feeling stupid

[ediesmom]

Zoe Dagmar Bucknell would turn 10 years old on
February 17. She actually died on February 15th, but the birth was long (and hard).

I thought that this would pass as the years went on. It still hurts so much. I notice myself slowly start noticing little ones who are the age she would be, and thinking about who she would be, what would her personality be, would she look like me? It is like a volcano rising to the top. Every year aroung her birthday I get so sad, and miss her so much..... I never saw her breathe. or cry.

She had dark wavy hair like her father. Thats all I can remember. After being inside me for two days after she died I couldn't tell her coloring. And I thought the whole time I was pregnant how badly I wanted her baby smell. Those soft little mewling , nuzzly noizes they make.

I will never forget how horrible it was laboring and birthing a baby that I knew was dead. That every contraction just brought her further away from me. That when I pushed, I was separating us forever.

I tried to make memories with her for the short time I could be with her. I held her and sang to her. I washed her and dressed her. I talked to her.

I have a sonogram video of her. I cant watch it... I don't think.

The morning of the 15th I woke up, sat straight up in bed and cried out" i'm dead". I went and got my stethescope and searched for her heartbeat. Then I wiggled my belly trying to wake her up. It was still too early to go to the doctors, but I knew she was gone, anyway.

Anyway, I have been trying to get this out for days. I just needed to make her real today.

randee

[parisfrance]

You shouldn't feel stupid, I think you sound perfectly normal. I'm the one that feels stupid, because after reading your post, I feel so sad for you and your loss, and I have nothing to say to help/comfort you. I have never been in your shoes, and in all honesty, hope I never understand your pain that intimitly, but such as I can I feel sad for your loss. This is starting to sound lame to me, but I pray that God will send you some little things in the coming days to help you greive (is it ever finished? I don't think so) and also to smile and think of the good things in your life as well.

Text is difficult for reaching out, but (((((ediesmom))))))

Michelle

[ekblad9]

I don't know what to say. I can not even begin to imagine how you must feel. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please feel free to unload at anytime. I wish I could be there to hug you and to try as hard as I could to take some of the pain away.

Bless you,
Amy

[Irishmommy]

(((((Randee))))))))

[ediesmom]

It is so strange that sometimes you need to let someone tell you its okay to be sad. Need validation for your pain.

I could not cry.

Thank you for your kind words, hugs and support. I was finally able to get some of this out.

Every year I try to honor her in some way. I think that I wouldn't be the mother I am today without having had her, and losing her.

I think I may bury Edies placenta on Zoe's grave. Give her what she needed during her pregnancy. A healthy, life giving placenta.

I was diagnosed with Graves disease soon after she was born. She died of a thyroid storm.She had it on valentines night. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had gone to the hospital when she had it. I thought she was just moving like crazy.

In my heart I know nothing can change the past, but I was horribly symptomatic, and my MD didn't pick up on it. It was a senseless waste.

My body fought her off like an infection.

Rambling again.

Thanks again,

randee

[ekblad9]

I would also like to do something to honor your daughter. As February 17 is a day that I attend church I will say a special prayer for her and offer a flower to our church's statue of Mary. I don't know if you're religious and I hope my offering isn't insulting to you. If it is, please let me know.

Blessings,
Amy

[Jacque Savageau]

Oh Randee, My heart is breaking into a million pieces. The way you lost Zoe is almost identical to how I lost my Amanda on December 14, 1993. My husband and I both tossed and turned that evening, then I dreamed that I was in a maternity store and they women told me I couldn't buy anything because I was not pregnant. then I was running and chaising someone. I awoke out of breath and dh said - she's gone, isn't she.

Wow, I havn't thought about thoes details in a very long time. Thank you for sharing your thoughts hear. It's such a profound loss, one that only a mother could comprehend. Please feel free to email or pm me if you want to talk more.

We have a pregnancy and infant loss forum and there have been a lot of gentle, loving discussions about the loss of child by stillbirth, miscarriage and neo-natal death. I'm going to move this over there so that more people can see and respond to it. I hope you don't mind, the thread will remain hear so that others can link to it and it won't get 'lost'.

Did you notice we both have the same quote in our signature? I'm thinking of you and will light a candle for Zoe on the 17th.

[azmountainmama]

i wish i could reply with more but my heart is so full of sorrow for your pain. just please know that your gentle soul as well as your baby's will be cradled in my compassion and empathy.

wishing you peace.

[NaturalJoy]

Oh, I just ache for your pain. It must be unreal. I cannot imagine not thinking of it 10 years from now. Can't imagine not wondering what my little one would look like at that age and beyond. You really don't need our permission to grieve, but do it. Grieve and remember always, how could it be any other way. It was your baby.

I also found out my baby was gone in a dream. I started bleeding yesterday morning and we went to have an u/s that showed everything so far so good. No hearbeat, but the doctor said it may be too early.

I came home and laid down. I never fell totally asleep, just dozed. Right before I woke, a baby with angel wings came into my head and I knew. I was silently screaming in my sleep, I knew that was my baby and it had wings. I couldn't tell if it was a boy or girl, but I was BEGGING it with all of my being not to go. Telling it how much I wanted to be its mommy. It just smiled, said, it was going to be with God, and flew away. That was it. I woke up, told my dh it was over and went to the bathroom to find all sorts of tissue passing and the bleeding very heavy.

It's so amazing what our dreams can tell us if we listen.

[ediesmom]

Joy, Azmountainmomma, Jacque, Amy, Irishmommy, and Michelle.

I and so incredibly grateful to not be going through this birthday time alone. For years now I have considred this to be my 'dark time' of the year... kind of throwing it off on SAD , but I know its really her and her absence that sends me into a blue mood.

My family barely recognized my pregnancy, her death and birth, and thought I was CRAZY to have a funeral for her. The support around here was always waning, but as the years went on it has evaporated in to nothing.

I am so glad that I took the leap and posted about her, and me, and this birthday time. I feel like I have the strength to honor her the way a mother would honor a child who has been gone for ten years. You have given me that strength and I thank you.

To you who have lost small people, I thank you for letting me know, and sharing in my pain. For those of you who haven't I am amazed at your empathy.

Michelle, I am so sorry about your recent loss. The shock, I think, is the hardest part to go through. That dream state that you just can't wake up from. I believe that all our children become precious beings in Heaven.

Much love to you all

Randee

[copslass]

(((((ediesmom)))))
June, 1994, my best friend went into labor. Randy was stillborn, put on machines for a day.
I felt so guilty, I was to be her labor support, but turned the phone off that eve as I was newly single w/ 4 kids and working 3 jobs, exhausted.
Last year I found a beautiful poem framed at a Catholic bookstore. Don't remember your religion, forgive me, but it was about a child in heaven.
I sent it to my friend, after "warning" her that she should open it when ready.
It was very healing for her.
I wish the same for you.
Love,
Tracy

[abimommy]

(((((RANDEE))))))

My SILs situation was similar to yours she too lost her baby two days before she was born. I guess maybe it gave a couple of days to morn and grieve before giving birth...to morn and grieve again...

I cannot imagne the pain you must have went through....just know we are thinking of you and praying for you....

Jessica

[moonglowmama]

Oh how I feel for your loss...

Something that my midwife said was that we never really stop grieving, the intervals become longer with time, but the intensity remains as if we are grieving for the first time all over again. But, the good news is that all your grief has a purpose. As you said, our losses shape who we are, what make us such caring people.

Also, another thing to know is that your baby was yours for a reason and just as her life was purposeful, so too was her death. And you were the BEST mother for your baby, and you will always be your baby's mother- forever.

So good that you have a memory to cling to in these hard days.

As I am awaiting a miscarriage, I have planned to bury my baby under the same pear tree that my son's placenta is buried. I think it will be fitting, almost like a big brother placenta, strong and healthy to help make up for whatever this baby lacks.


It is healing and good for us to grieve, and it is beautiful that you have done much to commemorate your baby's life and death.

-Sarah

[Jacque Savageau]

So many of you are going through a miscarriage right now. My heart aches for each of you. I thought of all of you today as I went about my life. The babies you desperately loved and wanted, and how difficult this time is for you.

Please know, others are thinking of you as you journey through this greif.

[SJane]

I feel for you... it doesn't seem to get easier at all.
peace-
Stephanie

[abimommy]

and don't ever feel stupid anyone who is human would mourn such a loss....

you lost a child....that will never change no matter how time passes...as if you had lost a parent that void would still exsist.

and knowing you to be a caring loving mother I would be shocked if you weren't feeling that way...

I have a shoulder free if you need it....{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}