I lost my baby.

[NaturalJoy]

Hi everyone. I'm Joy. Yesterday and still today, I'm losing a wonderful baby and pregnancy that we loved and wanted so much. It hurts, like hell. I was about 6.5 weeks pg and began bleeding yesterday. An u/s revealed the baby still okay, and the bleeding light. By afternoon, I knew it was over with the bleeding getting heavier and heavier and tissue passing. I saved most of the tissue, and i even think I may have found the sweet little embryo. We had a burial tonight for it. I'm so glad our baby is buried in the backyard so that I can continue to talk with him and sit with him whenever I need to. My doctor also had a picture of the baby from yesterday's u/s and she said she would scan it and print a larger copy on some photo paper for me. She's really been so kind to me and so respectful of my grief.

I just don't know what to expect in terms of grief and healing. I'm having a rough time talking with anyone, mostly people just want to know how I am physically, what the doctor said, etc. I guess that's easier to hear about than my uncontrollable sorrow. Sometimes during the day, I actually begin to feel okay, and then I'll just fall to pieces. I'm still bleeding and that's just an awful reminder of my loss. I'm trying not to drink so I won't have to go the bathroom and see it. I know that must sound crazy.

I have a 21 month old son. It took us 4 long years to conceive him. This baby took 10 months. I have all sorts of fertility problems. I thought my sadness and rage over that was enough dues to pay toward motherhood, but I was wrong. I was somehow slated for m/c too. It seems so unfair. So terribly unfair.

Thanks for listening. I've enjoyed reading your posts and taken comfort in them.

[glh]

I am so sorry for your loss. Give yourself time to grieve and don't let anyone tell you when you "should" be feeling better.

[Moukii]

I'm not sure what to say other than I'm thinking of you. And am sorry things like this happen in life. :(

[Née Née]

I am so so sorry for your loss and what you must be going through. I have never experienced the loss of a baby, but have experienced infertility, and for you to experience both must just compound your grief. Maybe have a look at some of the sites out there dedicated to pregnancy loss, "empty arms, empty heart",is one. I wish I knew some more actual web addresses , maybe creating an online memorium would also help with your grief. I think it is so wonderful that you buried your little baby in your back yard, I hope there are many more babies in your future!!

Huge hug
(((((((Renee))))))))

[Chelsea]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I know how difficult it is. When I miscarried in December, my friend lent me a book "Our Stories of Miscarriage, Healing with Words" Edited by Rachel Faldet and Karen Fitton. I spent a week reading it, and it really helped. Of course, I cried everytime I picked it up. It has been almost 2 months now and I still don't feel back to normal. I still think of my baby almost daily. I still cry over my loss. I still feel like my head is on another planet. And I still feel empty inside.

Take care of yourself. Give yourself time to heal.

Sending peaceful thoughts your way...

- Chelsea

[Jacque Savageau]

Joy, I'm so very sorry about your loss. I can feel how deeply you loved this baby. Take comfort in knowing your baby felt it too.

Life can be so unfair at times. So many of us ache for a child for years and suffer horrible losses, while others get pregnant and don't even try? I'm sorry, I wish I had an answer for you on why.

I'm so glad that you came hear and shared with us. I'm sending you healing vibes as you journey down many paths of grief.

I can certainly understand your comment about water. I remember the day after I lost my daughter I went to get breakfast, then thought "why bother, nothing to nourish". However, I'm concerned because right now you must keep hydrated. It will actually help the miscarriage along and it will help you heal physically. You need to care for yourself.

Please come hear often and feel free to share and cry. Your feelings are very valid and you deserve the right to greive.

Gentleness and peace.

[larsy]

delete.