Depressed and overwhelmed at 33 weeks of pregnancy

[yogamama]

I'm 33 weeks pregnant and I'm feeling depressed - so I thought maybe I should start a thread about this...

Our 3 and a half year old son is horrid these days (demanding, sassy, aggressive) and I have no tolerance for that right now. I am REALLY having a hard time with him - he is very energetic, funny and sweet, but intense and moody. Energetically he demands alot from me. He is also still nursing - about once a day.

I'm also frustrated with my husband, my family, my friends - I feel that I work so hard in my relationships and I don't get enough support back. I'm angry with my husband - he seems to find plenty of alone time and personal time and I barely manage alone time. I feel that we don't have any couple time. Last week I went to the movies one evening with a friend and that was good, but I barely feel good about anything. I really feel flat.

My son (being so sweet) asked me last night "Mommy, what was your favorite part of today?" and I felt that if I had answered honestly I would have had to say that taking a hot shower alone was the best part of my day. I crave alone time and time to just BE. But then when I'm alone I am exhausted and crabby and even I don't want to spend time with myself - a funny movie would be so much better.

I'm prone to depression and now I'm actually worried about PPD. I'm also worried about how I will survive the next 6-8 weeks of pregnancy - I feel so uncomfortable and crabby and depressed. And I don't want to go into the birth being tired and drained. I NEED to take care of myself, but everything seems like too much work.

Anyone else? Any advice? I hope this is more than just a vent. I seriously wonder - therapy? - a weekend alone? - medication?

I would really like to enjoy this last one-on-one time with our son and also the end of this pregnancy, but I just feel so blah.

Thanks all.
Kathleen

[MamaSoleil]

A weekend alone. I have a 3 yr old daughter, 23 wks pg...
AND by the way, be honest with your son, tell him, today, I really enjoyed my me time...everyone needs that kind of time...
I try really hard not to 'blame' the baby, I don't want Soleil to resent this babe, however, she is also old enough to understand, that I don't have as much energy. I've been a little on the crabby side...okay, A LOt...:o I'm trying to go with it. I take time outs, I tell my partner to leave with dd so i can chill. I try to meditate and visualize this baby, and send it messages like "I really do want you, I'm just tired and not patient.". I don't want to baby to feel like it's imposing him/herself..kwim?
Give yourself a hug...take it a day at a time...get away by yourself...be gentle and kind!

:hug

Mamasoleil

[juicylucy]

I'm 24 weeks and am getting pretty anxious myself. I am really trying hard not to think about the reality of having two children. I suppose I'm in denial about the whole thing in a way.

I think you need to let your husband, friends etc know that you too need your alone-time. I am sure if you were upfront about it they would help out more. We all need that time to ourselves.

And as mamasoleil says, be gentle on yourself. It is understandable to feel overwhelmed- just demand the help you need, and let us know how you are getting on. :hug

[yogamama]

Yes, you are right. I do need to be more upfront and more active about getting alone time! I seem to generally melt down when I don't get enough alone time. I'm sure that friends will take my 3 year old for the day, but it is SO hard to ask.

The same with my husband - he will do things for me if I ask VERY SPECIFICALLY, but I wish he would just volunteer to do things for me. I took a nap yesterday when my husband was home, but I wish he would just step in and take our son out for the day so that I could get alone time at home. I guess I need to get over that fantasy!

I think I'm really worried about having a new baby, a demanding 3 year old and no outlet for personal time. My husband told me to stop anticipating and worrying, but that seems easy for him to say - he will STILL find time for himself. Hmmmm, do I sound a bit angry? I think that is part of it. Yes, I need to be ALOT more active about getting my needs met.

Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if we didn't do attachment parenting. Ah - my brothers and sister-in-laws just put their kids in the crib at 7pm and watch tv while the baby cries. Okay, I can't do that...

But I really do need to find a balance.
Thanks
Kathleen

[compleatmomof4]

I have a 3, 5, and 6yo at home that I also homeschool. I don't sleep much at all (I too keep asking myself how am I going to survive 6 more weeks!?!).

I find keeping hydrated helps - when I have been too busy and not remembering to drink a lot I get tired and headache-y.

I nap when Scooby Doo is on (M-Tu-Tr-F at 3-3:30pm). OK so it's not really napping but the tv is in an armoire in my bedroom (because we limit it's use) and I actually lay down on my bed for 30 minutes.

Eat. I find when I don't eat several small meals I feel crummy.

Fresh air. The kids need to go outside wach day and so do I although sometimes I really have to drag my butt to get myself in gear!

My DH lets me do-it-all. He's a *specific* man too! Meaning unless I request it it ain't gonna happen!

My in-laws who live nearby couldn't be paid to stop by and help out. They only want to do what they want to do not something helpful like stop by the store and buy us a dozen eggs because we ran out and getting 3 kids in carseats while pregnant only to find the closest parking space at Albertson's is a mile away is a challenge these days! LOL!

{{{Hugs}}} I hope you feel better soon!

Warmly,
Debra 34 weeks 1 day with #4!

[KFH]

I can relate. I'm 31 weeks, and achey, tired, crabby, and frequently annoyed by my 3 year old as well. I'm dreading the next 7-11 weeks, but honestly, I'm also really dreading what follows. My parents who luckily live close have had to be out of town for the last 2 months (and possibly next two) for other family stuff. I miss my mom.

I'm afraid of the same things you are, and I'm also afraid that I won't be emotionally ready to release and let the baby out when it needs to come.

Gotta go, just typing this is making me weepy.

No advice, just empathy

[kykarraliv]

:grouphug Hang in there ladies. I am a homeschooling Mom of 5 daughters ranging in age from 17 years to 18 months. Believe it or not your children will survive your crankiness. I can be down right:censored :af :ignore :guilty durring pregnancy. My 3 older children tease me about it when I am not pregnant. I think they know it would be dangerous if they teased my when I am pregnant.:mischief My best suggestion is to make sure you tell you loved ones what you need. Such as downtime for yourself and then take it. Here's the thing with the more kids you have the more self time you may need. Even after the baby is born. I dearly love each and every one of my children. Sometimes I get so frustrated around them. Parenting and marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done, and sometimes I need to recoup from the challange and be by myself. Nothing wrong with that. Attachment parenting is the harder way to parent and it takes a lot more of your energy and time. My older daughters now ask why we don't put our babies in cribs to let them cry it out. Because that is what they see when they babysit. I tell them we don't put our children in cages. We don't even own a crib. Doing this we are up later at night and the little ones are always sleeping with older ones or Mommy and Daddy. We also get up in the wee hours to crying children sometimes. Even if children sleep in cribs they still can get up at night you just don't have to go to them if you don't want too. :crying This type of parenting does take a lot more effort. We know that it gives a lot more in return though. Take time for yourself and tell your loved ones what you need. Don't expect them to be sensitive mind readers. That will only set you up for being hurt and resentful.

[Kirsten]

It would be nice if our friends showed up on the doorstep offering to take the kid to the park for an hour or if our dh knew what to do and did it without our asking. But in reality, that probably won't happen - unless you ask. So ask! If you are already feeling down, don't wait any longer. Call a good friend, tell her you need a little break and can ds come over for an hour or two to play while you run errands or nap or whatever.

Have a good talk with dh and let him know that you NEED one night a week to yourself. You can go out to visit at a friend's house or go shopping or scrapbook or whatever you like to do. Or he can take dc out and you can nap or clean house or watch tv or whatever. Just some alone time to do with what you want EACH WEEK. That you can count on. When Wednesday is tough, you can tell yourself that Friday night is coming....

I second getting out of the house! Take a walk or go to friends' houses (with dc).

Now is the time to take care of yourself. I got PPD after dd2 was born and I can promise you that you will be no good for anybody (as a mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter, neighbor, etc!) if you are unhappy/depressed. This is not selfish. You MUST take the time you need. Get enough sleep. Drink all your water and get good meals in. Take walks. Call friends. Watch funny movies. Do stuff you enjoy - whatever that may be.

When I had PPD, dh had to get up every night and walk with the baby (colic....) Poor man worked a ten hour day Monday through Friday but he could exist on barely any sleep better than I could as I was so out of whack hormonally and emotionally. I would nurse dd then go right back to bed while he walked her for hours each night. He was a saint to do it but she is OUR daughter not just mine. It was hell while we were in it but it just lasted four months. Now you would never know any of us went through it - it is long forgotten (well, mostly!) Telling you this to say that if I were you, I would deal with your stuff now so that you are happy during the postpartum period. I went into birth stressed about a friend's problems with her divorce/heroin addict dh - worried he would come after me or my family due to supporting her during the divorce. I think the high stress I let myself get about that added to the PPD issues later.

It will all work out for you but you do need to be plain about what you need and feel no guilt about taking it. Your husband and children will be better off if you take care of yourself and are happy.
Kirsten

[Tanibani]

Sorry to hear you are feeling so crummy. :hug I really enjoy your posts.

Anyway... # 1 - don't be shy about asking friends. GET OVER THAT RIGHT NOW. Don't be afraid to ask. The worst answer is "no." Start setting up something now, before the baby comes... a friend can easily watch your son 2-3 hours. I'm sure you would appreciate 1 hour to yourself. YOU NEED TO DO THIS. Call in the troops. Mothers and newborns were never meant to be alone.

# 2 - yes get over the fantasy of DH doing more without you asking. Give yourself permission to have needs and personal time. Get comfortable with the idea of giving to yourself. If you don't... you'll have what you are having now... burn-out.

I have a friend whose DH is
1. French
2. Loves to cook and cooks ALL the meals (including fresh foccaccia!!!)
3. Is very handy and always doing wood projects. He's been taking their dd (now 3) to Home Depot after work since she was a baby. She doesn't have to ask. You and I aren't married to that man!!! :LOL

We are married to men we :blah need to communicate clearly with. Thankfully, my DH has been really good lately about chipping in. That's because we've both talked about our needs for ME time.

They have their special routine... he takes him for fresh squeeze juice everyday. It's their special ritual. Now on weekends, he'll take him on the bike trailer for a bike ride and juice and to feed ducks.

# 3 - make a list of your needs.
1. What do you want?
2. How does what you want look?
3. How much time do you need?
4. Be specific, so your DH can help you.
5. Sit down and tell him.

# 4 - bedtime
Since you mentioned it... my friend-married-to-the-French-guy just gave birth recently. He was putting his dd to bed because she was weaned and my friend couldn't handle it (being pg.) He drove her to sleep, or he rode her in the bike trailer.

My DH puts our son to bed once a week. Giancarlo LOVES it now and really looks forward to way daddy does it. DH reads 3 stories and will stay with him till he falls asleep. (I was taking a photography class for a few weeks, 1x a week.) DH has stopped doing it because I haven't asked for lately, but...

can your DH do the same??? He's going to have to if you'll be with your newborn. They need to start now.

Finally, I'm in psychotherapy right now... and it's really helped me pinpoint how I sabotage myself/marriage and helps me to identify prickly issues. Sure, if that's what would help. Read my post in this thread (http://mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?s=&threadid=52634) for more info on the type of therapy I recommend.

Meds? I'm personally not a fan of them (unless absolutely neccessary). Don't let it get to the point where you need meds... you can take some steps... take them.

Weekend alone? Sure, but it looks to me like you need DAILY TIME alone. Let your DH give your son a bath or something, KWIM?

[Stacymom]

Oh, I hear ya!

I'm 31 weeks pregnant, and have an eighteen month old, who seems to have recently discovered the art of tantruming. My dh just switched his schedule so that he's working afternoons/evenings, so I'm on bedtime detail every night. That's been hard because by the time he gets home at ten, I'm exhausted from a whole day, and he's awake and wants to play since he's been at work all day. (We got in a pretty big fight about it last night.) I have been so impatient and frustrated these past few weeks, and knowing that I have 9-11 more weeks of this makes me want to cry sometimes. But then I realize that once this baby is born, I'll have two little ones to take care of, and that thought is overwhelming too!

We try and get out every day. The days that we can't get outside- like today because it was raining- are long for both of us. She's having serious starnger anxiety, so I don't know how it would work leaving her with a friend, although she does okay at the daycare at the gym where I work out. I found that swimming is wonderful- it takes all the weight off my body and makes my muscles feel better. The trouble is finding the time to do it...

So I guess I don't have any answers, but it's nice to know that there are others out there that understand.

[MamaSoleil]

You got a lot of amazing replies!!!! I hope today was better for you!!!

:hug

Mamasoleil

[yogamama]

Thank you everyone - today WAS much better. We were out of the house ALL day, so that helped alot, and it was sunny and beautiful outside. Yesterday was dreary, overcast, I felt like crap, etc... When I feel that way, I'm afraid that I will ALWAYS feel that way.

Today we went to a LLL meeting and out to lunch with a LLL friend and her daughter. Then home briefly, then to the park with another friend and her kids. Rowdy boy was a bear after dinner, but I laid on the sofa and read a book while my husband gave him a bath and I listened to my husband get frustrated with rowdy naked boy and I continued by eating chocolate while I read and laid listening and enjoying the meyhem.

I actually started reading "Misconceptions" by Naomi Wolf (while I was making dinner tonight). Has anybody read it? She had PPD after the birth of her first child and writes about the issues from a personal and a societial perspective. I like being validated that I'm not the only one struggling with this stuff. She has a whole section about how hard it is to ASK your husband/ partner for support and how it leads to anger and resentment and that was good to read. The chapter is titled "Calling it Fair". Interesting, eh?

Tanibani and others, thanks for your detailed ideas about things I can do right now. I DO need more sleep, more water, more alone time and I need to be more specific about my needs. I think right now I MOSTLY need to be more assertive about getting my needs met. KFH - I feel EXACTLY as you do sometimes and it does scare me.

The other hard thing is that it is sometimes hard to find something I really ENJOY doing - but I guess laying on the sofa reading and eating chocolate just need to be part of my daily routine...

Let's keep checking in with each other. I know it doesn't take much for me to slip back to how I felt last night and I really do want to enjoy the final weeks/ months of pregnancy and the early days with the new baby. Maybe I'll start a new thread entitled something like "Enjoying/ Coping with the final weeks/ months of pregnancy"....

Just an idea.
Kathleen

[compleatmomof4]

Weekend alone? Sure, but it looks to me like you need DAILY TIME alone. Let your DH give your son a bath or something, KWIM? [/B][/QUOTE]

I don't want to take a vacation without my family or with just my DH and not the kids. I want someone to cook a meal or bathe the kids or something like that! Doing the same things day after day gets tiring when I'm in a mood and I would appreciate relief in a simple way!

[yogamama]

compleatmomof - I totally agree!

Another good day, but I'm exhausted. That is my brief check-in for today...