bi mama roll call!

[amy mama]

It's been a while since we've done this, and we have lots of new members.



So I'll start. I am a proud bi mama!

[Sierra]

Bi here as well. I'm married to another woman.

Sierra

[tara]

Bi here, too. Though I prefer to just identify as 'queer'. I'm married to a transgendered man - he transitioned a few years into our relationship. We've been together for 9 years, married for 5 and we have one gorgeous toddler!

[Ravin]

I'm one too!

I'm married, and dh and I are poly. :hearts

[amy mama]

oh come on! When we did this a year ago or so, we had tons of replies. Where are all the bi mamas???

Come out come out, wherever you are....

[Elismama]

Hello

I'm bi, married to Michael for 5 years, with a sweet little 2.5 year old boy. I have recently started outing myself in my new small town community. Its kind of strange "coming out" all over again- I thought I was done with that a long time ago.

-jeanie

[AdinaL]

I'm bi....though not a mama yet. Married to dh for two years. Was actually looking for a woman to date when he found me....funny the way life works out sometimes!

[StarMama]

I'm Bi as well! And depending on how you look at it, will be a mommy in a few months, or am a mommy now (hey I'm still mothering this kiddo just a little... differently... as it grows! :D ) :love I've been married for a year and a half, and with my Dh for almost 4 years now total...

I'm not sure what to call us because we aren't quite poly (as in we don't actually have/are open to having full fledged romantic relationships with others... ok more like my Dh isn't... I'd LOVE to be part of a triad!!) but the term 'swinging' just doesn't explain us either (sounds too casual and party orintated to describe us)... We ah, are intimate with some very close, very loved friends... so whatever that is... :)

Ok sorry if that made totally no sence... I'm typing at 3:30am cuz I can't sleep and I'm stained from head to toe from tie dying oh 30+ diapers and assorted other goodies (yes, I have advice here, do NOT tie dye naked. bad bad idea... :LOL).

Glad to join the role call! :)

[Nicke]

I am bi too. DH and I are poly.

Lisa, I like the way you describe it :) "we are intimate with some very close, very loved friends".

[Ravin]

Sounds poly to me. I'm in a long-distance intimate friendship with a couple--over spring break we went on a road trip, me, them, their three kids and two dogs, lol. The intimate part never fully kicked in, because the one night we got 2 hotel rooms, I had a nasty cold I'd caught from their 2yo!

We might get into a triad or something sometime in the future, but with the baby on the way and other upheavals in our lives, we're pretty focused on just us for right now, but that doesn't make us mono, kwim?

[chiedza]

I am bi too, married 4.5 years, with DH for 9 years, and have a 9 mo old DS. I haven't been with a woman since before I met DH, not sure how I or he would feel about the poly thing.

[Ravin]

Being Bi and being Poly ARE two separate issues. So no worries.

[toby_adams]

I just got this list info emailed to me and signed up, and this is the first thing i see :)
I'm bi, engaged to my bi same sex partner, and mom to 2 year old. also poly, but that's another thing entirely.

[bunny's mama]

another "bi with a guy" here. been married to dh for going on 8 years (together for 12), but have also been intimate off and on with one very close friend (she's also bi and married to a guy, and a mama). she's prolly the only woman i'll ever be with again, and we'll prolly do it once every few years. it works out really nicely and both our dh's feel good about it (they are not interested in taking part in our action or having any of their own ouside of the marriages).

i love how different we all are and how diverse our situations. i was totally out at my last job, and try to be out to all my friends and just in general, but usually it doens't come up (folks tend to make a lot of assumptions when you're a mama with a wedding ring...)

nice to see y'all here...:D

[lotusdebi]

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[Kylix]

Not a mama yet, nor am I in any relationship at the present...but bisexual nonetheless...

I haven't come out to anyone yet..Don't think I ever will to some...Sad to say :rolleyes:

Kylix

[tara]

Originally posted by bunny's mama
i was totally out at my last job, and try to be out to all my friends and just in general, but usually it doens't come up (folks tend to make a lot of assumptions when you're a mama with a wedding ring...)

Aint that the truth? I feel invisible sometimes. It's a pain in the a$$ to come out as the bi partner of a trannie. Much easier to just say, "my partner... she" in conversation and out yourself as a lesbian (I'm not saying coming out as a lesbian is easy, but having done it for years, I prefer it to my current routine!). Everyone I am close to knows, but I have this circle of mama acquaintances (through play groups and whatnot) that don't know. I'm not ashamed and I don't hide it, but it's just not a simple thing to share...

[bunny's mama]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by tara
I'm married to a transgendered man - he transitioned a few years into our relationship.

tara, forgive my confusion, does this mean that your partner is now a man or a woman?

i am mostly not out to the other mamas in my playgorups, unless the topic comes up. the other day i was with one of them and her dd and we were talking about how we have acted silly in front of people we have had crushes on, and i was telling her about how i just used to lose any kind of intelligent conversation around this woman i used to work with. and she said "oh, are you bi or something?" and i said "yes" and she said, "don't worry, i won't tell anyone" and i said "oh, that's okay. you can tell whomever you want. i'm fine with everyoen knowing." and that was that. no biggee. so that's how folks generally find out, just thru casual conversation, and i guess, getting to know me better.

it is a constant thing with being bi, i think, that people make all kinds of assumptions about us being straight if we are partnered with a man, or being a lesbian if we are partnered with a woman. i fully acknowledge that those of us who are partnered with men carry a lot of privilege (perhaps part of the reason why many in the gay community reject us) because we can "hide" it if we need/want to, and they can't. but at the same time, it is very upsetting sometimes to really want to be a part of the GLB community and not feel welcomed and/or like i belong (i used to go to pride weekend in SF with my female friend {the one i mentioned in my earlier post} because both of us wanted so badly to have that feeling of being a part of the GLB community, even if it was just for a weekend, or even just for the parade.)

[tara]

Hey, bunny's mama. I am totally open to questions. Don't mind at all. Transgendered man means my partner is now male but started out in a female body.

And, I totally hear you on the privilege thing. And the wanting to belong in the queer community thing. I've been going to a queer family playgroup for a few weeks now and everyone there assumes my partner is female (as they should, I suppose) and every single time it comes up I have another exhausting coming out moment. Sometimes I wish I had a card I could flash. You know, my queer card, with all the punches on the back for every Pride march I've attended, every girlfriend I've had. Truth is, my relationship is 'queerer' than most! But, I also have lots of privilege since I pass everywhere I go. The first time my partner and I were affectionate in public after he transitioned and got sweet smiles from an elderly woman, it totally threw me. We were always affectionate, even as lesbians, and just got used to not getting approving smiles from most people. And here a little testosterone makes the difference? Outrageous. Wanna know something more outrageous? Now we are legally married. Same damn people. But now we can marry. Ugh.

Didn't plan on hopping on that soapbox.

[Kylix]

Originally posted by Tara
We were always affectionate, even as lesbians, and just got used to not getting approving smiles from most people. And here a little testosterone makes the difference? Outrageous. Wanna know something more outrageous? Now we are legally married. Same damn people. But now we can marry. Ugh.

:( :angry :rolleyes:
So many things I want to say but just can't put into words. People can be so ignorant and hypocritical.

[amy mama]

Welcome Toby Adams-I remember how pleased I was to find the queer parenting forum the first day I came here.

I'm bi with a guy too, and while I'd love to join a queer family group, I'm afraid that I wouldn't be really accepted, and that maybe my presence would really annoy people.

[Nicke]

I had the same though amy mama. I would love to go to a rally or group event, but I feel like I might be shunned because I am "only" bi and have a man in my life.

[alsoSarah]

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[Kylix]

alsoSarah--I LOVE your sig line...it motivated me to change mine to another fav Ani quote of mine :thumb

Kylix

[alsoSarah]

Thanks, Kylix!

It's always really cool to find another Ani listener out there...

Since we're veering just a bit OT-- is Kylix your name IRL? If not, may I ask where it's from? If so, how'd you get such luck in the name lottery?

peace,
alsoSarah

[Kylix]

Kylix is not my real name IRL...it's a type of classical ceramic cup, I believe...they're really gorgeous...you can do a search online and get picks of them...

I also chose this name because it's the name my sister said she'd name her son if she ever had a boy. It's pretty cool, eh?

I'm not comfy using my real name online just yet....

"Kylix" :love

[alsoSarah]

*

[LdyBluNH@aol]

i'm on the flip side of some of the folks here.. already a mom but not bi yet

it's my hope at some point to find (outside of a bar) an average-jo kinda person for those experiences

but i'm sure the h not going to ask at the local mother's group

"little dottie cut her tooth at nine months and by the way you're so cute are you bi?"


women have told me they can "just tell" who's bi -- is there some sort of membership tattoo or something? :D

[Kylix]

Aren't they though, Roxanne? ;)

As for the membership tattoo...I can't tell myself...

Kylix

[Nicke]

Terri,
I was "backwards" too. I was a mom before I was with another woman (physical and in a relationship). I knew I was attracted to women long before, but I did not get a chance to act on it until after I was a mamma.

[~Megan~]

I am not bi but I am a momma! Actually I was up with insomnia last night reading and came across this thread.

I have a question for you all if you don't mind to answer. Of course since there is a broad range of sexualities not all will apply to every person.

How did your dh feel about your sexuality? Did it take some time to get used to?
Is you dh bi too?

Is anyone in a poly relationship but your dh is not? How does he feel about that?

And Tara, I have a few for you too. I saw a special on transgendered people on Discovery. They chronicalled an older man who wanted to be a woman. He had been getting the hormone therapy and at the end got the surgery to fully change his sex. And a young man who wanted to be a woman who was taking the hormones but didn't have surgery yet. And they also touched on a woman who was taking testosterone.
So if you don't mind, my question: Did your dh have the surgery to change his genitals? And how does that work?

I know these questions are extremely personal, so I will understand if you don't answer them. But if you do, thank you for indulging me. :D

[StarMama]

Originally posted by amarasmom

How did your dh feel about your sexuality? Did it take some time to get used to?
Is you dh bi too?

Is anyone in a poly relationship but your dh is not? How does he feel about that?



I'll answer :) And hi Amarasmom! :D

My Dh knew about my choices before we dated. After getting out of a 4 year relationship with a man who thought woman-woman contact was wrong and sick, I was NOT going to date anyone who didn't support who I was (its not like I can change who I'm sexually attracted to, right?). I was actually sort of dating a woman when I met my Dh (we shared a bedroom, were intimate with each other, but we both also had boyfriends) so it was pretty obvious...

He had no problem with it. Of course he is also a man who really ah, enjoys, the idea of women interacting sexually with each other, so I'm sure that helped. But aside from how it affected him in a sexual way, he's very supportive and understanding. Like I said previously, I'm not 100% sure where we fit into things in the poly world, because we never have intimate contact with our beloved friends solo (that would be our #1 "rule" with each other)... but I have had encounters with women where Dh did not interact with either of us and he was ok with that (I'm sure in some part because he got to see the "action"), letting me enjoy that part of myself in a way we are both comfortable with (the being together part of the equation). He is totally comfortable letting me snuggle and be loving (non sexually as well as sexually) with my 'girlfriends' and doesn't take offence at any of it... so its not all a big "oooh get to watch naughty stuff" perk to him, he's accepting of all sides of how I interact with our special friends...

He himself is not bi at all. In fact, I would say he's utterly paranoid of a man trying to come onto him... so thats a little odd, but its ok... If he was bi though, I would be understanding and supportive of him as well.

The poly relationship I don't think I can really answer... since any of our other relationships aren't romantic relationships but rather close loved friends that we see *together*. So nope, I'm not in any relationship he isn't at least semi involved with (with the exception of a girlfriend in the past was at one point only sexually involved with me... but he was still present... since then my Dh and her have ah, become much closer :D ).

I hope this sounds at least halfway clear... since we don't neatly fit into poly it can be a little complicated to explain, but we're both very happy with how things work, and all of this really has helped strengthen our love, trust, and devotion with each other...

[tara]

Originally posted by amarasmom And Tara, I have a few for you too... So if you don't mind, my question: Did your dh have the surgery to change his genitals? And how does that work?

I know these questions are extremely personal, so I will understand if you don't answer them. But if you do, thank you for indulging me. :D

Hey, amarasmom! I am really open to questions about my interesting relationship. :D All kinds of questions. Unfortunately, you stumbled upon the one area I will not address, at least on a personal level. I figure that my partner's privates are his to talk about. I don't go there on his behalf. Don't feel bad about asking, though, it's cool.

But, speaking generally, there is a ton I can tell you about sex reassignment surgeries for FTM (female-to-male)transsexuals. This site (http://www.gayhealthchannel.com/transgender/surgery.shtml) has basic info about different surgeries. What I want to add is that the surgeries performed on MTF (male-to-female) transsexuals are far more successful. It's easier to remove something than to create something, kwim? And these surgeries are, of course, outrageously expensive and never covered by health insurance.

Also, this is a great site about Basic info about transgenderism (http://www.altsex.org/transgender/Nangeroni.html)

Let me know if I can address any other questions (maybe in a new thread? Don't want to hijack)...

[~Megan~]

Tara, after I reread my question I realized it looked like I was asking something I wasn't. I wasn't asking about the function of genitals...what I meant was how does the process work. And you gave me a link so that will clear it up, I'm sure. I just wanted to clear up my question so it didn't sound so rude!

[tara]

No problem! I really don't take offense to questions like that - I get them all the time. I just don't answer them! :D

[~Megan~]

I can't get the links to work for me. Maybe I'll just google it.

[tara]

Darn those links!! I think I fixed them... Try again! :)

[LdyBluNH@aol]

for those of you who have close friends that are also intimate with -- how did you transition from the really good friends to the "something more"

esp. in terms of the bi relationship -- seems to me if you come onto your good friend and she's not into that you can't rewind time to keep things ok with the friendship

[StarMama]

Originally posted by LdyBluNH@aol
for those of you who have close friends that are also intimate with -- how did you transition from the really good friends to the "something more"

esp. in terms of the bi relationship -- seems to me if you come onto your good friend and she's not into that you can't rewind time to keep things ok with the friendship

Ah well, we've met a few of our friends online, (me and/or my Dh in the beginning occasionally had an ad up at craigslist) so it was pretty easy to be upfront in that situation, since when we first met we weren't close, so therefore it wasn't going to be that painful if they freaked out. Also, meeting a women who is in a MFF triad gives you a hint that she's not gonna freak out, at least on the bi issue ;) Course that also leaves you with building an entire relationship from scratch, but it has worked out for us. :D

Otherwise, well my friends know I'm bi... a few of them have taken the initative to approach me about it... In fact I've been intimate with two of my best friends from high school... one I had a relationship with twice, and the other I think was interested because she felt left out... :confused: So they approached me. And they can always find a way of doing it that makes things a little easier... I get a question like "Ah, so, if I was ah, interested in women, would ah, you think I was, ah, cute?" all blushy and shy... Its cute! So if I said I wasn't interested they could say it was all rhethorical <sp?>

[Elismama]

Hi again,

I have been following this thread with interest and just now have a moment to respond. I especially enjoyed reading about other people's approach/issues with coming out as a mama. I struggle with this all of the time- I'm not hiding anything, but sometimes it feels so awkward outing myself.

I had someone tell me recently that, as a woman married to a man, I'm "not actually bi anymore".

I used to get this from my community of friends when Mike and I first got together. It made me so sad, I mourned the loss of that community so much.

How did your dh feel about your sexuality? Did it take some time to get used to?

I had recently broken up with a girlfriend when Mike and I got together. So he definitely knew, and he knew my ex-girlfriend. And while he is pretty squarely on the heterosexual end of the spectrum, he is completely comfortable with who I am. When we started seeing each other we agreed to an open relationship- but what we agreed to in theory just wouldn't work for us in practice. So we are a monogamous couple, and I am happy with that. [a tangent- ever read Pat Parker's poem "non-monogamy is a pain in the butt?" its very funny]

"little dottie cut her tooth at nine months and by the way you're so cute are you bi?"

Too funny! LadyBlue- I wish you well on your journey. My gaydar (as we used to say) doesn't go off much now that I live in VT, but maybe I'm just out of practice....

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be out as bi for my child. I've never been afraid of outing myself because if a friend/acquaintance can't deal with it, I don't really want them in my life. But Eli gets me into all sorts of relationships that I haven't really chosen for myself- other mom's at playgroups, parents of kids his age- that sort of thing. And he starts preschool in the fall and I know I'll be meeting new folks. Anyone else thinking about this? How are you planning on dealing with these kinds of issues? Are you out to your kids friends or their parents? Do you worry about your kid being harassed because of your sexuality? These things are just beginning to float around in my head.

Thanks,
Jeanie


Kylix and alsoSarah- I just saw Ani a month or so ago- I'd sort of stopped listening to her for a few years, it was great to see her again. and it was great to be surrounded by a bunch of cool women! Kylix, I used to consider that song in your signature my own personal motto:love.

[CeraMae]

.

[CeraMae]

oops

[CeraMae]

oops again!

[Indigo73]

Hi everyone. Hmm, labels - I guess I am another bi - poly mama. Bisexual doesn't quite cuts it with me but until sapiosexuality catches on... that is how I describe myself for now.

sapiosexuality - To become attracted to or sexually aroused by intelligence and its use.

In other words, I can care less about the plumbing the person is what is important.

[Nicke]

Originally posted by Indigo73
In other words, I can care less about the plumbing the person is what is important.

:clap Well said! I couldn’t agree more. :)

[Meiri]

I can care less about the plumbing the person is what is important.

I like that!!!:)


I've wondered about whether I may be or not for decades, but have not been in situations to explore the possibilities. I did enjoy my one time with another woman before I'd met DH, and he is quite open to the idea and participating or not as she and I would choose.

for those of you who have close friends that are also intimate with -- how did you transition from the really good friends to the "something more"

My best friend and I may be making this transition. For us it's been time and growing trust, even on things we do differently (like our parenting styles) we know there's more than one way to do most everything. It'll be interesting to see if and where this goes, but I've allowed as I'm open to whatever she's comfortable with. That we both have stable marriages I think helps. Neither of us is a threat to the other's husband.

[alsoSarah]

I can so relate, Indigo. I usually express it by saying that I'm attracted to a person, not a gender. That seems to be common to all of the bi women I've known so far... anyone here NOT feel this way? Just wondering how universal this is-- if it somehow lies at the heart of bisexuality, kwim?

[StarMama]

Yes I also agree, its the person not the parts... but also, for me, it seems like I am attracted to women and men a bit differently (at least in general)... I end up attracted to women I feel I can be friends with, ones who seem to be warm and cuddly... where as with men I tend to be attracted to the 'protective' type... (I think that has a lot to do with how I was raised, things were a bit messed up on some fronts there).

Also I might be physically interested in a man and find out his personality is blah/bad/not suited to me, but *physically* I can still be attracted to him... with a women I loose any and all intrest if her personality isn't a match/"good"/ect, AND have also had instances of not being attracted to a women until I really got to know her personality well.

So its a little funny for me... but I do agree its about who the person is, not their equipment...

[veganmamma]

Word up. :LOL

I identified as lesbian for years and have been in a relationship with dp (male) for over 4 years now! We are monogamous. :D

Lauren

[frogertgrl]

I have a question for you all and hope that is alright.

Do you ever think that self Iding as bi is like saying you're a mama who respirates? Meaning, everyone is bi on some level, they just don't self Id as such?

I've always thought we all are bi...but certainly have every option to choose sexual experiences in whatever way we want. Be attracted to women but choose het sex experiences, or view women/women porn but express sexuality in a hetero relationship...the endless options out there (thankfully).

[veganmamma]

I have often thought the same thing, but I don't think that anyone who doesn't ID as bi thinks that way, kwim?
L

[frogertgrl]

Yes, that makes sense.

Of course, coming out as bi (for example) has social, political, personal, economic, religious, etc. implications that saying, "I'm a mama who breathes' doesn't. And I know for me at least, saying 'I'm bi' whether or not I express any bisexuality openly, has ALOT to do with overcoming my religious upbringing and various ick gender, sexual stereotypes I've learned growing up.

Sometimes, though, when a friend does come out as bi, I think, 'of course you are!' I hope that doesn't sound harsh. I don't mean that I know what people's sexuality is...just that, imo, we have a long history as bisexual beings in the human race.

And every intelligent writer and thinker I've ever read was openly bi! :D It's a wonderful group to self ID with.

[veganmamma]

The first openly bi person I ever loved was Ani...

*sigh* :LOL and I don't even mean like *that*

[CeraMae]

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[Arduinna]

I'm officially coming out. I've always been attracted to both, although I've only been in relationships with men. My attempts at exploring my attraction for women hasn't been successful in the past. Partly because I wasn't really up front with myself about it. I tried to sneak it in through 3 somes which ended up being with women not interested. Now I'm married. Before we got married I told dh that I fantasized about women, but never got to the point of really being clear about it. Anyway, recently I've been coming to terms with it. Learning to understand who I am. Dh has been extremely supportive, I can't believe how lucky I am. I was worried that he would feel threatened by this, but he isn't. It is so nice to finally be able to talk about, as I've stuffed it and ignored it for many years. Still kinda overwhelming though.

[Nicke]

Arduinna. . . Good for you for coming out. :) I know it can be hard to first admit to yourself what you really feel, nevermind to those around you. It's great that you have a husband who understands and supports you. Having support from the one you love will only make it easier for you should you decide to out yourself later on (to friends and family).

[Angiemama]

I hardly coem here anymore cuz I'm so buys, but I wanted to add that I am bi with a guy. It's been a lil rough b/c I'm missing women (and I don't even ahve much "experience", but I prefer women for the most part) I have also been meeting more gay/ bi moms lately (which is not very common in VT!) and they are all attractive, YIKES.. I am not into the open relationship thing andi am very much in love wiht SO, but it is hard sometimes.. BUt, I am very thankful to be meeting more Bi/queer mamas :)

[tara]

Way to go, Arduinna! Hip, hip hooray! :thumb Just live with it for a while and it will get less overwhelming. I promise!

Glad to see you here. Glad your Dh is being supportive. :)

[Arduinna]

Thanks Nicke and Tara :D

[Arduinna]

sorry to go :OT two questions:

1 how do I deal with people that don't know what to say when they find out? I know it's about them and not me.

2 dang, are my friends going to all think I'm interested in them now?

ok, one more question

anyone have any site or book recommendations for me. I am not looking for personal ads. I'd really love something that has a focus on married bi females.

feel free to pm it too me, if you don't want to post it.

thanks you guys.
:hippie

[Nicke]

I never share my personal info with just anyone, so I assume you mean when you are telling friends. When I told my friends they were all pretty cool with it. One friend said it was easier to accept me being bi than me CDing. :LOL I have never had a weird/negative reaction. But I guess if they freak and reject you for this one thing, they were never really a true friend to begin with. KWIM? Wish I had more to offer on that one.

For online meeting groups (not hook ups) I searched and searched and searched through Yahoo for a group. I have just recently found one that is not all about hooking up. It is a group in NH that is for bi woman (single, married -most of the group is-, whatever) to hang out and chat. I have been talking through the e-group with the ladies (first in person meeting is next friday) and it is nice to have someone who is like you and just understands. Ya know? :)

[Arduinna]

it is nice to have someone who is like you and just understands. Ya know?

Exactly!!! I've been checking around but mostly what I have found is people looking to hook up. that is not where I am right now. I'm just trying to sort it all out. LOL. And most of the sites don't have much for commited married bisexuals. :rolleyes:

regarding friends: LOL easier to accept than cloth diapering now that is funny. :D

[CeraMae]

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[seedgirl]

Ok, my header sounded dumb. : )

Im married to a woman but occasionally need to hook up with a man, just for fun. We have always in our 8 plus years had an open relationship.

I dont identify as "bi", I usually joke that Im part gay. I dunno, it just sounds lighter to me.

My wife passes a lot, just until people get about 2 feet away and realize that we really ARE this dyke couple with three kids. Its so interesting, and infuriating, to be out with a man and some number of my kids and get so much love from people that treat my wife and I with such snootiness and ignorance. Sigh... even here in he Bay Area...

[Arduinna]

thanks ceramae :-)

And Welcome to MDC seedgirl!!

[Kylix]

I felt "allsexual" because for me it was the person I was attracted to and not their image.

Okay, for some reason, this brought tears to my eyes. Maybe because for me it is so true. I have had a hard time (and still do) iding myself. I feel like a phony saying I'm bisexual and I feel like a phony saying I'm hetero. I'm confused as to what to call myself but I know how I feel. It's funny how words can get in the way of true meaning.

I also found it interesting that many here say that they think that everyone is bi on some level. I've always felt that way but I never have expressed that especially to my outspoken "hetero" friends as in those that say (I LOVE men! or I am NOT gay!!)

I've always been attracted to both the female form and the male physique. The attraction is very different though. It sends a different kind of surge throughout my body but both are sexual. I've never had the chance to speak to anyone about my sexuality. It's hard to explain to those who refuse to recognize it.

Congrats to you Arduinna for coming out!! And it's wonderful that your dh is being so supportive!! :thumb

Kylix

[alsoSarah]

edited, as it contained geographical info.... unwise to post.

[Arduinna]

Thanks Kylix and Sarah!!

yes, the piercing is healing great!!

anyone else notice once you open the door whoa, all of a sudden a flood of feelings come out. It's been a pretty intense time here.
But I'm feeling and doing good. Even if I do tend feel nuts with the wild back and forth emotions. As a result I haven't been posting much on the boards.

[BrooklynDoula]

Hey, another "bi with guy" and I am SO happy to find you all! I am a university instructor and a scholar and my work is with queer theory and transgender activism. When I got pregnant a colleague who did not know that I identify as bi asked me how all the queer people I work with feel about having a "breeder" around. I am very bummed. Having a baby seemed to signal something very straight about my relationship that I am not totally comfortable with.

So, I am very happy to have found other bi mommas!

:love

[tara]

Hey, megan! Welcome! I can really relate to what you write - I am kind of femmey and have often passed as a straight woman until I open my mouth. But having a baby just makes me feel invisible everywhere, especially since my partner is male. The straight folks think I'm the hippest straight chick around and the queer folks either think I'm an ally or an interloper. Luckily, I have lots of queer friends for me to feel queer with!

ps: I'm digging your area of study - what kind of work do you do around trannie activism (my partner is FTM)?

[Indigo73]

I totally agree, since having my ds, I feel like I can fade into the background too. But I am forturnate to have other queer mommas as friends to keep me from feeling totally detatched from the local queer community. Not to mention this board, LOL.

[birthinglau]

yay for this thread!

I am realizing as I read y'alls posts that I think about my sexuality alot, and am actually finding myself in a very questioning place about it.

I am bi (no questions there) and have been in a mono relationship w/ my dh for 2 years now. we had a baby together 2 1/2 mo. ago.

when we started seeing one another, I wanted to keep it open, and though he said he did, he really was much more conflicted about it. long painful story short, he "cheated" with another woman (who interestingly enough was gay, and had no other male experiences) about 2 mo. into the relationship. I say cheated b/c he got together with her during a conflict we were having when we were not speaking for a few days, and then lied about the extent of the interaction to me later which I abosolutely felt was NOT ok, and definitely not open.

we reconciled and with much therapy I healed enough to trust him again.

he is also bi, and we have at various times discussed opening the relationship up again. though I trust him in our mono relationship, I can't help feeling unsure how we would safely navigate another person (take them to therapy with us, to make sure communication is clear??) and now there is our baby to consider. we are interested in both women and men.

how do you other mamas navigate exploring their bisexuality while in a relationship and/or while mama-ing?

ok, am sorry if I've hijaked the thread.... there is more to my story, but I think I will stop there.

-Lau

[Indigo73]

Lau - if you wanna chatter let me know. I am a poly queer momma with a hubby (he's bi too) and gf. I am more than happy to share what I have observed and dealt with in my life.

[alsoSarah]

Birthinglau, I can really relate to those issues, too© I would also be interested in hearing/talking about the things you brought up© If hijacking is the worry, maybe we could use a thread separate from the basic 'roll call', rather than going off-board? Just a thought©©©
alsoSarah

[Nicke]

I can relate as well. Maybe a new thread is in order?

[Arduinna]

I'd be interested in talking about this more too. In another thread if that is appropriate.

[Indigo73]

What shall we call the thread?

[Arduinna]

that was my problem, I would have started one, but couldn't think of a title. LOLOLOL

[birthinglau]

indigo, alsosarah, nicke, arduinna, and anymama else...

ok, this is not the most bestest thread name, but it covers everything:

mamas exploring bisexuality while in relationship(s)

our new thread, so we don't have to keep hijacking this one. ;)

I would link to it, but I don't know how, and am feeling too lazy to figure out.

thanks for the support, looking forward to continuing the discussion in there.

-Lau

[Nicke]

Thanks Lau :)
The thread is here (http://mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?s=&threadid=64551).

[Raven]

I am bi and married to my dh who is totally understanding. I choose not to persue my "other" side while married b/c it would just cause complications for me emotionally. Luckily I havent felt desparate to do so. I have spoken to dh about the possibilty of things happening and he is pretty open-minded about it.

[robynberkley]

Arduinna...congrats on coming out. I'm struggling with all the emotions myself. Admitted to myself a year or so ago I'm bi, then came out to my husband 6 months ago. I love my life and my husband and I am trying to be honest with folks about who I am but I feel like I'm doing this bass ackwards...getting married, having kids THEN realizing I'm attracted to women, too! THe last year has been a jumble of emotions...sometimes bordering on being a pubescent teenager but I'm understanding ME much more now. And I have to honestly say, my therapist is a big help!

As for books...I've read Married WOmen Who Love WOmen and Lesbian Epiphanies and found both kind of depressing because they involved stories of women who came out in mid-life who usually ended up leaving their husbands. Not an option I wanted. BUt I recently picked up Bi Any Other Name...edited by Lorraine Hutchins and someone else I can't remember...and it was way more enlightening and fulfilling to read than the other two books...it was more about me and how I defined myself.

I don't get to MDC very often but anyone should feel free to PM me to chat!

[CerridwenLorelei]

I was going to explore with a friend in hs ..but her little brother woke up and killed it
this post is the first time I have gone any public of any kind so I guess I have officially outed myself..
dh knew I had "leanings" when he married me.
We just recently learned about polyamoury
However I doubt I will find anothe woman willing to have a middle age often ill cranky woman in a triad or quad...

In the meantime I just shake nervously when I imagine what might happen if it ever did happen kwim??
and I live vicariously through this board

[Nicke]

Congratulations on your "outing" CerridwenLorelei! :)

I think we all are a little nervous at the thought of being with our first woman, or being in out first triad/quad or whatever the case may be. It is different. Not an every day thing, kwim? But I must admit it is exciting! :D

[CerridwenLorelei]

thanks
I was very scared to do this but did it

Exciting ? Maybe more if I thought there would ever really be a chance lol

[Duce62]

hello,

i am new here.

i am bisexual, going through a divorce from my dh.
i think that the human body is beautiful , why limit yourself when you feel otherwise kwim?

[Iona]

I've had two experiences with a woman and have since considered myself bi not only b/c of the experiences but b/c since I've been attracted to women. I have not came out to my family but my fiance is well aware. My experiences were with a woman he and I both knew only months before he and I got together. He is straight but is completely open to my bisexulity. Yet sometimes I think thats only b/c he hopes to have a threesome someday.

[HappyHippieMommy]

Hi all.

I am a new member here, but I am a proud BI mommy.
I 'lean' more towards women, but am married to a man. lol:D
well..just wanted to say "HI"

[Nicke]

Hi Jenn :)

Thanks for sharing with us and welcome to the boards!

[HappyHippieMommy]

Originally posted by Nicke
Hi Jenn :)

Thanks for sharing with us and welcome to the boards!

Thanks so much. :love

[Duce62]

wow! another jen, LOL

nice to "meet you!"

[mamamarieke]

Hi all. I was invited to come hang out here where all the action is, but I'm not bi! Is that okay? I'm a new dyke mama to a beautiful 16 day old boy.

[LunaMom]

Another bi mama here. Didn't truly "come out" to myself or to dh until a year and a half ago, but I was long aware that i was attracted to women, often more so than men, for a long time.

To answer some of Arduinna's questions, even though she didn't start the thread...yeah, the whole process is really overwhelming. I wish I knew that before it happened...I would have kept a lot of those feelings within the confines of my therapist's office and out of my conversations with dh if I knew they would all change drastically as time went by. I kind of made his life into a hellish roller coaster for about a year.

None of my friends seemed at all upset by it. Some of them didn't seem at all surprised, which was interesting. A couple gave me a really squeaky "WHAT???" shriek, not in a horrified way, just a surprised way, and it was sort of fun to cause that kind of reaction. Nobody seemed worried that i was going to come on to them, though. And honestly, I think I subconsciously avoid friendships with women I find attractive. Not that my friends are ugly - just not my type! :p The only person who might have been made uneasy by it was someone I became friends with BECAUSE I had a crush on her, and she's straight...she may have figured it out.

I guess I'm not fully out because many of my relatives don't know (I'm estranged from my mother, though, and my father is not living, so that solves that hurdle), and my inlaws seem to have forgotten, if that's possible. :confused: Well, they just sort of pretend it isn't there - I guess it isn't their issue, anyway...but a few weeks ago, my FIL made a "fairy" joke and I just LOOKED at him. :rolleyes:

I don't bring it up with people I meet unless it comes up, and then I'll just be casual about it. It usually comes up in the context of past relationships or attractive celebrities or something like that.

[darkpear]

Wow, am I glad I found this thread :love

I've been attracted to both genders for as long as I can recall. I've never had a serious relationship with a woman though; I just tend to relate better to guys. Perhaps it's because I've always been a tomboy. I never had any interest in dolls but would build huge elaborate Lego space stations, when I wasn't climbing trees, or playing video games, or reading SF. I don't shave my legs and I wear men's clothes a lot - they're comfy, last longer, and the sizing is much more consistent :p In spite of all that, I'm finding myself very happy in the role of a full-time mommy.

DP is bi also, which is nice because he doesn't have the same assumptions that a lot of straight guys seem to. Some of them honestly seem to think that dating a bi girl = automatic threesomes for them :rolleyes:

We do run into a lot of silly assumptions still though. I'll tell people (when they ask - I don't bring it up myself, but I don't hide my sexuality either) that I am a bi woman involved with a bi guy, and they'll tell me "Oh, so you're both straight now." Umm, no...

[Nicke]

Hi LunaMom and darkpear :wave

Welcome to the thread! :)

[Mama Katrina]

Hi! I am "in the closet" bi :) I just rather not have another issue that brings heated arguments to family outside the family that lives in this house. I've never met a woman that I could be with yet, but dh is open for me to seach for one ;) So I guess in a way we are also sort of poly (still new to that term).

[Indigo73]

"Oh, so you're both straight now." Umm, no...

Don't you just love that. LOL - I have had that said to me too.

[alsoSarah]

Hey,

Somehow I stopped getting notified of new posts to threads, so I've missed a lot of posts here...

Hey to all you mamas-- wondering how you're doing.

I'm glad to see so many new mamas joining us here on the thread.
Welcome!

peace,
alsoSarah

[grrrlmom]

:rainbow Lesbian mama here.
(With the exception of my ex :fairy {my sons sperm donor} who just dressed like a girl and acted like a girl.) So I guess I was temporarily bi for the two years that I was with him? Though I've never really been attracted to guys at all. :dust

[sadie_sabot]

Hi, another bi with a guy here. I love love love my dp but am more and more finding the idea of hooking up with other men kind of...ewww. (we're also poly) i think that future relationships will likely be with women.

But sheesh, who has time???? I barely have time to do much with dp!

maybe when dd gets older...maybe I'll meet a nice bi momma at some play group or something:p

[veggiewolf]

Bi with a guy here as well - married to DH for three years come December 16th, and mother of a 10 YO DS. DH knew when we met (I'd just ended an LTR with a woman), and it's never affected him a scrap...except for once or twice before we were married...;)

I could see us ending up in a triad in a few years, but we're not actively looking.

[hobbitsmama]

yay .. me too, me too! i know this thread is very old but i am so glad that i stumbled upon it. i am a bi mama, married to a bi dada. i used to get frustrated by the assumptions that people made after we were married (4 years ago next week!), but since we had a kiddo people seem convinced that we must be straighter than straight NOW. ugh. i am not really attracted to men, but fell in love with my dh because of the person he is. my family seems to be relieved that i am with a man and act like that dating women "phase" that i went through is over. an essential piece of my self is being denied. in addition, all of my gay friends live far away from me now and i find it hard to feel like i can ingratiate myself on a gay community here. (esp. since i may find it too tempting to be around beautiful women)
.. so how do i raise my daughter to have an open mind about sexuality when all i can offer her are my own unabashed feelings and experiences and the infrequent visits of out friends? any thoughts?

[mehndi mama]

Holy long post!:eek :eek :eek

Bi poly here, but currently involved with 2 guys & no women. I'm not looking, either......but we all know how life happens.

Oh, I'm a former Fundamentalist Christian, too - now self-professed unchurched kitchen-witch:p

[sapphomom]

I'm a bi mommy, married to a hetero man, who isn't comfortable with my bi orientation...so I am not in a relationship, but still identify as such. *hugs* I'm so happy to see this thread though! I can identify with a lot of the feelings mentioned.:hippie

[LunaMom]

Sapphomom (love your username), I'm in a similar situation (I did post elsewhere on this thread, but have no idea which page!). I know how hard it is, and if you ever want to chat, here I am...feel free to pm me anytime. :)

Oh, and welcome! :w

[Konur's Mom]

Bi with a guy here, too. I am involved withj 2 guys right now and no women. :( One is dh and one is a long time friend who I have known for 17 years. I have had a gf in the past but nothing currently. I prefer friends with benefits to a committed relationship right now. I have to be intimate friends with someone first. I am as out asw I can be, not something easily slid into a conversation! :) If the topic of so and so is sexy comes up, I will mention women, also. If people don't really know me, how can they really like me?

[robynberkley]

My dh is comfortable with my bi-orientation, but not comfortable with bringing a third party into our relationship. I'm not sure I'd be comfortable either frankly...it is hard to love and be involved with more than one person. But in trade off, there is a part of me that is denied and it can be difficult some days...ah well. But I can relate Hobbitsmama. I will respond to your question about teaching your daughter when I have more time!!! I have a 6 1/2 year old as well and the question comes up regularly about loving men vs. loving women...honesty helps...talking about commitment helps and what it means to be true to what you value. But really...I'll get back to ya tomorrow!

Welcome all!

[IslandMamma]

Wow, I am so grateful I decided to come and check out this forum!!

I have identified as bi for 12 years now. I'm married to a man (4 years) and have a 4 1/2 month old son. My husband is hetero, but has been accepting of my sexuality from the beginning.

I live on a very small island now, (same island as DH's parents) and am only out to a few folks here, although I'm sure it spread like wildfire and no one really says anything. My last female partner was before I became pregnant..

Being a new mother and finding space for my sexuality is a challenge! I find that most of my friends in the queer community have written me off as a "breeder', now that I have a baby. My baby is such a joy, he is the air I breathe, but I'm *still* the same woman underneath the nursing bra and spit-up, KWIM?

Anyhoo, I'm just so glad this thread and forum are here... I love MDC, and really need to branch out beyond my rabid hyena instincts over on the diapering forum. :)

[robynberkley]

Hobbitsmama...I can relate to much of what you wrote...especially about hanging around other women with whom I am attracted...ugh...I have a dear friend now...out lesbian...whom I'm attracted to but neither of us will cross the line because I am married. Thankfully she lives in Ohio and I live in NYS because it makes the situation exponentially easier to deal with. But as an academic, I go to conferences regularly and there is a small but growing contingency of out faculty members in my area of study. Being at the last meeting where we had several social events and sessions set up sent me into fits...it is where I met my friend and the temptation was huge. Thankfully, however, we were both able to engage in blunt honesty with each other...that we were fond of each other and probably would be in each other's arms now except for my wedding ring but that we would remain friends and only friends unless my situation changed. Our friendship has truly blossomed and I feel really blessed to have her in my life...but there are days when the longings push my buttons...

Originally posted by hobbitsmama
.. so how do i raise my daughter to have an open mind about sexuality when all i can offer her are my own unabashed feelings and experiences and the infrequent visits of out friends? any thoughts?

The funny thing I have encounted has to do with my, and my daughter's, love for k.d. lang's music...been a fan for years long before I ID'd as bi. My daughter innocently asked me...how come kd lang and Tony Bennett don't want to get married or love each other...very cute question. So I told her that some women love women and some women love men...and some women love both men and woman and could "marry" either (she gets the concept of marry although she isn't aware of the social implications of what marrying means!) I tell her all that matters is that you find someone who you love and want to spend your life with...it doesn't matter whether they are a man or a woman. I told her that I loved her father but that I could've loved and married a woman too...it didn't matter to me because I loved a person. I think if we continue with that message to our children...male or female...the coming out process and recognition of same sex attraction will be much easier and much more recognizable than it was for me. In retrospect, I knew at 13 that I was attracted to women...but it took me until I was 38 to actually deal with it...sad...and I know that so much of it is because of the lack of good role models and lack of open discussion that it would be OK to be attracted to women. If you leave it open to your daughter that whatever she feels is good and healthy, that message will come across.

We don't have a lot of contact with out folks...male or female...a few male friends yes, and I know a lot of bi mamas in real life but it isn't a topic of discussion when we get together because we are all "bi with a guy". Most of my contacts with out lesbians ended when I left Madison WI...not intentionally...just haven't met too many since I started juggling 2 kids, job, etc!!! I thinking getting books for your daughter to read about 2 moms or 2 dads is helpful and being honest and open about your own feelings is great too...what more can we do...???!!! :)

[kate42]

I think I'm bi.

I've never said that before.

I'm married to a man, have never been with a woman but certainly wouldn't mind.

I'm attracted to people, not genders.

Oh my goodness.

[robynberkley]

Welcome welcome welcome Kate! Congrats on being able to say that for the first time. I admitted it here for the first time myself...it felt very safe.

I live in upstate NY too...feel free to PM (private message) me if you want to chat some time!

[MaShroom]

:wave here, present, accounted for

i don't usually come to this forum bc it brings up stuff for me that i do a pretty good job of squelching most of the time.

but i just don't care anymore. i'm just going to be who i am regardless of the consequences. at this point the consequences seem easier than living a lie.

[LunaMom]

Welcome, Kate, and don't freak out...

Being bi, and even admitting it out loud, does not have to be incongruent with marriage.

I went through hell in my marriage after coming out to my husband because I was not able to see that. I handled it very, very poorly and put both of us through a lot more than was necessary. We're still in the process of making repairs almost two years later.

I never labelled myself as bi because all I had (or at least allowed myself to recognize) were sexual fantasies involving women, and I attributed that to being sexually uninhibited and to the culture's oversexualization of women and their bodies (think about it - huge billboards for Victoria's Secret that ask, "What is sexy?" and show pictures of women...you get what I mean...I figure being bombarded with that stuff on a regular basis must have SOME effect!). I even slept with a female friend and still resisted the label.

It wasn't until I began exploring my feelings out loud (in therapy), and allowing myself to have them, that my true self "came out" and I began feeling attractions to real women. I probably would have been feeling those things all along if I had let myself (and if I hadn't been instinctively avoiding friendships with attractive women!).

It's good to have friends to talk to, ones who get where you're coming from. PM me anytime!

Luna

[robynberkley]

Hey mamathistle...I hear you loud and clear!!! I avoided it for a long time because I wasn't ready to deal either. But I agree it is MUCH better than living a lie...I feel like a whole person now because I am understanding and embracing me!

Are you out to yourself only at this point (and us!!) or do significant others in your life know too? It is rough going there as many of us have attested too but living a lie sucks...pure and simple.

Send me a private message if you like...I'm happy to be here and listen or just offer a shoulder to lean on!!!

Robyn

[MaShroom]

thanks robyn. yeah, i think that denying that part of myself has contributed to some really unhealthy bottling up of emotions over the last few years. i have missed my "whole person".

i am out with most of the important people in my life. my best friend was my biggest support. her sister is a lesbian, i think she always wished that we would hook up. my friend died in an accident last winter. so the person that i always felt the most comfortable talking to about it is gone. i miss her so much. but my sister is, as always, there for me.

really my biggest hurdle is my dh. what the "d" stands for varies from day to day. before we got married he always said that he was ok with gay people and assumed (what i thought) was a very accepting attitude. ok, well, we have been married for 5 and a half years now and he is the worst bigoted, homophobe i have ever met. not only do i not get that but it makes me feel like my head is going to explode. :splat needless to say, there are certain things that we agree not to discuss. which really leaves not too much to our relationship. i stay bc i can be home with our kids.

it makes me so angry for so many reasons. first, i feel like it is a personal attack when he goes off on his weird little tangents about homosexuality. and second, i was raised around gay people. gay is normal to me. like having blue eyes or brown hair. it wouldn't occur to me to bash someone or think differently of them for it. i *really* don't get it. it makes me very upset that when he starts in about how being gay/les/bi is *wrong* (what???!!!!) he is talking about people who i know and love and ME for crying out loud. my blood boils just thinking about it.

i was very open with him and he knew this long before we married. i have told him about every relationship i had with other women. he even knew about a guy i dumped for asking "so how many fags are going to be at our wedding?":jaw that was a very shortlived relationship. the irony is that i have great taste in and luck with women but end up with the most abysmally stupid men. what is that all about???

sometimes i get sad, wistful and lonely and read les romance stories on the net. it makes me feel like i'm missing out on so much. um, like romance for one.:rolleyes: i wonder what he would say if he knew. i think that he thinks i'm over it and that he is fulfilling every need that i have. yeah, whatever.

so thats my story. i should have posted this on the other thread but too late, it is already here. :)

[robynberkley]

OH MY!!! If he is that homophobic obviously that is an unhealthy situation. It is one thing to willingly be in a hetero relationship while bi or les with someone who is comfortable with your identity even if you have alternative desires, but it is excruciating to be with someone who appears to loathe the essence of who you are. Frankly, that is unacceptable in my book and if my husband had reacted that way, I would've easily walked a while ago. I'm assuming you have kids or want them at least otherwise you wouldn't be here so that is a VERY unhealthy place for your kids to be too. I'm not saying he's a bad parent but that sort of view is not one you want to pass on to your kids particularly since you ID as bi yourself.

When you are ready, you need to tell him where the line in the sand is drawn for you...if you are unhappy and unfulfilled and offended by his fundamental beliefs this is a recipe for disaster. Get some counseling QUICK and get to a safe space for your mental health benefit. Marriages shouldn't be based on loathing the other person!! :grouphug

Take care of yourself...take strength in your ability to do what is right...and know we are here for you!!! If you need to unload, feel free to PM me and I'll give you my email!

Robyn

[Arduinna]

Mamathistle,

oh man, I'm not sure how you are able to deal with your dh. What a difficult situation.

When you said this "it makes me very upset that when he starts in about how being gay/les/bi is *wrong* (what???!!!!) he is talking about people who i know and love and ME for crying out loud." I couldn't help but nod in agreement. I'm completely baffled by people that believe that their hate of who people are is acceptable (fill in the blank as to why that is).

I hope that you can find some peace soon.