Suprise Pregnancy (#3), DH very unhappy

[hypnobirthingmama]

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[cyncyn]

Hugs mama! My dh was not happy either (he is gradually coming around I think/hope). He was fine with 1 baby and I had been trying to get him to think that 1 more could be a good thing. I had also been hoping for an accidental pregnancy and woops! Got pg on my third cycle after having my IUD out. We were trying to be careful and it is up to me to let him know if it is a *safe* (i.e. non-fertile) day. Although my cycle was a little off due to being off the mirena (which contains hormones) I probably should have said it was a *maybe* day but I didn't. I really did not think I would get pg so easily as we were together for 12 years before conceiving dd #1.

I am feeling the same. Very confused about the future and :dizzy:

Take it easy on yourself; I believe things happen for a reason and if babies were meant to be, they will be.

[2much2luv]

Big :hug
I'm sorry this isn't going easy for you and DH. :( I hope he comes around soon so you two can enjoy this pregnancy together.

[gr8tfulmom]

:Hug Jamie,
Well I can be the voice from the other side of the fence. As far as I was concerned we were done w/ babies after I miscarried in june. DH however really wanted another. When we got the + he was ecstatic. Me, not so much.

We have a large age gap too, my girls from 1st marriage are 10 and 11 and our little guy is almost 14 mo. Going back to babyville has been an adjustment and adventure for all involved.

I did not want to be pregnant again, but alas I am. It's taken a while to sink in and of course I'm really happy, but I'm tired of being tired and am glad that this will be my last babe. I have never liked being pg, in fact I hate it, but I am excited to meet this new babe and get on with un-pregnant life.

I hope your dh gets on board, chances are he will, it's just going to take a while to get over the initial shock and get used to the all-encompassing journey of babyhood. Glad your here.

[hypnobirthingmama]

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[hypnobirthingmama]

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[KlutzyGirl]

My DH isn't happy either and this is the first! He basically avoids the topic and if I bring it up he nods, or resonds with a one-liner and then quickly changes the subject. I know somehow I will deal with it (I have to!) and so will you and everyone else in the same boat. We don't have a choice (well, I guess we all have choices but some aren't worth considering) so we deal with what we get.

[javamama]

Hugs to you hypnobirthing mama,
I just wrote a long heartfelt post saying I am with you sweetie. I did something wrong and the post disappeared!!
Anyway, I'm expecting #3 (big? surprise) I can't retype it all now, but ultimately what I wanted to say is that even though it is hard to go through this early stage without much support, I am just giving DH alot of space (on this subject). Even for our very planned pregnancies, it seems like he has alot of mental stuff to go through early on. He worries alot about how we will afford to keep me home for another 5+ years? when will he get his wife back? will my breasts be off limits for another 5 years? When I told him we were expecting this time, I did not expect joy or enthusiasm. I am certain that given time, he will be excited.
Two things that give me hope are: he is a great dad and loves our kids 9 and 5y0) I know he will see their excitement and it will help. Also, we have a few friends with three children who have had similar experiences and without exception they say they just couldn't imagine life without _______.

I look forward to chatting with you more as time goes on,
Heather

[jee'smom]

You know, it's funny how men say they don't want another, and then "do that" "in there", KWIM?! dh definately doesn't want anymore. I finally got him to admit, maybe he'll try next year. maybe. But 2 months in a row, he "did that" 'in there" during my ovulation time! Afterwards, he asked, "oh, was that an OK time?" me: "Ah, no. Well, actually it depends on your definition of an 'OK time'. to me, it was. To you, probably not!":lol Anyway, I took a test today. BFN. af is nowhere in sight. I'm on cd 27. We'll see what happens. Congrats on your pg, I'm sure your dh will come around once it starts becoming real (or after the baby's born and is SO CUTE!!!)

[gothmommy]

:Hug Im in the same boat as you, sister.
DH is really upset and angry about this pregnancy. It is a tough position for us, our house is small, we're going to need a bigger car...things we just simply cannot afford to change right now (but then again, we can't afford NOT to change them either...*sigh*). I feel guilty bonding with this baby, because of how DH is feeling. I know he feels like he has no control and it appears to him like Im just getting my way (I always said I wanted a big family...he was content with just 1 kiddo). Im trying to maintain a positive attitude, an attitude of "well, looks like we're going to need to hunker down and set up our game plan"...but that upsets him because I think he feels Im a bit to cavalier in accepting the baby. Ive come to realize that hes a man. Hes a fabulous dad, but he will never understand that primal mama instinct. If things are going to work, I cannot allow myself to wallow in worry and self-doubt, I need to be getting down to work, KWIM? So thats what Im going to do (and try my best to support DH through the emotional roller coaster--I simply don't have the time or ability to worry about my emotional roller coaster right now, KIWM??)

[Mary-Beth]

Unfortunately, I'm with you.
I wanted a third child...but I never did anything beyond pray and visualize myself pregnant. I was temping and avoided during the fertile time but I got pregnant! My dh is taking it really hard. He has barely spoken to me and hasn't eaten hardly anything since I told him. He is upset with me- "blaming" me becasue it was "my job" to temp, chart, read the chart, etc. Indeed, I didn't study all the in's and out's of avoiding but I followed the guidelines and I had clear reasons to think that he was open to another child based on various things he has said and done.
It is very challenging to see him respond like this.

How long do you think it will be before our dh's come around???

[tripmom+]

On this pregnancy, we were trying, so dh was fine. However, we had 2-year-old triplets when we conceived our 6 year old. (Did that make sense?) He was horrified. I think it took him a good couple of months to come fully around, honestly. I truly think that part of the reason it takes 9 months to grow a baby is so that it's mom and dad can get used to the idea before he/she comes. One thing dh finally realized is that no one on their death bed ever says, "I wish I never had that last child." or whatever. KWIM?

[pilllowhead]

Wow, so many women feeling the same way. Dh admitted when I, at least, was TTC that he wasn't excited at the prospect of another one, but more so because of how ignored he felt last time round for the first year or so. But...
he was thrilled when we got the bfp and eager to try for a baby:wink
I have recently befriended an icelander who keeps reminding me of the philosophy there: "every child is wanted"
I like to think all the women here feel this way, men are just slow and to be sure they will all be proud daddies not long from now:thumb

[lilliansmom]

:gloomy: :Hug Im in the same boat as you, sister.
DH is really upset and angry about this pregnancy. It is a tough position for us, our house is small, we're going to need a bigger car...things we just simply cannot afford to change right now (but then again, we can't afford NOT to change them either...*sigh*). I feel guilty bonding with this baby, because of how DH is feeling. I know he feels like he has no control and it appears to him like Im just getting my way (I always said I wanted a big family...he was content with just 1 kiddo). Im trying to maintain a positive attitude, an attitude of "well, looks like we're going to need to hunker down and set up our game plan"...but that upsets him because I think he feels Im a bit to cavalier in accepting the baby. Ive come to realize that hes a man. Hes a fabulous dad, but he will never understand that primal mama instinct. If things are going to work, I cannot allow myself to wallow in worry and self-doubt, I need to be getting down to work, KWIM? So thats what Im going to do (and try my best to support DH through the emotional roller coaster--I simply don't have the time or ability to worry about my emotional roller coaster right now, KIWM??)


Said well. My DH was miserable during my entire pg. (Our DD is 13 months now). I also supported my DH and put my emotional roller coaster on the back burner. The night we BHB my DH had a total break down which made me have a total break down and things got better from there. :gloomy: My friends all thought I was super women for not kicking him out. What can you do but support your DH even if you are (and I was) so so happy about the pg and the new baby. My DH felt like he was loosing me and our life together. Now he realizes he has two girls in the house that adore him so how could that be a bad thing. It has taken a very long time for us to heal and grow as a family. I finally think we are back to were we use to be pre-babe days. Hang in there mamas I know how hard this is. :Hug

[Mindy70]

Hi, lurking from DDC 6/07, but I can feel your pain. We had a bcp fiasco, too, and neither of us were ready for #3 at this time, or ever, really! We have two beautiful kids, and I have two step-kids part time with us, a small, overcrowded house, and already too much marital stress.

Almost every day I feel really overwhelmed wondering how I will manage three, and if I will EVER get any down time, which I really need so as not to go :dizzy: and keep my sanity.

But now that I am 11 weeks along, I am gradually getting used to the idea and looking forward to this baby. THe first year is for me the worst. Once they are walking and getting more independent, I actually find it easier. I just find it hard meeting everyone's needs at the same time, and the thought of 4 yr old whining for something, 2-yr old wanting something, and then newborn crying for me makes me want to cry.

On the other hand, getting to do it all over again, a cuddly little baby in arms.....maybe I'll survive.

Anyhow, good luck with your DH, no good advice there.

[cyncyn]

Looks like we're not alone in this! I got my IUD out because dh got laid off and we were losing our insurance. I wanted to get it out while I still had coverage. DH was planning to get a vasectomy right away, but didn't make the appt. in time. I did not want him to get one, but I respected his choice anyway. We had not planned to have any kids, and when dd came along after 12 years together (and not being so careful; just using secondary fertility signs) we were very surprised, as we didn't think we were fertile. It was a huge adjustment for us both. We were both fine with just one, Dh was totally against more, which is why I got the IUD to begin with. But I started to get baby lust this past year (hmmm...turned 40). After secretly fantasizing about it for a while, I finally said it out loud in August "I want another baby" and he was very surprised. Our dd (will be 4 in March) has literally been begging for a sibling for a year, and had already told many people that we would be having another baby (somehow they know...).

DH is mainly worried about not having enough room in our house/car and he doesn't have a job (yet). I am the only one working and it is part time (plus my diaper sewing business). So he is really feeling the pressure to provide for the family. I know he feels awful when I drag myself to work feeling sick and just lay on the couch when I get home exhausted. He did have a good interview this week and is feeling a little more positive about the new baby. I think he will come around when he gets a job and it becomes a little more real to him. He has been home all summer with dd and is just a fantastic dad, when he is not stressed out.

I was 7 days past due when I tested and I told him immediately. I could tell he was freaked out. I was really surprised too, as we really didn't think we were very fertile. I have just been trying to not talk about it constantly, but he started suggesting names right away and I think that is a positive sign.

But he says we are never having sex again lol. Yeah right. I do know that he is disappointed that our sex life/time together is going back to the not tonight I'm exhausted/watch out for the giant milk machines deal. We had just been getting back on track with our relationship since the IUD really depressed my sex drive and I couldn't lose any weight so I didn't really feel like doing it much. Sorry if TMI.

I think we will both need to work on making time together; he does feel neglected when I am busy with dd. And I will be double busy after this one comes. I am still excited and hopeful that he will be too (soon).

Hang in there everybody!

[Mary-Beth]

Jamie, how are things going?

How about for the others who posted similiar experiences??

Things are picking up here. Last week was the toughest week of our entire marriage...but my dh started opening up to me and expressed his concerns-- how hard it will be on me, how we won't get to go out like we've been able to do now the the girls are older, and others...No real resolutions but sometimes just saying it outloud helps and I think that's what is helping.

Hope others are seeing some shifts too.

[jee'smom]

Well, I found out I'm pg. At first, dh dropped the test on the floor, closed his eyes and shook his head. Then after awhile, he hugged me. Soon afterward, he joked around about how he's going to have to "get something done" b/c we're going to end up with 8 g** d*** kids because he finds me so hot, he can't keep himself from "doing that" "in there". :lol Then, in the middle of the night, when he finally came to bed, he held me and said (I dont' remember exactly as I was half-asleep), "I think this is testamount to how God feels about you; that you're such an incredible mother, that he blessed you with another to grow inside of you and take care of." :throb Very sweet! I wrote him a note this morning (as I always do) before leaving for work, and asked him if he was ok. and I told him that he can talk to me about ANYTHING if he needs to, b/c he should remember that I'm his wife first. We're in this together.

[hypnobirthingmama]

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[hypnobirthingmama]

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[jee'smom]

Kerri - you are one lucky wife! It sounds like your DH really has his heart in the right place, and loves and respects you a tremendous amount. I'm really happy for you that he's already accepting this and saying such wonderful things to you.

Were you on birth control or was this a sort of oops that wasn't all that suprising?

I'm certain that my DH will go and get a vasectomy before this baby even arrives. I'm OK with that, I guess. I certainly don't want to ride this crazy emotional roller coaster again. Plus, three kiddos is all I ever wanted.

My dh has anxiety issues, so I was very pleased that he came around so fast. I was sick at the thought of how it was going to be for the next couple of months. I'm sure he's a wreck inside, so i made sure to tell him that he needs to be honest with me about his feelings, that I understand if he's totally overwhelmed. That I'm his wife first. We're in this together. He knows that i wanted another one, it was no secret. but we discussed it and decided to wait until next year to consider it (REALLY bad timing right now... he's probably going to go to be a pennsylvania state trooper, and will be at the academy april-sept. I'm due 7-22. I hope he makes it to the birth on time. Plus several other issues). I'm not on birth control, we use the withdrawal method, (and it's worked for about 11 yrs!) but we drank too much the night of our halloween party and, well, here i am. I ovulate on the 12th day, and dtd on the 15th day. I believe it was meant to be. It was definately a surprise. I made him promise to not get a vasectomy before the baby's a year old; in case something happened to this one, I do want a 3rd child.