I read an interesting chapter in the book The Science of Parenting about tantrums. In very simple terms, the book describes the difference between distress tantrums, which call for lots of attention, vs. control tantrums, which call for ignoring the behavior. Anyone read this?

I'm feeling pretty incapable lately of responding to my ds, who has been very needy. The last week or so ds has been having a really rough time. He is a very sensitive boy, and we were just bouncing back from the birth of my dd in June. He dislikes large groups, and between Halloween and a weekend of 30+ family members visiting and 50+ at a party for his sister's baptism, he is just wrung out and miserable. We've tried distracting him, getting him outside in this lovely weather, and doing special things just for him. Tried to take him to the beach today, and he started crying saying he wanted to go home, there are too many people at the beach. What he wants to do is stay in the house and nurse -constantly. Night and day, every 1/2 hr.

When I say no, or not now, or that my breast are hurting, he says something that makes me realize he really does need it. He is very verbal and very adept at describing his feelings in ways that dh and I can understand. And he has a tantrum if I don't give in. I believe it's a distress tantrum, and I usually give in. But I just get a horrible case of the heebiejeebies lately every time he latches on.

I also have a 5 mo dd who is underweight, so even though I know I can make enough for both, I am struggling with feeling like ds is taking the milk from dd.

BTW, I posted a similar message in bfing beyond infancy.

I disagree with what the book says about ignoring tantrums. Even if its a "control tantrum" it *means* something. There is a message there that shouldn't be ignored. A message that should be respected.

BUT I also think that if it bothers you to nurse ds so much, that YOU have to respect what your body is telling you. So I'm definitely not saying to let him nurse every half hour, even though you REALLY don't want to.

I don't have an answer as to how to deal with a toddler who wants to nurse, when you don't want to. But I don't think that refusing to nurse necessarily means that you have to ignore the tantrum. I think you should definitely be attentive and empathetic. But I think you can do that, while sticking with a legitimate boundary that you don't want to nurse him RIGHT NOW. kwim?

I'm not sure about this, up until very very recently the only type of tantrum my dd had were distress tantrums (she's 2.5y) but very recently we've had the odd anger tantrum appearing (where she basically shouts instead of crying, and will smack the wall or anything nearby although not people thankfully, and I've found that if I act completely unfazed by it, and ignore the behaviour (NOT ignore her) then it seems to be over pretty quickly. If I try and ignore a distress tantrum on the other hand they just escalate wildly.

I have two thoughts.

One, maybe what he really wants is to just be home and safe and away from people, and once you've provided that, this might drop off pretty quickly. Especially if he's an introvert.

And two, while I hate the idea that you should never give in to tantrums, if you only will let him nurse after he throws one, that's not a very healthy dynamic either. You want him to learn how to establish and protect his boundaries, and a lot of that will be through modeling. So if you're giving in even though you feel really yucky about it, it kind of seems like he might get confused. Like Deva33mommy, though, I don't have any advice what to do. I guess if it isn't so bad, you could just wait it out.

And two, while I hate the idea that you should never give in to tantrums, if you only will let him nurse after he throws one, that's not a very healthy dynamic either.
Another idea- nursing is very much about connectedness, especially at his age. I wonder if perhaps he wants you to *want* to nurse him. To have that great connected feeling that he gets when he nurses. And he can't recognize that that's what he wants, he just knows that nursing is a good thing and its how HE knows to try to connect to you. But when he nurses and you don't enjoy it, he feels unsatisfied by it. And is compelled to try again, many times to satisfy that need for connection.
Perhaps if you tried to offer nursing at a time when it *would* be enjoyable to you, his "cup would get filled" easier.

Just a thought I've had when a similar thing happened here (which, btw iirc was related to having a lot of company and not getting enough alone/connecting time).

Thanks so much for your responses. They were very helpful. Devamommy, your post about my ds needing to feel connected was so insightful.

Things are more tolerable this week.