Anyone get sick of going back forth back forth...

[JesseMomme]

I've had a terrible morning. I don't know what happened to me. One minute I had the kids fed and was happy (albiet really sleepy) and decided to lay down on the couch for a while (it was 6:00am :eek) and the next thing I know 5 minutes later the kids had gotten into my makeup in the bathroom (granted I never wear it) - lipstick everywhere. More than one tub of it, like, 3 tubes of it. CLean laundry they had tossed out of the drawers. Their face, hands, clothes, the carpet, the couch. They tried it yesturday but I rescued it all time. I absolutely hit the roof. I promptly got them in the tub and walked away because I thought I was going to spank them. After cleaning them off in the tub I was in tears. I cried getting them dressed. I cried while nursing the baby who had waken up at that point. I cried while changing him. I feel like the bottom rung of the mother ladder right now.
God bless my Dh. After I walked in the bedroom to setm y coffee down and was going back to tget the baby he had me lay dwn next to him and tell him what was wrong. Ands assured me that I wasn't a terrible mother (he cites his own mother in comparison, who truly was mentally ill and abusive) and that I'm nothing like her at all. (This is like this fear of mine, that I will turn into her or something) Then he got up and hung out with all three kids for a while and let me take a nap. Well, almost took a nap. I just layed awake in a daze for a half hour. I kept asking him to not go to work today but it just isn't an option - things are tight trying to get that ***** piece of crud second car on the road. I have to "hang in there" until at least 7-8, sigh...Sunday was great with him here all day. Sure parenting is still a challenge but we work together and its not so tough, if that makes sense.
And, my maya is on the line outside still. Getting rained on. Lot of good its doing me right now. Ds is heavy!! I have carried him and carried him till my arm is falling off. But he looks so dissapointed when I sethim down that it breaks my heart! I've tried waiting for the oppt to go and get it, but the kids refuse to take a nap, and taking all three of them all the wayoutside (and across the courtyard) just isn't happening, logistically.
I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, espeically thinking I cant seem to clean the house enough and it looks like hell. Donovan's birthday party is Sunday and I'd be embarrased for people to see how bad it is right now. It's not dirty, just cluttered, and well the floor does need to be mopped. The back porch needs to be cleared and stuff taken to the curb. Bottles need to be returned. That sort of thing.
Anyways I have just been blindsided - that's what it feels like. The the next day will be better and I think "oh this is nice, maybe I can keep going up" then the day after will be the lowest low. I'm feeling really angry at myself, like Idid something wrong and its all my fault. I blame myself for having all of my kids so close in age, but I don't dare say a word to anyone because all anyone (mostly) will ever say to me was "I told you so" in regards to how hard it would be, how full my hands would be, etc etc.
Maybe I should go read my older posts here, I had a clearer head on my shoulders then and was completely happy. I wonder if I have good advice for myself :LOL
Ah well time to make lunch and plow through the rest of the day. Thanks for letting me vent.

[QueeTheBean]

Yup--that's me to a tee.

I've had a pretty good run here for a week or so--really feeling great. Experience has shown me that I could wake up tomorrow and be right back in it. This is the part I find so baffling--there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. The weather has finally turned nice here--in the 60s and sunny all week--the flowers are beginning to come out, the trees are budding, and the grass is even greening up. That has helped my mood--just to be able to feel the sun on my skin, but still, I always wonder when it will hit me again, and WHY am I like this--why can't I just be more stable??


No advice, but I certainly know how you feel.

Wish I could come hold that baby for you, help you mop your floor, and get ready for the party. :crap

[Jish]

I wish I had wonderful words of wisdom for you, but even the most put together moms who don't suffer from PPD, have these types of days.:rolleyes: I guess it's all part of the job, having to deal with PPD on top of it just magnifies the highs and lows.

You know how little kids think cleaning is fun? Perhaps this could be the theme of the party and you could give everyone mops and brooms and let them go to work on your house. The kids would likely love it, and wouldn't know it's work. Imagine having a clean house AFTER a party.:LOL

I hope tomorrow is a better day.:)

[mamamoo]

:hug I know exactly how you feel!!! Someone finally put into words what I have been going through. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, and I'm thinking of you. I swear sometimes MDC is the only reason I am still sane, well that at pbs:rolleyes: I feel like it never ends, and I hate not knowing when I will feel okay and when I won't want to get out of bed!! It's hard Mama, and you are doing a great job! Hang in there.
Love, Debi

[asherah]

I understand too. It can be a roller-coaster ride.. one minute I'm filled with love for DS...
the next minute I'm bawling all over the place and feeling like the worst mom ever.

When I get like that I just slow it down to one minute at a time..
this minute I can be ok.. then the next, then the next..
sometimes I just have to get through the day one minute at a time, talking myself out of my negative thoughts.

It's hard, I know.

[JesseMomme]

Thanks :hug mamas. That night on the terrible morning Dh got home from work with a boquet of roses and a thing of oreo cookies. With purple filling (b/c purple is my favorite color) What a guy. I swear he is my rock. I have always been afraid he would turn away from me b/c I've been afraid that with PPD I'd remind him too much of his mother whom I think had the same thing after each baby (she had eight kids), had a life long history of "something not right" (to quote her mom) and is now manic depressive. And well, Dh has issues with his mom - so I didn't want him to think I'd be giving a repeat performance. He assured me I was "nothing" like she was, ever. She could get physically abusive and was spiritually mean and dependant.
So anyways since then I have been on a "forth" swing rather than the back swing. We wound up not cleaning the house until Sunday morning :LOL but I tried not to stress too much. Yes I have had the kids help mommy clean before, I don't expect anything to get clean but it does keep them busy for a while I agree. The next day on D's birthday we managed to get outside and play for a while, it was 61 degrees! It was our first day outside to play since before the baby arrived. Then the day after it rained the entire day :( we all slept the whole day!! That's a rarity. (all fell asleep at 4, woke at 7 :eek) Woke up yesturday to SNOW!! The party with everyone over kept DH and I busy but went with out a hitch and everyone was gone by 5pm. Dh was a tremendous help, and everyone wanted to hold the baby, so I got little breaks. I even got some laundry done (with a mountain more left to do, but I had to take a half hour and rescue diapers off the snowladen line outside, that was a trip). Dh even helped me clean up afterwards.
Well it's lunchtime and baby boy is wet and hungry, better run. Thanks again mommas for being here. Uh oh , someone has a toothbrush :LOL

[mama2girls]

:thumb Jesse!

I was wondering how you were doing. I hope the snow melts soon and you can get back outside. It really helps my mood to get out! (Well, so does sleep...)

J

[geogirl]

Glad things are looking up. Here's hoping that the forth swings are longer than the back swings. I completely understand where you are coming from. I think that sometimes on my "good" days I try way too hard and then the fall back is a bad day. Desperatly seeking balance.

Rebecca

[ekblad9]

It's all so hard some days and easy the next! That's frustrating! I have a baby the same age as yours and can tell you that I get NOTHING done during the day. It's only at night when daddy comes home that I can get a few things done. Hang in there! It sounds like you're doing great!:love

[JesseMomme]

:crying <-- a happy cry. again I'm just so glad you gals are here. I try to keep telling myself I don't need to be Superwoman. I think subconciously I have been doing that, and then of course it backfires and I'm left all :confused: over what I'm feeling. Yes I've been telling the snow all day to please melt. Pretty pleaaaaase. I felt entirely fine when we got to go out for a while. I need to go out more!! I think the day it rained my body just shut me down on purpose, like, if I wasn't going to sleep, then my body was going to make me. By the grace of the cosmos, all of the kids slept with me, I am so so so so grateful for that (they won't take naps anymore, they didn't today, or yesturday...)