How to handle sick dh

[Threefold]

Okay, dads, I am having some issues with my dh here and the way he handles his own minor illnesses (cold, flu, etc). First off, he seems to get just about everything that our 2 year old son does, and that means he's been sick approx. once a month so far this year. When he gets sick, he checks out completely as parent and (sorry I can't think of a postive way to phrase this) and is generally pathetic. This last time he was actually crawling around the house and sleeping wherever he felt like it (the landing of the stairs, the middle of the living room floor). On top of that, this last time ds was very ill as well and actually had a febrile seizure which resulted in an ER trip. And I was doing it all alone. Now, I am pretty stoic about being sick and I tend to complain a little but carry on despite things. So, this world stopping thing is hard for me to handle. Not only that, but, no work = no pay for dh, soand we really are not in a position for him to regularly take a week off because he feels crappy.
Most importantly, I think his behavior while ill really makes ds insecure. Someone whom he counts on is suddenly not dependable.
I've tried bringing this up gently to dh, and the result has not been pretty. He's currently going on a week of sulking and generally avoiding me. When asked he says he mad at me bacause I wasn't sympathetic while he was ill.
IMO dh has some pretty deep issues and I think his behavior when he is ill may stem from them, but can any one think of somethings I could do to improve this situtaion b/c my attempts at simply keeping him healthy have really failed!
If you're actually still reading, thanks!

[XmasEve]

I have the same problem with my dh, but it sounds like your dh is, how to I put this, worse than mine. I wish I had advice for you. Here's a :hug instead.

[Threefold]

Thanks greenfaeriedog, I needed that. Its been hard to keep my chin up lately.
I love your name by the way.

[Trishy]

:hug my dh is this way too, with the exception of laying on the stairs. He just lays on the couch all day. He doesn't take time off of work though b/c we honestly can't afford it. I did do something to him at my FILs urging. It's not exactly nice though. I had a little notebook and for a month every time he would complain that he had step throat, a headache, appendicits, etc I would write what his ailment was and the date down. At the end of that month I gave him the notebook and told him that he needed to get some life insurance because he was going to die soon with all of his ailments. He was a little pissed about it but he did some complaining so much for about a week.

[papabliss]

Hi,

My guess is that one of two things is happening. First, maybe your dh knows of no other behavior to have when sick. Could he have been pampered so much as a youngster that he still acts the same way as when he was more free from responsibility? Or in fact, the opposite might also be true and if you do not support him in his illness, you are validating any ill feelings he holds towards himself.

The other possibility is that you are correct in that his illnesses and accompanying behaviors have their roots in his past. You say "IMO dh has some pretty deep issues and I think his behavior when he is ill may stem from them". I bet you are right. Unfortunately, if you only treat the symptoms (his surface behavior), the illness is not cured. If the seeds were planted long ago, then the roots are deep and will take much time and understanding to dig up. But they have to be dug up or they will just keep returning.

Something else to keep in mind is that your ds is learning from your dh. Keep an eye out for this interaction as well since you will most likely get caught in the middle when dh recognizes his own behaviors in ds.

Good luck and keep positive.

pb

[Threefold]

Originally posted by papabliss




Something else to keep in mind is that your ds is learning from your dh. Keep an eye out for this interaction as well since you will most likely get caught in the middle when dh recognizes his own behaviors in ds.



pb

This is exactly what worries me. Of course it's annoying to me to have dh behave this way, but beyond that it is so disfunctional that the whole family is negatively impacted. I feel pretty powerless. I can and will keep an eye out, but then what??
Sadly, so far, dh is unable to do the emotional work that might help him with this issue (and a few others). I gently try to help him there, but even that leaves him ignoring me and being sarcastic when he cannot avoid interacting with me. These last few weeks I've felt like mom to a sweet happy toddler and a sullen bitter teen (and it's not the first time I've felt this way). I know it's not personal, but I am so worried about ds learning these behaviors.
Thanks for your insights.
Thanks Trishack--we really can't afford it either. We aren't making ends meet as it is b/c dh generally has trouble earning steady money. But though it's probably related, that's an issue for another thread.:crap