when he was 2 and a half--though the problems were there before, the NICU experience magnified them. To this day, when he has a hard time doing something or exhibits an unpleasant behavior, I may wonder whether it's a result of his early birth, NICU experience, my failings as a mother when reacting to all of this, or a combination.

While pregnant with his baby sister, now 3.5 months, I tried not to worry excessively as placental infarction, the cause of the ptl, is not a commonly recurring problem, but I certainly breathed easier after 28 weeks. I've always been a researcher by nature, but my health-related searches have a much more fervent character after having to buy, bring, and cite medical textbooks to justify what I was sure was right for my baby. I successfully delivered my new babe vaginally without interventions and have been able to follow my instincts and beliefs with her. But I still fear--I go in and check that her little chest is moving when she sleeps, I worry that the mosquito bites she got make me an unfit mother, and I really resist anything considered "medically routine." So get over it? Not in 12 years, for sure. Did it change me? Absolutely. What shall I do about it? Be grateful for having survived and learned, and do the best I can with what I'm given today.

[sehbub]

I know that all of you have good intentions for this thread. I wanted to post a reminder that not all nicu stays have "happy" (I mean going home outcomes).

My first ds was born at 33 weeks and stayed in the nicu 12 days. Overall it wasn't a bad experience. We had 11 weeks to plan for a preemie, and prepare ourselves for the stay.

So when I got preg a second time we weren't too worried we knew we'd be fine. We had our top 10 why the nicu has advantages list in our head and we were good to go. But when I went into labor at only 23 weeks things weren't so good. My ds was born by e-section and whisked off to the nicu. Everything was fine for the first 8 days he was doing everything he should be and there were no apparent complications. Then they started solids. His belly ruptured. We had to make the choice to terminate life support. Duncan passed away after just 10 days with us.


I'm so sorry for your loss.

[abbieandlady]

Thank you it's nice to have someone acknowledge not all nicu visits result in the happy homecoming.

[munkeesmama]

I have noot really dealt with people saying "get over it" maybe because it's all still so fresh. emma is 5 months. 2 months adjusted age. My whole labor happened so fast and it was a ceserean. I finad myself almost grieving my lost birth experience. My first was a c section after a long labor and pushing. My second was a vbac and my 3rd i wanted a birth center or at least very low intervention natural hospital birth. So not having that has been rough to deal with. Also we might be "done" having kids due to my history of pregnancies going wrong. People do tell me to be thankful blah blah blah. I find myself getting emotional looking at pictures and talking about her time in the nicu though.

[munkeesmama]

"A very wise doula told me that's because we (as moms) never "get over" our births - they become part of us and stay with us."

Very wise indeed. I am a doula as well and totally agree with this. I also know it to be true as a preemie parent.

[munkeesmama]

[QUOTE=abbieandlady]I know that all of you have good intentions for this thread. I wanted to post a reminder that not all nicu stays have "happy" (I mean going home outcomes).
QUOTE]

I am so sorry for your loss. I" have lost a child as well and nothing can prepare you for that. You are changed forever. Hugs.

[Lousli]

Holly, I am so sorry for your loss. :hugs

I'm not sure if you have visited the pregnancy and birth loss forum as well? I know there are amazing, warm, supportive women there too. I can't even begin to imagine the pain of losing a child. So sorry, mama.

[eilonwy]

After BeanBean was born, I got a lot of "just be thankful you have a healthy baby" comments. A lot of people told me that it could have been worse, he wasn't actually a preemie and a week in NICU was nothing. I had a vaginal delivery, so the birth couldn't have been all that traumatic, and my baby did come home only a week later, what was I so upset about?

The thing is, I had never in my wildest dreams expected that a) labor would be as horrific as it was or b) my baby wouldn't come home with me. I was just beyond shocked when BeanBean went to NICU; I thought that if he'd been premature or he'd been really late, or if he had a major congenital issue, but it never occurred to me that something might happen during the birth that would necessitate NICU time (meconium aspriation). I didn't even do the virtual tour of the NICU, I wasn't going to need it, everything was going to be just fine. My labor would be fast and easy, just like my mom's and my sister's, and my baby would be big and healthy and strong. I didn't even wonder about his first breath, or anything like that.

It took me two months before I could even think clearly about the experience. It was just awful. Even then, I thought, "At least this was a fluke, and I'll never have another NICU baby again." I nearly went into shock when they told me Bella was going. :bigeyes :yikes: :run :gloomy: Nobody has told me to "just get over it" this time, but I haven't really talked about it much outside of these forums. I spent that time in my hospital room crying and pumping and crying some more, then waiting for someone to wheel me down to NICU. I can remember walking once by myself, pushing the wheelchair; I'd waited 20 minutes, and it took me another half hour to get to NICU (not that long a walk, I just wasn't up to it 18 hours after a c-section), so by the time I got there and scrubbed in (have I mentioned yet that I hate that soap?) I only had five minutes to nurse my Bella before shift change. She was unhappy, I was unhappy, we were miserable all around. The NICU nurses told me that the next time, I should just call them and one of them would come and wheel me out to NICU (and they did). They were so kind and so supportive, but I couldn't explain what I was feeling to them-- all I could say was, "I want her out of this place, please, let me get her out of here, I just want her with me..."

[mimid]

Duncan passed away after just 10 days with us.


Oh Holly! I cannot imagine having to make that choice and going through that! :hug

[LynnE73]

My apologies for not reading everyone's posts on this thread...two kids keep me very busy. :o
What I want to say though is that after my son's stay in the NICU (6 days of pure hell) followed by months of crying (mine), I finally learned about EMDR therapy from friend. In just 5 sessions I felt like a new woman. It did not diminish the experience in any way but it really helped me to process it and overcome the crippling grief I was going through. Here is a link that I hope can help many of you on a path to more peace...

http://www.emdr.com/

Warmly,
Lynn E.

Also, if you have any questions please feel free to PM me.

[Guinevere]

We've been out of town, so I just got a chance to return to this thread tonight...

First off, Holly, a gentle :hug to you. I've posted for years on a message board for preeclampsia, and too many mamas there have lost their babies in NICU; it makes my heart ache unbearably. :( My DD Hanna developed NEC, and it was really touch-and-go for about a week before we knew she'd pull through; it was a dark time. I am so sorry for your loss.

I've been thinking about this thread while I've been gone, going over my own history and births and reliving it all again, as well as giving thought to what I did to heal and cope. You all are so right, these experiences never go away, they shape us forever, and, if we can conquer the worst of the pain, they ultimately make us stronger, more compassionate, more empathetic women.

My first preemie experience was over 7 1/2 yrs. ago (33-wkr. due to PROM) and it is still incredibly fresh. What I remember most was how loud and bright and out of control and busy my delivery room was -- there were probably about 10 people in there when Kieran crowned -- and then, only mins. afterwards -- I was completely alone, but for one nurse who stayed behind to monitor my vitals. It was totally surreal. I had just given birth, but I had no baby, and no husband (I had sent him to be w/Kieran), no one at all to celebrate with. My arms felt so empty. I was very, very sad. :( My first contact with my son was a polaroid snapshot that a NICU nurse sent to my room. A blurry picture of a tiny, pale blob buried under tubes and wires. That's all I was given to bond with.

Hanna was my second preemie, a 31-wkr. induced due to eclampsia. I was so ill I didn't even see her until she was 4 days old. Her birth was much harder on me, partly b/c I almost died (although I didn't allow myself to even admit that for a full year after she was born), but mostly b/c, when I was wheeled into the NICU to see her for the first time, I now knew EXACTLY what we were in for. In a way, my ignorance about preemies w/my firstborn was bliss; with Hanna, I knew what to fear, and I suffered tremendous guilt for putting another sweet baby through an early birth and subsequent NICU stay. I felt completely betrayed by my body, and terrified to ever go through another pregnancy. My DH, who almost lost his wife and child, was thoroughly traumatized, as well. We were done.

Except that I just couldn't let it go. I needed to understand WHY, why had this happened to me? Could it be prevented? How? Thus entered my research phase, lol. I posted on message boards, seeking others' experiences, I voraciously read medical journal articles and abstracts, I emailed and telephoned with leading researchers in the field.

My research phase ultimately accomplished two important things: it made me feel empowered, like I had some control over my reproductive destiny, and it gave me hope that I was not doomed to repeat my two premature births. However, it did absolutely nothing to heal me from the emotional trauma I'd been through.

I'm not proud to say that I did a really good job at just totally repressing my emotions about my birth experiences (not a healthy response, I know, but one we often choose b/c other concerns, like our children, are simply far more pressing) until DH and I made the decision to TTC baby #3. Then, quite simply, I fell apart. I couldn't sleep, and when I did, I would have terrible, terrible dreams, dreams of death, mine or my childrens', dreams of needles and incredible pain. I became extremely anxious, and would cry at the drop of a hat or lash out in anger without provocation. I desperately wanted to be pregnant. But I was terrified of getting pregnant.

So, finally, I bit the bullet and went to see a therapist. I was diagnosed with PTSD, (no big surprise, there) and did a combination of guided imagery and EMDR therapy over the course of 3 mos. I felt dramatically better after therapy; in particular, we worked on helping me deal with my memories of having an eclamptic seizure and of the many, many IVs I'd had between the two births, of which I had subsequently become completely terrified.

I spent my third and fourth pregnancies in a state of intense medical scrutiny with lots of close calls/dire warnings that all turned out just fine in the end, but were very stressful to deal with at the time. The births were far more "medical" than I wanted, but were otherwise normal. And at the time, I felt I had no right to complain about anything, since at least Cameron and Charlotte weren't preemies.

From the very beginning, I planned my fifth and last baby to be the "healing" pregnancy and birth -- this was going to be my ultimate do-over, the one where I would do everything right from the very start. I engaged a fabulous homebirth MW and prepared for a home waterbirth. I read Birthing from Within and met with its author, who lives in my town, to further process my fears about birth. I spent a lot of time giving conscious thought and planning to my pregnancy and birth, how to make it as natural and comfortable and fulfilling an experience as I could manage. My other children were so excited to share in the birth; they made birthing candles and a welcome banner for the baby. I found myself actually, *gasp*, looking forward to labor, b/c I had finally arrived at a good, safe place, physically and emotionally.

Until, one day, Sophie stopped moving, and only an hour later, I was in an operating room, having my first-ever surgery, listening to the neo and nurses trying desperately to resuscitate her. :gloomy: This time around, the NICU experience hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. I never thought I'd have to see the inside of one again, and my easy familiarity with the jargon, the procedures, the protocols brought me no comfort. I was back to the club of bradys, O2 sats, NG tubes, leads and endless alarms, and all I wanted to do was shout, "I'm not IN this club, darn it! I paid my dues and cancelled my membership, years ago! I don't want to BE in this club anymore!" :irked:

Now, three months later, I have two predominant feelings: that Sophia must have been given to me b/c I had certain lessons to learn, and she will be my guide as I learn them; and that I STILL want my "do-over" birth, darn it! I really want another child, even though I know I won't have one and that wanting one is total folly. But the longing runs deep. I totally understand where you mamas are coming from with those feelings.

Guin

[americastamps]

This struck such a chord with me. So often I just want someone, ANYONE, else to acknowledge that it is okay to struggle with my feelings about dd's birth. As beautiful and precious as she is, and as thankful as I am that she is all right, the fact remains that I worked really hard to have a mindful and empowering birth and I ended up terrified and out of control. And instead of blissfully bonding with my newborn, I spent the early days of her life watching the numerous procedures and tests, consulting with her doctors, struggling to breastfeed, and trying to learn to comfort her without being able to hold her. Could it have been a thousand times worse? Absolutely. But that doesn't mean my feelings are invalid or inappropriate.

My dd is 16 months old now, and I am only starting to really do the work of resolving these feelings. I've been so focused on dd's health that it was easy to push them aside. Dh and I have been talking about ttc, though, and I'm finding that I am resistant, mainly because I'm really scared. So I'm trying to find a kind of peace, but I don't know if I really know how to do that.


That is so how I feel!! Thanks for putting it into words. My son is 4 years old and I still struggle sometimes with negative feelings about how he came into the world (postterm almost two weeks late, natural labor which ended in C-section and three week NICU stay)
I try to remember that he is healthy now
I try to remember that so many others had it so much worse and they are fine (one of my good friends had a son in the NICU for months)
I try to remember that I'm not supposed to dwell on the past.

But I need someone to help me get past this nagging negative cloud that appears from time to time. Especially now that I am pregnant and due in November. I want all these feelings washed out of me before I go into labor with my next little boy.

I am hoping for a nice delivery, everything I ever dreamed of etc but have to be prepared for the idea it just might not work out the way I hoped, I might have a repeat c-section and God forbid this one ends up in the NICU too but I just feel like I have to grieve my last experience properly so I can prepare myself for whatever is in store this time.

I'm so much more nervous this time and I feel like it is going to make my labor much more difficult...
Erica

[jkpmomtoboys]

I was back to the club of bradys, O2 sats, NG tubes, leads and endless alarms, and all I wanted to do was shout, "I'm not IN this club, darn it! I paid my dues and cancelled my membership, years ago! I don't want to BE in this club anymore!"

This really resonated with me. When it looked like ds2 was going to be a previa again, I had the same exact thoughts....

Always interesting to be part of a sorority nobody wants to be in. ;)