The whole switching things over to GD, no punitive punishments etc has worked well with my youngest children. I love it and we are getting along better.

It's not going as easily with my 9yo dss and while I have been keepign my cool, today I nearly lost it on him. There is a long history here so lemme see if i can sum it up (dh divoriced dss bio mom 8 yrs ago, I met him a yr after the d. Dh has had custody since the D so dss has lived with us together since we married a little over 6 yrs ago. DSS used to get along really well with me, I was the only one who could tuck him in at night, would ocassionaly call me mommy etc we had a great relationship. Over the last 2 yrs its declined dramatically. He has a lot of anger/agression issues stemming from his deadbeat bio mom. I recently found out he blames me for the D and I am the reaosn his mom and dad are not together, nevermind his mom has remarried twice and is currently married to her 3rd dh, but they are blameless. I get the anger from it all. And recently he has been saying I am not his other mom and he doesn;t have to listen to me at all b/c I am "just" his step mom...which poses a huge problem as DH just left out to sea. I was expecting some issues since he will not only be dealing with issues after spending a few weeks this summer at his moms but also coming back home and dad having to leave for 6 mths)
So anyways...the last 2-3 weeks have been mostly ok. We have gone over the rules of respecting each other, respecting personal space, keeping our hands/feet to ourselves. It seems to be I need to constantly remind him that we don't use our hands in this house, keep your feet off your bro/sis etc etc. Come to today...for no reason decides to hit ds5 on the head with a stack of dvd's ( I was sitting right beside them so I know there was no reason). i asked him to go to his room as he was not respecting personal space. He told me no several times. I didn't know what to do so I told him look you can go to your room until you can respect your brothers space and not hit him or you will not be going to football practice today. Blah, threats! He decided not to go to his room, went to the playroom instead. He was harrassing ds again but I ignored it as I don;t want to interfere, would prefer they work out the petty disputes between themselves, when suddenly ds let out this blood curdling scream. I ran to the room and found out that dss had taken ds plastic chair and swiped it down his face, slicing his nose lip and gum....for NO REASON. Ds said he was just trying to sit down and dss said he had no reason for doing it.

I calmly todl him since he has shown he cannot behave and get along with others in the common rooms he needed to go to his room, right.now. I was seethign inside but calm outside. He told me in no uncertain terms no he didn;t want to and basically there wa snothing I could do about it. So *sigh* I pulled out the threats. Go to your room or you are grounded for the rest of today and tommorow as well. NO. Ok you can be grounded wed too and no football tues. NO. I really didnt want to lose my temper or yell so I physically picked him up (no easy feet as he is almost as tall as me and 95lbs!) and put him in his room.

I honestly don't know how to handle this situation. I don't want to ground him or keep him from football practice. I dont want to be giving him ridiculous choices like that. But I also will not tolerate him hurting his siblings in any way . I know part of this is him testing to see if I am going to revert to old ways (which I did minus the yelling) and part of him being defiant b/c he feels he can since I am just the stepmom and do not have dh to back me up. I also think some of it is he just has no self control and will do things without thinking about what will happen if he does it.

TIA if you got thru all that ramblings. I just needed to get it out and get some perspective on the sitch.

Can I ask how old the younger children are? And, do you have the opportunity to spend any one on one time with dss? And, how long is your dh gone for? Just some basic questions that might help some others give some better answers than mine will be.

I don't have much advice for you except to maybe help you understand that he is entering puberty and a lot of issues that kids had going on in their younger lives tend to resurface at this age. The emotions are still there. I am sure that he IS angry at his mother and probably his father, too. And, now, with his father deployed, he is probably having some abandoment issues, even though he is old enough to know that his dad is coming back. That doesn't take away any fear that he may be feeling because it happened to him before with a parent. Does any of that make any sense?

I don't know what you can do to help him with all that. But, I would suggest spending some really good quality time with just him.

Ok, gotta go, but I hope you get some good advice.

Jenniebug, I have read some of your other posts. Correct me if I have this wrong. Dss is one of five children that you are parenting alone? His father has left him without any recourse that you are the caregiver. His biological mother isn't available? He is dieting for football season, with restrictions on tv, computer use. Mandated food intake and activity to facilitate weight loss that he is cooperative about? You have recently changed from physically punishing and you are having what is commonly considered "rebound" behaviors, imo. I would guess that your son has no sense of stability or autonomy over his life and is trying to create some control in whatever way that he can. I strongly recommend The Explosive Child book.

Here are some concrete suggestions:

1. Fill love tank. See "The Five Love Languages for Children". The author suggests that the five are: acts of service, physical touch, gifts, affirmation, quality time. We generally value all; but there is usually a primary 'love language' and each adult or child feels more full of love, or empty of love, if their love language isn't being "spoken" to them consistently, daily.

2. Eye contact when speaking with child.

3. Validation of feelings. The "How to Talk so Kids will Listen, How to Listen so Kids will Talk" discusses pratical communication skills for increasing the dialogue effectiveness.

4. "Siblings Without Rivalry" helps discuss allowing the "ugly" feelings about a sibling or situation to be voiced and validated. This helps the child work through them so that he can move away from carrying them alone. And then he can gain perspective once these are not such a heavy burden.

5. "The Explosive Child" discusses 'picking your battles'. Basically, it has a "Basket" criteria of degrees of battle. Basket "A" is safety issues. These are critical to health and worth making an issue over. Basket "C" are little things that won't matter tomorrow, next week or next month. These are ignored and dealt with without creating an issue/battle or power struggle.

Basket "B" are the important but negotiable items which need buy-in. Most things are here. But the issue is to determine 'Is this critical to the family's happiness *today* to create a power struggle?' What other ways can this issue be tackled together as a team?

6. Food intolerances: dairy causes aggression in our son. We see his behavior change about one hour after consumption and lasts 1-6 hours depending on quantity consumed. Also, high fructose corn syrup (not sugar), artificial colors: red and yellow. See "The Feingold Diet" on-line.

7. 'Meet the underlying needs' is my mantra. Focus on working to solve the need, rather than focusing on eliminating the behavior.

Let me know if you have further questions. You have a tough time ahead. By remaining calm and modelling self-control, your son may have the opportunity to learn new tools of frustration management along with you. Breaking the cycle of forcing your way must be demonstrated for him to adopt it. It is much harder for you to keep him from relying on hitting to solve problems since you have modelled this tool. You have the power to change this for your whole family. It is not going to be easy though. Learning new tools takes time and support. You also need time to recharge yourself. What resources do you have to support you during dh's absence? :hug

HTH, Pat

In addition to Pat's great advice, I wonder if there's a way you can get him counseling -- he's got a lot of issues to deal with. Divorce, checked-out bio mom, dad gone, plus whatever else is on his plate.

Maybe someone to talk to just for him, to help him work out some good strategies might help fill some of his needs too.

And if you're going to pick something to revoke (not a great idea, but in the heat of the moment I understand), for heaven's sake, don't make it physical activity!!!

It might not hurt too to talk to him about this tomorrow - acknowledge that you lost your temper and so did he -- maybe ask suggestions for things that might help him calm down?

Can I ask how old the younger children are? And, do you have the opportunity to spend any one on one time with dss? And, how long is your dh gone for? Just some basic questions that might help some others give some better answers than mine will be.


The kids are 10, 9 (dss), 5, 4 and 16 mths. B/c the youngest is super demanding I really don't have the opportunity to spend much time alone with him at all. I do try to give him the power of chossing what to do like for instance, going to the "big" park for a picnic, picking out a new vid game for his gameboy, swimming at the beach etc. Things he wants to do that we can all enjoy and have fun doing. DH is gone for 6 mths. I was expecting things to be hard, and I have to be honest and say they have actually been easier than expected. DSS and I just tend to explode when we get going at each other, we are exactly alike.

Thank you Pat. The tv/computter restriction is something that had never been an issue before b/c he was always outside or doing something else. It wasn't until his visit to his mom that it became an issue :/ The food intake is something we should all be doing (6 small meals) otherwise he would go thru the day not eating and then gorge himself on everything he could get his hands on. Which I can be the same way so its a struggle for me to also follow the 3 meals, 3 snacks agenda. Yes he is one of 5 that I am parenting alone right now, dh is gone for 6 mths. That makes sense that he is trying to create control. Well actually its nothing new with him, he has the alpha male personality, wants to be the boss and in charge. But it does make a lot of sense that that is what he is doing.

I have several of those books you recommended. I am working on reading UP at the moment but will add The Explosive child to my nightstand to read as well.

Food intolerances: we don't eat/drink much of dairy, with the exception of the occasional cheese or yogurt (and that includes the hidden dairy in food since I have to be on a mostly dairy/soy free diet for the baby) and since most of the foods in the house are whole foods its really rare for him to get the high fructose crap. I did notice in the past that anything red (even ketchup) would make him a bit hyper active. I didn't know yellow coloring could also be a culprit....inetresting.

You are right, learning this new tool will take time and support. It didn't happen overnight for me and I shouldn't expect it to happen for him either. I needed that reality check. I don't have many resources for help. I did hire a bi monthly maid service, and have a sitter so I can keep my own therapy appts. They are part of a local playgroup and I have the FSG (wives on the boat support group) but I don't really know anyone in the fsg yet since we just got on this boat.

Another poster suggested counseling for DSS. It's something I have discussed a lot with him but he doesn't want to go. Should I take him to at least one session and then let him decide after that if he wants to continue? I personally think it would do him a world of good to have a person he can talk to that isn't me. We have pretty good talks but I know there are things he would rather not discuss with me.