Moms of more than two- how to cope? Scared and overwhelmed

[Mindy70]

Hi everyone,

I am new here and expecting a baby May 30th. Honestly, it was very unplanned; I have a 4 yr old dd and a 15 mth old ds and I thought I was *done* and was looking forward to the baby becoming more independent so things will get easier. Well, now with this new blessing I am really worried how I will cope, emotionally and physically with a third child. I am excited about this new life, yet feel so overwhelmed by the thought of the every day stuff with bedtime, outings, meals, shopping. I am afraid that with a two year old and a newborn I will never see a moment to myself during the day. What makes things really rough is that my DH and I are having major issues and he is on all kinds of meds for depression and mood stablizers, because he is often very angry, agitated or depressed. As far as childcare goes, he just can't or won't, and getting him to pitch even minimally with dressing,bedtimes or baths or anything, really, just causes more conflict than it is worth.

Anyhow, sorry for the sad introduction. Moms of more, how do you cope? Do you get help in the house or what? Really need support here :(

[basset]

Hi Mindy....

I am in the same boat. I have no help as it is now with 3 dd's. They run me ragged. I homeschool the oldest and unschool the 2 younger dd's. Between housework, dh and all the responsibilities of being a mom I can never get a break. :dizzy: :dizzy: :dizzy: After this baby arrives I am going to hire a housekeeper. Though I can see myself cleaning before she even arrives due to my dd's trail of messes :bag: One piece of advice that I have always heard but had a hard time excepting it is don't fret over the little things i.e., housechores, dinner... Anyways, I am gonna sit here to see what everyone else says. I can use any bit of helpful advice and encouragement right now!
:lurk:

[basset]

BTW, last sunday my dh watched me and never offered to help lug in $250 of groceries. When I asked him to help he ignored me and continued to work on his car!!!! OOooooooo! It gets even better, he asked me if I had cleaned the pool and when I said no, he said that if I wanted to keep up with the laziness that I should just go have an abortion!!!!!:irked: To top that off, I just weaned off of prozac for anxiety and depression!!!!:gloomy: Anyways hope things get better for us. If you ever need to rant I am here! PM me! Sorry to share such info about my life's problems.....but who else will listen to me. Ya'll are the best:thumb

[StacieM]

It if makes you feel any better, I have 4 and thought I was *done* - I was quite overwhelmed at first too. Nothing at all in our lives is ready for another child because it wasn't in the plan.

I do know that when I had my 3rd child, it was a very big adjustment. Housework didn't get done like before and my three girls just drove me up the wall. Soooo, I know that's not encouraging, but I want you to know that if you feel that way, you're not alone and it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you.

I'm sorry about your DH - I hope things can get better between you two because a supportive spouse is such a big help. Maybe you need to help him before he can help you. I know it must be tough, but maybe give that a try, if you two can pull through and be each others biggest support, things will be much easier to handle.

[KittyMommy]

I'm in the same boat...feeling a little bit scared and overwhelmed. This will be #3 and, come June DS will be 4.5 and DD will be 2.5.

Right now both are still in diapers and both are still nursing, so the prospect of adding an infant is daunting. And if I had a newborn now, it would be insane, but I'm hoping that things will be looking better eight months from now. :dizzy:

Jen

[KnitKix]

Making the adjustment from two to three was big for us too. The only advice I can give you is to wait until after the kids are in bed for the night,around 8pm. Then clean,throw in laundry,and vaccum. It's really the only time I can get anything done.Sometimes I wake up in the morning and the first thing I do is throw in a load of laundry.Dust,make phone calls while they are taking naps.
Making a schedule and sticking to it has been a Godsend.They know what I expect from them,and vice versa.It works for me,but may not work for everyone.

Good Luck :)

[boheime]

I'm there with you. Ds will be 4.75 and dd will be 2.75. I still often wear both of them at once. One sleeps on either side of me. Dd still nurses. I know I couldn't handle a newborn right now....but I hope I am up to having three when the next one makes an arrival.

[Mindy70]

Hugs to all of you who responded

Wow, I see I am not the only one. I feel lucky to have others with similar issues, at least we can support each other. Just tonight when I was making dinner and ds was crying for attention, and dd was bouncing off the walls, I imagined a baby as well crying for something, and I was feeling so unready for another one. :dizzy:

I have a hard time living in a messy, cluttered house. People say let go, but when I see that toys are all over, towels on the floor, laundry needs doing, kitchen looks shabby, dd peed on the bathroom floor again.....I jsut start feeling so anxious and depressed. Maybe I will have to find someone to come in once a week and deep clean so I can feel sane.

Thanks all for responding, it means a lot to me. :innocent

[willoLevin]

I know I've mentioned elsewhere on the boards that I'm a spectacularly bad housewife. I'm not filthy, but I'm very, VERY messy. I don't like living in it. I think it is a really irritating reaction to growing up with an OCD Mom who kept our house immaculate at all times.

But my point is, HIRE SOMEONE TO CLEAN FOR YOU. If you can give up something else to afford it, do it.

I drive a 12 year old Ford in large part so I can keep having my BELOVED cleaning lady come every two weeks. Just when I feel like I'm so far behind the curve I will have to move out of my house due to the clutter, she comes and "saves me" from myself again. :)

The trick is finding someone who will do the things you really want done. A cleaning service didn't help me, because they don't "pick up" (clutter), they just clean around objects.

This lady was a friend of a friend who was a new immigrant, desperate to earn some money, when I first met her. I was working full time back then (single, in an apartment), and it was my big treat to myself. When I got married and moved to the suburbs, I "lost" her because she didn't drive. Plus, I thought I would be a decent housewife. Ha ha! MANY BLESSINGS ON MY HUSBAND, because, after my son was born, and I'd tried two local cleaning people and hated what they did, and I was miserably sitting in any room of the house trying to relax and nurse DS but unable to relax looking at the mess, he was able to find her again, and she had learned to drive in the meantime so she could get to my new house. God bless her! (To finish her immigrant success story for those who enjoy Lifetime movies, she has recently finished school here to become a teacher's aide. I think she just still works for me because she loves me--and my DS--like we love her.)

So my point is, hiring someone to help out can be a mental health cure as well as a cure for the mess. :)

--willo

[Brisen]

I found going from none to one, and from one to two, both were harder than going from two to three. But, my hubby had learned to be more helpful by the time #3 was born, and was able to take time off work (he was in school when the first two were born). From your post, it sounds like the problems with your dh are more of an issue. Have you tried out the Parents as Partners forum?

:hug

[CMcC]

:hug I've been there with unplanned #3. I also thought I was finished when I had 2..... Honestly, going from 2 to 3 kids was the easiest for me. It's getting use to sibling rivalary that about did me in. :wink As for getting help around the house, that bites. I'm pretty much in the same boat. I've learned to let my standards down a bit. Vacuuming everyday is necessary (Unless you have a rug bug baby) :wink Dishes and laundry can wait a bit.... It's okay, you don't have to be super mom who has the house perfectly clean. You only owe your kids unconditional love, happiness, play time, happy parents.... And as far as your hubby, it must be really difficult for him. Try remembering why you both fell in love. Try encouraging words, doing something a bit extra special for him once in awhile. My hubby gets very grumpy if I don't pay enough attention to him, or if he's stressed about money. Sometimes it's good to sit down and just say "Honey, how are you?" Sometimes we as parents forget we are also married and loose a bit of that connection to one another. I know all to well the conflict of needing help, but when asking for it, it just starts an arguement... I think a little encouragement goes a long way. Hope this helps. Good luck to ya.

[osburnsa]

It's so normal to fret over these things, but I have found that eventually it all works itself out. You will find a system that works for you. You may find, over time, that the messes that used to really irk you become less irksome. I think that we, as mothers, constantly reprioritize our lives, and that's healthy. I remember when I was single, I was always worried about my appearance. Then when I became a mom I always worried about how others saw me as a mom. Then as each child has been born I have come to worry more about how my kids see me, not strangers. It's all a reprioritization. The same will happen for you as you adapt to having your 3rd. Try to relax and enjoy your pregnancy, and the time you have left with only 2. Life's about changes. We just have to adapt.