Are you Lying-In after your baby is born?

[NewIma]

Hello everyone!
I just got my newest issue of mothering and they have an article about "lying in" or staying home-just parents and baby-so that you can bond as a family without the distractions of extended family and friends. Are you doing this or not? I had planned on having my mother come and stay with us for a week or two after our daughter is born but now I am wondering if that is a good idea . Maybe is should just be dh, dd, and me for the first week or so and then my mom could come and help out when dh goes back to work. But can first time parents handle it on their own at first? What do you think? Second time moms-any words of wisdom?
Thanks!
Rachel

[Fuamami]

No way. I would definitely want some help. My mom had to leave after my ds was two days old, and it was very hard. Maybe things will go easier for you, but I wanted more help. I wanted dh to help me with the baby, but he'd be busy with dd. I personally think it's much easier to bond when your older child feels like their needs are being met.

[Gracefulmom]

I had never even heard of lying-in until I read that article. Sounds wonderful!! I'm definitely considering it... will have to talk more to dh and work out the details, but I'd love to do it.

This is my third pregnancy, and I would say a first-time mom could do this with GREAT success. I had some breastfeeding problems with my first baby, and we overcame them just because both of us are SO stubborn.:lol I think many of those issues would never have come up if we'd done a lying-in period.

I'm interested to hear what other moms thought of the article...

[earthgirl]

I loved the article and it really made me want to try it. I just don't know how practical that will be for us. My DH is wonderful, but his domestic work leaves much to be desired. I'm not joking, he can't cook ANYTHING! I know I won't really be thinking about the domestic stuff, but some stuff has to get done, right? At any rate, the article did make me consider putting a ban on visitors for at least the first week. Part of me worries a little about hurting people's feelings, but I think it might be what's best for our new family.

[One Art]

I want to try it too... the article was very inspiring... we will have to have a few visitors, as my mom is my midwife and my sister will be at the birth also, and as my IL's and BIL also live in town, everyone will have to have their fair share of seeing the baby, but I really hope to make the visits short and enjoy our little nest for a couple weeks. I need to talk to dh about it so we can establish the boundaries ahead of time....

[Ahappymel]

I think I would want to celebrate waaay too much :wink
The way I see it is that family/friends are so excited when a baby is first born and I want them to share in our celebration.
But...with that being said, I think that it's best to ask that visits are kept short and only in a certain time window a day.

[sweetfeet]

Yep, dh is taking several weeks of paid FMLA paternity leave. We're allowing short, less than 30 minute, visits. If the visitor wants to stay longer they need to be doing something productive. This is our time. I just don't feel like sharing those first few weeks this time around.

The last time I busted arse making sure the house was presentable for visitors, taking her to visit, making small talk, etc. All while recovering from a c-section. After the babymoon period I felt used. People stopped coming by and I was left with memories of those first few weeks that were more of a smear of time than magical moments.

[ChiaraRose]

I guess that is what we did after ds was born. I was pretty weak after birth, so I didn't really get out of bed before day 5 and the we just stayed put. i think we went to get groceries when he was almost 2 weeks and a small walk around the block, like 5 min after week one. We had one visitor for 5 min on day 5. My mom came when ds was 6 weeks old and it was perfect. I wouldn't want it any other way. Sometimes it was hard, especially after dh went back to work, but it was also wonderful to just be.
I would do it again like this (if my ds lets me:p )

[mamanurse]

You can still lie in even if your mom is staying with you. She'll be able to cook, clean, and take care of your other dc while you spend precious time with your new babe. I'm definitely planning on it with my next:thumb

[storychick]

We did a week or two with both our previous kids and it was lovely just to have us. We had short visits occasionally but in both cases were in new cities with little support anyway and no family to come bug us. We had a really great babymoon with both kids... and with #1 particularly it was really nice not to have to "perform" for anyone or worry about criticism about how/when I was breastfeeding or that I hadnt showered in days. We could just BE. (We ate a lot of takeout, though! lol)

This one I think I want my mom here earlier. Just because I need more help with the older two than I did before. My parents are planning to move out here and I really hope it happens before baby, because having them be around just a little but go home again each evening is pretty much ideal (rather than staying with us). I just don't trust DH to be able to let go of work for 2 whole weeks like he says he will. :irked:

[LeosMama]

We did a lying-in with our first one. My folks came about 5 days after birth and stayed for a week, did all the cooking and cleaning and just stayed out of our hair (mostly). They are coming again this time, to take care of ds and to do the housekeeping and cooking (my dad is so excited to be cooking for me and the new baby, he's so sweet!).

If your helpers know that they are there to run your household while you convalesce with the new baby, then that is the best lying-in. No chores for you to do except take care of the baby. If they want to visit and get you to go do things, then that is not helpful.

[aniT]

With my first baby I lived with my parents (ex-dh left when I was three months pregnant) and they just annoyed the hell out of me!

With #2 my mom came to babysit #1 and left the day after I got home (we lived two hours away and she had to wait for my stepdad to come get her. She doens't drive on highways/freeways. :dizzy: )

With #3 my parents came to babysit again. DD was born at 6am, I got home at 10pm, and they left by noon the next day.

I honestly think it would have pissed me off had they stayed any longer. I like my privacy and you just can't have that with "guests" about.

This time my mom lives a mile away. I really don't see her coming over to help much, (since she rarely does unless I ask) but at least she lives close enough that I can tell her to go away. :lol

[phillychiquita]

We'll have a homebirth, and my midwives recommend a minimum of two weeks in the bedroom and no stairs for two weeks, which they say helps you heal faster and encourages you to lounge upstairs and nest with baby and learn to breastfeed and not do housestuff. I told my mom about it, and she thought it was the absolute best idea she'd ever heard, and told me she'd be there to help keep things going (food, cleaning, etc) and I feel really confident that she'll really be helpful during that time. I wont mind having her there at all. After reading the article in mothering, I now see all sorts of other benefits, and I am excited to be able to do it.

So our plan is this: We'll explain the "midwives rules" to our families before the birth, and then after the baby comes, DH will take two weeks off to lie in with us. My mom, who lives 3 miles from my house, will be our gatekeeper and helper during that time. She'll work with MIL to cook meals and fend off visitors, help out around the house, do laundry, etc...
If visitors come during that time (all the ILs and our brothers will be chomping at the bit), I think that DH could bring the baby down for a brief glimpse but I wont be coming downstairs... and I will let them all know that way ahead of time, so they arent surprised in any way or put out. After the two weeks are up, we'll have an official welcome baby party for our close family and friends to 1) help them share in our joy 2) help us create a mental break between babymoon and "reality" for ourselves and our families.

[emdeecee_sierra]

Not sure yet. I think I overheard DH telling SIL it would be fine for them to come visit after baby arrives. Last time that meant when baby was 2 weeks old. However, DH also said that he didn't want another relative coming to help until he returns to work. He thinks it would just be redundant help since he'll be home for a few weeks anyway. Said relative arrived just after birth last time and stayed for a week helping, staying at a hotel. It was wonderful! So this time we might have visitors, but help following some weeks later. I would be more than ok with SIL waiting to come visit. I get really nervous with visitors around a newborn, particularly visitors with children who attend school, and particularly during the winter months. DH does ok with helping post-partum. He does better with each birth, actually. That was part of the benefit of having the relative around last time- she spoiled me rotten, wouldn't let me get up for anything without her 'permission', kept my tea mug and water glass full constantly, etc., - sort of set a standard for DH LOL! And with both of them around to help me, it really was nice. But I doubt she's going to offer to help this time. If she does, we'll have her come later, maybe a month after birth.

We had "help" after DC #2 was born (another relative). She planned on staying with us for a week or so. We sent her home/away after one afternoon. She was simply taking over our house. Virtually yelling at DH for the way he put one item in the dishwasher. Completely taking over DC#1, as if we, the parents, were not in the same country; it was weird. I think she was a bit peeved, but oh well. She was putting so much stress on us due to her behavior there was no way we could have lasted one more hour with her, let alone a week, let alone her staying with us (she was local).

For DC#1, I really needed help and didn't get much. Even from DH, who maintains that he helped 'a lot', but in fact spent much of his time off at work anyway. He was under the influence of thinking I am SuperWoman and could handle it all. I have a hard time asking for help in general; that time I really got burned because every time I actually caved and asked, no one delivered:gloomy: .

In my experience, help can be wonderful, help can be horrible. Having visitors can be ok, it can be nerve-wracking; it all just depends on the other people and your relationship with them.

[pageta]

My mom is coming to help, but she is real help, not trouble. She is flying in from across the country as soon as the baby is born. DH's relatives are all local or live within two hours. None of them lifted a finger to help last time and instead complained about how they didn't get to hold the baby. Needless to say, I already have my midwife's permission to say that she said no visitors (except my mom) for however long I want (which will be ten days to two weeks).

I tried to explain why to DH, but he doesn't get it. Labor is hard work - after ds was born I was more tired than I ever could have possibly imagined. Then you can't get much rest anyway because you have a newborn to get to know and take care of. The last thing you need is a her of curious onlookers to make you feel self-conscious. I don't expect near as many challenges after the birth of this child, but just the same, we will not be entertaining any "curious onlookers" thank you very much.

[ChristieB]

Rachel, I couldn't tell from your post if this is your first child or not. My recommendation would really depend on that. I'd say that if she's your first, then you could ask your mom to wait until after your dh goes back to work (unless you want her at the birth). Just make sure that you have meals prepared and frozen ahead of time. If this is not your first, then I would say that your mom may be very helpful in helping with your older child/ren during the lying-in period.

With our first (I'm pg with our second now), we hadn't heard about lying-in, but that's basically what we did. I didn't realize that until I read the same article you did. I had such a difficult labor and tore so badly that staying in bed with ds was about all I could manage for awhile. And dh stayed home with me to help (even brought me breakfast in bed everyday). He's so industrious that he didn't get as much bonding out of the experience as he could have, but did get some. We had a few short visits from folks, but not many. Mostly from the midwife and our neighbor who is also our dr. (she wanted to check my stitches occasionally). My mom was here for the birth but had to leave just a day or two after we got home from the hosptial. I was sad to see her go, but really worked fine, and we had more bonding time because of it.

My ILs came a week or two after ds was born. It was a short visit, and probably a little too soon, but not bad. The problem was that my mom and ILs live quite a distance from here and they had to buy tickets well in advance. And we had made plans based on ds coming right around his due date, but he didn't. He was 2.5 wks. late. So, my mom was here for quite awhile before he was born, when our plan was for her to be here for the birth and stay and help afterwards. And my ILs were going to be a month after the birth, but well, you get the idea.

This time, since we have ds, I'm really hoping that my mom can come again. For the birth and for awhile afterwards. We'll need someone to be with ds while I'm in labor (we're planning a home birth) and watch his blood sugars, since he has diabetes. And it would be nice to have someone spend time with him afterwards so that I can really focus on the new baby. We live so far out that visitors dropping in isn't really a concern.

Hope this helped.

Christie

[LionTigerBear]

I think I would want to celebrate waaay too much :wink
The way I see it is that family/friends are so excited when a baby is first born and I want them to share in our celebration.

I'm on the above boat-- I am NOT an introverted person. Life is a party! I love and feel close to my extended family and even my in-laws. I can hardly wait for them to come over and join in our joy! Of course we will need just family time too, and I will protect my newborn from too much handling and confusion, but I would feel isolated and punished if I couldn't have my loved ones around me at such a special time.

[boscopup]

I agree with ChristieB that it depends on if this is your first or not. For my first, I would not have wanted anyone staying with me, but I did want someone to drop by and bring meals (ladies from church did that for about 3 weeks). DH was there for a week, IIRC, and was able to handle basic housework (most of it can WAIT anyway). Now I wasn't recovering from childbirth with mine, since he was 4 weeks old when he came home, but I still wasn't in a position to do housework and cooking and such while learning how to take care of this new little life. BUT... on the other hand, I liked having visitors early on and then being left alone after 2-3 weeks so I could get into a routine with the housework, cooking, etc. At that point, I was just itching to get started with my life and not lay around getting waited on. :)

For this one, my mom will probably stop by and help out with DS #1 in the early days, and that will be helpful, I'm sure. My parents live 45 minutes away, and my mom is truly helpful - she comes over and watches DS when I'm sick, and she'll do things like clean out my microwave which hasn't been cleaned in months. :o

I still wouldn't want family members staying WITH me though. When the inlaws come visit, it will be a day trip, or they can stay in a hotel or with my parents. I do NOT want anyone staying in the house. They can come help during part of the day and go home at night. For one thing, nighttime is SO HARD at first (or at least it was for me and the friends I've talked to), and I would just feel intimidated if I had another family member in the house while dealing with that. It's something I need to work through myself (well, with DH, of course) - getting used to the feeding/diapering routine and all that, and I wouldn't want interference, no matter how well meaning.

And luckily, my MIL is the type that would actually do housework while visiting. Definitely make sure any visitors are ones that will bring food or do housework. That's their payment for seeing the baby. :wink

[frenchie]

I call it "baby mooning"...we did it for the first week. I didn't feel like I needed any extra special help, especially with my husband around. It was the weeks after that I could've used the help...when my DH went back to work. With this pregnancy, he's going to take 6 weeks off with the family medical leave act. I think I might go stir crazy with him home that long:lol

[miranda]

I really enjoyed the article and I hope to do some lying-in, in some capacity. That being said, I must admit, the part that most appeals to me about it, is not having visitors. I run my house, and I'm a bit of a control freak on that front. I think I would have to have specific orders to keep me in/on/around bed for that length of time. I think I will work on crafting my own version of lying-in that goes with my personality.

[mary3mama]

I haven't read the article yet...gotta go get the new issue.

I think we'll do a version of this when this baby arrives. Not maybe as much 'lying-in' as hibernating. With a 7 and 3 year old running around, and a newborn, I don't suspect I'll spend full days in bed with the baby. But, we do intend to keep visits to a strict minimum. DH will be able to be with us for 2-3 weeks after the birth, too. Although he's not a great cook, he'll be able to cope well enough to keep us all alive for a while. And he'll be more than willing to run interference with the big kids and/or care for the baby while I do what I need to do.

I'm pretty glad to be having a winter baby this time around. Weather alone might keep some of the grandparents away, since they all have to drive an hour or more to come see us!

[shanesmama]

I did not have my mom or grandmother come and stay w/ me for my first child. But I was very confident and ready to be a family. But I did have help. Brians grandmother is our next door neighbor, his mother lives about 8 miles down the road, my family lives 25 mins away. So everybody was right there for us, calling us and making sure we were okay. And brian took 2 weeks off. I wasn't comfortable w/ people staying in my house, but I don't think I could have done it without some visits and phone calls.

Now I am pregnant w/ my second baby, and I have really been thinking about having my grandmother stay w/ me for a week or so once Brian has to go back after his 2 weeks.

[Tiffany_in_ga]

Oh I SO want to do this. But unfortunately, I can't. I have a 13 y.o. DD who lives out of state, with my mother. I REALLY want my DD to be there and bond with us. But, that means my mother has to come down as well...and my Grama is coming too. My boyfriend and I live in a one bedroom apartment! So I get to come home from the birth center to a 1BR with three extra people in it. UGH....plus, I'm sure boyfriend's parents will be over too. So, five extra people, just hours after birth. NOT looking forward to this, but honestly don't know how to avoid it without excluding my first DD....

[ColoradoKat]

We will.. my mw want's me in bed with only trips to the bathroom for the first week. Friends are bringing meals and I will have some meals frozen. My husband is taking the first week off, and I think we may hire a post partum doula for a few days. My in-laws are coming the next week and they are so helpful. I am really looking forward to spending that week or 2 with my new family in bed just loving on eachother. Yeah!

[sophiamama]

We did something like this when dd was born. We allowed visitors at the hospital (it was SO much easier to get rid of them that way!), but once we got home it was pretty much us. Dh stayed home for a little over a week and he did everything and it was just the three of us. His housekeeping isn't the best, but I enjoyed the time for just us to learn to be parents and we ate a lot of take-out and friends brought us meals.

The second week my mother came and took over. She helped clean the house, do laundry, cook, etc. It was awesome! She took care of me, helped with the baby (but didn't take over) and kept people from bugging me.

We plan to do something like this this time. My parents are coming to watch dd while we have the baby and are at the hospital and then they will go home and my mom will come back the second week once dh has to go back to work. It worked really well for us!

[Cloth4Colin]

Oh I would LOVE to do this!! What do you do about psycho ILs, though? I mean mine are literally beating down my door to get at "their" baby. ARGH!! I have major issues with my ILs...can you tell?

I'm hoping to set some pretty stiff boundries with my DH before the baby arrives.

[dakotamidnight]

I will be as much as possible {single & living with parents}, but will likely have to go to a class here & there fairly soon after baby comes.

So I'm taking a twist on it - and will be taking the baby with me in a sling everywhere for the first 3 weeks or so. That way babe & I can bond, but can still get things done.

[Velvet005]

Hello everyone!
I just got my newest issue of mothering and they have an article about "lying in" or staying home-just parents and baby-so that you can bond as a family without the distractions of extended family and friends. Are you doing this or not? I had planned on having my mother come and stay with us for a week or two after our daughter is born but now I am wondering if that is a good idea . Maybe is should just be dh, dd, and me for the first week or so and then my mom could come and help out when dh goes back to work. But can first time parents handle it on their own at first? What do you think? Second time moms-any words of wisdom?
Thanks!
Rachel

I didn't read the article but I wanted to say that, I personally wanted to be left alone for the first week. I didn't have my mother or MIL come help (which really was more of them wanting to hold the baby more than anything) after the baby was born. Did I NEED help? Sure but I had a rare circumstance. I had Parsonage- Turner syndrome and my right arm went paralyzed for about 6 months. I was in extreme pain from it. However, I still wanted to be alone with my new family before the extended family and friends became involved. I am considered weird though - at least around here. I just felt like I needed that time to adjust to being a new mother and I didn't want my baby being handed around being so fresh and new.

[pinuchkin]

Not a CHANCE. That said, I'm really emotionally close to my mom, and NOT physically near any extended relatives, and we don't have a real presence in the town where we live, so don't expect drop-in visitors. With DD, my mom was here for 10 days, and she was AMAZING. All the cooking, all the cleaning, all the laundry, everything brought to me, baby burped while I was caring for myself, breastfeeding support from a BTDT, I got to take showers knowing DD was in loving arms, she helped us with the first bath ... We then had a 10 day period by ourselves without visitors, then had 10 days with my dad & stepmom (also fantastic!), another 10 day break, then a 1-week stay from DH's parents (also fantastic!). In general, I think because we're very strong minded in our parenting choices, and because we have a great immediate family who understood that WE were the new parents & didn't whine about us not letting them hold the baby enough, AND because we don't have a lot of drop-in relatives or acquaintances, it worked great for us.

[Ahappymel]

I also want to add that although I like to have others around to celebrate our joy with, I also have a strong family/friend support network who I can nurse in front in and stay in bed and not worry about cleaning the house, etc.
So this definitely factors into my willingness/love to share our "babymoon" with others.
If it were a new mom or someone without the same kind of support network, I can see why she'd want some time with just baby/family.

[zjande]

I can't imagine not having help! I'd be terrified if no one was planning on staying with us after a birth!!:lol

If we had no helpers around, DP would have been sooo busy with bringing me food & drinks, doing laundry, shopping for food & caring for the pets, filling my hot water bottle for those mighty afterpains constantly, driving our older kids around to their classes & activities, answering the constant phone calls & delivered gifts at the door, taking pictures, making the bed, holding the baby while I showered, etc.-- that I would have barely seen him & he would have barely been able to lie in bed & cuddle & nap with our new baby. Thankfully I've always had lots of visitors. This last time my mil stayed with us for the 1st week & she did *everything*. She brought me snacks in bed, cleaned the house, bought cat food, entertained the older kids, took pictures, etc! :blah I was soooo grateful because I was able to just relax & think about nothing but my overwhelming love & happines & stare at my new baby with DP. :love

Anyway. That's my 2 pennies. :p

[darsmama]

No Thanks.
My family is what helps me keep my sanity PP. I need them to take care of the older child so I can rest a little and bond with the younger. And if this one is colicky...I'll need all the help I can get!

[BrookeAD]

I didn't have a lot of help last time, and my dh went straight back to work. I am planning on him taking a week off for the four of us to stay at home alone together and get used to everything. It was so annoying to me last time with all the phone calls and unexpected visitors. I will welcome them to come to the hospital to visit, but I want a more private birth and resting time.

[Herausgeber]

I feel like this would trigger serious depression in me, honestly. I'm just too social.