AP Moms with workaholic dh's

[Drewsmom]

Hi, I was wondering if there were any other Moms out there who are in this position? Sometimes I wonder if I'm exaggerating but I don't think so. My dh lives for his work and has little to no interests outside of it including family (it feels like sometimes). He can be wonderful in so many ways so I don't mean this to be a dump on Dad session. When he's there he's great. I'm just wondering how other AP moms have dealt with this.

[seanjoshmom]

My DH wakes up at 5 am to go to the gym and heads straight to work from there. He comes home around 8pm, about 45min, before our DSs go to bed. He goes to work every Saturday too. He is on faculty at a medical center, and is already worried--like sleepless nights worried---about getting tenure--which doesn't even come up for 7 more years!!
He has always been like this, and it didn't bother me until we had kids--at first I felt like he was just avoiding me and DSs, especially since we would fight all the time--mostly about what he wans't doing--. I am less mad, probably have come to accept he won't change, but do wish he would be around more. I would be sad to think of him as one of those old men who regrets missing out on more time wiht his kids. I do get hopping mad though, when on top of his being away 15 hours a day anyway, he then goes out with the guys--he has season tickets for a number of sporting events, etc. He makes me even madder when he gripes about how he can't do anything he used to do. Yeah, ask me if I've had time to go to the gym, go to a basketball game, go out for drinks with friends, etc. he really does a great job with our DSs when he is home, and lets me sleep in on weekends, so I feel bad complaining, but still. . .

[Drewsmom]

Wow you're a Mom of twins nonetheless! Thanks so much for replying and giving your thoughts. I hate putting posts out there, esp. when they're so personal only to see how many people have read it and noone has replied, ya know? It's just good to be able to bounce some ideas off of someone in the same position.

I was reading in The Discipline Book yesterday by Dr. Sears the chapter on fathers. He was saying how for the first 3 kids they had he was so wrapped up in med school, etc. that he felt like he missed out on their early years. He finally convinced his wife to have baby #4 that he would be around and he was. He turned down the Chief Resident position (I can't remember in which particular field) to have more time with his kids. He felt like his career would probably stall out but it didn't and has continued to grow. Maybe it just takes some fathers that unfortunate time to realize what they're missing out on.

It's been really hard for me to balance my feelings of knowing that it's hard for them to have this heavy weight of providing for their family to wanting to not feel like a nag for reminding him all the time that he needs to be here for us.

Some of it I feel like comes from his mother. She's continually busy doing nothing really important. She feels this amazing need to be doing but can't slow down enough to see how damaging it can be to the people around her. She's so busy getting stuff done that she'll totally cut you off in the middle of a sentence like you had finished your thought and say, "OK alright then." and walk off. I know that she has good intentions but all of her children feel like they're being failures if they're not continually doing something. So I think this equates with feeling like playing with ds is not really important. I mean after all he doesn't have anything to "show" for it like he does at work. I really think that everything is so neat and tidy at work. There aren't 1/2 the emotions that he has to deal with at home.

That's good your dh helps out on the weekend so you can sleep in, my dh does the same. Btw his hours are about the same. Actually, I wish he'd go to the gym. He doesn't do anything outside of work besides watch sport center and occasionally help when I feel like I'm on the verge of divorce :).

[Bestbirths]

I would fit in here with this group also. My dh works from 7 till 7, then he comes home and works on his computer till midnight. He has training programs that he has to get done on Powerpoint. He works so hard to create the training programs, but then he hands it over to someone else to do the training class so that he can be at dd's soccer games on Saturdays. If we have something we would like him to attend, all we have to do is give him two weeks notice, and he will put it into his schedule. Since we homeschool, sometimes our children can stay up late to spend time with their Dad. Our 2 year old is still in the family bed, so they share a nightly wrestle tickle fest. Then, he takes each child and gives them a turn having special time. For weeks, the kids may be thinking about what they want to do for their "special time" with Daddy. I also take special time with each child individually, having a live in Grandma makes that possible. Most weekends are spent at home. He rarely has to work Saturday and Sunday. He Loves to cook. The kids and I are his "sou chefs", for these wonderful gourmet meals he plans almost every weekend. He includes everyone, like for example it is our 2 year old dd's job to peel the wrapper off of the boullion cubes, and 4 year old dd cuts mushrooms, the older ones actually cook with him. I try to make his time at home with this motto: clean house and happy kids, and to make our time together as stress free as possible so we can just relax and chill together. If there was a perfect balance between workaholic and excellent Husband/Father, my DH would get the award. I think he does an excellent job of balancing the two. Last weekend I was behind on housework and he even chipped in and did a MOUNTAIN of DISHES. I didn't even ask, he just saw that they weren't done and started working on them. He rarely complains, and he is just a very helpful, caring person. :love

[ekblad9]

I don't know that I would actually classify dh as a workaholic but he does work long hours. Less now that his overtime got cut for a while but still, he's gone alot. He lives for work and the gym. It took me a long time to let all that go. I'm sad that he misses out on stuff with the kids but he has to learn that for himself. I know my dad learned it the hard way because he is SO into my kids. I can tell he regrets not being there that much for us. He's at everything for my kids which is good because dh can't always be there. I am very grateful that I get so see all the smiles, hear all the laughter, and even wipe the tears. I just think it's different for men, KWIM? They feel all this pressure to "provide" and be successful. If only they knew their biggest success was at home. Thanks for starting this thread. :)

[IfMamaAintHappy]

count me in! With Grace, he left for work at 5, came home at 7, bed at 10 for first year. Second year was gone 3 weeks 5 days a week for 4 months, then home 3 months, then overseas 4 months! Now with second baby, he is working 50 hrs a week, taking a class (12 hrs read/prep/paper/taking class) and teaching sunday school (5 hrs a week prep), plus his new yardwork/garden hobby. Will write more later!

[reilly's momma]

dp works 2 jobs, 14 hrs a day lots of the time, works at least one job every day of the week. Even when he's home he's often too tired to do much of anything with us, but always finds the energy to hang out at the local bar with his buddies :rolleyes: Then comes home "exhausted" cuz when you drink when tired, it's a recipe for knockin ya out. Very frustrating, esp as ds & I are just getting over being sick & kinda needed extra support, which I didn't get, cuz he works so much.

Sorry to rant, I know he needs his time to hang out with his buddies & all, I just can't help feeling like I'm getting dumped on sometimes even if he doesn't mean too. Yes, he works some 14 hr days. He also gets uniterupted sleep, whereas I don't even remember what that is. He gets breaks at work, I'm lucky if I can sneak some food without ds hollering for attention or grabbing dishes & making a mess of my meal.

Apologizing again, still worn out from illness & grouchier than usual.

[Drewsmom]

I'm really glad for all the responses. I think it's just nice to know that some other Moms who like to AP (I like to think of myself as AP as much as I can even though I have much room for improvement) have dh's who aren't the 9-5pm kind of guys. Sometimes it's just nice to know that I can do it.

I feel really rejuvinated, we just spent a week vacationing in NC. This really helped things. It's nice to have a place where you feel like you can vent. I can empathize/sympathize reilly's mom, ekblad, and ging-ging. Except we haven't been apart that long ging-ging, that's got to be extremely difficult. I hope you have family close by.

I'm so glad for your post Bestbirths. It sounds like you're able to put together your dh's work schedule and your family life really well. This week was a good practice session for me to learn to direct my thoughts and comments toward being appreciative and supportive and not to criticize the way he parents. B/c I spend so much time with ds I can tend to be critical mentally and even verbally of what dh does when I know that he's just trying his best and I've realized that he takes a lot of his parenting lead from me (which is ironic since his Mom is a natural AP parent, I ask her for a lot of advice actually). I can say that when he is here and he's rested he does his best to help out and he adjusted to co-sleeping pretty well...he actually had to sleep on our futon one week when ds and I went to see family. Lately I've tried to adopt the attitude that some things, a lot of things I hadn't planned on, I just need to do and to stop mentally criticizing that he hasn't done in regards to our family. This has freed up a lot of resentment about his work hours and helped to include him more in our family and make things fun. It's a process that's for sure.

[reilly's momma]

Actually had it out with dp last nite bout a bunch of stuff, mostly related to him being very negative lately, but also about him spending time that he could be spending with us elsewhere a lot of the time & priorities in the wrong order, being a jerk when babe & I were sick, etc....

Anyway, it's pretty rare that I get more than irked/annoyed & am actually pissed off, or downright angry, which I was last nite. He listened to everything I said, I think he even agreed with all of it, not just most. I felt a lot better after clearly expressing myself (when I get really mad, I don't tend to yell & scream, I usually point out point-by-point each & every little & big thing that has lead to my being so angry) & he hasn't been such a grouch since. I think it's genuine, as opposed to him tiptoeing around me, but we'll see how it goes...

[Drewsmom]

reilly'smom, I didn't mean to leave you hanging like that. Sorry. How are things going? I hope things are going better with your dh. I highly recommend the vacation thing. It was so good to reconnect with dh. Of course we wouldn't have been able to do it (financially) if we hadn't been living with the in-laws for the past 2 months (we're moving out in 2 weeks:)). But it really helped us both to get out of the "rat race" of work and the daily routine and just get to know each other again and have fun. I hope you're doing Ok.

[reilly's momma]

drewsmom, sorry for not answering sooner, was sick again for a few days, with a bad fever. dp even called off work Sat, to be there to help with babe. Things have been so-so. He's less negative, but still not as supportive as I think he should be, & I'm very low maintenance 90% of the time, but it seems that the 10% that I really need extra support, he mostly disapoints. Like the latest bout of illness-I called him at work Friday nite to ask that he come directly home after work (he had told me he was planning to go out with coworkers to talk shop) because I was running a high fever. At the time I called him it was arould 101.5 or so & I was concerned that I might need help with the babe. He said he would come directly home. Ended up going to the bar with his coworkers anyway knowing I was home sick with high fever & no one else to help me or baby. As it turned out it didn't matter in this instance cuz, luckily, the babe slept well for awhile, as did I.

Sorry to vent, I'm just upset that this happens all the time, & yeah, he apologizes after the fact, but that wouldn't have helped if ds had decided to have one of his wide awake & hyper nites, which he has had many of lately. I just get to thinking about how would I have been able to cope with that with fever (which got up around 102) & headache & severe body aches, & then I get upset that he doesn't seem to care. Well, I should qualify that last statement, he seems to care, but his actions do not indicate this to be true. Don't know what I'm gonna do, cuz I feel like I've brought this up for discussion many times & it doesn't make any lasting difference. I think part of it is him going through depression, but there's no way he would even consider counseling if I brought it up, so I don't know what to do.

[LuvMy2Kidz]

My DH works away from home8-10 mos out of the year. He was recently in the Netherlands for 5 weeks, and it currently in Houston leaving for Argentina on Tuesday for 6 weeks. He has a week or two home here and there throughout the year. It's tough, but we've lived like this since marriage, so when the kids came along I guess I was just used to being on my own pretty much. We travel with him when he's in the states, we've been all over the country in the past 5 years, just recently in Barstow, CA, and Mobile, AL. He loves his works, but hates being away from his family. He's the best dad I've met(when he's home). He loves his kids more than life itself and talks to them on the phone daily. DS understands that daddy goes to work for a while, then somes home. DD is too little to really realize he's even gone lol. Both kids know who daddy is and run to him with open arms when we pick him up at the airport(ds thinks that's where he works lol) We do have extended family support though. My mother stays with us about 5 days out of the week, we even bought bunk beds so she'd have somewhere to sleep lol. And DH's brother takes DS occassionally for the weekend, he loves him to death, and makes a good substitute for dad once in a while. It's a hard life to live, there are days I"m pulling my hair out threatening to lock someone in the closet(joking of course), but I cope. DH missed the birth of our son, he was about 8 hours from home, on his way, just didn't make it in time :( He was home for dd, we had her at home, and I made him fly home 2 deys before her birth, I just KNEW I'd have her that weekend, and sure enough, I did.

[Drewsmom]

Reilly'smom, I can understand why you are frustrated. Even if your babe did go to sleep, your dp had said that he would be home and you told him that you needed him home. You sound like a very patient person and I'm sure that he must be a great guy since you choose him to be your partner. Something I know dh and I are going to do when we get settled into our new place is to do some counseling. Things are mostly fine with us but every once in a while we get way off base and things spiral downwards and end up in a blow out fight (not the yelling kind b/c he grew up where people stone wall each other but I'm beginning to think that the silence is worse and more destructive). Do you think your dh would do some counseling with you? Sometimes it may help to hear a third party say, hey this really is a problem when you don't listen to your wife's needs . I think things like "honey, pick up your socks and do the dishes" are super annoying and things that sometimes may just have to be accepted that your partner forgets to do but when your he ignores your needs to go drinking with his buddies that may indicate a bigger problem for him.

I hope I haven't offended you with what I said. I have no doubt that really most any problems are resolvable in a marriage or partnership and that most people throw in the towel way to easily in our day in age. I wish you the best of luck.

Luvmy2kidz- Wow, that' definitely gone a lot. What type of job does he have? I'm just curious. That's great that your mom helps, I think it would be near impossible with out some type of help even a little. I've been at my in-laws with dh visiting on the weekends (sat pm-Sun pm) and they both work during the day but even just every once in a while when I have my overwhelmed days just to have MIL put ds in the bath is a huge help. Do you ever have prob.s when dh comes home with coordinating schedules and just readapting to having him there? That's sometimes a prob. that we struggle with. i'm so used to having him not be there that it takes a lot of adjustment to do things the three of us.

[LuvMy2Kidz]

When he is home he's off work for a few weeks, so he's home 24/7. There really isn't any adapting. He takes over my roll as parent and I get a "vacation", except for nursing the baby. He does all the house work, childcare etc. And I get to go out with friends for an eve. or two if I want, or shopping alone etc. It's nice. He is a pipeline inspector, works for a huge international co. I've had people tell me I must be really strong to live like this, but it's the only "married" life we've known, so it's just normal to me. I don't think I could handle him having a 9-5 job and home in the evenings, I"d kill him lol We recently bought a house(well not recently, like 9 mos ago) and our new neighbors are awesome. She is a SAHM with a 4 y/o boy, and my son is never home anymore lol She's offered to watch the baby any time I need a break, just bring her over. So if I get one of those insane pulling my hair out days I can just take the baby over there for an hour or so, and nap or work off some steam. He'll be home in June for DS's 4th b-day, then off to god knows where, probably back to the Netherlands. It's nice having him home, but after 2-3 weeks of him here 24/7 I'm ready for him to leave again lol Not to say that I don't love him, but put ANY 2 people in a house 24/7 for 2-3 weeks and by the end of that time they'll be at each others throats lol

[JesseMomme]

Hi Mommas

You can count me in. Dh has always worked long hours and most of our marriage has had two jobs at the same time. Right now he is working (SUnday, Mother's Day, but "we need the money") We always need the money and live paycheck to paycheck, and I'm grateful that Dh has always been such a hard worker for us and I always tell him how much I appreciate it. I also feel bad for him too, most of the jobs he's had he was used and abused and tossed aside when they were done (or, when higher ups felt their positions were threatened so out he went) but still he plugged away, finding another job ASAP whenever he was laid off or forced to quit. Right now he is working for a bookstore (though at the moment he is delivering pizzas) and they love him there, every place they have put him he raised sales, and he's really happy there, (bonus that he loves books), and they are training him to mng and are hoping to get him full time hours and a raise here soon. Pardon the run-on sentence :LOL They're already talking about him getting his own store, so I guess that's a good sign. HE's already maxed out for pay at the pizza place, which isn't a living wage by itself, and tips seem to suck lately (Please, tip your pizza guy!!)

Anyways, his days these days usually run from 7:45am to anywhere from 12-3am, and rarely gets a day off. He did cut back at pizza to be able to devote more hours to the bookstore, and was getting sundays off, but for some reason he got scheduled today. He was supposed to have this Friday off, but was called on by evil, lying MIL at the last minute to drive 5 hours down (and then 5 hours back) to NYC to pick up his baby sister from college. I was furious, but its water over the dam now. She was supposed to do it, but her car was suddenly in the shop (yet her car was good enough for 2 daytrips last week to go be a groupie to her favorite band), dh even drove by the carshop to make sure it was the truth! But she lied about what time SIL had to be out of her dorm (or just didn't know what she was talking about), "7am" supposedly, when in fact it didnt' matter when SIL checked out, for the whole weekend. SIL even told her mom not to bother dh like 5 different times, and wasn't happy about it either, so I don't blame her. But as usual, dh is the only reliable one out of his sibs so he gets called upon for these things first. He got up for work at 7, and worked until 3am, and immediately left for NYC from there. I was afraid he'd fall asleep at the wheel and sure enough he to pull over at a rest area for a few hours after nearly doing so. To be fair, after sleeping for a few hours when he got home, Dh took me out to the movies Friday night, SIL stayed and watched the kids for us. It was our first night out together, with no kids, since before the baby was born. Actually, since last August. By the way, X-men was great!!

But I'm venting. For as compltely understanding and grateful I am for Dh, its taking a toll on me lately. I'm struggling still it seems to adjust to live with three boys, my oldest will be 4 in June. And I'm still trying to work through my third bout of PPD, all on my own. Feeling like a single parent most days, I'm all on my own from the minute dh leaves till the kids get to bed - the older two don't take naps anymore. Any of my supportive family has moved far away (my mom moved out of state while I was preg with ds3) and I don't know anyone in this town, after living here for a year and a half. I can't even get out of the house most days. Dh has the only car and I still dont' have my lisense (long story)Any other mom I may run into in the laundry room seems to want to shoot me a snooty look rather than strike up a friendly conversation.

Well I have no conclusion but I have spent three days trying to write this so I better close!! :LOL Take care mommas -oh and how I deal with...just sort of plow through the day out of sheer willpower. :rolleyes: :LOL

[Bestbirths]

:grouphug

[Drewsmom]

I'm sorry, I've been getting everything ready for our move and closing so I haven't logged on lately but you're AMAZING Jessemom! Where do you live? If you were close by I would love to be friends with you, maybe online will just have to do. When family isn't close by your friends/neighbors just have to fill in and it seems like more nad more people are in that situation. It sounds like you hold up amazingly well and are such a devoted mother.

Would it be a possibility for dh to go back to school on grants and loans even? I have several friends and family members who have as many kids as you do and their dh's are in school trying to finish up. At least that would really increase his earning power and he could be home more in the end. Have you considered it before? Even a trade school?

Definitely :hug to you!

[lucimomster]

DH leaves home no later than 6 a.m. MF (often earlier) and arrives back no earlier than 7:30 p.m., usually 8:30 or later.

Part of the problem is that he has a 90-minute-each-way commute (NOT during rush hour). We periodically talk about moving closer to his work, but there are too, too many positives about living in the town where we do. And we've been operating under the "plan" that, in another year or so, he'll look for a job closer to home. There's no deadline on that, though, and it's always subject to revision.

I knew he was a workaholic when I met him, although I wouldn't have quite named it that, then. He's not the same as other workaholics I've known: he's not "driven" in the sense of ambition or search for fame/title, but he's completely committed to his "customers" getting their money's worth out of him overall. Sometimes he's been known to slip away, doing some personal websurfing/shopping on the clock, so he always makes up that time. But lately, the company he's working for has been going through some challenging times, and he's in a position to do something about that, so he's just working his BUTT off trying to turn it around.

Speaking of butts ... he eats almost all his meals at fast-food joints, so he's getting fatter and fatter. He doesn't like it, and neither do I, but he resists change (don't we all?).

I've got alot to be thankful for in that he's NOT an alcoholic, nor a sports fan, and whatever socializing he does, he really does at the office or else on his cellphone during his commute. He never "stops at a bar" -- I couldn't live with a man like that, as I grew up with an alcoholic father who stopped at a bar most nights on his way home from the factory. (He seldom was full-out drunk when he got home, but he sure as hell wasn't much help to my mom. And surly! Yikes! I can still remember the arguments, 40 years later!)

I'm also ENORMOUSLY thankful that DH makes enough money that I'm free to stay home with the boys, and enough that I can pay for daycare on a regular basis so I can have some time for myself for yoga classes and lunch with a friend on a weekly basis. I was sick to death of my old job, and yet, being with the boys 24/7 would probably kill me! (I'm an old mom: I'm 42, with an almost-3yo and a 15-month-old!)

Anyway, I always tell my husband that I NEVER wanted to be a single parent, which is how I feel sometimes. I used to say that because I was worried he'd either work himself to death or fall asleep at the wheel, but lately, sometimes I feel that way just because of his hours.

Luckily, I have several enormously supportive neighbors -- they'll watch the boys while I walk the dog or get the mail, or just pick up and babysit for a bit if I need a break. Frankly, when/if we do move into a house, I'll be hard-pressed to find better help.

And when DH is home, he really "gets it" -- last night he came home "early" (wow, it wasn't even dark!) and immediately set to work cleaning up the kitchen! Without my asking/telling him, and without being mad at me! What a guy!

I probably won't post in this thread too often because it's hard for me to read about other women struggling with husbands who are in such trouble. My wish for each of you is to look into Al-Anon or Codependents Anonymous. You're worth it.

Gotta get back to my boys. Thanks for "listening" if you got this far.

Luci

[Drewsmom]

Sorry it's been so long. Thanks for your post Lucimonster. We moved into our house last Sat. and it's been so hectic to say the least since then trying to settle and take care of ds's needs. I haven't been a very good mommy.

Jessmom, hope you weren't offended by my post in any way. I never mean to offend anyone, only to offer some ideas or suggestions but sometimes come off sounding like a "know it all" I think. I'm sure that you've thought about school.

Reilly's mom how are you doing?

On a funny note, dh got back his yearly evaluation and ironically it said that he stayed too late at the office and needs to think about his work/life balance more. :) I kind of laughed inside. I said, "Tell the people that wrote that I LOVE them." :ha ha He felt like it shouldn't have been on his report but he has been doing better this past week since the evaluation. He actually ran into a situation where a senior told him at 5pm that he had a project to do and he told him he could work until 7pm that he promised his wife that he would be home (he had to watch ds for something for me). When 7pm came around and they weren't even close to finishing the senior told him that he would just have to break his promise and dh said, "No, I've broken too many promises this year i'm not going to break this one." :love That right there made me soo happy, even if he was still late ;).

[reilly's momma]

drewsmom, we're doing a bit better here. Dp has been on the wagon for 3 weeks now, he seems really determined to get alcohol out of his life. I'm trying to take a few classes this summer, working toward a degree, so things look like they're going to get real hectic around here.

[JesseMomme]

no no offense taken lol I just hanet had a chance to read thread yet, will come back in a few :D nak

[JesseMomme]

Drewsmom, thanks!! We do think about school a lot, it's just we can't seem to see the forest through the trees most days kwim? I Know it's doable if we reallllly wanted to, I am preoccupied with so many little ones and he is finally working in a job where he could move his way up (and has thus far thankfully) I"m just hoping the sagging economy done'st hurt his chances though, he's done so well at other jobs but they just chewed him up and spit him out, I'd hate to see that done again. We've had our hopes raised and dashed so many times that I"m trying to not hold my breath this time, but quietly keep my fingers crossed.

I guess in this respect I am lucky that dh picked himself up again and went back out to find work (not easy in NY) asap.

Rielly's mom, best of wishes :hug

Oh and I'm in central New york btw.

I gotlots more to write but ironically, DH is home!! So we are going to go cuddle (this is rare , lol) on the couch and play Zelda, yeah we're so exciting :LOL But there's lots I'vve been thinking about this week and just wanted to bounce it off the keyboard.

:grouphug I think we all seem like very strong mommas.

[EllasMama]

Just found this post, count me in on the wives-of-workaholics anonymous (or is it unanimous?) club. Actually reading some of the posts, I almost feel better about DH's addiction to work, LOL. Like most of you, DH was a workaholic when I met him and hasn't changed. Although now he can exhibit the same behavior and make statements like, "well, I've got a family to support" - as if he didn't work like this when he was single! He thinks the universe will come crashing in if he misses a day of work. I don't think he has ever once taken a sick day, he'll just drag himself into the office and spread his germs, or work from home.

Last night took the cake, he'd already worked till midnight or 2 am most of the week, then he actually worked straight through the day, night, and all day today. I managed to get him to take a 1 hour nap but he left his phone on and took 4 calls, so it wasn't like a whole hour. Then he worked till 6 pm and promptly collapsed on the sofa. This is a rare situation but I just can't help thinking that NO job is that important. Then I remember that it isn't the job, it's him. If he were a ditch-digger, he would still worry the earth would stop rotating if he missed a day of work.

Oh, and on top of that, his company changed it's motto to "go where the work is" around the beginning of the year, so he's currently travelling 3-4 or sometimes 5 days per week.

I have a number of friends whose husbands are in similar situations where they work 60-80 hours a week as if it's normal. It makes me wonder if there is an epidemic of workaholism, or if companies are such bastards they really do expect that, or what. All I know is that other people DH works with take vacations and sick days and don't get fired, so it obviously isn't crucial to sacrifice your sanity and health to work there.

I have mentioned to DH he'd do well to go to therapy and work on this issue, but of course, he doesn't have time b/c he's got too much work to do! Argh...:rolleyes:

Carol

[Drewsmom]

"I have mentioned to DH he'd do well to go to therapy and work on this issue, but of course, he doesn't have time b/c he's got too much work to do! Argh... "

Same thing! :D too funny. We're enjoying somewhat of a respite right now since it's the summer and he's off of busy season and the people at work told him he should work less. But he still struggles with what to do when he's home (esp since our tv is unhooked).

What are some family ideas that you have for when your dh's actually do have time to spend with the family during a regular week (on a tight budget)? When it's been very rainy.

[PancakeGoddess]

just found this thread.. my dp spends a lot of time at work - usually at least 60hrs/week.

for family fun indoors, tight budget, we do board games, play cards, listen to music. with the older boys we do lots of other things too, but i see yours are younger :-)

[alybeans]

This fits us exactly!! My DH works about 80 hours a week. He has no set schedule and I can't rely on him to be here at all. He doesn't really do it by choice, but he doesn't try very hard to be home more either. I think the hardest part is how excited Aly gets when he is here, because I know she'd love to see him more. Its also really hard to listen to other Mom's talk about how much their DH's help out with the kids. My DH hasn't changed a diaper in over 3 months, has never bathed her, etc. The longest he's ever watched her was for 1.5 hours while I went to the dentist.

All I can say is thank goodness for babywearing or else I'd get nothing done around here, I don't think I could function with so little help without my Mei Tai!!

HUGS Ladies!!

[sunshinemama]

OH can I join? Do I have a choice?

My Dh works like crazy, it is so hard because he really does not have a set schedule and so I never know if he will be around or able to help or walking in and out of the computer room all weekend. He has a "regular" 9-5 job, but it is 1.5 hours from where we live, plus when deadlines happen he works there all the time, sometimes not getting home till 1am, plus he has his own side business AND he works a third "job" by the hour for his friends. He is a computer guy, and gets paid well, but the thing is with his own business too he works like crazy for that and does not get paid, of course "some day" we could be rich from it, or so he says. As of now he leaves for work at 5am, gets home on a regular day at 5pm, eats with us, goes to sleep with CB at 6:30pm, gets up when I go to sleep around 9pm, works till 2, sleeps from 2am-4am, gets up showers, leaves at 5am. So I never see him, and lots of days he does not get home from the regular job till 8pm so then works at home till 2am and sleeps from 2-4am and gets up and leaves, and those days the kids don't see him. Sometimes they don't see him for days on end. Then he works or stresses that he is not working all weekend. It has been this way for years, and really it is wearing on me. I am so tired all the time too, because I get no break, have to take the kids everywhere with me since we (or should I say *I*) homeschool.................. So, on a good day, when we actually see him, he is either working, or driving to work 18 hours a day, eats with us and puts the kids to bed in about 2 hours, sleeps 4 hours a day and does it all over again the next day. It's a crazy schedual. I htink the weekends are hardest because we can never do anything or go anywhere because he is working, or waiting for a call or waiting for an email, or making a sale..... it's hard on the kids too.

He was not this way when we got married, but he had other addictions then, so I guess it should not be a surprise, but man is it hard! We never get time to just hang out, or talk, or really spend time as a whole family ever. I get so jealous of friends who actually "co-parent".

[Drewsmom]

:hugs :hugs :hugs sunshinemama. Your dh actually has longer hours than mine and that's not easy to beat!

I started this thread two years ago and it's been interesting since then. We do have some down time (like right now since it's not busy season) but it'll only last 2 months. I feel like I can get my head together during the down time to figure out some strategies that will help us get through the next busy season (rest of the year). I've realized that no matter how tight money is that I *need* to have help and if it can't come from him b/c of the hours he works then it has to come from somewhere else. Recently I just realized that one of our neighbor girls has grown-up before my eyes and is almost at babysitting age. She's 11 and will work on her certification when she turns 12 but I've talked to her mom about having her come and be a mother's helper (which is what I like to do anyway to start girls out so I can see how they interact with my children) a few hours a week. Since she's young and I'll be home I expect to not have to pay her what I would the older girls, so it makes it more affordable and she lives two doors down from me so I won't have to drive her. Since dh's busy time starts again next month I may start to use her during bedtime hours since those are the hardest and it'll be summer so she won't have to get up for school.

Also I'm going to have dh record some books for my oldest so he can go to sleep listening to him.

Definitely the hardest thing of all, even above my exhaustion, is hearing my children miss their father and cry when he's gone or leaving.

I am coming to grips with the fact that we really are still young at his career (since I consider it both of our career b/c we *both* are sacrificing to make it work) and these years may be lean ones that are really challenging but if we can have a goal in mind of where we want to be and keep the lines of communication open when I really am at my absolute wits end (he's learned this last year to drop things and come home and that is _huge_ for him to have learned to do) that gives me a real peace of mind to just know that I can do that if I need to, it's a safety line for me. But it took going through some serious post-partum depression and him realizing how grave things really were for him to click into that. That and a lot of prayers that I believe were answered.

:hugs again and good luck. I am in awe that you are homeschooling. Honestly dh's schedule is the main reason why I am not looking into homeschooling, b/c I know that I need some type of sanity break. My oldest just finished his first year of preschool (2 day) and we're going to see how 3 day goes next year. My sis homeschools her two boys and is a tremendous resource.

[Zannalyn]

I'm too tired to write much, now, but I just found this thread and I belong here, too! DH is wonderful, and he works a LOT, often 7 days, and the hours vary and often change on short notice. It's not unusual for DS not to see him at all for a couple days. Yesterday I didn't see him at all when I was awake. We're away for the weekend, though for his mom's 70th b-day, so we get to spend 3 whole days together and maybe have a chance to talk on the 4+ hour drive each way.... if he can stay awake.
goodnight and good luck all you strong, loving mamas!

[cstgmt]

dh is a :fireman so only "works" 10 24 hr shifts a month, but ....

we have a goal to build a self sufficient home w/o going into debt, so for the past couple of years he has worked 2 and 3 extra jobs to earn money for this project. when he's not working the extra jobs, he's at our property -20 mins. away- working sun up till way past sundown. i've had to remind him a few times that he's not going to enjoy that house very much if doesn't have a family to share it with.

anyway it's nice to know there's a place to vent where the others will understand.

if you're still looking for rainy day activities here's a couple of ideas
-do art, even if it's just macaroni and glue or string, you could work on a family project or individual pieces. my kids love to paint so they always join daddy when he's painting a chicken coop or when he made their bunk beds he let them paint the support slats.
-now i've gone blank on the other idea i had, oh well maybe i'll think of it later